Trying to explain my 'clinginess'...

[yumblefish]

I've been in a relationship for 8 months. I'm 25 and it's my first serious relationship. At the moment, I think I'm being too clingy and seriously need some advice on how to reprogramme my mind!

 

Basically, having never had a girlfriend for 25 years, and hardly having any girl 'friends' so to speak, I feel as though I've put women on a pedastool - as though finding someone would make everything right and 'complete' my life.

 

Eight months in, I'm beginning to realise that this is either wrong, or that I'm not with the right person. Either way, I'm having a really hard time dealing with it and accepting it. I was under the impression (due to my ballooning expectation levels) that as soon as I was in a relationship, everything else would pale into insignificance for both parties and that we would be the most important people in each others lives. This doesn't seem to be the case.

 

Basically I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I find it hard to accept that anything can be more important than a loving relationship. I'm beginning to realise that all this time I've waited for someone to 'complete' me, I've been neglecting myself. I expected a relationship to add more to my life than it has done and am now paying the price for this poor judgement.

 

I've got to the point where I am having trouble getting enjoyment out of anything other than the relationship. Friends, family, hobbies and work just don't seem as interesting and important, and I know that it's because I've waited so long to finally find someone whom I love and who loves me back, that I devoted too much to this part of my life.

 

I sometimes feel resentful that my gf has other things to do with her time other than be with me, and feel rejected when she cuts her time short with me. I find it difficult to comprehend how her friends and hobbies can be just as important to her as I am.

 

What are your thoughts? Do I have a point or should I find someone else who makes me as important in their life as I make my gf in mine?

 

It's very difficult to express how I feel, but I think I need some advice on how to get some balance back in my life and put me first.

 

How much emphasis do you put on YOUR relationships in comparison to your friends, family, work, hobbies etc? Is it the most important thing by far or equally important as anything else?

 

Thanks...

[InsertNameHere]

I swear you are in the same boat I am. I feel the exact way you do; feeling rejected when she has other things to do rather then spend her time with me. I have had several other relationships and it hasn't gotten any better. My only explanation is that you have to take solice in the fact that she is with you. You have to accept that she does have a life, and she can't spend all her time with you. And you should have a life too. You had one before her, and you shouldn't make her your life...

[serve_the_people]

I used to think the exact same way as you. I once thought that if I was in a romantic relationship, everything would be happy and that I would become complete. Nothing would matter except the girl....

 

Now I know that people can't make me happy. I choose to be happy today. I pursue my interests (ie. salsa dance, volunteering with Big Brothers, working on a crisis hotline, school, work, food.....) right now. I think you should also get a hobby other than your girlfriend...don't depend on her to make you happy. What did you use to like when you were young? Is there any volunteer work that you feel passionate about that maybe you could join?? Any social cause you like to contribute to ????

[Momene]

Just like the biggest, brightest stars burn with a lot of intensity but blow themselves up quickly, while the red dwarves can shine quietly for hundreds of billions of years, so are relationships. A relationship that is as all-consuming as your will (from your side) burn itself out. I'm guessing that your g/f has had relationships before and has learned how to keep a healthy balance. Your answer is in your question - it's your first real relationship. Try to arrange one night per week where you see friends or family and try to find some other interests. Look at your medium term career goals.

 

The independence/clinginess balance between 2 people is one of the hard things. My wife and I are on the clingy side of average, so we're OK but my ex-wife was more independent and that caused a lot of stress.

 

Long term, you may need to find someone else who's clingy but you need to understand whether it is really in your nature or you're just like this because it's your first time.

[Skippy]

"Clingy", i asked myself this exact question an hour ago and i came to this conclusion. I feel that the reason we are clingy is that we are looking for the other to forfill our need on what we define as love, and we are waiting and waiting trying ever to be patient to get that certain responce to indicate our importance in their lives. We basically want to see that they are sacrificing something to show us our significance to them. Which isnt going to happen and if it does it is only for ashort while.

Let me give you an example, If you think that love is about her giving you a cuddling for an hour at 3am in the morning you might get 15mins once but you are not going to get it the rest of the month. THe next time you get 5 mins at 1am... next time 3 mins at 10pm (just before bed time)... mean while you are waiting, hopeing clingying for the opportunity to occur again. You get stuck in that stupid rut of awaiting and waiting... eventually you are going to realise and blow up, only to realise that you have set yourself up but you blame her for not giving you what you want and that is .. your definition of love. I suppose what i am getting at is this, you are clingying because you are waiting to get something from her to prove her love for you, she gets the weird satisfaction that she has you waiting like a puppy. All she has to give iyou is a little bit and you are jumping round and doing tricks.

Her defininition of love is the fact that you are in bed with her at the end of the night. You have already met her requirement of love, what else does she need?? she doesnt have to want anything from you so she doesnt have to give anything to you.

 

Ask her to define what she needs in a relaitonship, ask yourself what you need in a relationship talk about it and compromise. Otherwise get the hell out, because you will be forever waiting for something she doesnt think is a definition of love so you aint going to get it

But that is my opinion..