Be myself or try and change?

[BillyJean714]

Maybe it's the fact that she does ignore certain things about you. Maybe it is the fact that in some ways, the way she treats you, causes you to feel a bit less confident about yourself. Maybe it's the way she looks at you.

 

Either way, it doesn't sound too good.

 

I know for one thing- if I were to be in a relationship- if I was truly attracted to my partner in every way to begin with, and if he did go through a rough time in his life (and I knew that he truly loves me the same/had my back), then I would be in full support of him. Instead of saying, "Hey, go find your own confidence" I would tell him, "Look. Lately, I notice that things have been bothering you. Just wanted to let you know everything's going to be okay."

 

In other words, if your gf truly loved you, she would reassure you- confident or not. It's not that you're finding happiness in her. (If you went into the relationship thinking "I need to be with someone to be happy", then that is an ENTIRELY different story). If you went into this relationship wanting to share your happiness with her, then that's different because you entered the relationship "knowing" that you were a happy/confident person.

 

I think it's the fact that she's taking you for granted. That's what I think. I don't think that it's because you lack confidence. Do you really? Or is it because of this relationship that causes you to feel down/low about yourself? If that's the case, then cut it out of your life. You don't NEED her. If anything, sorry, don't want to put her down, but she sounds like she doesn't really care. But that's just what I'm sensing based on the things you told us and what I know from personal experience. Trust me, I have plenty of friends who get taken advantaged of. I also have friends who take advantage of their bfs (which pisses me off). Anyway, hope you realize what's important for you.

 

Remember: "Love brings you up, not down."

[Momene]

This is a reply to the last message by Billy Jean and I haven't included all the rest. Sometimes if you're going through a rough time, a partner may be unwilling to help you but sometimes they can simply be unable. Yes, you are right that a partner should support you but this is like saying they should always be faithful, unselfish, etc and even in good relationships people can be unfaithful, selfish and unsupportive at times.

 

I went through a crisis 2 years ago and I didn't get the support I needed from my partner. It was tough but easier to understand that it was a case of "can't" rather than "won't".

[BillyJean714]

I went through a crisis 2 years ago and I didn't get the support I needed from my partner. It was tough but easier to understand that it was a case of "can't" rather than "won't".

You do have a good point, because not everybody has the capacity to understand.

 

However, in my experience, when someone loves another person, the key ingredient to any healthy relationship is understanding and acceptance.

 

I'm sorry, but what the original poster mentioned, it doesn't sound like his partner really understands and accepts him. Not to say that she is a bad person. Perhaps she doesn't have the capacity to "fix" certain things he's insecure about, but she does have the capacity to stand by his side and support him.

 

The thing that struck me about his post is the fact that it sounded very similar to a situation that one of my girflriends went through with her man, someone who she cheated on. I thought she was very selfish. And, yes, as of today, I thought through and through about the things she did to him and the things she does in general, and what I say is "She kept him because she was selfish."

 

Just because a person does not have the capacity to fully understand another human being's experience, DOESN'T mean that they should outright string another person along to use them just to make them feel good about themselves. That's using another human being. And it's selfish. It makes sense.

 

She said the same thing about her boyfriend to me, "He used to be this and that, etc., etc., and now I'm losing attraction for him." One night we go out dancing, she cheats on him. For how long? On and off during their 3 year relationship. I felt bad for her boyfriend. You know how much I wanted to tell him, "You can do so much better. Leave her. She's just using you to make her feel good about herself." I didn't. I felt like it wasn't my business to get involved. However, since the original poster came on here to ask a question and ask for advice, I wanted to give my imput hoping it may help.

 

With my friends, she should've just been upfront with him from day one, but she wasn't. She couldn't, because he treated her so well.

 

He always was supportive of her. It really frustrated me to see that she didn't feel guilty for staying with him, when she knew in her heart that she didn't love him in that way, because if she did, she would've never cheated on him. She wouldn't have been inconsistent in her behavior towards him the way she was.

 

I ask her, "Okay, if you would've stayed with guy X, would you think you would've cheated on him?" She says, "No, but if I stay with Y (the one who she cheated on), I know I'll always have the urge to want to cheat on him, because I know I have him and I know he loves me and I love him."

 

"Bull", I told her. I said, "Look, you don't love him. You care about him, but you don't love him. Because when he had his surgery, instead of helping him with his condition, you expected him to straight up just go to the gym and work out when you know that physically he can't. And so that turns you off, and you say you love him?"

 

She's still my friend, but I keep her at a distance. This is what I'm getting at: It's selfish to keep another person around just because they make a person feel better about themselves. It's loving to be with a person when you know you feel good about yourself and you share your life together. You don't use that person to make you feel better. That's my motto.

 

Relationships should be about two people enjoying each other on a journey in life. Not misusing and being selfish towards one another.-That's unhealthy.

