NC in "sort of" LDR

[onayrb]

You probably deserve a prize if you can read through all of this! But I have to get it accross accurately!

Ok, this is the situation: I met a girl in December 2005 and she left to travel the world for 6 months on January 16th 2006. During that relatively short period (when we were in physical proximity!) I fell in love with her. I'm pretty certain she fell for me too, but we never admitted anything other than having "strong feelings" for each other. Saying words like "love" would apply inappropriate pressure in this difficult circumstance.

 

We also agreed not to put our lives on hold during this very long period (I mean we'd only been seeing each other a month!), so this means we could flirt, date, sleep with other people - whatever we want -because obviously - either of us could meet someone else even better! and it would be unfair if we were forcibly ruling out the chance of this happening. I've been with a couple of other girls since she left and it has changed nothing about the way I feel for her. I really think (to roll out a cliché) that she's the one.

 

We both agreed from the moment she left that we very much want to "get-together" "start-up again" whatever we decided to call it, when she gets back in 3 months and also that we would always be honest and up front with each other while she was away. For example if either of us met someone else we developed feelings for that overruled the intention of us getting together again - we would simply tell the other one -so as not to string each other along, go suddenly quiet or hurt each-other unnecessarily. Obviously we don't mention any flings or encounters with others as that is clearly unpleasant to hear - -just something serious with another would have to be mentioned.

 

It has of course been very difficult missing her, being jealous etc, but she has been having an amazing time and missing me also and telling me that and we've handled it very maturely and well. We have exchanged wonderful emails - not gushing but sweet and with the clear message that although a great time was being had by her (and I pretended by me also) then the ultimate plan is to realise our potential together when she returns.

We also have admitted that yes, we would naturally grow apart, but that is not necessarily negative and does not mean we cannot grow together again when she is back. So this two and a half months or so passed and it was very hard - but I fought the jealousy and got on with things as best I could while still missing her and still hopeful that fate would bring us together in the end as we are so utterly compatible.

 

Two to three weeks ago she was away for a week in an area of no mobile-phone signal. She didn't realise it and I didn't know. But the lack of contact freaked me out and I just assumed she didn't want to text me. Anyway, when drunk I texted her a few times and was quite clingy because I just wanted to hear from her (without knowing the no reception situation). I had been very cool and restrained till then. Then the w/e after that, she posted some pics on her blog that showed a pretty wild party - with lots of good looking guys around her. I held in the jealousy until I got drunk (very drunk) and I sent a really scathing jealous text.

 

She phoned me that night to talk about it. She said that me doing stuff like this made her feel guilty about having a good time (fair point) and made her feel suffocated (another good point). She said that she still wanted to pick things up in three months but wondered that if she felt suffocated when this far away - then what would it be like when she was back! I was ok on the call and it was all quite calm. She is very level headed (which is one of the reasons I admire her so much). On the phone we agreed to draw a line under it.

 

The next day (Monday just gone) I wrote her an email to better lay down what we talked about on the phone and basically said the texts were silly, drunken, isolated, had no reflection on the way I was or the way I felt -that I couldn't change if she felt suffocated by saying this, but to assure her I was not that kind of person. At the end of the mail I said there was no need to respond on the subject as we drew a line under it on the phone but to instead tell me about what is happening next in her travels (change the subject!).

 

On Tues I freaked out at the lack of a response because I new she'd read the mail due to a log-in date on her blog. I sent her a text on a completely different - light and playful subject - just really for the purpose of checking she hadn't flipped out at me going over the phone call again in my email (one of her points was that we should not discuss the subject again and again - a subject of jealousy and reassurance). She replied to my text and we exchanged similar light texts that were harmless - but her responses just seemed a bit cold.

 

Now its Thursday and no contact from her since. I am absolutely doing the NC thing and do not intend to make any contact until I hear from her. I will even delay response to her when I do get something through. My assessment is that she probably does feel a bit suffocated by me at the moment and is just having a bit of a contact break to maybe also see how she feels. I don't think she will, but I dread some sort of email coming through to call the whole idea of a future "us" off.

