We are on the edge of break-up, please help!

[nicolediver]

I was hoping to seek some advice from you all regarding my relationship. We are in an extremely fragile and vulnerable state and last night, we almost ended our relationship.

 

Lately, things just haven't been right. Our communication seems off and the disconnect between us continues to widen. The issue of space and time comes up again because we are so different in this regard. I want much more from him than he is able to give. I also recognize that I probably want much more than most people are able to give. I dont like being the clingy girlfriend nor do I want to be. Today I am currently in counseling to help my insecurity and dependency issues.

 

Because of our problems and issues I feel I have played some part in pushing my boyfriend away. I have at times been negative, needy and critical. Also, in the beginning of the relationship I was very reluctant to give myself up completely despite the fact that his heart was on his sleeve.

 

Fast forward a bit. I think due to my early reluctance and my constant pushing, my boyfriend started to shutdown. He has issues with trust and vulnerability so when put in the position where he thought I wasn't happy and may not return the same love he closed off.

 

Naturally, you can probably see why we started to unravel. We are completely in love and saddened to no end that we cant seem to overcome these obstacles. Last night in our conversation we just felt so defeated and wondered if we should even bother trying because we are so afraid of it not working again.

 

The thing is we want it to so badly and because of this have decided to give it one last shot. The problem is we dont know where to go now. When coupled with feelings of hope and hopelessness all at once, it leaves you feeling lost and spent.

 

Basically, he needs to overcome his frustrations with me and learn a way to find safety and vulnerability in the relationship. I need to learn to not be so clingy and express myself in a more positive manner. Mainly though, we just need to feel good again and less apprehensive.

 

Have any of you been in this position? Where you both want it to work so badly but dont know which way to go? And you feel like you are walking on eggshells and simply trying to find the right path?

 

It is such a heart wrenching feeling. To love someone so much and be loved but not know how to fix something that feels so outside of yourselves.

 

The only immediate decision we made is that taking some time apart might be helpful. At the very least, it allows for feelings of frustration and hopelessness subside. It allows for personal growth and perhaps a better perspective on the situation.

 

We are definitely still committed and want to try and want it to work. Sometimes I feel we rushed into this intensity and maybe we should find away to step-back and start over. Be lighter, get know each other all over, grow and ease back into it slowly again.

 

We both realize the road back may be a long one but its worth it to us. Do any of you have any suggestions? Can time and space help the healing process? What else can be done to help me be less clingy and help him lower his guard in the face of such sadness?

[tyler711]

Have any of you been in this position?

 

Everybody has, including me.

 

Your boyfriend knows his mistakes, and you know your own. Overcoming denial is the first step and it sounds like you're well on the way. Time apart is probably a good thing. You guys sound like you can work things out. And the best thing that will happen is that this will make you a stronger couple. The next time something like this comes up (and it will) it won't be as difficult.

 

The thing is we want it to so badly and because of this have decided to give it one last shot.

 

I disagree with the last three words. One last shot... when this happens again are you going to call it quits? You WILL fight about money, family, past flames, whatever you can think of. Change the mentality of "one last chance" to "let's work things out everytime" and you will be good to go.

[friscodj]

Tough situation for sure...

 

Your suggestion about taking a step back is about the only thing I can think of. Instead of walking down this relationship path holding each other close arm-in-arm, walk down the path just holding hands for a while instead. You should certainly consider this choice while you both seek counseling separately and as a couple...

 

Now there are practical ramifications of this too. Would you date other people? How much time are prepared to take like this? What changes to the physical aspects of the relationship would you make? And don't kid yourselves, you two can never just "start all over" again. There's too much history there...no couple can just "start over" I don't believe...

 

Also realize that it is very possible for two people to be decent people, love each other, want a relationship to work, and it doesn't. That is a hard lesson I've learned: sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

 

All this struggle with these problems...are you both trying to force a square peg into a round hole?????

[nicolediver]

Tyler, Thank you for the kind words, your positivity is contagious. We want it work out but as explained we are both feeling defeated at this point. Sure, we recognize our faults but knowing how to overcome them is quite another thing.

 

The problem is our strength as a couple has severely weakened. After last night's conversation I didnt even stay at his home (and to be honest I think he was relieved). Obviously, time apart is needed.

 

Sometimes you hit this wall and wonder if and how to recover from it. Yes, the love and desire is there. But I think along the way we have lost some strength and faith. Mostly, we dont even know what to do. More and more, I feel him retreating out of pure frustration and sadness.

