6 weeks later still confused and hurt

[Torchbearer]

I recently had a relationship end after 6 months, very abruptly. This is the first Long term relationship I've been in in over 2 years. The girl I had been seeing seemed extremely happy to be with me and had basically suggested that we stay together. Neither of us had moved in with the other but we were basically together every day and every night.

 

For months before she always talked about how happy she was that we met and how she hoped I was happy with her. Sometimes she would even question my happiness and dedication to the relationship but I gave her no reason to. Each time I assured her that I was mutually happy with her.

 

Things were going great then all of a sudden she wanted to stop sleeping together citing her restlessness and inability to sleep well with me in the bed (after she said that me being there had actually helped her sleep). The sex stopped shortly thereafter. Things got progressively worse and during the seldom times we were together there was very little conversation and she was using one word answers to the things I used to say that could get us talking/laughing for hours.

 

I would have thought there was someone else in her life but with her I really don't think that's the case. Because she used to always tell me if I had wanted to go out with other women to simply let her know and not embarrass her. I questioned her insecurity, assured her I would if that ever happened, assured her I was happy and then in turn told her to do the same if she ever wanted to see someone else.

 

Well six weeks ago and after a couple days of not talking to her I called her and asked her what was wrong. At first she said it was nothing and that her change in work and school schedule had really stressed her out, and then she cited depression. After more probing I finally got her to admit that something wasn't right. She told me that she thought something was missing in our relationthip and she couldn't pinpoint what it was. She told me that our communication had gone downhill and that I too wasn't myself. The reason I had been more reserved around her was a direct result of her coldness towards me. Basically I told her that if she wasn't happy then we didn't need to see each other. I told her I was unhappy with the way things had become and she said she didn't know if this was something that would pass or if she was feeling like this towards me now for good. I told her I was going to step back and give her some space. She asked "are we breaking up or...." to which I repsonded that it was her decision, that I cared for her and was here for her but couldn't continue to live in limbo. We mutually agreed to end it with her asking me to be her friend. When we said goodbye she told me to call her if I wanted to go do something.

 

I didn't want us to break up but I felt I had to give her space to 1) show her that I was strong enough to let her go if she wasn't happy 2) that I didn't appreciate the 2nd class treatment I'd been getting for 2 weeks.

 

Since then we've had casual contact via txts and a couple of calls. Then a couple of weeks ago I called her, talked and set up a time for us to get together. We hung out one afternoon for several hours, kept it very light and did not mention "us". I guess the reason I wanted to see her was that I missed the heck out of her and wanted to see how we would react around each other. She wasn't quite as cold as I thought she might have been but she didn't exactly warm up to me either. She did tell me she was glad we "did this".

 

She still seems confused with her work and social situation. I tell you it was very difficult trying to act the part of this aloof "friend" who had totally moved on but that's the vibe I tried to give her and part of it I'm sure was my protection mechanism.

 

The way I see it I can do one of three things

1) NC and never return dialogue from her- I'm sure this will be the overwhelming favorite among most here.

2) Continue to do the friend thing because I do care about her and want to be there for her

3) Get with her and see if she will open up, have the talk and see if there's any hope where I can either start working towards patching things or getting complete closure

 

A female perspective would be great. Does it sound like she cares for me at all? If not then how in the hell can someone turn off feelings like that?

 

TB

[GottaLetItBurn]

The second the sex stops, dump her, and then NC. Simple, but hard to do with the emotional attatchment I know. You shouldn't have to waste your time on a girl that puts RESTRICTIONS on your relationship. The choice is up to you though, I'm just giving the best advice I can give you.

 

If you can't talk out the problems and settle them right away then it's not a good relationship. You got to look at it, like if it's a girl that you would marry then should there be any problems where she or you can't sleep with each other? If there are problems like this, then you should just hold onto her for sex, if that gets cut of then you need to dump her.

 

Good luck with your situation.

[Torchbearer]

Not sure what you mean by "dump her", we haven't been together in over a month. Our relationship was never centered around sex so I didn't mean to make it sound that way. Every couple has their periods of limited to no sex and we were no exception.

 

Bottom line is my feelings for her are still strong and I'm not convinced that her's for me are gone.

[brassplum30]

Sorry to hear you're going trough this.

 

You may not be convinced her feelings are gone (they won't be, you were together a while), but her residual feelings are definitely not leaning towards getting back with you.

 

I pulled this bullsh*t on an ex a few years back- my retreating from sex was a way to detach from the situation or have him dump me, rather than deal with my problems. I was an immature idiot. Not becuase I wanted to go back, but because I didn't have the decency to explain, and my guilt made me act badly (no worries, karma caught up with me, trust me). do you want to be with someone who just up and dumps you out of the blue w/o care to you? She sounds as immature as I was (a LONG time ago. Now I'm a catch! ) Anyway, sounds to me like she was having problems that had nothing to do with you necessarily, but she doesn't want to go back to you. If she's not mature enough to at least try to explain her position (horrid that she just cut you off w/o explanation), then i would certainly suggest a true NC break. You are clearly more into trying than she is. Maybe if you sent her a final msg saying that she ended it badly and if shes willing to explain properly for your sake then great, but if not then thats fine, too. Either way, don't go back. Give her time to grow up. You sound like a solid guy. Good luck!

[Spawn]

Bottom line is my feelings for her are still strong and I'm not convinced that her's for me are gone.

 

Believe me the feelings never go away so soon, if she had a change of mind then it was happenning from some time back.

 

She told me that she thought something was missing in our relationthip and she couldn't pinpoint what it was. She told me that our communication had gone downhill and that I too wasn't myself.

 

I think you should do NC, a break of some sorts would probably make her think about it. I think she has some issues to sort out and only she can do it.

[Torchbearer]

I think she definitely has insecurity issues too and I've done a really good job of not contacting her on a consistent basis. And when I have contacted her she's seemed eager to hear from me, almost like she's waiting.

 

Case in point; she had sent me a text to which I waited 7 hours to respond. Her response was that minute. When we did get together for coffee I didn't ask her to get together again and didn't leave her with any certain idea of when we may get together again. Two days after that she sends me a text thanking me for dropping her off.

 

I agree that I have to give her the gift of missing me but she's the stubborn type who would probably let her feelings go by the wayside and be embarrassed to call me. She's a hard one to read but really opened up to me in the relationship.

 

I think this is coming to a head though. I need some closure if I can't have her back. I'm crying just typing this. I miss her so badly.