 

So, finally (if you made it this far - well done). I really want to turn it around, to get her back from this distance I've created between us, to get her contacting me frequently again like she did in the first two and a half months away, to almost have her on her knees saying she can't wait to be back home with me (she has said that before -but now this cold silence). I've got three months to play with here and turn this back around. In the meantime, I am suffering from simply missing her like mad, from worrying that I pushed her away too far and she has no feeling for me anymore. Strangely, I do not fear the risk of her meeting somebody else seriously as I have no control over that. So if anyone can give advice so I can turn this thing back to me, then I'd appreciate it

 

About me: I've been in love twice before this (I am 31) - I know it is a very very hard thing to come by, to meet the right person. She is of a similar situation (27) and has told me (a few weeks ago) that this is the first time in a very long time she has felt this way about anyone. I've done the break up in a really bad way thing before so know about NC and believe in it. I am just in a real panic, because I know from experience of love that I will be devastated if I've messed up what I think is a chance with who I think (even after only a month together and 3 months away) is the most amazing person I have ever met. It is a very difficult situation I have as she is so far away and we only really have text and mail to communicate with (or NC with !!!). I just need advice to win this battle. I will keep this updated as it helps me to write it. Thanks

[PocoDiablo]

Interesting.

 

My advice? Calm down, buddy!

 

You're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and her, and it's driving her away. You are acting without patience, self-control, or self-confidence. Basically, you are acting hungry in a way ... desperate. It's often very unattractive to women.

 

Your scathing text messages, contrary to what you say, *were* who you are. After all, you did send them, right? They are an example of a lack of self control and lack of self confidence. When she got them, she took note of them mentally and probably realized you will have these same problems on other issues. Now what if something really big did come up, how would you handle it? I mean, if you had been going out and saw her at the party, would you have flipped out? Yeah, probably.

 

Guess what? It's not attractive because you basically just called her a cheater, a prostitute ... as if she can't be around other men and not control herself. What, she's going to sleep with them? You're also telegraphing to her that she is not the wonderful woman you think she is - you think she's going to dump you.

 

I firmly believe that guys have to learn to act like a mature gentleman. You're acting like a kid on a power trip to some extent. Why not try exhibiting self-control, self-respect, self-confidence. Why not flirt with her, and not put so much pressure on trying to figure out what she is doing. It's like you are playing detective, and it's ugly (and she knows it.)

 

The other thing you might want to think about is the fact that throwing yourself at her (acting so desperate) is really unattractive. People who are looking for approval rarely get it. So don't go looking for it. You're a normal guy, right? If the two of you have chemistry, things will work for the better. But if you're the jealous type (based in lack of confidence, of course) and send hateful messages (based on lack of self control and patience) then it's likely not going to work out.

 

You say she's a great woman, you have to be the great man as well. You have to raise your standards for yourself and act like the mature guy she is looking for. Flirt, joke, have fun, be romantic and create affection and attraction. Basically, go BACK to who you were when you met. Be *yourself* and things will be fine.

 

But if you continue to freak out like a rabid animal she's going to step back so she doesn't get bit...

 

Make sense? You do have to read between the lines some, but all you have to do is CALM yourself down. Be cool, collected, mature, confident, polite, think before you act, be fun to be with, and be a little mysterious too.

[jojean]

She is very level headed (which is one of the reasons I admire her so much).

 

That could also be one of the reasons she would admire you about

[onayrb]

Pocodiablo

I absolutely agree with all you say - which is why I'm so exsasperated and frustrated by my own actions. I mean, for the first two and a half months I kept my cool and naturally it elicited positive responses from her. She was still going to bars, having a great time in various amazing exotic locations etc - but I kept any jealousy under wraps. I'm not sure why but in the last three weeks, this needy clingy thing happened and then this jealousy escaped. Many factors triggered it -including two extremely heavy nights of heavy drinking with friends, stress at work, moving to a new flat -it just escaped that's all. Ok so, I did my best to recover and sent a good email after the phone call on Sunday. Rather fluffed it by texting her on tues (but the texts exchanged were innocuous). Now, no contact from her since Tues and I'm just hoping of course it is recoverable -what do you think?. I think all I can do is nothing (not contact her)?

Thanks for taking time to respond.

