im 21 shes 29...trying to work it out

[SoFLA_Rob]

well lets start with her life.lets call her "shannon", shes 29 and beautiful, she works as a ultrasound tech and she is getting out of a marriage where she has been with the guy for a total of seven years and two years married but the are now separated and going through divorce. i met her two months after the separation period when her husband left her to live with these two other girls. one of the girls works with her "technically until offically divorced" husband and she believes they were having relations while shannon and her husband were together. after being totally heart broken and histarical about all this for about 2 months she met me. she says she would not have known what she would have done without me and that i helped her through this hard period of time in her life and she enternally thanks me. im 22 and at the time i wasnt quite ready to settle down but i made an effort.

 

i met her in late september '05, we really hit it off the first night, laughing and flirting the whole nine yards. by the next week i invited her over to my house and i rushed her into things way too quick and i ended up pressuring her into having sex with me (big regret) at the time i didnt really want a relationship with her but i grew into it about a week later and decided to date her. we never really got into the whole dating thing, we just basically went into a full blown relationship. i started living at her house about 2 weeks after we started dating. we dated until the beginning of february '06. during that dating period we had a great sex life and we shared some great memories. during the relationship i totally had the upper hand and i even threatened to break up with her a couple of times during it and this made her cry, which obviously showed she was more in love with me than i was with her. but i did make some mistakes... just about every single dinner or movie we went to she had to pay for her half (because i didnt make that much money and i have a lot of bills but just recently i got a big raise from my employer right after her and i broke up)and this according to her made her feel that she wasnt special and it made her feel like she was just a friend that i was hanging out with. now that i look back, yea i can see how it bothered her but at the same time i didnt have the money for it back then.

 

also i was still talking to some of my ex's because part of me still wasnt ready to settle down with her but at the same time i did love her. this made her very jealous. i talked to my ex's to still be friends with them and there was no cheating going on. she always asked why they were calling and i told her that i didnt call them that much at all and they called me most of the time. but one day by a huge coincidence, i called about 3 or four of them that day and she went through my phone and saw. we had a huge agruement about this and not to mention this same thing happened with her "ex" husand that left her for that girl he worked with. so this played a huge factor in her not trusting me. that was towards the end of the relationship. then more towards the end i started to not pay her that much attention and started to kind of back talk her and not treating her the best. (also i started college which she has already done and completed and makes her feel like we are in different stages in each others lives). then one day she said im not that happy with us right now. so me being a jerk i said ok lets break up then, and at that point i felt it was mutal and that i felt that we should really do it. so we did, we broke up. for that next week everything was good we were keeping in touch and still seeing each other. then i really started to miss her and wanted her back, but by then it was too late, i asked for her back and she said no. she said she just wants to be single now after all this crap shes been through and that she needs to finalize her divorce and she needs space and has to have fun with her friends. we still continued to see each other and have sex up until about feb 24 the day before her b-day. she went out with her friends and so did i. unfortunately we saw each other and i was kinda drunk and her friend called me over to say hi. by then i was full of emotions and shannon and i started talking and i started to argue with her about why she doesnt want to be with me and that i wanted her back she was getting very frustrated and started to yell at me. long story short, it was a bad night and this made a huge scar on my chances of getting back with her. the next day was her b-day party and unfortunately i wasnt invited, she said that she still loves me but just needs a girls night out and she doesnt want any drama and that i shouldnt wait around for her anymore. i also tried to make up for all the movies and dinners she paid for by buying her a very expensive braclet for her b-day, which she loved. then the very next week her friend came down from daytona and they all went out. same with my friends and i unfortunately again we ended up going to the same place. and by this point in time i thought it was best to start moving on because she basically told me to earlier. so i was out talking to other girls and dancing with other girls but all i really wanted was her, doing this made me feel worse because i wanted her more than any other girl. then i saw her but she didnt see me. then her whole group saw me and i knew they were all looking so i decided (being drunk) to make her jealous, i picked up a couple of girls and started buying them drinks and i was laughing and hugging them. this of course was hurting more than making her want me more as i found out later. so later i saw some of her friends standing at the bar so i joined them and then shannon came over. the the same thing that happened the weekend before happened again i argued with her why we werent together, this pushed her away again. now to the next night. we unfortunately met up again at another bar location in town (sigh) i stayed away from her that night though trying to give her space. but towards the end of the night she left her friends for a little it so i went over to say hi, by the time she got back she thought i was hitting on her friend when i really wasnt so she told me to leave which i did. then she came over to me to start arguing about how i was hitting on her friend which i wasnt. so whatever another great argument. after that she left and we all went home after that. this past weekend she went to daytona for bike week and to visit her family and friends in daytona. i left her flowers at her house before the trip for good luck and to tell her that i loved her. her and i had plans to do this for a month previous but she just wanted to get away so i didnt argue and let it happen. in between all this her and i kept in constant contact since our break up and i dont know what to do to make things better im really dying inside knowing that i cant have her and that i want to be with her so bad. i have promised to her that i will pay for all the dinners or anything else and she doesnt care anymore. i have even offered to take her to some hotel resort locations so her and i can leave town and try to work things out but she still doesnt care. im starting to try and convince myself that its over and that i should try anymore and that i need to stop giving her so much attention and to just let her come back to me on her own and i should stop trying. if anyone has any questions about the matter please ask. anyone have any opinions or advice, it would be very very much appreciated. thank you and god bless...

