Just met this girl

[chaos]

We just met a week ago, at first we've sent a few emails, spent hours on the phone and had one dinner date where, before we knew it, the place was closing. This girl is amazing. During dinner I couldn't help thinking that somehow I won the love lottery. She's been all I've thought about for a week.

 

Now, here's the problem. Almost five months ago the girl I thought I was gonna marry left me and I was devastated. I'm over her, but I'm naturally afraid of getting hurt again. This new girl has the potential to be the greatest love of my life and that has me worried that I'm getting too attached too soon. That I'm just setting myself up to get hurt again. I'm filled with anxiety wondering if she feels the same way, when I can see her/talk to her again. I want to be able to relax and let things take there course, if it's meant to be it'll be. I want to take things slow then decide if she's really the girl for me. I could fall really hard for this girl, really fast, and while, I'm pretty sure she likes me too, without being inside her head, who knows for sure?

 

I guess what I'm wondering is, is this normal? What can I do to calm my nerves and just let things happen in their own time? I have enough self-control to not let my emotions affect my actions so I'm not worried about things getting creepy or expressing my undying love for her on the second date. But I'm spending all my time between contacts worrying if things are gonna work out and I want it to stop! Any advice/comments welcome.

 

Thanks!

 

(edited for length, I have a tendency to drone on)

[DN]

Don't let what happened in the past ruin what could be a great relationship.

 

Think of it this way - do you want to be alone for the rest of your life because you may get hurt again if you get into another relationship?

[chaos]

Of course not! But what I want is to be able to enjoy the newness of everything rather than spend all the time I'm not with her worrying if things are gonna work out. I want to stop thinking "OMG! She's the one!" when we've only had one date! If only emotions listened to logic things would be so much easier.

[DN]

Emotions tell u what we want- our rationality tells us how to get what we want.

 

So - - when you catch yourself worrying make the rational effort to stop and switch your mind from the negative to the positive. It is an exercise of will-power and is not easy. But it can be done.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Dude, you learn from the last relationship, and make the next one %100 percent better. The first cuts the deepest, so they say. Move forward, don't think negative, just go with the flow.

[Dogg]

Bro, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling bcaue I am going through the identicle sitaution with a girl that I have been seeing regularly for two weeks now. I see great things between us and I know that she likes me too, the problm is is that I too do not want to fall too hard too fast adn I can already feel it happening. I to thought that I was goign to marry my ex of about 5 months. we were together for about three and a half years until one day out of the blue she broke it off and now we no longer speak to each othewr at all. I too am over her and really enjoying this new girl immensly but I am scared to death that I am gonna do something to Mess it up...Hang in there man, just take things slow as I am trying to do and hope for the best and I'm sure that things will work themselves out.

[chaos]

Dogg, that's kind of eerie how similar our situations are. However, from your thread, it sounds like things are moving along much faster than with my situation. Unfortunately, my girl lives about 30 minutes away, and our schedules are such that there's not much time to see eachother. We've made tentative plans to see eachother again on Thursday although, I'm thinking of offering to give up one night a week of working out if it'll give us more time together. On the other hand I don't want her to think I'm willing to give up everything to spend time with her, that might scare her away. I guess it's just hard to go from thinking of planning marriage and settling down to just seeing someone once a week. But, your right, all I can do is hang in there and see what happens. I'm trying to tell myself everything happens for a reason, perhaps there's a reason things need to progress slowly? I just wish I knew for sure if/how much she likes me.

[Dogg]

yeah man, it is pretty freaky! I just hung out with "my girl" last night just to watch a movie. The strange thing is, is that there are times when I feel that I am putting in so much more effort than she is when in reality, she is the one that asked me to come over and she is the ne that calls me most of the time. What I think it is, is that we both are moving into an area that we are not used to and have not been in for quite some time and are scared to f*ck things up! I know that I like this gilr a lot, but am so worried about somehow messing things up that I let my thoughts and emotions get the best of me at times and I begin to over analyze things like a god damn psycho! When this happens, we just need to stop and think about whats going on and realize that its all in our heads....good luck to you bro!

[chaos]

That's exactly it! I'm afraid I'm going to screw everything up. I've never really dated. In the past 10 years I've only had two girls in my life one for 7 years, one for 2. So, when it comes to dating I'm clueless. I sent a text to this girl yesterday and didn't hear back from her. So, while worrying over what I did wrong I realized something. I honestly feel like I don't deserve to be happy... I can't help but wonder if that plays a factor in how much I get down on myself. All I want in life is to meet that right girl, get married, have a family. Everyone tells me what a great guy I am and any girl would be lucky to have me but... it seems the girls disagree. Anyway, after all the worrying, over-analyzing, and just general feeling sorry for myself I finally got a text from her a few minutes before midnight. She apologized, saying she fell asleep early, wasn't feeling good and would call me tomorrow. So, does she like me? I guess I still don't really know. It's been a week but there's been numerous times she said she'd call and didn't... But she has a life and things happen. I on the other hand have nothing better to do than wait for her to call... Have I screwed everything up? Well, she's still talking to me even if it all it was one txt msg, so I guess that's a good sign. Am I a freak for thinking she should be just as obsessive, analytical and easily attached as I seem to be? Yeah, I think so...

