Trapped (long)

[NeedHelp101]

This is going to be one of the weirdest topics I've ever written on here, yet I'm very serious about it. Yes, I am an avid poster on here, however I have created a new account quite honestly because I am too scared to use a regular identity to post this thread. Hopefully the mods won't say what my other account is, and if creating another account for this purpose is wrong, hopefully they will just delete it. I assure you I am not trolling.

 

Here's my situation. I am 18, a male and I am currently living on my own, going to university. I come from an asian family with fairly strict views on certain aspects (such as education), but yet a very loving one. I have been provided with tremendous opportunities, and I am actually very touched that my family has trusted me enough and deemed me responsible enough to live on my own in a far away city. I am very intelligent for my age, social, good looking, have been with females...seemingly a very good life.

 

However, I am very very embarrassed to say that I have failed tremendously. Near the beginning of the term, I began missing classes for completely retarded reasons. Laziness, girls, poker, you name it, I found an excuse to not go to class. On top of that, I missed a couple tests, and due to my own stupidity, I have flunked out of university here. And no one knows. Not one family member or friend knows. I don't know how I let this happen, or what is/was going through my head, but I have no motivation to go to school.....and I feel like a complete and utter failure. My parents have given me everything, and all they wanted me to do was to do well in school (which i very well could have done), but I couldn't even do that. And I've been lying to them as well. How can I ever tell them that the only thing they wanted me to do, I couldn't do...it would crush them, not to mention the stigma attached to my name would never go away in my family.

 

I don't even know if I"m conveying the severity of the issue, and I'm actually VERY ashamed that my only problem in life is that I have * * * *ed up one year of school. I have read these boards, and I see people with FAR graver problems than myself, FAR worse lifes, and I am truly sorry that I am even putting my post in the same category, its almost offensive to others. However, I am quite honestly thinking about suicide. Anyone reading this may not believe me, and may think I am overreacting, but this thread is the culmination of months of thinking and rationalization in my head. I am not overly emotional, I am not freaking out...I am rationally thinking, and suicide simply is the only answer I can come up with. I'm very seriously thinking about it, and that scares me alot. I do not know what to do. I don't see how I could ever ever ever go back home and tell my family what I have done here. I honestly do think that suicide would be FAR easier, and all I think about now a days is how I will kill myself once the exam season is over. Its starting to get worse and worse...and I don't know what to do, I feel very very trapped.

 

I don't know if anyone will read that, and I don't know the point of posting this in actuality. I just feel like I have no where else to go, and these boards have always helped me. Hopefully no one lectures me on what I've already done, though I'm sure someone will. ANY posts, pms, or comments that can somehow help me would be a huge help. I can see how trivial my situation seems, and yet, all I can think about is suicide, and I don't know what to do.

[Bethany]

The way out of this AND these thoughts of suicide is to face your problems and deal with them.

As you can tell, hiding from them and pretending they don't exist by burying your head in the sand does not work. It makes you feel like you do now. You have a guilty secret and it's eating you up so you must face up to the problems and confess.

 

You will feel relief when you own up and confess, and even if your parents do go ballistic, it's just because they care and worry for your future, Is that such a bad thing? Maybe you feel like it's deserved and maybe it is inside your mind, but running away from facing up to your problems isn't working, why not tell the truth?

Ok so you messed up, you failed. But you can turn this around by doing the thing you feel deep inside you to be the right thing. Nothing is so bad that you can't get out of it. Nothing.Maybe look for a job instead or try the first year again?. There is always a different way out than suicide. This is YOUR life and it will be what you make it.

[Moon Goddess]

You say your parents would be devastated if you tell them you failed, just imagine how they would feel if you suicided, losing a child is nothing easy to do they will feel guilty, confused, just terrible.

 

It's a loving family so just sit them down and tell them calmly that you are very sorry but you made a mistake in life (your only human) and that you fell out of uni, but that you are willing to try again (fall down and get back up)there is always a tomorrow and there is always a second chance..Most important are you going to uni for yourself or for your parents. You should do what makes you happy. You can either try again at another college or get a job then go back. Suicide is really not the answer to any problem, you matter alot to your parents and they just want to see you happy not gone. So please don't consider suicice consider all the other options you have.

 

P.S. Don't think you don't deserve help on these forums, and that your reason to think these thoughts are not valid. Anyone who thinks of suicide has a good reason. Someone that I admire alot and love once told me " To someone else your problems may seem small, but to you they can mean alot, no problem is small"(My bf told me that when I felt the same way, thinking about suicide and thinking my problems were so insignificabt next to people who are alot worse than me. Hope it helps it did to me) No problem is small or else it wouldn't be a problem. You deserve help and your problems matter never hesitate to say what's troubleling you.

[Scotcha]

First of all you need to talk to someone about this, someone who is qualified to help you work through these feelings and get past them.

 

And you're not a failure. You failed a few classes that's all. It's acutally pretty common. Many people, myself included, aren't ready to go to college straight out of high school. I took a year off before I started college and I still wasn't ready. It wasn't until I was 22 that I could actually focus on my classes and start doing a good job.

 

I understand to a very small degree how coming from an asian family can add pressure to do well in school. It might be best to tell them what is going on in your life. I'm sure they will be dissappointed but even that does not make you a failure. What your parents really want is whats best for you and I'm sure they will help you through this.

 

Do you want to go straight into the work force? Do you want to persue a degree at a later time? Perhaps you could enroll only in a class or two at a local college to help you get into the swing of things. You have so many options and so many oppertunities, don't forget that.

[MetalGuitar]

I think I understand what you're saying. You know, this might be the biggest problem that you have personally faced yourself, and it seems so big because it is the most severe. I know that I thought that about my miniscule problems.

 

But hey bro, we're here for you, so hold your head up and do the honorable thing. Go tell your parents, talk to them, and if they're upset, well that's a good thing because it wouldn't affect them had they not cared for you.

 

I know this seems huge, but you CAN get through this. We all make mistakes, and we all get lazy from time to time, just hop back on the band wagon. It'll only get better my friend. Please stay strong and talk to someone about this.

 

Persevere.

[Dako]

If you decide to stay, life will go on. You'll have more empathy for others, more motivation to succeed and you'll find a different path, or most likely regain your footing on this one.

I dropped out of school to dig ditches for minimum pay. It took me somewhere. Not everyone has a perfectly planned and executed existence, with everything all tidy and safe.

You're experiencing real life, and I'd recommend trying it on for size. You might enjoy it. You'll grow, learn and prosper your own way after you get past his crisis.

 

I'll bet you've built your education into the core of your life and now it's shattered. Even if you never attend another class, education won't stop. Stick around.

[becallamjr]

Be a man. You are a man aren't you? Man up and face your parents. Tell them what you have done. I'm half asian, I know all about the expectations from my psychotic korean mother, I feel you on the laziness and not getting what you need to done. No offense but suicide in this perspective is a cop out. Straight up, face your problems and be a MAN about it. What's the worst that could happen, they get mad and yell at you? You have to take some heat for a little while? School will always be there. You failed? so * * * *ing what! Life is all about failures and accomplishments. If you never fail at anything, you haven't experienced life. Do what you want, but I think you need to grow a pair and MAN UP! Don't forget bro, your parents do love you and they would be far more disappointed in you if you threw your life away over one little period of failure in your life.

[NeedHelp101]

just wanted to say that I read all your replies and really do appreciate them all