i don't know what to do with myself anymore

[sweetheart230]

I'm miserable with myself. I look in the mirror and in pictures and see someone beautiful but I still think no one will ever feel the same way about me.

 

Lots of guys have told me that I'm beautiful, even random guys i didn't know at all. But they probably just wanted sex or something or were just nice. I mean no matter how good a person I am inside, or how sweet and fun and clever I am, no one will ever want me except for sex. No one cares at all. No matter what anyone tells me or what I see in the mirror, I'm not pretty enough for anyone good. I used to think I looked so beautiful but now i just think that guys think i'm ugly and will just want to use me and treat me bad and ignore me and make me feel worthless. maybe thats why he never comforted me when i was upset cause the sex hurt so bad.

 

I don't think other people see me the same way I do. I think I look in the mirror and see something completely different and more beautiful than other people see. I think my mind wants to believe it so bad that it makes me believe I'm really pretty when I'm just average and plain and not special. Guys stare at me and check me out constantly but i mean its cause i'm 21 and in college.

 

I feel like no one finds me beautiful except me. I havn't even flirted with a guy since december cause i don't think he'd want me to. literally since december.

 

I feel like I have a lot to give. but no one gives a sh*t b/c they don't like me on the outside. like i have 34D Breasts, small waist, big lips, really high cheekbones but my nose isn't good and maybe my eyes are too asian. I really want to get plastic surgery on my face. I always thought it was beautiful and I always thought people agreed cause they told me i was pretty a lot, but maybe i was wrong, you know? Maybe I'm just insane like my boyfriend used to say i was.

 

i want to feel happy about myself, but how can i when i don't even know if what i see in the mirror is right? i just feel like i have a lot to give and i want someone warm and givng too, but all anyone is going to want is a blow job from me and then they'll just throw me out and find someone who is actually pretty instead of someone like me who is just deluded enough to think she is.

 

my therapist said iw as pretty but he kind of has to. imean what the hell is he going to say "you're ugly and crazy what is wrong with you...oops out of time, seeya next week!"

 

 

 

Ok, update. I realized today that I'm psycho and lots of guys pay attention to me and I'm just too self absorbed and concerned wit how i look to notice it. And hotornot is really dumb. My rating was back to like a 7 tonight. How does that even happen? How do some people give me a 1 and others a 10. ARe these people on crack or something?

[lifeiscash]

I honestly believe your problem lies in your self esteem. You are contradicting yourself, you say that you think you are beautiful but then you write about how everyone thinks your worthless, other than sex. Well if you think people think that about you then you must have some concept to believe them if you are posting about that anyway. It lies in your self esteem which is hurt right now from your ex boyfriend.

 

Fact is, you have an idea that you are pretty because guys check you out, but the problem is deeper, on an inner issue level. You seem like you are stating that no matter what in life guys are going to use you. I'm in college right now and let me tell you that most guys around the age of 21 is not looking for a personal self fullfilling commitment that brings up a parnter in a successful relationship. Guys at that age are just not mature like women that age, not all however. Perhaps you are expecting to much from guys at that time, it might have to do with a security issue deep down. Whatever the reason just realize that the problem does not lie in you. It takes two people to have a problem and you evaluate the situation and act accordingly. In other words don't put total blame on yourself but realize that in relationships its a two way street, and sometimes you get what you dont expect... which could be a bad/good thing depending how you look at it.

[ocrob]

I am sure that you are beautiful and you have to give guys a chance to get to know you. You seem paranoid about guys wanting to have sex with you. The reality is the guys that just want to have sex usually will give up after a few dates. I am guessing that a lot of guys would spend the time to get to know you. Just because you are paranoid don't give up on meeting someone special. You can meet guys and get to know them and don't have to have sex. It is a personal choice. You are sabotaging getting to know people. There is nothing wrong with dating a man and getting to know him. If you don't want to have sex, then don't. Most guys will not stick around, if they don't get sex. My ex went through a phase where she got very religious and did not want to have sex anymore. I stuck around because I loved her. Yes, us guys love sex, but we also appreciate a good woman. Well, some of us do. Everyone is different and you can't lump a sex or ethnicity or anything else together. That is called prejudice. Everyone is different and I am sure there is a guy out there that will like you for you.

[sweetheart230]

i used to be happy with myself until every guy in my life treated me like an ugly piece of crap who was worthless. i used to feel so special and pretty before all these men came along. I used to believe in everything.

