Take a look at This..

[metalheart]

Hi to all people of the forum! Just wanted to share this with all of you, its some reflexions about Love/Relationships/Breakup/Healing that i've founded on the web..

 

I hope it might be useful for you, even if its just to get another insight about your own behaviors and experiences :

 

Grief:

It is said that the second most intense life stress is loss of love. The first is death. But I question this? Both are final. Both, in most cases, result in the physical removal of someone special from your life. Both result in the loss of a way of life we have become familiar with. Both have resulted in hanging strings of things that were never said. However with death you have the peace of knowing you were in your lost loved one's heart. You were not abandoned purposely, cast aside, or rejected. With death you can take off work and get sympathy. You are given gifts of comfort and understanding. You can go through closing rituals and you can feel contentment that they are in a better place. But with breakups, separation, or divorce, even though you have the assurance that they are still alive somewhere on this Earth, their love was intentionally withdrawn from you! They opted to leave you. We no longer have their presense, nor their care. They no longer want us.

 

Either way, death or breakup, you had little say or control over the situation. I've often wondered if I had been able to deal with my loss easier if my ex had been taken away from me at God's will while he still loved me, instead of his intentional, direct withdrawal of his love for me on his own volition. That's not to say I wish him dead, oh my! That's just to say I think my own personal grief would have been less self-destructive and more accepted and socially supported.

 

I have been through both the death of a loved one, and the intentional physical and emotional withdrawal of a loved one, and I would have to say grief over breakup, separation, or divorce can be equally as devastating–if not more–than grief over the death of your loved one.

 

In death you lose your loved one's physical presense in both your present time and your future. But in the loss through breakup we haven't just lost one's physical presense in our lives, but their love, also. We experience grief over the loss of their mental, emotional, and spiritual presense, too, along with our own sense of value and self-worth, our pride, our ego, our dreams, our hopes, our security, and our feelings of being loved. We feel rejected, not good enough, not lovable, unwanted, and cast aside. We feel taken for granted and unappreciated for all we have done. We have gone from being everything to being nothing in a moment flat! But what kind of people would we be if we didn't grieve? Doesn't our grief stem from our having been loving, devoted, caring, committed, trusting and involved? Would we really want to be the type of person that is so cold, callous, without emotion, and self-centered that we could easily just dismiss such a breakup and walk away unscathed?..."

 

Fighting Urges to Contact Our Ex

Habits, and urges, and addictions, oh my! They go hand in hand–what is one without the other?

 

What is usually the hardest for someone going through a breakup is fighting those relentless urges to contact the ex. "I just need some closure. I just need some answers 'why'. I just want to explain to them, plead with them, beg them, show them how I'm sorry. I just want to hear their voice, see their face, and have them see and hear mine. Maybe they'll realize how much they miss me...blah, blah, blah....yadda, yadda, yadda...." Ewww!!!!

 

Those urges are just so annoying. But what drives us to follow through with them? To risk our pride, our dignity, our self-esteem, and self-respect and fall crumbling to our knees to plead with them? What are they, God or something? Geez! We are sorry-sacks aren't we *grins*. But we've all done it. We've all thought about planning 'accidental' meetings, dreamed of chance encounters and hoped for final conversations. We've all come up with emergency reasons to contact our ex–we've conjured up causes, and schemed, plotted, and coerced our friends to arrange it. So why do we do it and how can we cope with them? How do we fight urges that dominate our thinking and interfere with our daily routine?

 

 

Why do i feel such an overwhelming urge to contact my ex!?