[PocoDiablo]

Yeah, you know I was thinking of this and this little catch-phrase came to mind: "Give her the gift of missing you." Now, I don't think you want to totally back off or anything, because that could come off as a lack of interest, but slow down a little.

 

I personally hate text messages (and the Internet, kind of ironic, huh, but here I am ...) because SO MUCH is lost in translation. The recommendation I like to give is to keep text/email stuff very light, very flirty, very humorous, and very SHORT. Too often we delve into rambling tirades of baloney that is quite boring. Worse, some of the things can come accross as angry or rude.

 

I have a friend with whom I have perfect chemistry. We flirt like mad, and it's great. But when we email each other ... wow, it just goes bad fast.

 

So I'd flirt more with her. Get that jealousy in check. Remember that being needy and clingy is about as attractive as a dog humping your leg - no one likes that. Irregardless of what factors triggered it, you still have self-control and the responsibility to yourself and her to deal with it in a mature way.

 

Me? When I am in a bad mood I simply remove myself from the situation. I don't email, I don't text, etc., and I let folks know I'm in a bad mood and I'll catch up with them later. That's fair.

 

If I were you I would send her one or two cute/flirty text messages today. However, it's also Friday, so I would suggest you get yourself out of the house and go do something. Go out and get hammered with some friends if that's your thing, or catch the latest cool movie (there has to be at least one, right Hollywood?) by yourself. It doesn't really matter what, but get out. Personally, I like to go out to bars and sit down next to someone my age-ish and make conversation. Practice flirting, having fun, all that. Sometimes you meet someone really cool and we'll make plans to party some other time. Keep yourself sharp, you know? Now don't go bragging to her about it, just be social and have fun.

 

Then when she texts you tonight you can reply that you were out which will also show her that you're like her - you like to be social with people - which shows you may be a good match for her. I mean, when she does come back, you ARE going to go out together, right?

[onayrb]

PocoDiablo

I think I'll leave it till she contacts me. I mean I texted her on Tuesday after I emailed on Monday - which means it's her turn really in both communication mediums! - otherwise it will stand out a mile to her that I am fishing..... for something...hope I guess. Anyway at the mo its about 1am where she is and she's either out having a good time or asleep.

 

When she does contact me however (hopefully it will not be an email telling me where to go) -I will delay response a little bit, rather than be the humping dog, humping away in gratitude at the contact. I then hope to respond in some kind of detached flirty cool way. This could be quite hard in a text but I'll see what I can do!

 

My real question is this:

In your knowledge of the situation (I like your quote in the footer btw) if we both have strong feelings for each other as the background to all this- then she becomes naturally (not negatively) more detached with her feelings after 3 months away- then I do my best to detach her further by being clingy and jealous on only two or three occasions in 3 months (recently). Do you think, if she really has feelings (that may be a bit obscured, chased away or hidden at the moment) that it is well recoverable?

 

I mean I've got my self thinking negatively and assuming the worse. It would be refreshing to hear a real outsiders opinion. Ask me questions if you need info to get better conclusion.

 

Why do I ask this?? It's not as if I'm a kid with his first terrified experience of love -it's not as if I don't know how to get over breaking up and moving on if I have to - it is just an incredibly powerful belief (trust me on this one) that this amazing woman is everything I could possibly want. This is causing a little anxiety and it would be helpful to feel less negative about maybe having blown it. I just don't know if I have or not. Obviously neither do you -but I am interested in yours and anyone else out there's opinion

[PocoDiablo]

PocoDiablo

I think I'll leave it till she contacts me. I mean I texted her on Tuesday after I emailed on Monday - which means it's her turn really in both communication mediums!

I always like to think of tennis in this situation. You hit the ball over the net, wait for her to hit it back. Hence the old "Ball is in her court" saying.

 

- otherwise it will stand out a mile to her that I am fishing..... for something...hope I guess. Anyway at the mo its about 1am where she is and she's either out having a good time or asleep.

 

When she does contact me however (hopefully it will not be an email telling me where to go)

If it is, just blow it off with a little humor. Something like "Oh, please, not even possible. Besides, I am holding your passport hostage. If you want to see it alive you must come back and buy me a drink." (Ugh, e-flirting is so hard, not my speciality.)

