I cant be a father!

[Gaz21uk]

Hello all. I used to post on here when I was younger and I found that there were some really genuine people on here with genuine problems and I found real help.

 

My problem is now that my ex girlfriend of 6 months is having our baby soon. A baby that we tried so hard not to concieve, using the pill, condoms etc. Still, she insists that it is mine despite my disbilief.

 

The problem is that I am no father, I am not ready for kids and probably never will be at the age of 25. She treated me quite badly in the relationship even stole and cheated but I have put that behind us and we still talk occasionally.

 

But my question is do I NEED to be a part of this babies life and do I need to involve my family as she said she WANTS to be a single mother and does not expect anything from me?

 

Im scared of not being there and scared OF being there but I am no father and with work commitments possibly taking me far away its not fair on either of them surely. I dont want to be a father, at least not for quite a while, and I feel I have nothing to give to this baby.

 

And on another note I feel very tired and have no motivation lately, well for the last few months actually and I cant get over it, my coursework is WELL behind for my MCSE that I am studying for and I generally feel like my life is getting worse and worse and out of control. Im on a huge downer I think.

 

But at least I got over the acne, just the scarring now to deal with....but thats another story.

 

 

Please help.

[becallamjr]

Make sure it is yours with a DNA test when the baby is born.

[Gaz21uk]

Yes I should do that thankyou. Can anyone else answer my questions Im going mad here! Thanks.

[FoxLocke]

Get the DNA test, and if it is yours that is where the hard part comes in.

 

I apologize, but I think it is your duty to be there for that child. The baby did not ask to be here. And regardless of all the protection the both of you used none of it is ever 100%...Or perhaps she may not have taken a pill that day. Regardless of the fact the baby is here and it deserves to know it's origins...

The two of you don't have to be together...But you should atleast work something out to split parent time.

But if she isn't expecting anything then I guess you're free...But in the long one the innocent victim will be the baby. And he or she will resent you for your reasons when he or she grows up.

[Shadows Light]

DNA test.

 

And if your GF really wanted no part of you and to truly be a single mother.. would she have told you??? If it was me and those were my wishes.. I certainly wouldn't entertain the thought of telling. I'd bear that sin on my own conscience.

 

You certainly are not alone in your questioning yourself on being a parent and a good parent. I think anyone worth their salt would question their abilities as a prospective parent. Afterall it is one of the hardest jobs in the world. Building, shaping and responsible for another human life other than your own. Buck up buddy... you're ok.

 

You will be fine.

 

Today... your feelings may be that you do not want any involvement. That you can't handle the responsibility or the stress. Believe me.. things change, you will change in countless ways in the coming years. Try to remain open minded.

 

If you know for sure...that you can not make it with GF..and that she is NOT for you. Then that is one thing checked off the list you don't have to worry about. If you find out that the baby is in fact yours... I'm sure that in the least.. the both of you can be adult about your responsibilities and at least be cordial and friends. You made "LOVE" and this child was made in Love and Light... and that wasn't a lie. Its not the childs fault. It didn't ask to be here. If it is yours.. it carries your genes..and a part of you.

 

you will be ok.

 

Lots of pressure your way. Considering your coursework. So.. what things are under your control?????? Your studies?? well.. best get to it. And force yourself time to study. Take frequent breaks. Go for walks. Exercise. And study study study.

 

Your mental health. You might benefit from going to talk to a counselor. Talk it out with a proffessional. To help you sort out your head. Find direction.. dig for that motivation.

 

You WILL be ok. From here to nuclear war... this is a "BLIP" on your time line.. and by far NOT the worst thing in the world to happen to you. Untimely yes.. but then again, some of the best things that happen to us in life are untimely...and unwanted at the time.

 

YOU will be OK.

[shyanne]

even though we use the pill, condoms etc these things can and do happen. the pill normally works unless your not taking it right but none of that matters. now she is having a baby which is presumed yours. you may not be ready to be a dad but that's too bad. you made your bed and now it's time to take care of what's yours, if it's yours. whether your ready or not. if this is your child then YES you should be part of the childs life... doesn't matter if your together or not. doesn't matter what she tells you about not expecting anything, who cares... what about the child. that child will not understand and will go through life thinking/knowing that daddy didn't care or love her/him enough to be there. you have something right now you can give this child, love and devotion even if your not around all the time. sometimes is better then none..

[AwdreeHpburn]

Gaz - I think it takes a big man to admit he's not ready to be a father. I think more people should admit that. Or at least look at it.

 

Just the fact that you are acknowledging it says loads about what kind of person you are.

 

You may not be the most responsible or best fit (for example) but I definitely think you should, if the baby is yours, be a part of his/her life. You DO have something to offer the child and that is who YOU are.

 

If you don't live with or raise the child directly, please for the sake of his self-esteem and over all well being, be a part of his life. DEMAND THAT. Even just being someone he/she knows as her father can make worlds of difference.

 

I totally admire and commed you for your admission. Its a hard thing to realize and takes even more to admit.

 

Don't be afraid to offer a part of who you are to a child. Even if all that is, is a bit of your time and presense.

[adideas]

Completely agree with shadow light.

 

Unfortunately life is not on our timeline. Neither is God when he answers our prayers. Things come into your life for reasons we cannot explain but know everything happens for a reason.

 

Even without this child, the way you will change from the time you are 23 to 28 is immesuarable. Your values, wants, and needs will change. You will begin (yes, I said begin) to find yourself and who you are. This is just a slap into reality and you have to step up to the plate and start becoming the person you are meant to be. Part of that person is now a father.

 

Everyone has something to give. Even you! This will be the one person in the world who will look at you and love you unconditionally. You will be their hero. You will be their world. And you will be shaping the person they become. SURELY, there is something good you can pass along.