 

 

nobody even wants to date me. probably cause i'm unapproachable and never smile or flirt. i used to be so open to people. i'm not scared of getting hurt anymore, i just think that no one wants me cause i'm not as pretty as i've deluded myself into thinking. why would a guy want someone not pretty? Of course he does. I don't want to be wiht someone who doen'st ifnd me pretty. but i just think no one will ever see me the way I see me.

[PocoDiablo]

Here's my opinion.

 

I have met my fair share of "beautiful" women, and then one thing I have almost universally discovered about them is that *some* of them rely almost entirely on their looks to get by. The problem is that when they open their mouth, they are boring, depressing, self-centered, are nags, overly demanding, or any other number of negative personality traits any person can have. They are, quite literally, a waste of my time. I have some high standards for the women I am with, but looks are only a tiny portion of that list. Sure, you have to "look" like I like - everyone has that standard - but if I take you on a date and you cannot carry on a normal conversation without breaking down or are cold to me, I could care less what you look like.

 

From what you've said here, you sound like you sit in front of a mirror and obsess about your looks. Sure, we all should try to be presentable to some extent, but this is something that a lot of my guy friends obsess about too. The thing they are all forgetting is their social skills need a LOT of work.

 

About three weeks ago I met a young guy who is average looking. He broke up with his GF of 3.5 years and was miserable because he could not seem to find a new GF, or even someone he wanted to talk to. So we worked on his social skills, his body language, his flirting, everything about him that he *presents* to people. Now I just found out that he's been having much greater success with women. Why? Because he pulled his head out of the hole in the ground he was sticking it in and realized that his *attitude* is what was causing all the problems.

 

I don't know you at all, so I could be really off base here, but from what you've said here you have totally turned off your social skills. You admit you don't flirt with guys, yet wonder why no on talks to you. You admit that you are essentially cold and distant with people, and then wonder why you are alone. You admit that you let guys use you for sex, and then wonder why you haven't found a great guy. It sounds like you go from cold to hot - off to on - and never take the time to do something the right way - slowly.

 

Assuming you are a woman who is of normal attractiveness, guys will hit on you. Guess what? If you don't learn how to date guys and know what your limits are, they will take advantage of you. The guys who just want a BJ or sex, and who get it, are only doing what you are letting them do to you. Now, of course, you need to snap out of the mentality of "Well then I will never sleep with another guy again!" because that's the whole black-and-white mentality again.

 

So what do you need to do? Well, you need to understand that almost any guy who comes up to you and tells you how pretty you are is probably just looking for sex. And unless you want to be treated like a sex object, you have to be SMARTER than that. You have to weed out the idiots. Most of the guys that have the guts to hit on you like that are just looking for a quick lay. So you need to start thinking about flirting with guys who (1) you like and (2) ask you on a date. If you go on the date, take your time to get to know him. And DON'T sleep with him or make out with him on the first date - maybe not even on the third date.

 

You also need to do a better job of screening these guys. Are they gentlemen? Do they restrain themselves from making sex-related comments(Good) or are they making crude sex jokes(bad)? Are they looking you in the eye (good), or at your body (bad)? Do they touch you repeatedly (bad) or do they respect your space (good)? Do they stare at other women (bad) or do they focus on you (good)? Do they get into a good conversation with you (good) or do they just make jokes and never disclose anything about themselves (bad)? Do they take you on a fancy and expensive date (bad) or keep it simple and inexpensive so they can just talk to you and get to know you as a person (good)? Are they braggarts (bad) or are they polite (good)?

 

Probably one of the biggest issues I see is that you are completely lacking in self-esteem and self-worth, and probably self-respect. As a result, you may seek out attention from guys in order to validate being "pretty" and then you end up having sex. Of course, in the short term it validates you not being alone, but then you get dumped because you acted needy and desperate, slept with some guy, and then he tells all his friends you are "easy" and you get a reputation. His friends spread the word and pretty soon all the vultures come out of the woodwork to take advantage of you.

 

Here's something to think about. Can you have male friends with whom you don't sleep with? Do you have any? And I mean the kind of guys with whom you can go out drinking, clubbing, shopping, etc. and not have to worry about them taking advantage of you. You may want to hang out with some of your girlfriends and their BF's so you can be part of a group. You then should stop looking in the mirror so much and start asking yourself why you don't have good enough social skills to just be friends with people.

