A change of pace

[Jjasonn28]

Hello Everyone.

 

Just checking in with all of you who are familiar with my saga. Well, the title of this post says it all. This week has been very different. Strange and unusual, but a relief in a way. As you may know, I picked up a contract and forced myself to get back on the horse. And since the first day of the job, I have felt less depressed, or it hasn't been a conscious depression anyway...

 

Concentrating on this job has given my mind a break from the relentless agony of feeling like a failure. And suprisingly, Ive had a slight boost of my overall confidence in every aspect of my life. I'm happy to be back working, I've stumbled accross an oportunity to create a career for myself that I can be happy with. That alone is MASSIVE. For so long, i've been working for the wrong reasons. But maybe now, with a little hard work and dedication, I can change all of that for good... I cannot begin to explain the excitement of possibility I have growing in me.

 

As for things with the former girlfriend... well nothing much has changed. Of course I still love her. And still feel things from her that are beyond 'moving on'. In fact, she called me last night, at midnight because she misses me and just wanted to talk. Not only did she call late, but she called from a payphone, because her roomate was on the phone. It just doesn't seem like something that one would do, when trying to distance, or separate themselves from another.. Or is it just me?

 

Regardless, there is nothing I can do. I will begin to push myself to focus more on building a life that is best suited for me. Not wait for answers from her... not wait for her to finish school so that we may figure out a direction together. Ive done that for too long, and honestly, it dawned on me the other night, that perhaps that was part of what pushed her away. My lack of 'get up and go' towards MY life. Maybe I put unnecessary pressure on her (albeit non intentional) to lead the way.

 

Still, I believe we are great together. I believe that we both have a connection that is beyond explanation. And I will, without doubt continue to feel a great loss. But I must, push forward and do whats best for me. I will continue to be her friend. And if in the future we reconcile then great. And if not, hopefully.... I will have made sense of this entire situation. Hopefully, the pieces of the puzzle will finally fall into place, and I can be satisfied, without regret that this all for the better.

 

Thinking of her with a smile tonight,

 

JP

[friscodj]

Regardless, there is nothing I can do. I will begin to push myself to focus more on building a life that is best suited for me. Not wait for answers from her... not wait for her to finish school so that we may figure out a direction together. Ive done that for too long, and honestly, it dawned on me the other night, that perhaps that was part of what pushed her away. My lack of 'get up and go' towards MY life. Maybe I put unnecessary pressure on her (albeit non intentional) to lead the way.

 

Yeah! This is it bro! You're figuring it out. I've been following your situation for a while and you are finally figuring things out. Nice job Jason. Focus on you and your career instead of your ex...right on... =D>

[Wimpy]

Hey Jason

I too have been following your posts for a while and I have to say this is such a difference.

Well done mate!

Keep up the focus on yourself and your own life and way forward. That way whatever happens with the ex you're in a better position to handle it as you've started to heal yourself.

Great to read such an upbeat post from you.

 

[Jjasonn28]

Thanks guys.

 

I really am feeling much better. Having a new focus has really helped to keep my mind from wandering down the same dead end road. I will say though, that taking nearly 3 months away from work wasn't all bad. The company I left has called me back a few times, and even offered me a raise. But I've decided not to do that. I am good at what I do, and in time, believe I can be very successful working for myself.

 

Of course Ive had hockey as well. Fridays have become my holy day And realizing just how much I love being involved in it, I have now also joined a hockey camp. Apparently there is an Adult hockey school run by an ex NHL'r in my city. They only have one goaltender during the Tuesday lunch hour time slot, so I will be going to get some practice in Good timing too, as the league starts up in less than 4 weeks!

 

Yes, I am being positive. Trying my hardest. Im not going to say that I still dont get sad, and that I dont think about her. Because I do, just now, it doesn't constitute 90% of my waking day. Saturday evening, I took a big step, and went out with some friends to a restaurant that her and I had some special memories of. It was hard, and I did miss her, but I feel a sense of accomplishment having pushed myself to do it. I dont want to replace those memories, but I dont want handcuff myself from enjoying the things in life that bring me pleasure... regardless if it reminds me of her.