 

What if this is your only legacy. The only thing you leave behind that this world will remember you by. The only impact that will truly make a difference and you CHOOSE to turn your back on it because you're not ready?

 

My child was not planned. And parenting is hard -- even at 40! -- and even in a two parent household. But it is a choice we make everytime we take a risk and have sex. Someone said to me, life is about choices and then how you deal with the consequences.

 

Keep in touch!

[AwdreeHpburn]

I say that same sentiment to my husband when I get frustrated with the kids, or the fact that we have them,

 

"Who's idea was it to have kids??!! I just wanted to have sex!"

 

(I'm kidding of course....)

[Tesseract_Witch]

I may seem far too young to have any inkling as to what I say, but I do see a terrific pattern developing within my own era--kids get themselves into a mess, and suddenly one takes responsibility and the other wonders where he stands ("he" could mean either "he" or "she," but it suits your purposes to say "he"--I may be a girl myself, but I hardly abide by these insidious "non-grammatically sexist" rules. Is there not a "he" in the words "he" and "she"? But, getting to the point), while things get out of hand and one is losing himself to a problem that isn't necessarily his. This suicidal cycle will mar the very eloquence of those like "Ta ree saw" in saying it is not a way to live life. But if you should find this life is yours, love it as if it was yours and yours alone--if you want it. Children, I have heard, are one thing parents cannot surrender without battling with blood and iron (pardon the expression--I don't suggest you go after your ex with a sword). That baby, if it is yours--is yours, and you should want to be there for it regardless as to what its mother says. Is it not (again, if it is), your life too--not just another's life you must protect? Is this baby not going to be a part of you, and if you should be sorrowed, it would be too; your happiness is shared with it?

[Hope75]

I can definitely understand fear at the thought of being a parent, provider and role model to a child when you don't feel ready. However this baby is coming, ready or not, and both you and the baby's mom should be involved to provide the child with love, guidance, teaching, care, and support.

 

It's a learning process, ask anyone on this site who's been a first time parent and they will tell you, no matter how much a baby was planned, rarely does it happen that there aren't some trial-by-error lessons learned and surprises that they never expected.

 

That does not mean that you will not make a good parent. Give yourself some credit, and give it a try. Just because your ex thinks she can do it alone, is not a reason to have that baby not be given the choice to have both parents in his/her life. You were both there to make the baby, now you can both have an active part in caring for, loving, and shaping who this baby becomes.

 

There are parenting classes available, young parent support groups, lots of good resources to help get you started. Contact your local hospitals for more info, check out local papers, and if you have a community center they may have info out as well. Talk to other parents.

 

Good luck.

[Gaz21uk]

Thank you for all your replies. I take all of it into consideration and I feel like I cant be way from the child because of how he may develop without me.

 

I do accept responsibilty *for now* and we will see what the dna test says...

 

I just wish that things were different, I wish I concieved this child out of a want for him, not for sex.

 

Now how the hell do I tell the family when they hate her?

 

Thanks for your kind words.

[piegirl]

As a single parent I can tell you that if this child is yours you should make every effort to be invovled in its life.

 

There is nothing worse than having your child look at you and say "Mommy Daddy will be at our dance recital wont he." and you then having to tell them that Daddy doesn't even know they are having one. That he is really busy or making up other excuses for why he doesn't call on birthdays or holidays.

 

Children are very curious creatures and will ask questions about a missing parent. No one is a perfect parent but making the attempt to do your best is all that you can do. You will be fine but know that if that child is yours then it is your responsibility to that child to be a part of its life that child will need you. You will find that while parenting is difficult the joys of it far out weigh the difficulties. Good luck you will be fine.

[lovecrazy]

I agree a DNA test is best...But if she is un-fit which it seems, that she is by stealing and cheating. I would try and get full custody of this child.

 

and honestly you asking for advice doesnt make you seem like an irresponible person. So you might be a good father. The least likely ones, turn out to be the best. IF I were you, and this was your child, pending a DNA test, I would be in this child's life! I mean how would you feel if your father wasnt in your life. I know for me it hurts, and still bothers me to this day!

 

I wish you the best of luck. But the greatest gift in life is a child! I know I want one, but I dont feel I am ready as you. But like the old christain saying goies "God will only put on you what you can handle"

 

When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequilla! LOL

 

But seriously, having a child should be a wonderful experience. Be in this childs life, you wont regret it!

[Shadows Light]

I just wish that things were different, I wish I concieved this child out of a want for him, not for sex.

 

Now how the hell do I tell the family when they hate her?

 

Thanks for your kind words.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20... and yes, I can well understand you wish things were different and the child was conceived out of love and a want of a child. Its not the kids fault. Children are a gift. Children are a blessing. If the tests prove out your paternity.. this child is 1/2 you. And all you can do is "LOVE" it. Children make you real.. and they make LIFE very very real. Grin.

 

Telling the family. They may not like the mother.. but as I said, the child is half yours. They will love the child. ohhhh at first you'll face the storm sure.. you'll hear the "I told you so's etc etc.." But when they hold that baby in their arms... and they see your eyes, your nose.. or your chin.. it will bring back loving memories of YOU as a baby. Grandparents can't help but LOVE thier grand kids. It will be ok. YOU will be ok.

 

Sometimes FATE tosses unexpected surprises at us. And those surprises make us and shapes who we are. YOU'll be fine. One day at a time.

[Hope75]

You tell your parents that although you know that they are not fond of her- that you are now expecting a baby together and that though you yourselves are not together, you need your parents' support because it's not the baby's fault, and he/she didn't ask to be conceived, what's done is done and now the focus has to be on this baby, and what's best for him/her.

 

Hopefully after they get through the initial anger, they will understand what you are saying and agree.