i want to feel happy again. (long, sorry.)

[colbysweet]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 7 months now.

 

My problem is that for the last month or so I have been feeling quite depressed. I find myself analysing every little aspect of our relationship and suspecting something is wrong, when it isn’t.

 

When I am with him I feel very happy, but without him I feel terrible. I am feeling so dependant/attached on him. I have no doubt that he loves me, but he takes the relationship a lot less seriously than I do. (He is the smart one, as I am only 19, he is 21 – both being our first relationships…so we really do not need to be taking this too seriously anyhow) But I can’t help it. I can’t stop thinking about him and our relationship. Analysing everything.

 

Even my college is suffering. He also does the same course as me, so I find myself skipping classes so I can see him.

 

He doesn’t really call me that much, unless I ask him to or he is returning my calls. Neither does he sms me much anymore. But this is just him. I have now realised I have to accept it as part of him, as he really doesn’t like talking on the phone for very long.

 

He also won’t organise hanging out much. It’s always me who has to ask when I’ll next be seeing him. This makes me feel demanding, and if I didn’t organise, we would hardly see each other. But in saying all of this, when we see each other he is happy to see me and enjoys himself. It’s not like it’s a chore or anything.

 

Also…..for the last few nights I have been having dreams about him, and I wake up feeling sad… because I can’t get him out of my head. I just want to feel happy without him also.

 

The reason I feel so upset is I can’t handle feeling so dependant on someone. It makes me really insecure, and makes me wonder how on earth I would be if he broke up with me. Plus, him not calling or not organising anything with me, becomes a major problem, whereas before when I was happy, it wasn’t the end of the world, and I didn’t feel like I was being demanding.

 

I really want this to stop, as I don’t want to keep bringing up all these minor problems with him. He doesn’t like talking about them, because he doesn’t consider them problems. (After I say them, I also realise they hardly are problems too) It makes me look negative and whingy, and I don’t want to look like I am trying to suffocate him also.

 

I just want things to be normal again, where I can be happy with him, and also happy without him. Because I know that it will help our relationship a lot. I want to be able to go out with my friends and enjoy myself if he’s not there.

 

In the last month I have brought up more about our relationship than I have in the entire 6 months, and all of it has been pretty unnecessary, and I don’t think that projects me as the person I want to be seen as.

 

I just can’t help it when I get so upset and I think about things so much, I feel I have to tell him. But it never comes out right, and I feel guilty afterwards.

 

I don’t know if it’s depression that’s causing me to latch onto him because he is something that makes me happy – or if it’s me feeling dependant that is making me depressed?

 

Any advice would be appreciated. This is driving me insane, and I’m so scared if I keep carrying on like this I will ruin a good thing.

 

Sorry this was so long.

[dreamer3]

I know how it feels to latch on to someone and to be latched on to. First let's talk it from his perspective. There is no point in him calling you or trying to do things with you if he knows that you just going to do it anyway. He's not going to go out of his way to call you if he knows your going to call him. I definitely thing that in the least melodramatic way possible that you should try to talk to him and find out what he wants from a relationship and what you want, because it might be two different things. If he's one of those guys that doesn't really want to talk or worry about anything serious, you can play his game, stop calling him for a couple of days, son't act mad or bothered just do your own thing, hang out with the girls, or be by yourself, she what he does and where his head's at. If he calls you and says: "I haven't spoken to you in a couple of days." Then tell him in the nicest, maybe even in a jokingly way that the phone works two ways. I'm not saying play games, but don't smother him, you'll lose him. Try to spend more time thinking about why you are dependent, what's going on with you, just a thought. Never let you schoolwork suffer as a result, do everything that you need to do for school if not for yourself or your future, for how much it's costing. Guys have feelings and they like expressing but they don't want to have to constantly remind you of who you are. I hope my advice helped you in someway, and if you don't like or agree with the things that I'm saying don't worry, I'm not a doctor, I don't know what I'm talking about, it's just my opinion. From my personal experiences, distance yourself from the guy a little bit, don't avoid him, see what he'll do. Good luck!!!!!

[doblersdream]

Hi

 

I understand exactly how you feel. In my opinion, the balance of control in this relationship has shifted too far in your bf's favour, leaving you insecure, paranoid, and probably deep down, a little a little angry at yourself for allowing this to happen. The reason for it happening i think has more to do with how different you are as people, and how you approach relationships. I won't lie to you - it is going to be hard for you to break this cycle and re-gain an equal level of control in the relationship, but for the relationship to succeed, and for your own happiness, you need to.

 

How you do it is easy in theory. You're going to have to not appear vulnerable or show that you need him and his attention. Let him call you. This is going to be tough for you, but you need to be strong. The strength you gain from this exercise will help you greatly in the future. Make yourself a little unavailable - be a challenge!

[crookster_man]

colbysweet, thank you for coming to us with your problem. I like both the above posts. However I have to disagree, the problem here is not about control or the abuse of power. This problem has very little to do with your BF and everything to do with you.

 

I'll be frank with you, it sounds like your suffering from the "good time blues" you are happy with how things are going so you are afraid of them ending. If this is the case, it means you are living in the future. All good things come to an end or at least change. You cannot fear it; you must embrace it or forever cower in fear...

 

That being said I believe the root of your problem is a lack of self-esteem It appears that you have been so completely wrapped up in this relationship that if it does fail you fell that you will have failed. When in fact every relationship should be a growing, learning experience, regardless of the outcome.

 

By creating drama in your relationship you constantly seek acceptance from your BF. You continually challenge his love for you. You are saying "If you love me you will help me through this problem and this one… If you don't then it was all a lie, I am no good..." However what you don't realise is that this constant demand for affection is draining your BF eventually he will get to the point where he cannot handle your need for love and will break up with you. Thus you will have fulfilled your own worst fear. "See I was always right he didn't love me, it wasn't worth it." When in fact it was your actions, which created the situation for the downfall of the relationship.

 

Does any of this sound familiar? Even if it is not as sever as I'm putting it, lack of confidence is still a bad thing. Now you must be asking "how do I remedy the situation?" Well the good news is there is still hope. The first thing you have to do is STOP relying on your BF. He is your crutch, stop using it. You don't have to break it off with him, but you have to focus on doing this for yourself, by your self. Start new activities and join a club WITHOUT him. You will gain a sense of independence and self worth from these new groups. This will help strengthen your confidence and in turn your relationship. You might also want to speak to a counsellor about building up your confidence.

 

Chances are people in the past put you down in the past. Which has resulted in your damaged ego. Now it's your chance to learn to stand up on your own two feet. Think about the positive. "How can I improve?" Think about your strengths, things not tied to your BF or any other crutch (friends, family). Find your inner strength, trust me you have the power, and it will amaze you once you discover it. Good luck I hope this helps, and we will be here to keep you on the right path.

 

Don't be afraid to ask for help, it takes great inner strength to realise that you have a problem and wish to face it.

[colbysweet]

Thanks for all the replies, they all helped a lot.

 

 

Crookster man, thanks a lot for your reply especially.

What you said, basically summed everything up. It stated exactly what I have been doing, and I am glad that I now know.

 

I am going to try extra hard to relax a little with the relationship, and if I do get unnecessarily anxious, talk to my friends about it rather than him.

 

I just hope that it is not too late. Afterall, you can't change what is already done. But I am pretty sure it's not at the point where it has damaged our relationship or anything, so it should be okay.

 

Thanks a lot.