Do you sometimes feel "Isolated" because of you sexuality?

[KIDD]

I'm not depressed,sad anything of that matter.I'm rather just annoyed & mostly confused alot.Everyday is basically the same & I'm home alot. It used to bug me but I'm finding myself to be more fine & content with being home by myself & just occupying my time than going out. It feels like I'm the outsider looking in or an alien on a different planet. I can't seem to find "GOOD" people in my life, everyone around here is so judgemental & people are only your friends to a certain point, until something changes (Like your sexuality for instance). Deep down I know the friends I have would leave me if I came out about my sexuality, just by listening to them talk about homosexuals. It wouldn't bother me if they left. I feel like I'm rather using them for my personal entertainment. As I only have about 4 good friends I talk to on the phone & hang out with. I'd probably miss the hanging out part alone since it's hard for me to make friends in the first place. It'll get lonely also if people left me,but I'm strong I think I can deal with it.I can honestly say I'm just using my friends for the outings that we have & the transportation, I know it sounds wrong but I really don't think they're my friends to begin with.

 

I seriously don't know where I'm trying to get at. I guess I'm just annoyed with people in general, someone always want to look down upon you.Like my friend's parents yesterday were questioning me about why I wasn't in college yet. I basically replied with the "I wasn't sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go". They basically gave me this look & went about their business. Seriously, not everyone knows what they want to do in life, especially at 19.It bothered me a little, especially going on facebook & seeing that everyone who went to high school with me have graduated & have left to college somewhere. Yet I'm here still. I'm going to a college here for now during the summer, Georgia Perimeter & then I'll branch out somewhere else.Can you believe I don't know how to drive or even have my driver's license yet?? I don't have a car or any transportation so I have to take the bus alot, so where I want to go is limited.

 

As for a job, it's so hard finding one! I had a job at the beginning of the year but my boss ended up being unorganized. She was unable to give me my check on time. I think I worked for a good two weeks at the beginning of the year. She didn't even put me in the system or have a schedule cut out for anybody. It's just last week that I've gotten a paycheck!!! It's been January since I worked! It was like this for my other co-worker! So I'm just looking elsewhere for a job. Everyone else at my job is having a problem with her, I don't know what's going on.

 

As I've stated I'm not depressed, rather just confused on where life is taking me. Somedays I want a boyfriend & somedays I don't. I don't know if I can seriously deal with a relationship & wondering if he's faithful or not. I know I have to trust but seriously, what guy at my age is wanting to settle down? Just by observing guys in general, it seems they want to be a so called player or what not & alot of people in our lifestyle don't seem to want to have a relationship. Just a one night stand.

 

It's like I'm fine with being alone but I want more out of life. But it's so hard to get more out if it when you don't know exactly where to start, or you've been trying & you can't seem to get what you want.I've noticed that I'm very anti-social, I'm quiet & I keep to myself alot. I'm not a very good people type person.It's hard to strike up conversations with people,especially strangers.I'm not into what most people are into & I guess that's what makes me different. I'm not into sports or any activities so it's hard for me to talk about things. Maybe I just need to get more in tune with what's going on in the world I suppose.

 

 

In all I'm working hard, soul searching everyday! I'm ok you guys, just thought I'd post my thoughts & feelings & maybe perhaps I could help someone out there who's also lost in life!

[chai714]

I think you need to look at your avatar. That man did not wait for things to happen. He realized that things don't just happen on their own - they require energy and lots of it. When it comes down to it, look at the movers and shakers in this world. They tend to network lots, know how people operate and they learn to mold things as they go. If you look at MLK, he was responsible for the biggest civil rights movement the country has seen. The things he did while he was alive are still felt today. Take note that those things did not happen by themselves - they required energy and motion. You're in complete control of your life - you decide which direction you want it to go and steer it.

[Jinx]

Can you believe I don't know how to drive or even have my driver's license yet?? I don't have a car or any transportation so I have to take the bus alot, so where I want to go is limited.

Yes I surely do. I too was a "late bloomer" as some people called it. Just have to love the city transporation systems, eventually get fed up with it. I remember feeling like that, when I was 16, everyone was out getting their permits. By 18 if you didn't have your license it was odd and people kind of looked at you, but being myself in that regard it was simple to go tell them to mind their own business. Seriously, most Colleges and people will tell you its just a liability to have a car anyhow.

