Is this sexual assault? I don't know. I need insight

[JazzyGirl]

Ok. I've posted before about this man. He and I have known each other on and off since about 2002. We use to be best friends but had a falling out. A few months after the falling out we were sort of friends again. Then we lost touch for a bit and started hanging out and talking around November 2005. However, the "hanging out" became sexually immediately. I'm a virgin so it was never sex. It was making out - we'd wear very little clothing - and the furthest it'd gone was him fingering me. However, I realized I didn't want this kind of relationship because it was not a commitment. It was making me feel like a booty call. I told him this and said we could only be friends. He kept pushing it - holding me in his arms, kissing my neck. I'd say stop and he'd stop for a bit but then try things again. I knew this wasn't what I wanted plus I had met a new man. A wonderful man that I was getting to know so I definitely didn't want things to continue with my "friend" especially since my interest was now with someone else.

Now, I thought nothing of all of this stuff until.... about two weeks ago. I was very stupid.

 

I still considered this guy, I'll call him Eric, a friend. I don't know why, but I did. He said we were friends and said he cared about me and I believed him. (btw, I'm 25 years old and never had a boyfriend - not sure if that's important).

 

So, about two weeks ago I'd been going through a rough time and I was hanging on by a thread. My best guy friend and I got into a bit of a fight and that broke my tiny thread. I got totally drunk, and ended up text messaging Eric - something I barely remember doing. He responded and called me. I was crying my eyes out and he came and picked me up and brought me back to his apartment. I was pretty drunk I guess. I mean, I kind of remember the car ride there, and I sort of remember that I had a hard time getting out of the car. My head was spinning. He had to help me out of the car and to the apartment. We got inside his apartment... and he made me a drink - vodka and cranberry juice. I drank some of it, I guess mostly cause he handed it to me so I had it in my hands. I was pretty wasted as it was. I, now, somewhat remember being on the sofa in his living room but I don't remember much about it. The next thing I recall is that we're in his bedroom and I'm changing into one of his t-shirts and out of my own clothes... I dont really remember changing... or getting to the bedroom - well I remember an encounter with a wall on the way to his room, but other then that there are some blanks and I remember getting ready to go to bed - which for me meant lay down and sleep... but not for him. I lay on his bed and the next thing I remember is we're making out and he's on top of me. He only had on boxers. I was wearing a t-shirt shirt and undies. I vaguely remember him running his hands over me and fingering me. I don't know if I said no or not to that. What I do remember is that he tried to give me oral sex. I said no but he wouldn't stop. I kept saying no, come on Eric. I can't do this. It took like two or three times of me saying no, I can't do this before he stopped... that and I kept pushing him away. I also remember saying something to him about how I hate being pinned down, and that it freaks me out. But he tried to do it anyways. I don't know how but I broke my hand free from his grip - he's really super strong. I feel like I've got some blanks in there... though I did manage to fill in some blanks now that time has elapsed. I know there were two or three separate times that I said no and he didn't listen so I had to repeat it... once or twice more. I think he tried to have sex with me... I'm not sure though. I know I repeated to him that we could not have sex. I also remember him masturbating in bed next to me. I told him he should go to the bathroom but he said he wanted to do it there. I was so uncomfortable. I tried to ignore it. He knew that type of thing makes me uncomfortable but I guess it didn't matter to him. He just kept telling me I need to relax and go with it.

 

I told all of this to my best guy friend - after we made up - and he said that what Eric did is called sexual assault. I need to know what you all think please! Eric actually tried calling me the other day and it freaked me out. I just need some opinions. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know if it's sexual assualt or how sexual assualt is defined even.

 

Thank you!!

[RayKay]

If you said no, and it was against your consent...yes it was sexual assault.

 

Just because there was no intercourse does not make it okay. It's often harder for people whom are assaulted though to know whether it was 'wrong' or not, but you know in your gut it was. I had a very good friend go through similar.

 

You can press charges, but since you don't remember well, it can be hard to make a statement and all too and make a case, especially as a lot of time has elapsed which reduces evidence available.