 

Also, I went out for lunch today with a friend. When I got home, there was a message from her. Saying that she just got in from work, that she would be home all night, and that she misses us and asked if I would call. Getting that message from her made me feel good... but I did not call. I don't know why. I love talking with her, but I just couln't bring myself to call her. I dont feel bad about it, just strange...

 

Oh, while at the restaurant for lunch today, we ran into a friend who we havent seen in quite a while. He was with his wife. Which was a surprise, because last we seen him, they had split up. I talked with him for a couple minutes, and he said that they are very happy, and that some 'things' just have to happen. So in a strange way, I was able to get a sense of hope that things may just work out. And either way, together or not, I am going to be just fine. I mean, even now, without this 'event' in my life, I would still be miserable at work, and stuck in a limbo life, wondering whats next.

 

I still dont know exactly whats next, but I do know that whatever it is, its up to ME to find.

 

Thanks for all of your support so far. Without doubt, this site has kept me grounded more than any other contributing factor. I appreciate everyones well wishes, kind words, and amazing attitudes.

 

I'll be keeping you posted!!

 

JP

[pedro]

Jason, your posts are truly inspiring. I'm glad you are moving on with your life and improving yourself as a person.

 

My situation was very similar to yours. When my fiance (ex-finance now) moved to London ON to work, I really missed her. I became depressed, didn't do the things I used to enjoy (sports, hobbies) and I think it was really stressful on our relationship. I was waiting for her to finish her job that it was eating me up inside. We started having alot of problems and it ended up with her ending the relationship.

 

Now I'm putting back the pieces after our breakup. I'm trying to keep busy and move forward. We still talk (like you and your ex), and I hope time will heal wounds and maybe we can get back together. If not, then that is something I'll have to live with.

 

Reading about your experience shows that there is hope and that when you improve yourself and are happy with your life, then everything falls into place. Keep us posted. Take care

[Jjasonn28]

Hey Pedro.

 

Thanks for your post. Im starting to think that London Ontario is a very bad place That is where my ex girlfriend moved to as well. She lives there with her sister while she finishes up university.

 

You know, its easy to think that nothing can come between two people in love. Especially a little distance. But what you explained as happening to you and your relationship, happened to this one. I started to miss her more and more, and became sad about it. And rather than do something proactive to make things better, I sat back and waited on hopes that things would just somehow, work themselves out. But they didn't. She knew I was sad, I knew she was sad, but we wouldn't talk about it. We thought we were protecting eachother by trying to stay strong. Sure its easy now to look back and see that our way of dealing with it, wasn't at all effective. But what are we to do now?

 

Try to move forward. Its hard to do, when both parties still have unbelievably strong feelings for eachother. In my opinion, we could still work things out. It would just take a commitment from both of us to want it. Perhaps seeking a professional to help both of us build the proper communication tools. Tools which we both lack. However, its easy to see that at this point, both of us are drained from the last year. Who knows, maybe in time something will happen. But I cant sit and hope for something like that to happen. I need to move forward in my life. I will continue to carry with me the hopes of being together again one day. But who knows, maybe at some point along the way, I will let go of those hopes, and grab on to something new.

 

It is hard. If it wasn't, we wouldn't be here would we. Here's to hoping we can learn valuable lessons from all this, and productively apply them to our future.

 

Cheers.

[pedro]

Hey Jjasonn

 

It's amazing how similar our situations are. Yes, London is a nice town, but maybe it has an evil influence too

 

Looking back, I wish I had moved from Edmonton to London to be with her. It didn't happen because of my own insecurities, etc. I thought I'd never find as good a job as I have now. What good is my great job without the woman that I love. We both tried to make each other happy but were ignoring ourselves. We would talk every night, but never communicate our true feelings. I have sure learnt alot about myself, even in this short time since our breakup. I wish I could turn back the hands of time....

 

But you can't and it is true you must move forward. It is really hard for me to do NC. Everyone on this forum seems to think that's the best way to go. I don't want to seem needy and everything, but I'm afraid as time goes by it would be harder to try to get back together. I pray for patience everyday. It is out of my hands.

 

Keep strong and it's good to see you're moving forward

pedro