 

I told her to leave him alone for now. It's SO sad for him. He was a great boyfriend, and I hope he finds the right girl for him.

 

To me, a healthy relationship is like watching two kids play together. You know how it is when you watch children play together, they're having fun, they try not to hurt each other's feelings. It's so romantic, fun, and joyous. I know as adults we're not kids, but our relationships can mimic the youthfulness and innocence how the experience is like to be with someone who fully loves us, accepts us for who we are.

 

She never loved him for who he truly is. She kept dragging him on and on. It wasn't fair for him. I hope that the original poster doesn't have to go through with what my friend's ex went through. I also do hope that things work out between him and his gf, but if like I said, if she can't accept him, then that could be a problem.

[yumblefish]

OK - great advice from everyone. Thanks. Lets assume for now that I want to stay with her and for her to change her opinion of me. What do you suggest I do to become more confident, controlled and challenging? Are we speaking in general terms - my life as a whole, or just when I'm around her? Could you list some possible things I can do - texting her/calling her/chatting online to her less? Making less time for her? Ignoring her? Being busy? Disagreeing with her? More flirting?

 

Where do you draw the line between being a confident, controlled, challenge and being a b******?

 

At the moment I'm neither of those - I'm just a 'nice guy'. And girls don't seem to like nice guys!?

[Momene]

OK - great advice from everyone. Thanks. Lets assume for now that I want to stay with her and for her to change her opinion of me. What do you suggest I do to become more confident, controlled and challenging? Are we speaking in general terms - my life as a whole, or just when I'm around her? Could you list some possible things I can do - texting her/calling her/chatting online to her less? Making less time for her? Ignoring her? Being busy? Disagreeing with her? More flirting?

 

Where do you draw the line between being a confident, controlled, challenge and being a b******?

 

At the moment I'm neither of those - I'm just a 'nice guy'. And girls don't seem to like nice guys!?

The nice guy/bad guy bit comes up on the BBC boards all the time! I think you have to be bad enough to be interesting but good enough not to be violent or unfaithful. I'm too good.

[PocoDiablo]

OK - great advice from everyone. Thanks. Lets assume for now that I want to stay with her and for her to change her opinion of me. What do you suggest I do to become more confident, controlled and challenging? Are we speaking in general terms - my life as a whole

Yes. Everything. It has to be YOU.

 

texting her/calling her/chatting online to her less?

Yes, stay offline, let her call you more often, make her come to your place, and ... basically ... get something out of it. Don't do anything for her unless she does something for you first.

 

Making less time for her?

By spending time with friends.

 

Ignoring her?

Not if it's rude.

 

Being busy?

By spending time with friends again? Sure.

 

Disagreeing with her?

Yes, if it's something you believe or want. Don't back down, unless you're just being a jerk.

 

More flirting?

ABSOLUTELY.

 

Where do you draw the line between being a confident, controlled, challenge and being a b******?

Rudeness, selfishness, arrogance, etc. Have you ever watched a Cary Grant movie? Man, he's got all the good stuff down. He's a class act. He lets his intentions be known, he flirts, he is challenging, he is confident .. I model a lot of my behaviors after him and ... I get noticed, that's for sure.

 

At the moment I'm neither of those - I'm just a 'nice guy'. And girls don't seem to like nice guys!?

Nope. They want to have fun. They want a mature man to keep them on their toes. They want an adult - a leader - a take charge guy. So take charge a little more and see what happens!

[BillyJean714]

It depends on what you want from this girl.

 

By flirting with other woman, acting arrogant, and ignoring her? I don't think it will win her heart. It will only further justify why she wouldn't want to be with you.

 

If you are serious about her, by doing all of the negative things like distancing yourself and acting cold, she will just run away.

 

No human being deserves to be jerked around like that. Sorry, but that's not confidence to me.

[PocoDiablo]

By flirting with other woman, acting arrogant, and ignoring her? I don't think it will win her heart. It will only further justify why she wouldn't want to be with you.

100% agreed.

 

If you are serious about her, by doing all of the negative things like distancing yourself and acting cold, she will just run away.

100% agreed.

 

Confidence should more aptly be described as SELF-confidence, not mis-treating others. Gentleman is the key word I try to get guys to focus on. Be a gentleman. Be polite but fun. Be calm, cool, collected, the life of the party .. but not a frat boy. Smooth, mature, fun to be with ...

[BillyJean714]

Confidence should more aptly be described as SELF-confidence, not mis-treating others. Gentleman is the key word I try to get guys to focus on. Be a gentleman. Be polite but fun. Be calm, cool, collected, the life of the party .. but not a frat boy. Smooth, mature, fun to be with ...

Heck yeah. You got it down pat, Poco! That is what most women look for.

[PocoDiablo]

And the rest of them are just nuts.

 

Kidding!