 

I of course hope that in time this will heal but I just dont know. And in response to your question, "one last shot." Well, honestly that is how we are feeling. Given the situation I am not sure if we can deal with another big blow right now. We need time to build-up again and be in place to better handle new conflicts. We are simply trying to build-up our foundation again. It's hard to survive more frustration under that.

 

I just wish I better knew what to do especially when I feel like I am the one with more optimism and strength in this situation...

 

Friscodj,

 

In response to some of your questions we have decided to not date other people. This is something neither one of us wants. As for how much time apart we havent decided. We know it is needed but at the same time we dont want to treat this as a complete "break" so to speak. We are still together and have hope but know because of the fragility of the situation it is best to be apart until the rawness subsides. I know it seems like nothing at all but at the very minimum I dont expect any contact between either one of us for at least a week. We realize time apart is good but have also acknowledge in order to work at it and get back in touch with one another some time needs to be spent together.

 

So we have both expressed the idea of easing back into things slowly. Not spending huge amounts of time together, going on dates and not getting too comfortable with a routine. Recognizing the importance we have to one another but not making each other the most important thing. We want to feel comfortable around each other and the relationship again. We want to see the positive changes we are making as individuals and have that benefit the relationship. We just have agreed that things need to be handled delicately and differently than before. The way we look at it if its meant to last the longhaul, taking time now is not a huge sacrifice if it ensures a better future. I think it is our hope that these small steps will help bring us closer again and cause a renewal.

 

As far as the square peg, round hole theory. It is definitely something we have discussed. And to be honest we arent sure. We arent ready to walk away yet so at least want to give it a try to see if time apart and individual work may help us. In the end, if we find we are simply not compatible we have agreed to walk away.

[friscodj]

You have an incredibly healthy and insightful outlook on this situation. I really feel if any relationship is meant to work it will be yours described here. I sincerely wish you the best, you're doing all you can do...

[nicolediver]

Thank you so much for your support in my current situation. It's getting late here and I havent heard from all day (nor did I really expect to). I just wonder given my situation is it okay to contact him with an e-mail or a text to say, "goodnight" or "I hope you are doing well."

 

I know we need time apart but we are still together so I am not sure what is appropriate contact. And talking to all of my friends has confused me further. Some think that because he is feeling upset and all, it's best to leave him be and cool down. While others have said that when they are in that same headspace hearing kind words from their partner makes a difference.

 

I just dont know which way to go with that. Any thoughts out there?

[friscodj]

I would say take "one step less" than you would normally. So if you normally would call him to wish him goodnight, send him an email instead. If you see each other 3 times a week, make it twice a week. The details are really up to you but this would be a good start I think... You guys need to really talk about it, reach an agreement, and stick to it.

[nicolediver]

I think that is great advice to step back from my normal routine without a complete withdrawal. As far as he and I go, I am uncertain of creating such a rigid structure. I would like to see what might happen naturally so nothing is forced and we both feel comfortable with what is transpiring.

 

I dont know. Everything is so confusing to me right now.

[friscodj]

Well, you guys have been together a while and have established routines and boundaries. In order to change these in hopes of ultimately moving forward, you are going to have to make changes that won't feel natural relative to the established routines and boundaries...

 

You may want to start out by agreeing to a set time away from each other and NC. Figure out some outline of a plan on your own and ask him to do the same. Maybe a week or two totally away from each other will assuage the confusion. Then meet up and discuss what plans you both came up with...

 

And dont get me wrong, what you're about to do here is going to be very, very tough...

[nicolediver]

So, I am definitely going to do my best and stop freaking out and allow for us both to have the time and space that I know we need. It's just harder for me as I am definitely a "clinger." Also, I always want to work on things immediately and I think I could benefit from learning some patience.

 

I am beginning to really see that in certain situations, couples may be so off-track or frustrated and confused that time is the only thing that may help. It allows for negative feelings to subside. Also, I am feeling so hopeless now as if we are already over. I am hoping that this space will allow me to get away from those feelings of hopelessness and instead miss him not with dread but with renewed optimism. And the hard truth is, his feelings of despair are much worse than mine so time away seems of the utmost importance.

 

If you are frustrated with someone and feeling hopeless, havin gthem in your face would seem to just trigger more of these feelings. But if they are away, you have the ability to gain a clearer perspective, miss them and increase your desires to see them.