 

 

Your ex, and the relationship, were very important to you. It's simply an unreasonable request to expect you to just walk away without the urge to regain that importance back in your life! You crave your ex and the relationship–not just because of love, or security, but because it was a habit and habits are addictions...and addictions are fed by cravings. Without the craving there would be no addiction. It's not the object of the addiction that drives us to have to have it, it's the unbearable, never-ending craving for it that motivates us to lose all for the object of our addiction. It's not the plain, simple alcohol itself that drives the alcoholic to drink...it's that relentless craving for it. Why should breaking the love habit be any different? Only this scenario is a little different. We crave them/the relationship, as much as an alcoholic craves alcohol...however, alcohol won't deny itself to the alcoholic, it won't reject the alcoholic's attempt to drink it, it's readily available to him...but the source of our cravings will deny itself to us, thereforeeee making our craving just a little bit more complex.

 

 

We have to think of ways to manipulate our objects of addiction. Craving itself is not going to satisfy the urge. So now we're like a junkie in the street that will do just about anything to get their cravings met. We lose pride, dignity, self-respect. We trick our minds into believing that we have catastrophes so we have an excuse to reach out to our objects of addictions..."

 

The original post its from: link removed

 

I'll keep posting everything what i think may it be useful for me and, of course, for everyone here.

[deep_mode]

OK, First of all, the first most stressful event that can happen to you is the death of a child, and the second is loss of a spouse or life partner.

 

Someone rejecting you and moving on, in my opinion AS A WIDOW of 28 years to a man I loved very deeply and who loved me back is a very tiny drop in the ocean compared to the pain I have and other widows/widowers have felt and I am deeply offended that you use you inabilty to get over your ex and justify your obsession of him by saying that you would be better off being a grieving spouse. Think of all the lonely widows alone at the age of 80 afraid and sinking to depths you can only imagine, having being married for more that 56/60 years and the total devastation they must feel, the overwhelming grief and helplessness the feel now he has gone and you compare your loss to that?

 

I'm sorry if I come accross strongly but I am as calm as I can possibly.

 

The loss of my husband took me to places where you can only imagine and you have NO right to compare a broken-heart and your ex's rejection of you and a grieving spouse.

Forgive me, but when my husband died, I turned his brother and siad " I feel like I have just joined an elite club I didn't even know existed", and you quite frankly metalheart, are NOT a member.

 

Seek help for your obsession.

[metalheart]

Deep mode.. I wanna make some clarifications from the post:

 

My intention posting that article was to help other people here sharing some information that looked very interesting to me.

 

By other way, i didn't wanted "minimize" your grief/loss situation.. if you take personally, all i can do its apologize for that. It's true that i (afortunately) haven't lived those experiences that you've related BUT i don't have anything to do with all you're suffered.

 

And.. about this:

 

Seek help for your obsession.

 

It's been a long time since i started to do the NC, making exercise and reading ( and putting in practice on myself) about relationships, selfsteem, dating and improving myself in all the possible ways. Also i visit this space to venting/ comment when i have my "setbacks" and bad days

[healinginnyc81]

metalheart, I appreciate the post and the thought behind it. In my personal experience, the death of the person closest to me was easier to bear than the loss of my three year relationship, but that's my personal experience and I can't generalize that to someone else's experience.

 

deep mode, I'm very sorry about your loss. I don't know too many people on this forum who have experienced that great of a loss.

 

I don't think metalheart meant to claim that his pain is worse than yours or any widow/widower. I think he's saying that for a specific person it is easiER to deal with their loved one's death than that same loved one divorcing them. For instance, if that 80 year old woman had lost her husband to divorce instead of death, it would be harder for her to deal because in addition to the loss she's dealing with rejection. I agree with that but again we're talking about emotions so you really can't measure how "painful" it is.

[metalheart]

Aclaration n°2:

The content of first post wasn't mine.. its taken from the page that i named at the end of the post..

 

Just wanted to share this with all of you, its some reflexions about Love/Relationships/Breakup/Healing that i've founded on the web..

 

What im trying to say ( to avoid any ankward u offense to anybody here)its that this info is the writer opinion and research, not mine.. however i agree some of their points so thata why i posted here. To share it with all of you

 

By the way i add this comment: I've experienced the death from my grandma (15 March will be her 2 years death's conmemoration) and a few months later ( 5 months to be exact) my breakup.

