Ex reappeared, driving me crazy. Need opinions please

[at750gr]

Hi all,

 

I will try to keep this short, but please post your opinions as I am completely confused.

 

It has been now almost 18 months since I broke up with my ex. Over the last 14 of them she has constantly been in touch with me one way or the other. Either by MSN telling me she's well and happy, or by random e-mails that were sent to me "accidentally". We met once last May, when she came over and I told her I love her. She went on telling me that she can't ignore the signs, that she feels that we're meant to be together and she senses that I will be there when she's done with her "mistake". Although that encounter shook my whole world, I returned back to normal life.

 

Over the last 3 months, she started sending me messages again to meet up for coffee which I ignored and tired to keep NC. Finally, after the 7-8th time I gave in and agreed to meet. We had a quick coffee and I was rather cold and distant trying not to give out any information about myself. She told me that she's single again and very happy about it. After an hour I said I had to leave. A week later she sends another message to meet up for a drink. We did and this time it was lovely. Then a few days later I got the "Thank you so much darling, it was lovely" message. Not knowing how to interpret this, I decide to go all the way. The frequency of our meetings increased (so did the messages at random times) and every time it felt better. I found myself falling in love again. Every time she would say how fulfilled she feels after meeting up with me, how she appreciates our deep and meaningful conversations. I invited her for dinner at mine. She came over and again we had a trully great time together. She told me what happened with the other guy she was seeing and how he walked out on her leaving her devastated and how she realised she's been a fool. She kept saying she's trying to explain how mysteriously we are drawn to each other and started bringing up memories from the past. I've started sending her some sweet but subtle messages and she kept sending me back messages with double meanings. Yesterday was the last time I saw her, when she told me she managed to escape a work "do" and asked me to meet for coffee in a bookshop. We did and she was a bit more distant this time. After an hour she looked stressed and said she had to go. On our way out I bought her a book, wrote a little sweet note in it and gave it to her. She said a plain thank you, kiss on the cheek and left..

 

I apologise for the long post, but all this is constantly in my mind and I'd like to hear your opinions. I love her deeply and unconditionally. I cannot play the "friend" and I have told her that many times, but I don't think her behaviour shows that's what she wants either. And after meeting up with her again so many times, I feel I am in love with her again.

 

A riddle I cannot solve...

 

.

[hisgirl1828]

Have you told her how you felt??If you havent you should. If she doesnt change it would prolly be best for you to ignore her messages. You would be better off alone or with someone that truly appreciates you for who you are now, not who you were in past memories.

[at750gr]

I haven't told her this time.. no. I did say a few things that point out my feelings, but I tried to keep it quiet as it feels we're getting together for a reason. Everytime we meet there's this akwardness, she starts giggling and we have a good time, so I thought I'll leave it to see where it goes. I've made my feelings clear to her on a number of occasions in the past, so now that SHE initiated the contact, I'm just waiting to see where this goes.

 

Having said that though, I must admit I'm so tempted in telling her EVERYTHING, but I fear I might be like an avalanche and that might kill any tiny frangment of romanticism that may have survived between us.

 

Not to mention some really weird "coincidences" that have been happening between us, rendering this relationship rather fateful. But that's outside the scope of this post now..

[friscodj]

Someone's got to make a move here. This little dance that's going on needs to stop!

 

If it were me, I'd tell her everything. I mean, look at the history you guys have together! Ask her if she sees anything happening between you two. If she does, then tell her how you feel about her, but I would refrain from telling her you could never be "just friends" with her as this might bias her response. She might think, "I don't want to lose him then, so I'll get back together with him."

 

And let me ask you this, do you really think a relationship between you two could work out? Just because 2 people have mutual feelings and chemistry doesn't mean they are compatible. That's a hard lesson I've learned...

[Big Jim]

Did either of you two date anyone during this time, and are you both single now???

[ann123]

I agree with the suggestion that you lay it on the line. Seems to me that there are plenty of signals that she is interested in starting over. She may be playing it cool (making you jealous with her boyfriends and her 'happiness'), while perhaps as tortured as you are and praying that you'll make your move.

 

3 thoughts, however. First: you say that you broke up with her. If the reasons you did are still present, you may want to get out of this. 2nd: She may want to start over. She may want to "be friends". But a more cruel possibility strikes me: she may simply want you under her control, while seeing whomever she pleases. You may even be the back-up plan - god forbid.

 

Lastly, protect yourself! If you can't be friends, attempting to be may amount to self-torture.

[at750gr]

(...) but I would refrain from telling her you could never be "just friends" with her as this might bias her response. She might think, "I don't want to lose him then, so I'll get back together with him."

I think not. I have made it perfectly clear that I have extremely strong feelings for her. In fact, I have never felt like this in my life. As we both agreed in the past, if we ever decide to get back together it will probably be for good. Problem here is that we are both extremely stubborn characters and try to show that we can do without each other. (It's petty and rather childish, I know... hence my decision to come to a final result this time)

 

(...) First: you say that you broke up with her. If the reasons you did are still present, you may want to get out of this. 2nd: She may want to start over. She may want to "be friends". But a more cruel possibility strikes me: she may simply want you under her control, while seeing whomever she pleases. You may even be the back-up plan - god forbid.