 

Of course, the fear is that he may simply retreat more and decided that it's no longer worth the fight. I guess there are always risks involved.

 

I just dont know how to approach the time apart issue. He said that right now he is very upset so he needs some time to cool down so I shouldnt expect nor get upset if I dont hear from him in the next few days-week. After that, we both expressed the need to take things extremely slow. That even though we might see each other, the majority of our time during this period needs to be spent away from each other.

 

What do you all think of that? Does it sound like a good plan?

[friscodj]

Sounds like a great plan...I wish you guys the best...we'll be here if you need us...

[Polypeptide]

I have been reading ur posts.

 

I'm going through the same thing. I had problems with my bf. And I knew we needed time and space. But I just didn't have the courage to say it. I thought things might get better and I just didn't mention taking a break. But then we fought again and again. Until few days ago my bf finally couldn't take it and he said we needed to take a break from each other.

 

I believe that he loves me too and wanna make it work. But taking a break is the only option to rebuild our relationship. We talked about it. At last he agreed to stay together but we should spend time apart...

 

I don't know how to deal with the contact issue as well. I dunno how often I should call. I dunno how I can show him I'm still there caring from him but just not needy to be with him.

 

Sometimes I feel hopeless that after spending time together we will still break up....

 

Good luck and we should support each other thru this tough time

[nicolediver]

I feel like I am going to lose it and any advice would be helpful. My boyfriend and I were both on the social networking site Myspace. Shortly after deciding to take a break I deleted my account. I felt like I was wasting time on the site and also during our break I didnt want to check-up on him through the Web.

 

Tonight, while my friend was on her Myspace account I decided to look at his. I was shocked and hurt to find that he changed his relationship status to "Divorced." I realize it is just a stupid site and should be taken with a grain of salt but this hurt me so much.

 

I texted him twice asking why he would do that and his reply was so curt: "There's no 'trial seperation' option. Leave me be."

 

I am so hurt. To me putting that you are "divorced" might as well be the same as saying you are single. My friends say not to read too much into it. That he is just hurting and acting out in a selfish and insensitive manner and that in his head he probably feels divorced in a sense. They also say its still not entirely bad because he didnt put "single." And by doing this it just indicates he is still hurting, etc. They also said his text (though rude) still states he is going along with the idea that we are on a break.

 

I am just so mad and feel so overlooked and am beginning to think he is too upset at this point. Why would someone do that? And then why would they respond in such a hurtful manner. I dont know if I should just tell him to forget it since he is onviously being a jerk at this point.

 

Please help.

[friscodj]

Hey nicolediver-

 

I don't think you are reading too much into this, especially given his response via text message. Anything that hurts you this much is important and should be read into I think...

 

Well, he told you to leave him be, so leave him be. Now is the time to go NC completely and see what shakes out of it. Communicate with him that you will leave him alone, he won't hear from you at all, and ask him to talk to you when he is ready. That is the relatively easy part of this...

 

Now the more difficult part is what do you do now. Now is the time to do some serious self-introspection and exploration of your feelings and thoughts. Realize though that this time will be shadowed by the sting of the separation and the associated change that has taken place in your life. You need to try really hard to look past this when you figure out what you want from this. Ask yourself after the dust settles how you feel without him, do you really see a future with him, and what would that future really look like. Things like this...

 

From reading your posts, you sound very insightful and intelligent. You should trust your judgment on this and take as much time as you need to do so.

[nicolediver]

Hi,

 

Thank you for your resonse.

 

Since my last post, He emailed me too: "Quit your fussin'"

 

Basically, he tells me this when he thinks I am being silly or making something bigger than it is. I think in his mind it was not as big of a deal as I saw it. To each his own.

 

Well, I emailed him back and said that it hurt me because I thought we were still together and that by changing his status it made me question his intentions. I also said that I understood it was a dumb Web site and perhaps I should take it with a grain of salt, and yes I guess in the abstract we are "divorced" in a sense. I ended it by saying, I am letting it go because its not worth stressing about.

 

Apparently, not what he wanted to hear because he responed by deleting his MySpace accoutn altogether.

 

I am took your advice friscodj. I sent an e-mail letting him know I will be leaving him alone and that I am here when he is ready. I also told him that I knew this was not easy for him either but I had faith we could make it through this and become better as individuals and together as well. I did ask if he could e-mail as the pain begins to lessen but I understand his timeline might be different than mine. I mentioned too that I was excited to use this time away to work on myself and my own issues.