 

I remember before I started College one of the huge points was that Cars are nice, but if you've got a nice one, you'll most likely be using your financial aid remains if any to take care of everyone else's jealousy. You'd be surprised how often nice cars have their windows smashed out or tires slashed on college campus. Then you learn to buy a cheap ugly vehicle that works like a saint and no one bothers it.

 

Somedays I want a boyfriend & somedays I don't. I don't know if I can seriously deal with a relationship & wondering if he's faithful or not. I know I have to trust but seriously, what guy at my age is wanting to settle down? Just by observing guys in general, it seems they want to be a so called player or what not & alot of people in our lifestyle don't seem to want to have a relationship. Just a one night stand.

This is kind of me in a nutshell. I would like a girlfriend, that would be oh so nice but really, at my age, most of them straight or GLB are so caught up with the drugs, sex and alcohol scene, commitment is like a bad joke for most.

 

For myself, I have no interest in that, I understand the concept of long term relationships and thats what I want. One that moves at a gradual decent pace that eventually she and I when ready can move in, own a home, set up a family and carry on with our lives happily without interference from infidelity or otherwise, BUT that seems like a far ways off.

 

The lesbians here make me cringe. I once told a person, when they invented stereotypes they had these women in mind. Its a real pain having to deal with all this. The pool is smaller to start out with then theres more than aren't in for the long term. Where does that leave us as the minority of the minority? Single. Again I'll step up and sing about the fact that these are some of the GLB individuals that whine about everyone setting up stereotypes then what do they do over the weekend? Just that, illustrate each and every one. Its insane.

 

Sometimes I do have my major mixed feelings. When I was out in my city's "Gay Blvd." and we were at the restaurant, it was a mixed bag. There were lesbian couples, gay couples and straight couples all in harmony. There were very few singles and they were all men aside of me, I was the only lesbian alone (smaller group to start with, but...). Can't help but look around and wish for a happy relationship which a lot of people appeared to be in, same when we were out on the streets. Then I came to the realization that good things take time and on my negative view most of these people were younger. How many of them will work out in the long run, how many will stay faithful, so on and so forth.

 

(Edited for additional comments here to end)

Doing a random switch for the moment on the jobs topic, it is difficult at first but usually gets a little easier further along you get in the education level. With summer months coming a lot of the general work is extremely hard to find. Its even more of a pest when you find out you're either over qualified or under qualified for all these jobs you want to apply. You know what you may try, since you've applied to the College go see if they have a Career Services and Student Employment program.

 

I love those things to bits.

 

There is competition but less, and depending what program you're in you can be just about anywhere on campus with an intriguing job that pays as much as a minimum wage flipping burgers type or more. Secondly, they're extremely flexible or at least from my experience. They work with YOUR schedule and as long as they're open and you get in the minimum hours each week its sure and steady.

 

Anyhow, becoming social is one of those gradual things. Unfortunately it doesn't come over night and poof we're talented speakers. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of work and willingness. I do suspect though, that when you do take that first College course you'll see the major difference in College students from HS students.

 

Sure you'll always have the simple minded, thats a given, but you'll be more prone to find open and understanding people too. Most of the gay men I know waited for College years to have a full blown coming out, as did I. Even though I didn't have the best experience, its not as suffocating and confining as HS is. HS you have the same people day in day out and rumors are like a wildfire. College, not as much so. Since I've came out, people kind of know and either cope or leave me alone, but it isn't like general knowledge such as every little "scandal" in High School, which is a huge plus for all of us.

 

I think it will be a plus nonetheless, really people are from my experience more social and approaching. I remember many times where I'd be walking and someone from a course male or female would come up and just start talking. Also, so many people are displaced from friends and family by College that they are soaking up others like a wet sponge. After High School I was pretty much barren as everyone split except the one woman I knew at the cafe and such for awhile and handful of others, so its an opportunity to take advantage of. It seems the friendliest and most often to approach are other Freshman and Older Students who are Freshman. Just don't let the age idea get in the way. There are people in their 40's, 50's, 60's attending college for the very first time in their lives. No one even flinches at 19. They were more prone to flinch back when I was in my first semester because I was so young compared to most of the other students. Eventually I found someone who was 17 but that is rare, 18 you're a kid. 19-20's well accepted.

[FoxLocke]

The answer to your question, Kidd, is...HECK YES!

 

I do feel like I'm on some remote Island the majority of the time.