 

I do suggest you contact a sexual assault/rape crisis centre or hotline, and they may be able to help you get both counselling and help you decide what steps you may want to take.

 

Stay away from this guy too, no matter what.

[southerngirl]

yes it is sexual assault. You came very close to being raped. Any time that you say no and the other person continues it is WRONG.

 

Stay away from this guy he is taking advantage of you. He came to your house picked you up knowing you were drunk... Tried to get you more drunk.. Probally came very close to raping you that night.

 

STAY AWAY from him! Don't talk to him anymore this is no friend.

[Mrocza]

I agree with the others. Please stay away from him. He isn't and wasn't ever a friend.

 

A friend would not try to kiss you, finger you or pin you down. A friend would not hand you a drink, when you're drunk, and try to take advantage of you.

 

Please, block his number. You've been through enough with this guy- stop it before it's too late. Please, don't be stupid about this. You made a mistake and had a huge error in judgement, but you don't need to have him in your life.

 

Like RayKay said, call a Rape Crisis hotline and tell them your story.

[BellaDonna]

Although you may have exercised bad judgement in the situation with the drinking and getting in his bed, it still does not make what he did right or excusable. I agree with the others that sexual assault did occur because you clearly said no several times and he was overpowering you with his strength and continuing on. If he thought you were consenting- he would not have pinned you down.

 

Bad judgement is something we all do- how many of us speed when driving, drink too much, take risks, etc....do silly, irrational things? All of us have at some point in our lives.

 

Sexual assault however is a crime. When put on a scale next to bad judgement, sexual assault is the real problem , and it outweighs everything else that went on. I do not find sexual assault excusable under any circumstances, even if bad judgement from the victim was involved.

 

Keep far, far away from this creep- he has sadistic and criminal tendencies.

 

 

BellaDonna

[coollady1957]

I agree with the others here. In my book that is blatant sexual assault. This guy is not what I would call a friend if I were you. Stay away from him. This guy is definitely " bad news".

[justpaisley]

Yes, you were assaulted. Press charges, although since you can't remember everything that was said, it will be hard to get a conviction.

 

Delete his number from your phone so you don't drunk dial him again. Don't answer if he calls. Don't open his e-mails. Delete his name and face from your memory. He is dangerous - who knows how much farther he would have gone?

[PocoDiablo]

yes it is sexual assault. You came very close to being raped. Any time that you say no and the other person continues it is WRONG.

 

Stay away from this guy he is taking advantage of you. He came to your house picked you up knowing you were drunk... Tried to get you more drunk.. Probally came very close to raping you that night.

 

STAY AWAY from him! Don't talk to him anymore this is no friend.

Oh yeah. I couldn't agree more.

 

This guy is bad news to take advantage of you while you were clearly incapacitated. I would suggest filing a police report but not pressing charges. Let him know you're done being his "friend" who he can wait to take advantage of and you've filed a report.

 

He needs a lesson in how to be a upstanding guy. If I knew him, I'd smack him upside his head and teach him that his behavior will only do him a great disservice. He needs to learn a lot about being a real friend.

[becallamjr]

I say cut it off!! with a dull knife.

 

Of course that would land you jail time. He attempted to rape you, realize this and do something about it.

[JazzyGirl]

Wow.. I... I don't know what to say. I appreciate everyone's advice. I want to stay far away from him. I am fortunate that we have no daily intereactions anymore - we use to go to the same university, but have both graduated.

I'm way too afraid to press charges. I don't think I can do that. I don't want ... I don't want to be ridiculed by his lawyers. I don't want them to portray me in that light. I know they'd turn it around on me and make it my fault. Before this happened, I always thought I would know if I was sexually assaulted... and I always thought to myself "God, if that happens to me then I'd nail the bastard to the wall" but... I was wrong.

I am terrified about reporting it. I just don't think I'm capable. I don't think it would go anywhere either. I know this guy and how his mind works too. I guarentee that he has no idea he did something wrong. He'd say I was overreacting. I feel a lot better knowing that I have you guys here, and knowing that I'm not crazy.