 

-I will delay response a little bit, rather than be the humping dog, humping away in gratitude at the contact. I then hope to respond in some kind of detached flirty cool way. This could be quite hard in a text but I'll see what I can do!

Shorter is better. If you can say it in two lines, great. One line is better.

 

My real question is this:

In your knowledge of the situation (I like your quote in the footer btw) if we both have strong feelings for each other as the background to all this- then she becomes naturally (not negatively) more detached with her feelings after 3 months away- then I do my best to detach her further by being clingy and jealous on only two or three occasions in 3 months (recently). Do you think, if she really has feelings (that may be a bit obscured, chased away or hidden at the moment) that it is well recoverable?

Yes. In your case I don't think you have made any fatal flaws like begging or showing a major lack of self-confidence, self-control, etc. I think it's save-able at this point IF you pull your socks up and flirt some more, relax, play and just be yourself.

 

I mean I've got my self thinking negatively and assuming the worse.

Knock it off or I'll hunt you down and give you something REAL to worry about. (Just kidding!) This is not a real problem to worry about, and the problem is that worrying about it will likely make it WORSE. So, cheer up, relax.

 

It would be refreshing to hear a real outsiders opinion. Ask me questions if you need info to get better conclusion.

 

Why do I ask this?? It's not as if I'm a kid with his first terrified experience of love -it's not as if I don't know how to get over breaking up and moving on if I have to - it is just an incredibly powerful belief (trust me on this one) that this amazing woman is everything I could possibly want. This is causing a little anxiety and it would be helpful to feel less negative about maybe having blown it. I just don't know if I have or not. Obviously neither do you -but I am interested in yours and anyone else out there's opinion

If she's so wonderful, then she should understand your slight issues, right? Hey, everyone has a bad day, even I do. My fiance always gives me grief when I have a bad day and jokes that I'm supposed to be perfect. Guess what? It doesn't happen. But the perfect woman will ACCEPT that you are human. If she doesn't ... then she's not so perfect in my eyes.

 

Anyway, it's Friday. Get out of the house, go have fun, go flirt with some other women and get your confidence back, m'kay?

[onayrb]

What can I say mate -- thanks. Your responses have been awesome, the last one in particular and in particular in that one - the point that if is she is so amazing -she'd be able to deal with my slight mess up and move on. You're right - I reversed the situation and thought about how I might feel and I'd certainly not bin the whole thing over her being jealous. I'd talk to her about it and express my concerns (which is exactly what she already did to me on Monday!!).

I also like the remark your fiancee makes that you're "supposed to be perfect". That's a good one. I very much expect you'll have an amazing life together.

Although I stil await any noise from this wonderful woman that occupy's my thoughts, I feel happier, have lightened up a bit -had a reaonable night out last night and am off out with some friends tonight - I aim to think about the whole thing less and stay positive.

I'll update this thread with any progress - but thanks again -you've helped.

[onayrb]

PocoDiablo

Update. Good news I think. Sent her a text on Monday (still out of sequence - it was still her turn) anyway. It was light and flirty and fun. Guess what, I got a light and flirty and fun text back. Also got email yesterday with the following para at end:

-------

Better crack on as am in expensive internet place, but I want to hear all your news. Have been thinking of you in the last couple of days, damn you!

-------

How do you interpret that?

Anyway. I plan to be a bit distant for a while, give her more space, be a bit mysterious and not reply for a while. Does that sound like a good plan?

[kadvati79]

onayrb - please keep on that strong track of positive change and behaviour. Work on yourself because I think she is seeing this.

 

I like your communication so far, it seems safe. But I think you could be more confident maybe? She will see that, and I've said it time and again... CONFIDENCE IS ****ING SEXY!

 

You what to give this gal no choice but to fall in love with you all over again. She is NOT going to fall back based on your PAST but what you can offer her for the FUTURE. Many folks say that "people don't change", well I have made a career/life out of changing. I adapt to everything and it was my job for a while. Just visualise what you want to become and then set the wheels in motion to get there. Its a very satisfying process.

 

I think you have been growing in other ways, well i hope you have anyway. Thats really important. You want to be able to use this break from loving someone to be able to better yourself - so that if you do get back with her or with someone else in future, you don't have to go through this again.