 

Right now, I am dealing with two life altering issues: My sexuality and the subsequential move away from the religion(Christianity)that has been the foundation of my life since birth. I never imagined having to deal with these issues before. All of my life I assumed that I was going to live a straight, "normal(what in the hell is normal anyway?)," life and do what everyone else does. But then I started to think about myself and what I wanted out of life, Which is why I'm on enotalone now. I made the choice to choose happiness. Unfortunately, the road to happiness is paved with its own trials and tribulations.

 

It sucks really bad not being able to talk to my mom, family, and friends about guys that I like. I hate watching television and seeing a beautiful actor and having to look around just to make sure no one will hear me say he's cute. It saddens me whenever people ask me whether or not I have a girlfriend. I've never had a REAL girlfriend and I'm not in my mid twenties. Hello, put two and two together folks.

I always have to listen to everyone else talk about their relationship problems; whereas, I feel so left out because of my sexual pref. I hate not being able to be real with everyone I meet. I always have to play this guessing game about certain people's level of tolerance...And then I get resentful of the fact that I have to be "tolerated." Why can't I just be accepted? Yes, it is very frustrating and sometimes I feel like I need to be alone just to meditate and coagulate my thoughts. Ironically, that helps me alot. If you can be alone then that means you are capable of complete self acceptance. You don't have anyone to validate you nor condemn you. You have no one but You, you, and You. So Kidd, you are stronger than you think. All of this thinking and introspection is growth.

 

Being gay has taught me one major thing. It has taught me to search my heart for my own truth. When I was trying not to be gay I tried to fit in and conform to what I thought everyone expected of me. I had to wear the right clothes, make the right grades, and say all the right things. It even came down to believing in everything that I was taught.

When I first came here my main concern about being gay was my religion. I was so afraid of accepting my sexuality because it wasn't biblical. Then I went through a period of trying to reconcile my sexuality to the faith. This in turn led me to study the bible and all the fallacies and contradictions within. I grew so disillusioned with my faith, but being gay helped me to learn even more. So, as of now I don't fit in with THAT particular branch of my life anymore. It's hard for me to tell my mom that I no longer believe in the Judeo Christian god...Because in some respects she sees that as a rejection of her, but it really isn't. I am just in this process of discovering who I am. And these feelings of isolation are growth periods, I believe...

 

Kidd, don't feel bad. I think feeling isolated by your sexuality is universal in regards to being gay. Everyone has to go through this weird transition period. And I was a late bloomer too. Grant it, I got my driver's license at 17-years-old but in regards to other factors: I didn't goto prom(because I didn't like girls like that), never went to a school dance(self esteem issues), and I thought I was deformed and hideous(typical young teen angst B.S.)...Infact, I spent the entire four years of highschool inside of my room.

 

Believe me, things will turn out for your own good. Somethings you have to just make them happen. That is why I chose to go back to college. At first I was having a hard time finding another job so I felt like going back to get another degree. It was the best decision I made for myself. Your process maybe different, but when you are ready for a change you will make it happen.

I hope that helps! Anyway, I give you a cyber hug since I can't be there in person.

[Prufrock06]

Kidd, Jinx, FoxLocke,

 

I'm in one of my vulnerable little funks and it was so nice to read through each of your responses to know that I'm not alone (okay, eNotAlone pun notwithstanding, haha), that all these fears and concerns I have aren't just delusions in my own mind but are something that others have in common as well.

 

Kid: I really identified with your ideas on being alone versus being surrounded by a crowd of people who can't identify with you. It's kind of frustrating that, even though I'm relatively out to everyone, I still feel these same pangs of isolation from my other straight friends, who go on and on about their relationships and issues while I sit there and listen like a dutiful friend, all the while wishing that I could tell them my concerns and that they could identify with them 100 percent like people on this board do, instead of just trying to console me with that tone that implies they really have no idea how to handle what I'm feeling. It's intersting your kind of back and forthing between wanting a boyfriend and not wanting one -- I too feel the same way a lot. It's like I want one and I daydream about being in a relationship, yet at the same time given the transitional period of my life (graduating, looking for a job, moving out, etc. etc.) I wonder whether, despite my deep desires, whether I could even give a boyfriend all the affection and attention I would want to give him.