I will stay far away from him. He did contact me the other night (Monday night) and I panicked. I didn't answer his phone call though so he text messaged me. It was like 1:30 in the morning too. I texted him back to say it was late and leave me be. But he actually sat there and texted me back saying that he was depressed and needed a friend and wanted me to go for a drive with him. I said no way. I realize now how dumb it was to text him back. I thought that if I responded then I could tell him to leave me alone and then he would. I thought I could say all the things I wanted to say about how what he did was wrong... and I didn't do that. I'm disappointed in myself. I wish I would've had the courage to say to him that he hurt me and that he did something wrong to me....

 

My other thought - because I did a little bit of reading on sexual assault... I have not gone to a doctor or anything... do i need to do that? I've never been to a gyno so I'm kind of afraid to go... Also, from what he did, is it possible to get pregnant or get an STD or anything?

[RayKay]

It is possible to get an STI through oral sex and genital skin to skin contact. I would suggest you DO go to a doctor and explain what happened, and perhaps they would even refer you to a counsellor as well (which I do suggest). Pregnancy is unlikely though "possible" if any precum or ejaculate was placed near or in your vaginal opening, but I would still test for it if you miss a period.

 

Since you are also over 18, it's a veyr good idea to be going to a gyno even if you are not sexually active, regular check ups are important. It's scary the first time, but it's really not that bad, more uncomfortable then anything and most are pretty good at talking you through it, so find one you feel comfortable with. And you should get tested to rule out STI's anyway.

 

I understand your fear of pressing charges - my best friend had a "friend" commit sexual assault on her too, and she was also very confused about it, but you have to remember it is NOT your fault. He was in the wrong. I suggest that if you were to at least file a report with a sexual assault crime officer, at least there is a record, even if you don't press charges it is documented for the future.

[JazzyGirl]

Thanks guys! I went to my primary today and am getting tested for some STDs and he is doing a pregnancy test for peace of mind.

[southerngirl]

Continue to stay away from him. I can understand not wanting to press any charges. Don't answer his text messages either.

 

About the doctor, thats good you have gone because its something every woman should do anyway. This way if you do have any problems develop (even if they are not sex related) you already have an established relationship with your doctor.

[JazzyGirl]

Update:

The guy text messaged me and it was like this:

So I was asleep and he text me at 2:36am with "hey no roomate can u sneak out." but i didn't hear a thing. I was asleep then 20 minutes later he's like "hello" I'm still sleeping and hear nada.. then.. another 20 minutes "seriously please answer"

so he calls me and i was confused because I'm half asleep and the phone's ringing and I couldn't figure out why my phone was ringing lol... so I hit mute and didn't answer and then saw his text messages. (and to keep in mind. I wasn't really awake when I responded).

So I said "I was asleep... very late... tired"

He's like "sorry bummed again please help"

I said "u get bummed at 3am when u have no roomie...i'm not a toy 2 be used for sexual gratification" and he said "I'm not looking 4 gratification. I'm looking for u if you help me now i'll be your b/f"

So I wrote to him "U know I can't sneak out for one. Right now, I can't do the b/f thing cuz I'm mending a broken heart from this other guy and that will take time for me" (and he knew about this guy)

and he's like "but i'm all alone and yet a second time i need help but where are you? I'd die for u. Please help me"

I told him "You call me at 3am when there is nothing i can do for u and u know that. I'm a nice, caring, and even sensitive person but you KNOW that at 3am there's nothing i can do for u..."

He said "but I save you at this time" and I got livid... starting to wake up a little bit but not totally, and I said back to him...

