I'm Jealous and Insecure!

[Jealous1]

Hi guys, i'm a new member, nice to meet you all. Thanks for listining to how i feel and my emothions!

 

I've read a couple of others posts, but i still feel the need to write my own, so i can get personal advice.

 

I've been with my partner for just over 2 years, and it has been great. we moved in about 8 months ago and things have been going really well, we get along great.

 

About 6 months ago i caught him on photo sharing sites, complimenting girls on how they look(eg "you are a babe" etc), and also recieving comments from others about himself. This made me furious and i forbid him to ever do anything like that would hurt me again as i was shattered that he would even talk to another female like that, when he wouldnt talk to me like that.

 

Anyway a few months after that i saw images on his computer of girls(everyday girls) that i would assume he still had on his machine from a while back, but i really dont know). I got jealous again.

 

About 5 months ago i had an abortion because i got pregnant, and was in no way capable of having a family due to other issues. When i was pregnant, i saw my BF looking at porn. This made me feel horrible, as i was feeling bad enough about my body as it was, and was feeling inadequte. I expressed my feelings to him, and made me realise that he didnt love me any less and all guys looked at porn. anyway i accepted that.

 

Since the whole issue with him joining phot sites etc i have been on constant look out, searching his email addresses on google and usernames he uses etc. because i am so paranoid he is doing it again, and want to know if he is looking at other women behind my back. I havent found anything by searching recently.

 

The thing that gets me really jealous, is i know what his type of girl is (as in physical looks) which is the exact opposite of me. I have brown hair, i am overwight, very rarely wear skirts/dresses as i am uncomfortable with the way my legs looks, and i am not exactly skinny. He likes girls with blonde hair, nice legs, skinny, nice clothes. I mean how am i to compete with that?

I dyed my hair blonde once because i knew he liked blonde hair on girls. It looked shocking.

I've realised now that i am not going to change myself for him by dying my hair and looking how he wants. I am my own person and shouldn't have to change to suit his preferances.

 

Anyway i see him glancing at blonde girls, and i have seen the type of porn he likes to watch (blondes) and i know he whas watched porn recently, and i am feeling really jealous.

 

I wish i was skinny, i wish i was a supermodel, and i wish i was happy with my appearance. I hate feeling like i am not adequate for my BF and when i see nice looking females in the street i get angry. I picture my BF watching them and wanting them(even if he isnt with me at the time) and i just envy those good looking girls. I remember how it was about 5 years ago - i was happy with my appearance, i had guys looking at me, and now i dont. It makes me angry. makes my blood boil and turns me really bitter.

 

I don't know what to do. I have these feelings every day.

 

Thanks for listening to my thoughts, i appreciate your ears. Please if anyone has any thoughts or have gone through the same thing, i would love to hear from you.

 

Thanks you,

Jealous1

[AwdreeHpburn]

dude, I totally feel ya.

 

While I do believe that looking at porn and finding all girls attractive is a trait men share, it does bother me when I see my husband looking at girls that don't really look like me and I find myself envying their bodies etc.

 

We have to know that we are what we are. I can lose weight (and I should to be healthy) but I trust my husband when he says he loves me. I feel that my husband is honest with me. When I stop feeling that, we'll have issues.

 

But as a lot of the guys here have said many times, guys like to look at girls. That in and of itself is not indicative of problems. The problem comes when you tell him it makes you uncomfortable and he ignores that.

 

I think he should be allowed to look (trying to forbid him from doing so is prolly like trying to convert the pope to an atheist) but he needs to have respect for you as well.

[fishrrshortae]

Hey Jealous1

 

I feel exactly the way you do. The same thing happened to me a few years back. My ex boyfriend would look at blondes all the time (I'm not one!), his ex before me was blonde and fake-boobed, and I caught him checking out blondes online and everything. It made me feel really insecure too. Sometimes I still feel that insecurity. I just wonder how your bf handles it? Does he blow you off? That would be more concerning to me than his hair-color preference...

I don't really know waht to say other than that, because I have not gotten over my own issues with physical insecurity... I just wanted to write so you know you're not alone, and it SUCKS. I would just say one thing though: A guy who loves you may look at other women, but will still remind you how cute you are to him.

[Jealous1]

Thank you so much guys.

 

I have talked to him, poured out my heart and feelings. Didn't hold back on anything... and he appreciated it. I sent him a massively long email as i didnt want to wait until i got home that night.

 

I'm glad i mentioned everything. I am going to the Dr tonight to talk to them to see how they can help me (i'm not taking drugs) i just want advice on some things i can do from a professionals perspective.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Ah yeah...porn. I had a massive thinking-out-loud post on that in Emotions and Feelings lately. It makes me feel inadequate, in fact this thread makes me cry as well.

 

I think the best/only way to handle it is to get your sense of fulfillment elsewhere. .. by that I mean that as guys cannot really be stopped looking at stuff like that, your best bet to make yourself feel valuable is not to compete with any girls but to develop yourself socially academically, intellectually and spiritually..then you wont need to feel more attractive than XYZ and dont depend on your boyfriend for validation.

 

Im trying this approach...heh. good luck

[Jealous1]

AntiLove_SuperStar - i've adopted a new attitude towards myself - i contantly am thinking to myself "if he doesn't like what i have to offer, that's not my problem, he can leave"

 

I know that sounded bitter, but that's not how it is. We love each other a lot. I am working towards how i can improve myself, and change my attitude.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Good Attitude, Sista!!