 

I like reading your posts, you're a positive guy and I hope things keep working well. Just be cool

[PocoDiablo]

I agree with icemotoboy. Totally. Just keep going on the more confidence!

 

PocoDiablo

Update. Good news I think. Sent her a text on Monday (still out of sequence - it was still her turn) anyway. It was light and flirty and fun. Guess what, I got a light and flirty and fun text back.

Gee, big surprise. NOT! Of course you got a good response! You were fun and confident and that's all anyone wants.

 

Also got email yesterday with the following para at end:

-------

Better crack on as am in expensive internet place, but I want to hear all your news. Have been thinking of you in the last couple of days, damn you!

-------

How do you interpret that?

Easy! She's STUCK ON YOU. Good or bad, if someone is thinking about you it's a good thing. "Even bad press is good press" so to speak. (Press = "advertising") You should flirt right back, and keep it light and funny in YOUR sense of humor. Me? I'd say something like ... "Thinking about me? Something naughty I hope."

 

Anyway. I plan to be a bit distant for a while, give her more space, be a bit mysterious and not reply for a while. Does that sound like a good plan?

If you can flirt over text a little, that's fine. Don't be TOO distant, just slow down a little. Sometimes I'll wait an hour to reply, other times I'll reply right away. Just not right away all the time. Heck, some times I don't even reply! (Hey, I'm a busy guy!) Just go with the flow, but don't be too eager to reply.

 

I heard a good quote today:

 

What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value.

Thomas Paine

 

Basically, don't be a guy who is always available, always nice, always kissing up. Be of VALUE. Do that by not being the five penny candy than anyone can have. Be the fifty dollar caviar. Be special and hard to get.

[onayrb]

Dear icemotoboy and pocodiablo!

Thanks for your kind POSITIVE words and advice. Since I happened upon this site - I've actually learnt a lot. I'm not saying I was not aware of what the best practise might be to step through any kind of emotional minefield -but having the clarity of thought to adopt such practise is a different matter. A site like this, with kind positive people on gives excellent back-up and a solid reality check that puts the brain before the heart in terms of dealing and reacting to situations.

I've got a game plan now (not in a cynical sense) -but in terms of the proportionate effort I will put in to put the odds in my favour of ultimately being with the one who has had this profound effect on me. Thanks again Guys. I may update in a few months when she is back - if it turns out well -or if it doesn't, but I think it will...

Hope all is super cool in your respective worlds.

[kadvati79]

Good on you, but yeah need to add a cavet - be careful. Its a real minefield as you said. Make sure you have a good support structure and accept the fact you may be heartbroken all over again in the future. I believe that we don't get to chose who we love but we certainly choose what we do about it. I think people give up too easily in life, there is a difference between "not giving up" and "being obsessive/stalking".

 

Someone wrote about "presense" ages ago in a post- I think this is a key concept. In the courtship phase (and after a breakup, well, you go right back into it), its a real delicate balance. You need to maintain just enough presense in their life to be there, but little enough to be intriguing.

[onayrb]

Hello again,

A slightly gloomy update:

In the weeks since the email, she's entered a new phase in her travels joining a new organised group of (I'm sure highly fun and good-looking!) people travelling over many and various exciting places.

 

Neither of us have texted (I am not sure if she's on the same SIM card to be honest now she is on a different continent -but I'm not going to text and check!).

 

I replied to her last email, in a light positive flirty way and told her I was off on a holiday (I did go away for a long w/end and had a great time). The next email from her was basically a cut & paste job about her travels. I checked with a mutual friend. He got the same email with only the name changed! So that hurt me -that she had not even bothered to respond to me. When I got this mail it hit my inbox when I was at work, so I reacted and sent a reply (forgetting the logical time difference) straight away. I said - "are you at your computer". I then realised it had been delayed in transit and sent another mail "obviously not at your computer" then I said I was tired and hungover back from holiday, hence the confused reaction and that I had only wanted to communicate in "real-time" - - nothing important. I also said I was glad she was having such a good time and left it at that. I then had two days off work because of this!! I was too depressed to do anything. That was last week.

