My partner is paranoid and posessive...help...

[The Hanged Man]

Hi, I'm a newbie here and I would very much appreciate some advice or suggestions on how to deal with my paranoid and clingy partner.

 

Here's my story:

Ok, this is my first same sex relationship and I've been in it for approx. 9 months. I made friends with this guy who had only just moved to my city from interstate. He didn't really know anyone else so he asked me to rent out his spare room to save us both the large cost of living alone. We were sleeping together occasionally and then before I knew it he started referring to us as an item...stupid me didn't say anything as I'm a 'nice guy' and didn't want to hurt his feelings.

 

But what is really affecting me is that he is isolating me from my friends. He never verbally says I can't see my friends, he uses more psychological techniques, like making me feel guilty for having a life outside of him. He goes weird if I get phone calls and visits from my friends, and tries to find out who it is and wants to know WHY they're ringing me...If I say I'm going to visit or hang out with a friend he goes quiet and won't talk to me and says stuff like 'you don't love me' etc. He often won't talk to me for ages if I meet up with a friend and he accuses me of cheating and having other b/friends. I have asked him why he feels suspicious of me and he claims that 'he doesn't have any problems with me hanging around with friends'.

 

I feel so trapped and it's gotten so bad that I think I 'hate' him, I really do, but I just cannot hurt him. I was tricked into a relationship I didn't want and now being isolated from those I care about. I have absolutely no sexual desire anymore and I cannot stand being touched by him, I am repulsed at him and myself for not realising what was happening earlier. It sucks being a nice guy as people just tread all over me.

 

So if anyone can issue any advice, or if you've been in the same situation please write to me and give me some tips on how to stop it. I want to move out but at the moment I have nowhere to go.

 

Thanks

[Hope75]

This is definitely a difficult decision because you are living with him but I think you know how unhealthy this is and that you need to break it off. Be honest with him and tell him that it's not working for you and that you are sorry to hurt him but you need to do what's best for you and that is to end it.

 

You mentioned that this is more your city than his-- surely you have friends that you could stay with temporarily while you look for a way out of your lease and another place to live. Often you can sublet your room on a lease until it's expired- so check with your landlord re: the particulars of your agreement- or if it's a tenant at will agreement you usually only need give 30-60 days notice to leave.

 

On the flip side- you could also ask him to find another place to live. Since he doesn't really know anyone in your area this might be harder for him, but he can check your local papers for roommate adds and see what's out there. You can be reasonable and give him a few months to straighten it out, and in the meantime stay with friends if you think he'll be unbearable to live with as a room mate until then.

 

Good luck!

[Bethany]

I don't really know what to say but.. I think you need to get out of there. I would start looking for a new place to live if I were you. As for not hurting him, I think the sooner you do it the better. You cannot live a lie any longer and your resentment is building up into hate as you said.

I don't honestly think a man like that can or will change and you need to escape before he makes you even more miserable. Good Luck.

[Iceman26]

Sounds stifling. Start your search to move into another place, and then all should fall into place and this issue will hopefully go away.

[Prufrock06]

I feel so trapped and it's gotten so bad that I think I 'hate' him, I really do, but I just cannot hurt him. I was tricked into a relationship I didn't want and now being isolated from those I care about. I have absolutely no sexual desire anymore and I cannot stand being touched by him, I am repulsed at him and myself for not realising what was happening earlier. It sucks being a nice guy as people just tread all over me.

 

Hanged Man,

 

This nugget right here says all I need to know: you need to get out of this destructive (and self-destructive) relationship FAST! If you feel like you hate him, you don't want to sleep with him, you want to hang around your friends but can't because of him, then clearly your situation is not something that's going to be worth living in for much longer. So I'm in line with the others in suggesting that you need to find a way to move out of the situation (literally and figuratively) as soon as possible, if only for your own sense of well-being. At the same time, I think a heart-to-heart with your boyfriend is in order, just so that he understands why you want out of the relationship.

 

I can sympathize with the "nice guy syndrome" as I used to be like that myself. But from someone who manages to get outside of that trap every now and then, let me tell you that it's important to realize that if you don't want to be in the relationship, then you don't have to be in the relationship. You're not breaking any moral or ethical compact by breaking up if you find the relationship to be unhealthy (which, from your post, it strikes me as being).

 

Hope this helps!

[The Hanged Man]

Hi, thanks lots for your answers, I guess it's 100% clear what I need to do. In the past few days since posting this, I have been figuring out and devising ways to leave with minimum impact to the both of us. However I am expecting a huge drama show from him when I tell him I'm going, as he is that type of person. I've been reading some really great posts on this site on relationship break up tips etc which is really handy!

 

I now have somewhere to stay when I leave which will make it a lot easier.

 

Cheers,

[Hope75]

I'm glad to hear you have a place to stay- so keep us updated on how it goes when you break the news to him!

[FoxLocke]

I second that! I just read the entire thread and I agree with all of the advice dissimenated.

It is best for you to leave this guy in your tracks. If you hate the person that you're with then that's a recipe for disaster.

 

Good luck to you!

[Tigris]

I agree with the others, I'm pleased you're leaving and have somewhere to go.

 

Good luck