Is it worth losing a best friend over?

[thepinkshoe]

Hi,

 

I'm really torn about what to do here. I've been bf's with someone for about 10 years and we've never had any problems. During these years I never dated anybody seriously. About a year and a half ago I started dating my boyfriend and our relationship became somewhat weird... like she never wanted to meet him and there was an uncomfortableness whenever I'd bring him up. It was like pulling teeth to even get her to meet him just once. It took about 4 months to get her to meet him. She's had no problem meeting our other friends' boyfriends, just mine.

 

About 6 months ago the boyfriend and I hit a rough patch and I confided in her about some problems we were having. We've since resolved these issues and are happier then ever but now, of course, she uses these reasons as an excuse for never wanting to see him. She accuses me of "using her" to help myself through a difficult time... even though I have done the same thing for her with problems she's had.

 

I confronted her with what's being going on in December and she decided not to return my phone calls or talk to me (we used to talk at least once a week). I finally convinced her to phone me last week over e-mail, but I don't think she was going to ever call me back.

 

One of the things she said about not liking him was, and I'm not making this up, because he would say stuff to her like "did you know xxx's car was broken into". She thought it was dumb for him to say stuff like that b/c of course, she knew these details about my life already. I told her he was simply making conversation... me being the only thing they had in common. That should give some insight into the petiness I'm dealing with here.

 

Why is my friend over-reacting and acting this way? Should I bother pursuing this friendship? It's been 10 years and it's hard to let go.

 

We definitely didn't see eye to eye over the phone b/c I think she's being totally unreasonable and she always has to be right... sigh.

 

Thanks. Any questions? I know I've written a lot here.

[Alabama]

Does she have any reason for disliking your boyfriend? It sounds like you two have been friends for a long time, and I say don't let it end here! Talk to your friend & make sure she listens! It's important to communicate and figure out what is going on. Good luck.

[renaissancewoman101]

If you have been friends for a long time, maybe she is jealous that you found a boyfriend and that is her way of showing it, because she thinks she means less to you now than before. I have a friend who is like that. She constantly talks about finding a bf and her lack of a relationship in her life. We used to commiserate about that, then about two years ago when I was dating my ex, my friend got jealous about it and wanted me to spend time with her when I had plans with the ex.

 

Friends do get jealous sometimes and friends dont like it when they feel like all you ever turn to them is when you have boyfriend troubles.

[thepinkshoe]

I think what I'm wondering is if it's worth it to continue being a friend to a person who would treat me this way. I believe she's over reacted and also am quite hurt that she wouldn't even talk to me. After 10 years, I think I deserve better. I didn't sleep with her boyfriend or spread rumours about her... you know, something REALLY bad that would warrant the kind of way she's treated me.

 

When do you let go of friendship? When is it just too much?

[LuvstuffNStuff]

it sounds to me like she has the issue, she is the one choosing to not get to know this guy, thinking that maybe if she dont have to deal with him, she dont have to share you with him........its tough when your friend dont give your boyfriend the chance he deserves, I would go about your life and be happy with what makes you happy.....And as far as her saying that you used her to get thru a hard moment in your life?? um thats what friends do, they are there for the best of times and they are their for the worst of times, and they accept whatever it is that makes you happy, regardless of what they feel.....I would let her go, and hopefully she will see what kind of a fool she is acting, or someone who is on the outside of the situation, will see what she is doing and point out how silly she is being.....good luck

[tyler711]

Yes, it is definitely worth sacrificing a best friend for. If you have the right relationship, it will manifest into something so much better. Your partner will become your new best friend.

[thepinkshoe]

Thanks for all the replies, keep em coming if people have more to say. I still don't know what to do but I have a lot to think about. I wish none of this had happened, that she would like my boyfriend (who is the nicest person) and that everything was great, but I guess this is one of the harder lessons in life.

[Bambi]

NO it is NOT worth losing a best friend over! You know that saying, boyfriends are good but best friends are forever? I agree with that. Who knows maybe one day you might break up with your boyfriend (Maybe) and than what? You'll be without a boyfriend and a best friend. That's somewhat depressing. And just having your guy as a best friend if things get serious won't be too good, everyone needs a friend outside the relationship to keep their life going. You'll be much happier because after all, who doesn't want more loved ones by their side?

 

I suggest trying to get the friendship going once more. Meet her in person, sit her down and discuss this. Tell her how it makes you feel and try to get her to open up. Let her know that just because you're currently involved with someone this won't change your relationship, because you're best friends! Best friends should stick together at all times! If she doesn't come around during this talk...well you tried. But there's nothing worse than letting a friend go without attempting to patch things up. ^^ Good luck.

 

Oh and also, don't try to make her like your boyfriend. Just don't. Just concentrate on HER and keeping her as a friend. Maybe sometime she will come around to accepting that maybe he is a decent person. But you can't force people to feel a certain way so trying to convince her to like him may upset her a bit.

:splat:

[justpaisley]

It depends very much on what it was you confided in her about - what the rough patch was over. If it was something minor, then she is overreacting. If he beat you up or cheated on you or something equally heinous, I'd say she's got every right to get angry with you for being with him.

 

How long has she known your boyfriend? Does she know something about him that you don't?

 

If it's none of those things, she could just be afraid of losing you, or jealous if you haven't spent a whole lot of time with her. A boyfriend is not worth losing a best friend over. Then again, a best friend is not worth losing someone you potentially want to spend the rest of your life with. It all boils down to which relationship is the more mutually valuable one.