 

Today, I got her latest blog entries (along with every other subscriber of course) - not even an email to me at all - I mean she could have written a short para in response to my two (harmless??) little reactionary emails. So, for whatever reason she has gone completely silent on me. We had agreed right at the start (3 and a half months ago now) that if either of us met anybody else or just decided we should not communicate with each other anymore (for what ever reason) we would just tell each other straight rather than some sort of hurtful decline from healthy communication to bitter silence. So I have no idea why she is doing this and it is making me quite angry at her and very hurt. I may I guess get some kind of contact soon to say she's with someone else -or does not feeling anything or some other horror -but in the meantime this inability to communicate - to do anything is very hard to deal with. I do not plan to contact her again until she makes contact. The ball is in her court. I am powerless and very down. Any advice or words of encouragement are welcomed?

[onayrb]

Well me again. Still no contact. Just this cold silence. She's been on the web again this week so could easily have mailed me if she wanted. I'd like some kind of response if possible guys (please read my post prior to this from Monday) -I'm going ever so slightly mad with this slow mental torture and any help would be welcomed....

Thanks

[Tropigal30]

It has of course been very difficult missing her, being jealous etc, but she has been having an amazing time and missing me also and telling me that and we've handled it very maturely and well. We have exchanged wonderful emails - not gushing but sweet and with the clear message that although a great time was being had by her (and I pretended by me also) then the ultimate plan is to realise our potential together when she returns.

 

Hey onayrb

 

The thing that worries me about your posts is that is sounds like you have totally lost yourself in this girl and obsessing over her absense. The comment that you're pretending to have a life while she is away is also a bit of a concern ...

 

Noone is attractive if they give themselves completely to you, the zest is lost and the person that you met disappears.

 

I understand all of your feelings, except the bit where you sound like you don't enjoy anything in life now that she's not around.

 

Apologies if this comes off as a bit abrupt, I'm a bit of a realist (obviously except when it comes to my own issues ) and I'm not very talented at giving sugar coated advice.

 

The more you've got going on in your life the less you will take personally all these "spaces" in your communication ... I know when I was travelling I completely stuffed up with a guy I was really into because I couldn't find the time away from my travels (and organised tours are a bastard for that) to email him.

 

The pushing will push her away.

 

Go out and do something so that you have just as much to tell her as she does you, and you'll quickly find that your life isn't so empty without her after all.

 

Good luck !

[onayrb]

Hey tropigal,

You are of course right. I do tend to get into this obsessive mental trap when I fall for someone -but the situation of her away for six months has made things more intense. It is something I definitely am working on. Luckily she has not seen too much of that whilst away and I certainly do not intend her to see anything else apart from me being cool. Tell me though, you say you stuffed it up with a guy you were keen on because you just did not communicate. I guess that is similar to her perspective at the moment (not communicating with me). I guess you had the oppurtunity from time to time (internet cafes?) But how did you let it get like that -were you wrapped up in things -so distracted etc that you thought it might not ne a problem - not communicating? I am interested in what happened. How did he react, how did it go wrong? Not that I will of course - but I was tempted last week to draw a line under it all, point out that a sudden change from a lot of communication to pretty much switching off lately was rather inconsiderate to my feelings etc and that I was pushed away and wanted to move on. I will not do that as I understand the whole point of this trip is to "be away" and I do not want to close any doors unnecessarily. It is very frustrating though being on this end in "normal life" and feeling like this.

[Tropigal30]

I was so busy on tour and wanted to make the most of the experience that I didn't want to miss out on anything by being in an internet cafe. I was really into the guy tho and thought about him all the time, talked about him to the people I was travelling with and rang him whenever the times were right, racked up a huge roaming phone bill.

 

But the guy thought I must be having too much fun to still be interested in, so by the time I got back he had a new girlfriend.

 

The point I was making there is don't make any assumptions about what she's feeling or what she's doing just because she hasn't contacted you. Travelling is a huge all absorbing thing and takes you away from the "real world" to one that feels more important than what is going on at home. But it doesn't mean you don't care about it.

 

Good luck, stay positive and get on with your life at home so that you have something interesting to tell her when she does contact you.

[onayrb]

thanks tropigal. that makes perfect sense to me. I had an email from her this week which did not say much but was nice to receive. I will stay positive and in fact have begun to feel a lot more in control lately. Thanks again for helping with that and for your good luck wish.