"Damn it for u 2 throw that in my face. I can't leave my house. All r sleeping, mine was at 1am on a weekend when people were awake. I was also totally wasted. if sober. nothing would have happened"He said "I helped u and now twice you diss me? I guess your just a BSer like everyone else"

I remember being really pissed off at this point. I said to him "U can think I'm a b**ch or w/e. but this is done. I need to sleep. I haven't slept in weeks." then I text him again saying "B.S. I am not dissing u. YOU KNOW I CAN'T leave. You what, think what u want. I'm in pain and exhausted. Goodnight. Phone on silent since I'm a b**ch"

 

So... I am really hoping he doesn't bother me again. I just didn't know what to do and I don't know. I start to feel guilty when he's like "I'm bummed" but that's just part of my personality - I like always feel guilty about things even if they are not my fault. I want nothing to do with him! He was talking about "helping me" and that was the night that I originally posted about - where he assaulted me... I guess that's what it's called... assault. I still feel confused and scared and nervous and I just don't know what to do. My sister wants me to block his number... but I'm scared to and I don't know why.

 

I don't know what to do. I know I should not answer his calls or text messages. It was like 3am and I was tired and didn't know what I was doing. I like to think I would've ignored him. I hope I would've. He said that boyfriend thing and my stomach turned at the thought. I use to love him... now... I just want nothing to do with him. And that whole "I'd die for you" --- I don't know... that was overboard to me. He was always so good at letting me down. He's never saved me or helped me or really been there for me. I don't know anymore. I am so confused and afraid. I just don't even want to deal with the situation or him or any of it.

What should I do? I don't know where else to turn.

[southerngirl]

I agree with your sister, now would be a good time to block his number. You do not need to make excuses why you can not leave with him. Don't talk to him dont answer his messages dont go anywhere with him!

 

Thats what you should do.

[JazzyGirl]

I wish I could understand why I'm so afraid to block his number. All of this has me so bummed out right now. It's like it's all just hitting me so slowly. Really hitting me.... and hard... and I don't know. I just wish I could erase it. Forget it. Something. I don't want to feel like this anymore. It hurts.

 

I'm going to try to block the number... I'm scared to... I don't know why but I am.

[Shesa]

Jazzygirl,

 

I am new to this website and just read your post. Ironically, I typed up a very long scenario very simliar to yours-- but I hit a wrong button and it got "lost"-- eh-- anyway.

 

Everything about your post reminded me of my past experience. But, since it is almost 2 am-- I will not re-write everything right now.

 

Like you, I was a virgin, I had been drinking, and I thought I could trust the guy. I had no interest in having sex, etc. Also like you, I don't remember exactly how I ended up in his bedroom or exactly what happened. Unlike you, he took full advantage of my intoxicated state.

 

I am now 25 years old and until recently, I was in denial and basically tried to convince myself that it was consentual. The sick thing is that I actually dated this guy (who was 25 years old at the time) for six months after it happened.

 

I have been afraid to be open about what happened, because for some reason I feel that having been "raped" or "sexually assaulted" would make me look worse than simply having sex.

 

I currently have an awesome boyfriend (he is only my second "real" boyfriend)--- so also like you, I am not that experienced with boyfriends, etc. Anway, my boyfriend could sense how guarded I was, etc. He wanted to know why.

 

I just want you to know that things like that happen to good girls--- girls that are not looking for sex, etc.

 

I beat myself up over the fact that I put myself in that situation--- but drinking waaay too much and by trusting someone I shouldnt have. It happens to the brightest of women, so dont worry you are not alone.

 

I have a doctorate and I couldn't protect myself. Thankfully, I know a lot more now than I did then. However, it has made me more jadded and frankly its an experience that I'd definitely like to forget about it.

 

But guess what? I forgot about it all these years (DENIAL) ... I forgot about it immediately after... and I still dont remember exactly what happened (Either severe denial or too intoxicated)....

 

I'm just hoping that by posting this message, others will not feel alone, and that it will help me some-- to acknowledge that it happened. Because whether we like it or not, these crappy things that happen to us DO affect us.

 

When I was first intimate with my current boyfriend-- I shook like a leaf. I was shocked at the fear that resurfaced.

 

Stay away from this guy. You are very lucky.

 

Best

[Shesa]

My appologies for all the typos.

[Daddy Bear]

unquestionably sexual assault, and i'm sorry to hear that happened. that's an animal, not a man. i recommend you cut him off immediately and completely.

 

right at the root.