 

Despite all of this, I think I am pretty much going to operate like we are broken-up and move-on. He seems so distant and detached and is know responding in ways that are cold. I feel like its a lost cause. My friends say to hang in there because he loves me and just needs time to process and have the anger subside. But I dont know, it seems hopeless.

 

I mean do separations really work? Or is it just one step closer to a break-up?

 

And for the men out there, is it common to withdraw and turn distant when upset, sad or frustrated?

[friscodj]

It is common to withdraw. I read somewhere once that when the emotional pressure is on, men retreat to their "caves". That's where he is now I think...and it is best to leave him there until he is ready to come out...

 

Separations do work, I know a few people it has worked for. The key is that both people need to be committed to working through their issues and that of the relationship. I would give him a week or two and just ask him if he is doing this and how things are going for him. Gauge his response and go from there...

 

I've got to tell you nicolediver, I am very impressed with how you are handling this. The "advice" you are giving yourself in this way is as good as any. You should absolutely trust yourself more than anyone during this time...

[nicolediver]

Thank you saying that I am giving myself good advice. The problem is sometimes the advice I give myself and the actions I perform are very opposed.

 

It sounds unfortunate but I think I am giving up. The point you made about separations really affected me. Despite the things he has said I am not sure how committed he is to working through this so we can be together.

 

I think he wants to not feel angry and wants to learn to trust. I also think he does love me but I am not sure if that is enough. Ultimately, I think he wants what is easier. And what he thinks "should" happen vs. what he might want to happen. Does that make sense?

 

I mean yes, he did say he wanted it to work, etc but he looked and sounded so defeated I am not sure where he is going to find the hope and energy to will that to happen. I also dotn know if he was saying it because he believed it or if it was out of love for me.

 

I certainly wish he could though.

 

I dont know, maybe I am being too pessimistic and I should give him time but he just seems so detached and removed. If he really wanted things to work I just would think his attitude would be different. Maybe this makes me naive but I feel myself giving up.

[shamus]

nic,

you have a great head on your shoulders. give it time and space.

in your previous posts you talked about taking it slow, but are having trouble communicating and both of you getting over your issues.

if you guys do try may i suggest couples counselling? that may be the way to go, see a therapist and go from there, they may be able to help you see things from the other's perspective and allow open communication

[friscodj]

Have you ever heard the saying "if you love something, let it go and if it comes back, it's meant to be?" I think that holds true here.

 

You both sound emotionally drained. Once the emotional gas tank fills up again, see what comes of it. That's really all you can do at this point. So let that happen and try not to beat yourself up thinking about it as it is happening...this worry will only be counter-productive to this "emotional filling" you want to be doing...

 

And remember to always trust and believe in yourself. You sound really together with this...

[nicolediver]

I am all about counseling. I mean I am in individual counseling right now.

 

The problem is I am meant to be leaving him alone right now so suggesting anything would not be a good idea. He is so on edge, I dont think it would take much to push him away completely. I also think that right now he is not ready for something like that. He is angry and confused and frustrated. I think in order for him to consider something like that he would need us to be on better footing. At the very least, talking.

 

And yes, I do want to take it slow but I am beginning to think I am kidding myself and setting myself up for a fall. I dont know if it is my insecurities speaking but I feel like I would be a fool to think he really wants to work it out. I mean I think he does on some level but I also think he is so tired of it.

 

I guess in a sense its a crapshoot. I mean eventually he is going to start feeling better and then he will gain the perspective he really needs to decide if this is what he wants.

 

And this is really the reason I am having doubts. I feel like he could not have possibly meant what he said. When that drained, upset, defeated, hopeless and everything else how can you sit and honestly say, "I want this to work out, I will make changes, I love you." Maybe you hope to believe that but how can you see that sort of sentiment clearly when in such a state of mind?

 

I mean can you be hopeful and hopeless all at once?

[friscodj]

I don't think he's ready for counseling either...no way...he told you straight-up to leave him alone...listen to him...

 

It is a crapshoot right now. It is out of your hands at this point. I would wait a week or two, then ask him where he is at, and go from there...have patience...don't think beyond this point right now...

 

Can you be hopeful and hopeless all at once? I don't think so, but you can be neither...and I think that is where you should be looking to right now...be neutral and let things happen as they happen for now...