 

In my case, my Grandma death affected ALL my world cause she was who raised me since i was a child until 12 years old.. then i started to taking care of her cause she was very ill..

 

The point its.. When she died, of course i felt hurted BUT due all the time she fought and suffered with all her diseases (asmathic, ulcera, heart insufficiences, etc) im really sure that it was definetly, a deserving rest for her. She was suffering so much that in some point of her last days.. Even i wished that she died so she won't suffer so much pain anymore.

 

Maybe her death doesn't hurt me so deeply cause i loved her and i helped to fight all these diseases since a long time and her body just doesnt resist anymore. TO ME, SHE FOUGHT UNTIL THE END...

 

By other hand, my ex-gf at that moment, swore eternal love and support..

I remember her words in one of this saddest mourning moments that i had me.. i love you and i want that you open your heart to me, let me share your suffering, your fears.. that why we're a couple" "If we supossed to me married, we had to share the bad and good times" "I wont let you down.. i'll be here for you ALWAYS, as you have done with me" ..

 

So i opened my self to her and.. 6 months after..

 

August 15, AT THE SAME DAY OF THE 6 MONTH'S OF MY GRANDMA'S DEATH CONMEMORATION.. SHE BROKE UP WITH ME... at the first time saying all those famous and beaten phrases: "You're a Great guy" "Its not your fault its mine" "I dont see any future for us" "I need some time and space for myself" (YEAH.. SHE USED ALL THESE!) I cried, begged, even gave her some days with no contact to give her time to think about, and after 4 days, i tried to get her back.. she also told me: "I'm not seeing anybody... I'm just centered in my career and my work" but after those 4 days when i go to talk with her personally at an institute where she was doing a course of computers.. I find her "work mate" waiting for her outside!..

 

This was THE MOST HEARTBREAKING THING I'VE EVER LIVED

 

You wanna know why!?

 

Thats because I won't play with someone feeling's make them believe that i'll be there from them, make them trust, vulnerable, open, dependant emotionally from me just to leave them in the middle of nothing, in a rollercoaster of emotions and questions.. Thats why hurt so much to me.

 

I give her my love, my support in her bad times, my respect and trust in her word.. For what!? For take this?

 

That what i wanted leave in clear. See ya everybody !

[Blue In Texas]

Metalheart, thank you for posting. I think it is excellent and will help a lot of people. I wish I had read it when I most needed it. Deep Mode, I cannot imagine the pain that you must have gone through and I won't speak as an expert. But the point is not that losing a loved one is less tragic. I don't think anyone could or would say that, and I dont't think that Metalheart meant in any way to trivialize the loss of a loved one. Nor do I think that anyone would necessarily dispute that it takes more time to get over the loss of a loved one, so in the aggregate sense the pain of losing a loved one might be greater. But it is a reasonable point that in the short term, the pain of loss coupled with the pain of rejection and the compulsion to reverse the situation could be as or more painful. It is because the loss of a loved one is so obviously painful that it helps put the overwhelming grief of a breakup into perspective for those who are grieving such a loss.

[gratefulpain]

deep im sorry to hear about your story.....

I think metal jsut cut and paste that from an article... his intention was pure...

[deep_mode]

Metal, the death of a grandparent is upsetting but it des not compare to the loss of a life partner. Even coupled with the dumping by your girlfriend x 1000, it's a poor comparsion. Forgive me, but in 30 years time when if you're unlucky enough to survive losing the person you loved for those 20 years, you will understand.

 

And Blue, I've been widowed for 3 and a half years, I've experienced rejection and a dumping by someone I cared for and IT DOES NOT COMPARE so please do not patronise me.

Think of it this way, a dumping is like a splinter being removed from your finger, whilst death of a spouse is like having your heart ripped out through your chest without anesthetic. God help you all in the future is all I can say.