[becallamjr]

CALM DOWN. Obviously she has an interest in you, otherwise she wouldn't be seeing you again. I know what you are feeling and it is infatuation/strong emotion. You want to take things slow? then do just that. Your schedules conflict so you can take things slow. If you over analyze and try to force it to work, you will screw things up. Just be yourself, have a good time with her, and see where things progress. That is all you can do. I have a situation with this girl I was trying to see, but am not right now. I couldn't get any kind of firm answer from her, so I put the ball in her court. Told her if she wanted to making something of it, she knew where to find me. I was in your situation a week ago, but I didn't just go with the flow because I'm not that type of person. I'm a straight forward, say it like it is, kind of guy. I may have ruined my chances, so don't make the same mistake.

[mystik]

Anyway, after all the worrying, over-analyzing, and just general feeling sorry for myself I finally got a text from her a few minutes before midnight. She apologized, saying she fell asleep early, wasn't feeling good and would call me tomorrow. So, does she like me? ...

 

If she had no interest whatsoever she wouldn't have texted u back. As a girl, you'll have to trust me on that one.

 

But also trust me when I say that if you come off as obsessive and desperate, it'll scare her off and doesn't make you look very attractive. She will not be sticking around... So no matter how crazy you are feeling, don't let it show!! Calm down and just go with it. Come here and vent about your thoughts/emotions until they cool off a little...do not let her know you're thinking this way!! It's always wonderful when someone is really interested like that, but don't show it until you have a good reason to (ie. you've been dating for a while) otherwise you'll scare the bejeezus outta her. Good luck

[chaos]

Haha, THAT much I know mystik. In a way though it almost makes it worse because then I worry if what I think is a cute and/or flirty msg, she'll find creepy and desperate. So, I find myself questioning everything I do/say and then I worry I'm not being myself, so I'll send her a cute/flirty msg and then I'm right back where I started. What a horrible catch 22! I really want to calm down and just go with it and stop worrying and over-analyzing everything. You guys are right, if she wasn't interested I wouldn't have heard from her. But now my mind turns to HOW interested? Probably not as interested as I am, but then I clearly have issues.

[mystik]

haha I figured you knew since you are trying to figure out how to avoid it...but just in case! hehe. Cute/flirty messages are good (not creepy, in fact very nice), but not more than maybe once a day. Unless she responds to you, then of course, reply... but otherwise, don't send them more than once a day. and if she doesn't respond maybe space them out even more. but now you're at HOW Interested? You're awesome, I love knowing that guys go crazy too You don't have issues, you're just excited. Some people choose not to share these thoughts but I think that makes them go even more mental.

 

You'll know how interested sooner or later..and don't worry, we all have issues (probably why we're all here) lol.. keep us updated!

[Dogg]

thats whats great about this site and these forums, it brings all the people with issues together! In my opinion, with mine and Chaos's situation, or at least in my own, I am so freeken worried that I will inadvertantly do something stupid and the reasons for this are numerous but it all comes down to the fact that I have read and received so much advice since breakin up with my ex and I truly think that I did learn from the experience but now is the test and I'm nervous and apprehensive and yes its fun but also stressful. I guess in many ways I'm still broken and am looking for reassurance in the form of someone (this girl) telling me that I'm everything that they are looking for which is a lot to ask of someone. I too have issues, but you all truly do help because with out you all I think my brain would explode!

[becallamjr]

Can you feel that excitement? it makes us all crazy. I'm going out of my mind, thinking about my girl situation, but it's the best part. Enjoy my friend.

[chaos]

Mystik, I definitely would never send more than one a day, unless she does, in which case, I'll always send a reply. In fact, and maybe this is a little extreme, If I send a message/call her/email/whatever, I won't try to make contact until I hear from her again. I like to leave the ball in her court, so to speak. Is this a good idea? Is this something girls prefer? And yes, guys drive themselves just as crazy... probably more so because society says we're not supposed to talk about our feelings. Although, I could probably talk about mine less.

 

Dogg, what a great insight! I think you're right that, while we're over our ex's, it hasn't been all that long and we probably are still broken. We've had our hearts shattered and now we're looking for someone to be the person we thought our ex's were. But, that's our baggage to carry and it's not fair to load them down with it. Thank God this site is here... we can vent and unload all our baggage on the kind folks who've been through this stuff and want to help.

 

Becallamjr... It sounds like you've got a good healthy attitude towards it. It's nice to know even the "normal" folks drive themselves crazy.

[becallamjr]

You know, I think that putting the ball in their court is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. It's good because then you get to see results, but it is bad because it may backfire on you, like i think its backfiring on me right now. I should have just backed off a little and just been there and take things one at a time, but I can't do it! I gotta know for my own sanity.

[chaos]

From what you said it sounds like you didn't just put the ball in her court, you chucked it at her head and dared her to throw it back... You've got to toss it to them gently so they're more apt to keep playing. But then, what the hell do I know... I suck at this dating thing.