[nicolediver]

Given what he said, I think you are right friscodj, I have to just let him be. I suppose as a way of self-protection I am going to operate as this is sort of a break-up. I dont want to pin my hopes on him and get disappointed. The only thing I wont be doing is pursuing other people.

 

Right now, I need to work on myself and realize it is out-of-my-hands.

 

I asked if it was possible to feel hopeful and hopeless at the same time because in our discussion, he said this is what he felt. That he hoped it would work out, wanted it to but also didnt know if it was possible. Talk about being defeated right?

 

I just found it strange that he could feel those things all at once. I think just the existence of some hope indicates you are not hopeless. Weary, perhaps. Maybe even pessimistic. But not hopeless.

 

But you are right, I have to look out for me now. As far as he goes, there is nothing left I can do. I might even wait for him to contact me., instead of seeing how he is in a few weeks.

 

To be honest, I am tired of feeling like I am fighting harder for this than he is. And if he doesnt contact me, I'll know. Or maybe he'll just e-mail to say, sorry but no. (I am not sure if I posted it in this thread but this whole "break" discussion was spawned because he tried to dump me via e-mail!!! I was horrified. After seeing/talking to me all of these other things came out of his mouth. Like I said, the man is confused...)

 

I want to thank you for all of your kind words and encouragement, it has been such a help. There are times when I feel like I am going crazy and this forum makes the hugest difference.

[friscodj]

Hold on a second...he "tried" to break up with you over email? Did he say he wanted to break up? Did you talk him into staying in the relationship or bargain with him into taking a break instead?

 

A hard lesson I've learned is that if you have to talk someone into having a relationship with you on any level, it's far better to walk away and call it done rather than kid yourself and hold onto some hope that the other person will come around and create a healthy and balanced relationship... I don't know of any good relationship that has come about after one person talked the other into having it...

 

Sorry to say, but after reading your last post regarding how he "tried" to break up with you, his confusion, and you feeling like you are "fighting" harder for this to work, I think you should call this one done. I am starting to think you are holding onto something that isn't there...something that is healthy and balanced at least... I think a large source of his confusion is coming from you trying so hard to make this work. Let's see what happens when you stop trying...

[nicolediver]

So the e-mail incident:

 

He wrote the break-up e-mail and said within its body that he still loved me, wanted it to work but didnt know how, thought maybe this was the best thing for us, felt that he couldnt make me happy.

 

Well, I was terribly upset and went to his house to collect my things. I didnt beg for him to change his mind (I was too mad at him for sending me an e-mail!). In fact, I said his feelings were valid and I understood and felt them too at times. He asked me to sit down and from there the discussion happened at his prompting. He said he was sorry that he put all of that in an e-mail but was feeling so lost. He continued by stating he was still very much in love and wanted to be with me. He then asked if I thought we had a chance and what if anything could be done to make it work.

 

I suggested the break in response to his question, but not as a bargaining tool. We discussed it as I described earlier in the thread. I expressed to him my fears that he would not truly work on his issues and he said that if he was going to agree to have a "time apart" period with me, he was going to work on it. When I asked him why he said that, he was not going to just waste his time to be hurt more in the end. That if that was the case we should just break-up here and now.

 

In the end, it was me who gave the verdict so to speak. I told him I had to really think about whether or not I thought it possible and if I could handle it. So I sat there in silence for about 10-15 minutes. And then this line of questioning followed:

 

Me: Do you want to be with me?

 

I have doubts on whether this will work but yes, I want to be with you

 

Me: What do you hope will happen?

 

That we will both be happier and that we will make this work out so we can be together.

 

Me: So despte all of your hesitations you want to see this work?

 

Yes. But I am not going to lie, I am feeling pessimistic but I hope this feeling will leave me in the upcoming future. I just need some time to myself to have these frustrations subside. I want this to wok.

 

Based on that I said, lets go ahead with everything we had discussed in the last two hours.

 

I understand your advice, believe me. And I am not going to lie I have been the girl that has pleaded in the past (with a past relationship). Not anymore though, too much respect.

 

But obviously from all of this it is clear how fragile we are and how confused he is. I mean, I have no other choice but to move-on. I suppose if we have any chance at all it's because we have left.

[friscodj]

Again, you display a lot of insight and wisdom!

 

This situation is really tough, the "confused loved one" syndrome...they say they love you but in the same breath say they "don't know"...I have been down this road too many times... I think confusion is one of the worst emotions to experience in a deep and loving relationship...

 

Yeah, you got it...move on...to do anything else will slowly tear you apart...