I didn't put it correctly. Breaking up was a mutual decision, as we both went trough an extremely difficult time and decided to take a break to find out whether we can stay apart. Unfortunately, quite a few people jumped right in and made the whole thing a mess.

We both started seeing other people. I wasn't interested in something "serious", but she stayed with someone for a year, until he walked out on her. I knew this would happen, as I knew who he was and I even know some things that I never told her, because I felt she should find out herself.

Now, your 3rd point is exactly what I fear, hence my hesitation to talk to her openly. I want to be sure that I'm not her "rebound"; be sure that she's not just feeding on my feelings for her whilst she tries to heal her heart. Another thing that worries me is that since she was "dumped", she'll keep the other person in the back of her mind, regardless of the fact that he was just using her and he is a rather cruel person.

[at750gr]

Update:

 

Over the last few days things went rather "cold" again...

 

She texted me late Friday night to tell me to listen to a piece of music she's playing. I replied on Monday morning saying I listened to it and found it enjoyable. Then this morning I received a text asking me the meaning of a foreign word and I replied again in a dry way with just one word. It seems to me that this has reached a stage where the cards need to be thrown on the table...

 

She replied telling me that she thought there was a clever play on words with the meaning of that word.. so I said no and that the only clever play on words I see is between us two. 30 seconds later I receive a reply asking me if I think that this is the time to tell each other the truth, talk openly about everything and tell each other what happened and what has been said. I agreed and we said we'd meet tonight at my place (she even set the time).

 

3-4 hours later I received a message apologising and telling me that she's going away tomorrow and we have to do this next week. I said that it has to be done tonight, that she knows this is not a game and that she should make a step forward and stop hiding. She said she's not hiding and that she really goes away and since she knows our convo will last long, she doesn't have the time. At which point I replied "As you wish..."

 

It is clear to me now that this charade has to come to a close.. be it good or bad. I am not sure though how to handle the whole situation and control myself. I'm happy that we're about to open ourselves to each other, angry about the way she behaves making one step forward and one back, indifferent because I'm getting tired of all this and melancholic because I have cleared my mind, I know exactly what I want and I know I love her.

 

Not getting any easier now, is it?

[drum4god]

Dude,

 

I think you know what you have to do. I don't know it is wise to tell her all your feelings. She knows anyway. Here is what you need to do. Handle this like business. Be assertive with her. Tell her listen. I need to know what is going on. Do you want to be with me or not. If not, I have to move on. That is it. You don't need to tell all these feelings you have. Its not going to move her. She probalby knows. But if you show her you mean business, and that you are ready to move on, she will make a move.

Here is the thing though, you have to really be prepared to move on. She may tell you she doesn't want a relationship. Can you handle that. I just got back with my ex, and I pretty much made it known to her, that I am not afraid to move on, and that I can handle anything as long as I know where I stand. I know that affected her, and showed her I am strong. You have to come off that way. If not, even if she comes back to you, you give her power to play with you.

Again, you have to be assertive. Women love men are assertive. Don't act mushy. Don't tell her things like "I need you" I love you so much. I don't think that will work as much as you saying. "What's up", Are you with me, or not.

 

Just me 2 cents. Keep the change.

[at750gr]

@drum4god:

 

You are right. I do not plan to dramatise the situation. I plan to be straightforward and assertive as you say.

 

What complicates things a little bit is that when we broke up -way back then- a frightening number of people jumped in to take sides, tell lies and make things even worse. We were both quite popular people with a very wide circle of "friends" and acquaintances and we both discovered that many people were actually playing a dirty game behind our backs. I can still remember her coming back to me after being 6 weeks apart and telling me she couldn't stop thinking about me and that she loved me so much, yet a few days later she disappeared and ran away with someone else.. Who knows what lies have been thrown at us. So this is what NEEDS to be discussed, as we both have the wrong impression about what actually happened between us in the end.

 

Thus, my plan of action is: Hello. I'm glad we're doing this. I love you and I want you. We both see that regardless of what happened or what has been said, we enjoy being with each other. If you want this strong attraction to come to fruition tell me now, or else I have to move on for good as there's no point in playing this game anymore.

 

One way or the other, I believe I'll wake up the next day feeling relieved.

[ann123]

By George, I think you've got it. No bs, no dramatics, no games (finally).

 

Can I throw in one little caution? Be prepared to have to force yourself to stay focused and not get sidetracked. You may be imagining a very straight forward yes-or-no type response from her. But when you are in the actual situation, god knows how she'll respond. She may bring up a thousand different things, and it is SO easy to take your eye off the ball. If nothing else, you can refuse to follow her lead by simply repeating your original statement: tell me now if you want this to come to fruition...

 

My fingers are crossed for you!! Keep us posted!

[at750gr]

I will certainly do!