[robowarrior]

You where her 'emotional crutch' , and because this line is thin i think she develloped emotional feelings of love for you, which you by your actions have deminished. She says it herself ' i want to get away from this crap ' , this means that she hasn't enjoyed the sum total of being with her ex husband and neither with you. The end conclusions are as following.

 

What once was is now gone, the fact that you two are in incompatible life stages hasn't made it any easier for both of you. In the end i believe you where more sex buddies then true lovers. You abused her volunerable position which i blame on you for misabusing your power. It becomes worse because you fell in love with her and the balance of power has switched back to her court as a karmatic response to your wrongfull actions i suppose.

 

I think both of you acted as sacks of hay, trying into finding needles in eachothers lives that weren't even there. My advice is as following + a warning.

 

The warning is ask yourself ' do i go into a relationship with someone so that person can make me completely miserable? The answer is 'no' you go into a relationship to make eachother happy. thereforeeee my advice is to continuesly put LOVE + LIGHT into eachothers lives, its a two way road, both giving and taking, small droplets of darkness in the form of arguments,hate,resentment,jealousy can create BIG devestation and seperation of a relationship.

 

So i doubt you will get her back, put in a future relationship be FAR more CAREFULL to what you expose your partner too. NOOO one wants misery in their lives as stated above, so watch out what you say/do * 100.

[friscodj]

Wow, I just got done reading about a complete and total disater dude...

 

First of all, this woman is in no emotional shape what-so-ever to have a relationship with anyone. How do you think you would feel just getting out of a 2-year marriage and a 7-year relationship? She's emotional road kill right now bro...

 

Secondly, she isn't even officially out of the marriage yet. Until that divorce goes through, she is still married...and that means she's taken...no matter how bad her marriage is, no matter how strongly you feel about her, no matter what she says or does...

 

Then there's the issue of you trying to buy her back, getting drunk, picking up other women and making her jealous. This is all a recipe for a very unhealthy relationship and I think you should really work on yourself and not making this thing a habit with future women...

 

You should definitely cut all ties with this woman and seriously sit down with yourself, take some time, and figure out what your definition of a healthy relationship is and what you want in a partner...I'm concerned for your future more than anything here...

[SoFLA_Rob]

both of you are totally right. i will take into account everything you two just said it definatly made me feel better and i have a lot of thinking to do. she actually just called me when i went out to dinner and i didnt answer the phone because i need to move on. i dont think i should get back with her unless she really apologizes and begs for me back because she has put me through a lot of hurt. but you guys are right and i need to do whats best for me. i need to sit down with myself and really think about the relationship i need and not just want. more advice is always welcome. thank you

[stolenshadow]

Even if she apologized (for whatever) that wouldn't change the fact she's not ready for a relationship.

 

So, just leave her in the past, and don't answer calls or expect her to say certain things, that would only start games, just stop contact and carry on with your life.

[JonnyG]

Maybe im reading this wrong but it sounds like u treated her pretty poorly and yet your expecting her to apologise to u????

 

U mention u had the upper hand and threatened to break up with her a couple of times and made her cry. Why did u threaten to break up???

 

Chatting to 3/4 exs while meant to be seeing another girl full time? Sounds a fair amount of exs to be chatting to all at once, especially as u mentioned that u werent sure if u wanted to settle down with this lady.

 

Then near the end of the relationship u mention u treated her worse and back talked her.

 

Getting drunk and purposly trying to make her jealous when things are already bad.

 

Eek, some bad things going on here.

 

Do me a favour. As a guy who always seems to treat girls nice and not really getting anywhere, and u seem to be an example of a guy who doesnt seem to treat girls so nicely (at least before) and have managed to still keep this girl 6 months or so (but at least now u now seem to have seen your wrongs) if she does get back with u, appreciate her.

 

Good luck lad.