A Letter to someone who will never read it

[Ecoastgirl]

There is a reason you are alone. There is a reason you haven't had anyone in your life for any length of time and I know that your ok with that. I see fleeting moments of the wonderful person I would like you to be. I think about a magical 6 months where I was the best thing in your life and you proved it to me daily. You found me at my lowest and most insecure. You showered me with attention and put me on a pedestal. You made me feel like I was important and beautiful and interesting. You were in constant contact day and night. I let my guard down with you and you dug your way into my soul. Then the manipulation started but by then I was hooked. I didn't even realize that it was happening until it was too late, until my whole being was changed. You became a drug, complete with the highs and lows. You knew what you were doing, you knew what you had in front of you and you took advantage. I am shell of what I once was. I am no longer the confident, pretty, head strong person I used to be. I am now a person afraid to say what I think, afraid to do anything wrong. You have before you a person who would have done anything for you, a person who thought more of you then herself. A person that was the perfect target for the narcissist you turned out to be.

 

I no longer dream, I no longer look around me and see beauty. I no longer enjoy the things I used to, as there is no flavor in life. I feel betrayed and used. I look back and see how things progressed in the last year and a half and each time I try to break free you pull me back in. You pour on the charm and make me realize why I loved you in the first place. You give me hope that it is all ok again. You still say that I am beautiful and that I mean a lot to you but then you slap me down again, once I am drawn back in. It all crashes back in because all you are is cruel and hurtful, impatient and demanding.

 

I want to become the person I used to be. I want to have no fear in life. I want to go for a drive and enjoy the scenery or a song on the radio. I want to pick up my brushes again and paint. I know that there is a part of me that you killed that I can never get back. I know that I will never be the trusting person I was before. I know that with the next person (if I have the strength to put myself out there again) I will be afraid to talk about anything that bothers me. I will cringe and shrink back at any outburst, however innocent. I will fear that someone else will have found me and will use me in the way you did.

 

The only way I can start to heal is to pull myself away completely. I just hope that I can find the strength to do that.

[Danny H]

Good luck Ecoastgirl, whatever that person did, you still have a very nice way of writing out how you feel, in such a way as I can understand exactly what you are saying, that in itself is a skill

 

Be strong

 

dan

[MiquelAngelo]

Wow! You have just opened my eyes to what is happening to a girl I was dating, She was in that same type of relationship before she met me..

No wonder she had such a hard time opening up to me and she kept saying things like she didn't deserve me. No wonder she no longer sees herself happy in the future.

I always told her it was so easy to talk to me but she found it hard to do.

Now I understand.

 

Thanks for that post.

[shyanne]

wonderful letter. why not send it to him, let him know what he did... that may help you heal. however, one thing i don't understand in your letter. you said he showered you with attention and put you on a pedestal. he manipulated you and took advantage until he was able to change the shell of what you once were. a confident, pretty, head strong person.... yet at the beginning of this story you said he found you at your lowest and most insecure.

[Tesseract_Witch]

Tragic, and beautifully worded; I envy the situation, acutally. It is something of interest to write about, to illustrate for everyone. Not to say I am not sympathetic, I hope you will find what you seek, but I love the fact you can, with your tale of experience, open many eyes--including my own.

[Ecoastgirl]

wonderful letter. why not send it to him, let him know what he did... that may help you heal. however, one thing i don't understand in your letter. you said he showered you with attention and put you on a pedestal. he manipulated you and took advantage until he was able to change the shell of what you once were. a confident, pretty, head strong person.... yet at the beginning of this story you said he found you at your lowest and most insecure.

 

 

yes, I suppose I should clarify this. I was in the middle of a nasty divorce which left me feeling lonely and pretty down. The lowest I HAD ever felt at the time. I knew though that with time I would be ok and could move on.

 

 

Thank you all for the replies. This was something that was very hard to write but needed to be done.

[shyanne]

i understand.. back when you were going through the divorce, you knew you would be fine with time and able to move on. this time is no different, take that same attitude and move forward. this guy wasn't worth your time. not many people are like that so i hope you can trust and be open again in your next relationship. that's important. i'm glad writing all this down helped you. your the important one here. good luck to you.

[Sad_now]

I am in the same position as you. I have been used and abused by a narcissist. He tried to get me back after TOTAL humiliation but i refused to talk. Now he is gone and I feel lonley and miss him. Yet, if he makes contact, I know it will lead to worse. I am so torn.

 

Thank you. Your letter made me feel better. Don't know why.

[Laughing Sam]

Ecoastgirl

You are one of the bravest people I know because you have got to a point where you understand and acknowledge all he has done against you. You no longer make excuses for him or look at him through rose tinted glasses. You must make the next step and start isolating him from your life, you know it will be hard and he will try to worm his way back in, but please try. You have a whole community of friends you have not yet met crossing their fingers and praying for you.

 

a mighty big E-hug from me, you are wonderful x

[southerngirl]

Thank you for sharing this. Good Luck in getting through this, and dont let him back into your heart whatever you do.

[Ecoastgirl]

Thank you all for the responses. Laughing Sam, I don't think I am brave at all. I would say that i am pretty damn scared, but each day is a new day and it (hopefully) can only get better.