 

Jinx -- you talked about looking around and wishing to be in happy relationships like others around you; I can really identify with this feeling, especially when I was out on the gay scene the other night and so many guys seemed to be in love with one another (as to whether they actually were, who knows, but just the sight of it was enough to make me stop and think, haha). Your pain in dealing with stereotypes is something I can totally sympathize with (and stereotypes were indeed out in force when I went out, though there were some pleasant, unstereotypical surprises as well) and it's so frustrating because it makes you want to pander to these stereotypes sometimes because you feel it's the only way you can fit in, the only way you can find a boyfriend or girlfriend. And yet at the same time, you'd essentially be giving up on yourself, or denying a part of your personality in an effort to achieve some kind of happy ideal -- which probably isn't the wisest thing for us monogamists to do.

 

FoxLocke -- What struck me about your post was, again, this lack of ability to communicate with others around you on a completely genuine and honest level. Though I'm out to my parents, they still aren't comfortable talking about being gay with me, which pains me when I want to tell them how I feel and so instead I just kind of bottle up these worries, these desires, these opinions on who is attractive or who I have a crush on or who I pine for, etc. etc. Though I can't really identify with your personal religious issues involved in your sexuality (as that was never really a defining crisis for me), it's so easy to admire your personal strength in terms of the overall process of what each of us are doing for ourselves, regardless of the relative stages of being out that we're each involved in.

 

Wow. These were really introspective posts that were a pleasure for this "late bloomer" to read. I kind of feel better already! So yeah, while I do feel isolated sometimes, it's nice to come here and discover once again that I'm really not as isolated as I seem to be.

 

Cyberhugs all around

[KIDD]

Hey I'm glad I could help Profrock06!! I feel better too, as I was in when of those vulnerable little funks myself!

 

Jinx - About College, I hope it's not like High School like you mentioned. I plan to be more social & outgoing unlike high school. I also plan to do well in college too. High school was a complete nightmare, where I was completely confused & hardly had friends. Basically everyone was stuck-up & too focused on the popular people.Also about relationships, someone will come for you & it will be bliss! Have you ever heard the saying, good things come to those who wait? I know it's hard trust me, especially when you see everybody else happy, but maybe now isn't the time for you to have a relationship. Maybe that's why I'm not with anybody at the moment. Like we mentioned, most people aren't looking for relationships at our age. If we even got with someone, it would most likely lead us to heartbreak later down the line. Then again maybe not. I really do believe the saying, "A good person is hard to find!"

 

Foxlocke - How's it hanging man!? Like we've mentioned, we're so much alike, it's almost like your my twin brother lol. I'm also realising that I have to love myself 100%, which I'm still working on. If I love me, it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks as long as I know in my heart that I am a good person. As far as religion is concerned, it will take a while to figure things out. I'm really mystified with the afterlife & what's in store for us in the next stage of life. Like I mentioned before, I don't take everything so seriously as far as religion is concerned. All I know is that there is a god, or perhaps a higher power that brought us here on earth. I just focus on praying to god & understanding him, just knowing that he's here for me.I don't try to focus too much on the whole converting religions.Right now Foxlocke, just know that god does love you no matter what & that he doesn't look down on you for anything. Also, just take the time before you go to bed or when you wake up in the morning & just pray & talk to him.Ask him about where you should go & eventually everything will come into place! Trust me! There is a higher power! Sometimes I wonder if we're "SPECIAL" people? Like maybe we'll get rewarded in the afterlife for being different or something than straight people... I don't know. I was reading something interesting awhile ago, forgot exactly the source. Did you know that in some tribes in Africa, they actually worship "gay" people & they're treated as kings & queens for a certain reason? I thought that was quite interesting!

 

The world is such a mysterious place & has so many secrets. I think everyone was brought on this earth for a purpose. It's up to us to define who we are & make a difference in life. I sometimes like being different because I think if I was straight, I probably would be just like some of them are.It helps me to be courteous & be nice to everyone, because everyone needs to be treated with respect! I think we're good people & I think god has something special in store for us, I really do!

[FoxLocke]

On the points of being in relationships sometimes I go back and fourth on it too, just like the rest of you! Even though I'm infatuated with this guy I've been hanging out with I sometimes wonder do I want a boyfriend while sorting all of this stuff out? I am in a real transitory period in my life, and right now it is scary as hell...

Frankly, because everything I've ever known and been taught I no longer agree with. When something has been such an intricate part of your life it is hard to push back and let go...lol.

But, I'm getting there. I'm now reevaluating the things that I feel and believe in, and I think that is a postive step in the right direction.

This is a great thread and I'm so glad I read it.