 

Chances are you are like so many people I know who never learned anything from their parents on how to get along in the social world. Well, you are going to have to step up to the plate and learn how to be confident, learn how to blow off the idiot guys with the idiot lines, and find an older guy who actually cares about who you are as a PERSON.

 

Might I also suggest you stop being so depressed, especially with guys. If you tell one of these so-called "vulture" guys all your problems, they will simply tell you everything you want to hear "Oh, no, you're a beautiful and wonderful woman, and I think you're great!" and then you fall for it, and sleep with them as a reward! Make these guys actually WORK to be intimate with you. Don't tell them your life story and then eat up everything they say in return, find out about them. And don't just take their word for it, ask around and find out on your own. I could tell you I'm Mr. Wonderful, when in fact I might be married with two kids and cheating on my wife. How will you know that? You wouldn't, unless you got to know me well enough to get invited to my house, or met some of my friends, or whatever.

 

So, my take on it is that you need to stop looking in the mirror and start looking inside yourself and get some standards for guys.

 

You're an adult in an adult world, you have to step up to the plate and learn the rules of adult life or you will get treated like a child. It's a tough lesson, but it's the truth.

 

At least, that's my take on it. Does anything ring true? I could be totally off base, of course, because I don't know anything about you, and have never seen how you act around people, but from what I gather here you need to ditch the self-pity and do some self improvement.

 

And guess what? We all have to do that - it's called growing up, and it takes most of us a long time.

[sweetheart230]

Someone on this forum suggest I put my picture on link removed.

 

I was right. I'm an ugly piece of * * * *. I went to bed and my rating was like 7.2 and I woke up and it was 4.5. Some people actually thoguth I was a 1. Well I guess I know I'm right. i wasn't wearing any makeup in the pic, but i thought it was a nice one.

 

I guess my ex was right. I'm not attractive at all. I've only slept with him and one other guy. I don't have sex wtih the guys who told me I was beautiful.. they weren't in a that kind of situation. They're liers anyway i gues, aren't they. Don't tell me that site isn't true. Most the girls are accurately ranked.

 

god really must have f-ed me up. How does the face of a 21year old asian girl with big lips, high cheekbones and nice eyes and a little nose wind up ugly? Seriously. No wonder no guy wants me. i am crazy to think i'm beautiful. i look like brigitte bardot with asian eyes. apparently that's pretty damn ugly. or maybe i'm just deluding myself like i always seem to do.

 

why did everyone lie to me. All my guy friends who said I was hot and a few i met when I was out (and not dressed trampy). Why do people say this to me. Why did my therapist lie to me. why can;t they just be honest and tell me i'm not good looking.

 

no one's ever gonna want to get to know me. who wants someone who's totally unattractive. i used to feel so good about myself. i used to think i was pretty. why did people let me believe this when its so obviously not true.

 

i guess i should be glad i got used for sex, huh? painful inconsiderate sex where you get left alone is better than not knowing, right? no one's ever gonna want to be good to me and give me the love and respect i deserve. why would they? my looks just repel everyone i guess. i guess i'm not a pretty girl with a bad attitude. i'm just normal and ugly and average and that's what repels them.

 

i guess i imagine all the guys interested in me.

 

i should have never gon eon that website, but at least i know the truth now. i really aws too ugly for him and for any decent guy.

 

i'm glad i know the truth now. i don't ahve to go on thinking i'm pretty and expecting guys to like me anymore. don't give me * * * * about the inside counting. it counts to me, but obviously no one else cares who i am on the inside cause i used to be happy and open, but i guess i was still too plain to get any attention.

 

he was right. after all this time thinking he was bad, he was right to say i wasn't attractive at all. how could i have been so stpuid and deluded to think i was beautiful? how stupid am i.

 

i'm so done with everything.

[sweetheart230]

and guys hit on me a lot, weven when i'm sober. i look in th emirror and see someone who's really beautiful.

 

But a 4.5! What the hell. i actually got ranked 1 by some people. no wonder i spent the good part of my youth wishing i was blond and white. god. How could I be so wrong in what I see? Could I have a chemical imbalance or something? why do guys like stare at me all th etime? am i imagining this, too?

[RayKay]

Did you actually read Poco's post? I suggest you read it many times over as it was brilliant and I would absolutely listen and learn from that advice.