 

The next few days will feel like years since I have to wait for her to come back and meet up next week. I so much want a final resolution. I couldn't believe that I will feel like after 18 months apart and although my feelings for her never changed (nor will they), the fact that I feel so drawn to her after seeing her for a few times took me completely by surprise. I hope that our "meeting" will go well and I am sure I won't deviate from the key subject as I need to free myself from this enslavement, one way or another.

 

The only problem now is that I feel the urge to contact her, but I think I have to maintain NC until she comes back and decides to sit down and talk...

[at750gr]

UPDATE:

 

Whilst waiting to hear from her in order to arrange the meeting that will clear things up, (initiated by her) I had my birthday which I enjoyed very much and had lots of fun with friends etc. Of course I did not hear from her at all, although she knew very well that it was my birthday. The next day though, I received a rather annoying text from her: "Your friend XXXX was slagging me off, saying I stole you from her and she says she sees you all the time, so perhaps you'd like to set her straight. x"

 

Needless to say that I was not only annoyed but offended as well.. I don't think this is the kind of text you send to someone you claim you have feelings for, instead of even a plain "happy birthday".

 

So I replied.. saying that I'm not interested in such petty remarks and by the way that was a lovely birthday wish, thank you.x

 

Knowing her, this must have made her feel bad... but I just had to say that.

 

NC for the time being.. until she strikes again...

 

.

[at750gr]

UPDATE:

 

I made the "mistake" of breaking NC again... I thought that since she proposed to meet and clear everything up, I should just remind her that this game has lasted too long. So I sent a text saying that I think it's sad that we both have to go trough this theatre of mistrust and that we must unleash the truth. And asked her when are we meeting up. She replied to me saying "no chance.. my family takes precedence at the moment" and when I asked what happened she told that her grandpa is in 24hr care and apparently only has a few days left etc etc.. I said I'm sorry and wish for the best etc... Next day I texted to ask how he is, how she is and her family. No reply..

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems to me that she's using this excuse to avoid talking about something SHE initially proposed.. It's all too puzzling. Can't deal with this anymore. I'm tempted to sent a text to ask what's the situation since I was close to her family too, but I feel she's just playing with me...

 

So back to NC and this time for good I think...

[Pippa]

Whoa! Your situation sounds like a little like mine. My ex girlfriend split up with me. It was hard for me back then, but I m finding myself getting better/stronger each day.

 

The thing is why do exs play these little games. I ve asked my ex for a drink once and she was up for it and even replied by text saying she would come through to me as it was more fun. (I live in the city and she lives in a small town) On the day, she replied by text, that her friend had turned up unexpectedly at her house and was unable to come and see me!

 

The next meeting about a month later which was supposed to happen was initiated by her. She wanted to meet for a drink. Only for me to be let down the day before saying she had arranged to meet her friend for dinner and forgot to tell me!!

 

I m not sure why the ex does this. Maybe its a gentle way of letting you down so you get fed up and move on. I dont know.

 

Your ex maybe wants to know if she still has control over you. I m not so sure of the texting and then getting back a few days later. My ex ALWAYS text back on the same day. There has only been a couple of times where she had text back the following day. The thing is that my ex ALWAYS replies to me.

 

Imagine if you text your best friend to go out to the pub and he texts back 3 days later. How would that make you feel? I m sure you would think that would be rude. I m not so sure about this NC thing. Maybe your ex gets wound up by having to wait around for you to answer.

 

If you have been apart for 18 months and your feelings have not changed. Maybe she is probing to find out if you are available but you need to show you are interested and text or call back whenever she communicates with you. I mean dont show you are overly keen. Text her back maybe 30 minutes later and then narrow the time to 15 minutes and then to closer the more she texts or communicates with you.

 

I hope the best for you.

[ann123]

AAAARRRRGGGG!!!

 

This is just a suggestion, made by one who has tortured herself in the way that you are doing now - so it's not meant as judgmental in any way, OK?

 

How about asking yourself this: what are you getting out of this ongoing melodrama?

 

The stories in your head which may or may not have anything to do with reality; the arbitrary NC rules you make and break (undoubtedly beating yourself up each time you break them); the sarcastic birthday response (understandable, but taking the communication down a level or 2) which complicates things...

 

Are you sure you are not getting something out of all of this - excitment or something? Just another way of looking at it.

 

Good luck!

[at750gr]

Good point ann123.

 

What am I getting? Nothing.. except the little excitement bursts when we get in contact or meet.. And knowing that my feelings are so strong for her, I just can't let go. Somewhere inside me, something tells me to hold on.. The way I see it and judging by what she said and done so far, there are 2 possibilities:

 

(a) She is really confused, she likes being with me but doesn't know what to do. I understand that getting in a relationship when you enjoy your freedom is something that needs a lot of consideration. I feel the same.

 

(b) She is twisted, vindictive and genuinely evil. A lot of people could say this, but knowing her deep down inside, I don't think this is the case. Nevertheless, it is a possibility.

 

I am in no way feeling miserable, or sad.. I am enjoying myself at the moment and I'm actually having a lot of fun. But I need to clear this up.. for good.

 

And guess what.. I just found out I cannot receive texts from one specific network, so now I'm wondering if this is the case. And I'm so tempted to text her now.. arrrrrrgh!