[mystik]

lol no chucking anything at anyone's head please...

 

Anyway, in response to your question chaos, I think you're doing fine. All my little warnings were unnecessary as you're clearly not sending "im CRAZY CRAZY.... for you," vibes. I think it's a good idea to wait for her response. I would prefer that too, it makes the relationship more equal. I'm not into playing games and seeing how many times a guy calls me and not returning his calls on purpose so that he chases me. I'd also be scared that he would eventually give up and it would be my fault. The girl seems to be responding to your texts tho, and apologizing when she responds much later, so she doesn't seem like that kind of girl. I'd say just continue doing what you're doing! To continue with the analogy, keep the ball bouncing back from court to court and all will be well - lol!

[chaos]

So, I sent her a text this morning saying I was sorry she wasn't feeling well and hoped she was doing better and if she needed anything to just say the word. I also emailed her some computer info since she was looking to buy one and I offered to help. Maybe I took it to far? I don't know... What I do know is that she hasn't contacted me in any way. If she's not interested, that's fine. I certainly don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me but... I just don't get what's going on... everyone tells me I'm good looking, I'm a nice guy, any girl would be lucky to have me, I could have any girl I want. Yet, whenever a girl shows any interest, they suddenly go cold with no explanation? I tried asking out a girl at work who was definitely interested, then, suddenly, she didn't want anything to do with me. Now, it seems to be happening again and I don't understand it! What am I doing or not doing? What is wrong with me? I'm a good person... I don't deserve this!

 

I don't want a lot of things in life. All I want, all I've ever really wanted, is to meet a good woman, fall in love, get married, and raise a family. I don't care about money, cars, big houses, power, fame, etc... I'm a pretty simple person, I don't think I ask too much. Millions, if not billions, of people have lived and are living the life that I want. Yet, when I look to my future, all I can see is lonliness. I see the few simple things I've ever truly wanted in life denied to me. I see my most popular moment being on the news... one of those stories about some poor guy who died weeks ago in his apartment, but no one ever noticed...

[chaos]

Sorry, I'm just venting... I know how pathetic ^that^ sounds... Truth is the only close family I have is my mom and about the best friend I have I've never met in person. Sometimes the lonliness gets to be too much to bear, especially when I can't get those thoughts out of my head... I'm feeling a little better having let it out. Besides, maybe dying alone won't be so bad.

[becallamjr]

Well, your probably right that I chucked the thing at her. So now what the f*** do I do? I'm simple too, I like making lot's of money and doing whatever I want. I'm young single and very sucessful. I was content with being single up until a few weeks ago and now I'm going out of my mind.

 

Chaos, your not gonna die alone. Love the nick you chose as it's been a nick of mine for a long time, I got it tattooed on my arm. You'll be fine, just relax and be yourself.

[chaos]

I don't know how to be anything other than myself... but thats what seems to drive all the women away... Maybe I should stop playing these * * * *ing games and just tell her how it is. That I really like her and would like to see where things go and ask her if she's interested in the same thing. Maybe you had it right Becallamjr, maybe chucking the ball at her head is a little rough, but maybe it'll wake her up... At least I'd know one way or the other.

[chaos]

Ok so... I think I mentioned that we had tentative plans to do something Thursday night. Seeing as that's tomorrow I called her cell and got dumped to voicemail. Left a message saying I just called to see how she was doing, hoped she was feeling better, and if we were still on for tomorrow cause we should probably make plans. It was all very light hearted. Two hours later, still no callback. So, I call her home phone, someone picks up. They tell me she's gone and if she comes back it won't be til late. Okay.... Now it's after 10, I get a myspace msg... She's apologizing for the way things have been, she doesn't want to come off as a flake. She's been really stressed/exhausted from work and she's just been trying to get some sleep. She's on her way to bed and will call me tomorrow after she gets off work.

 

So I sent a quick replay saying I tried to call but whoever answered said you wouldn't be home til late and "she probably didn't see you if you were sleeping I said I hope things got better and I'd talk to her tomorrow.

 

Well... I don't know what the hell is going on, but I have the sneaking suspicious I'm being lied to... Does anyone else smell bull * * * *, or is it just me? I've probably blown it but if she's lying to me already then she's not someone I want to be with anyway.

[mystik]

She's apologizing for the way things have been, she doesn't want to come off as a flake. She's been really stressed/exhausted from work and she's just been trying to get some sleep. She's on her way to bed and will call me tomorrow after she gets off work.

 

Only you will know best on whether you think she is lying or not. I really don't know if she's playing games with you. It's kind of strange because usually, if someone's playing games, they won't keep on apologizing for the way they've been acting. She seems sincere in that way. BUT actions do speak louder than words. I don't know if I smell bullsh*t lol I can totally see why you're confused! I would be too

 

Okay I think, you should see if she calls you today (thursday) after work. She said she would so the ball, yes the same one we've been talking about, is really in her court now. I think whether she calls or not will be the deciding factor if she's just messing around, show whether her words really mean anything. Let us know how it goes!