 

Hotornot is an absolutely stupid place to put your pic up - unless you like being judged by people whom get off on putting others down regardless of how attractive they are.

 

You do have deep self esteem issues that have absolutely nothing to do with your appearance. What makes someone beautiful is what shines through their physical appearance....how you look is only part of the equation. Most people are going to be far more attracted to the girl with the confident smile & friendly attitude then the one scowling, sulking in the corner and sending off messages that they hate men. The last one can be "average" looking, and the latter can look like Heidi Klum...but guess whom is going to be approachable and more fun to be around?

 

Men don't just think with their penis, contrary to the stereotypes.

[lgirl]

1) what you see in the mirror is not a reflection of how you really look, but a reflection of your state of mind. you are depressed right now, which is why you think you look so ugly. it is yr depression that you see reflected in the mirror

 

2) beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so you are wasting your time worrying no man will ever find you attractive. there is someone for everyone.

 

3) a person's worth does not depend on their looks.

 

4) there is more to life than conforming to some physical ideal. what if you were in an accident and ended up disfigured, what would you do then? would that make you worthless?

 

stop obsessing about yr looks and concentrate on improving your self-esteem.

[PocoDiablo]

Okay, let's go a little more in depth if you don't mind.

 

Someone on this forum suggest I put my picture on link removed.

 

I was right. I'm an ugly piece of * * * *. I went to bed and my rating was like 7.2 and I woke up and it was 4.5. Some people actually thoguth I was a 1.

Hello? Let me give you some advice about link removed. That is a site where about 22,000,000 single guys go to look at pictures of hot chicks. They are alone, have no social skills, and are probably about 14 years old. In order to see the most pictures of women they simply click "1" every time so they can get through the site quickly. When they do find an attractive woman, I guarantee they don't try to contact you because they think (1) you're too "good" for them (2) you get a million other emails and will ignore them, rejecting them and essentially crushing their non-existant ego, and (3) they figure they have to be some ultra-hot super stud for you to pay any attention to them at all and (4) they don't have the social skills to strike up a conversation with you anyway.

 

Bottom line? Hot or not is fully of a bunch of pre-pubescent, horny, pathetic little boys. I should know, I spent years on that site and I did the exact same thing. For reference, I usually gave everyone a 7 or a 5, unless they were some super model.

 

Now, on to point two about hot or not. If you do not put up your absolute BEST picture on that site, you WILL get a lower score. This is simple animal psychology. You have a bunch of horny monkey boys and they want to see hot chicks. I would bet you that if you put up three different pictures, you would get three VASTLY different rankings. I know I did - I put up three different pictures and got rankings from 3 to 8. Go figure.

 

And don't forget, the one's are *probably* from other women who are just being mean. Screw 'em!

 

Well I guess I know I'm right. i wasn't wearing any makeup in the pic, but i thought it was a nice one.

Unless it was a supermodel shot, it won't be good enough. For reference, I knew a friend who was a model. He was a GREAT looking guy. He told me that on a photo shoot if they got ONE good picture out of a roll of 24 shots, it was lucky. That is why photographers take HUNDREDS of pictures. For my wedding the photographer say he takes an average of 7,000 pictures and if we are lucky we will get about 50 that are good. 50 out of 7,000? That's crazy, but that is the reality of the camera. If you're going to be a so-called expert on beauty, you need to start paying attention to the reality of it.

 

I guess my ex was right. I'm not attractive at all.

Sounds like your ex was a mean spirited person to tell you that. His comments, if they are true, were only used to control and belittle you. Besides, he's your ex - why would you listen to him?

 

Rule of thumb - if you don't absolutely trust or love someone, and they say something mean, IGNORE THEM. I run a very large and popular site and believe me, I get some NASTY emails. They are just being petty and are most likely jealous, so I have learned to ignore them. Yeah, it's hard, but what am I going to do? Listen to a bunch of angry child-like idiots? Not a chance!

 

I've only slept with him and one other guy. I don't have sex wtih the guys who told me I was beautiful.. they weren't in a that kind of situation. They're liers anyway i gues, aren't they.

Not that they are liars, but they are using your perceived weakness for their gain. Most of the attractive women I have talked to hate that line, and won't give any guy who says that time of day. Why? Because it's immature at best, and shallow at worst. What about you as a person? You've got a brain, you have a personality, you have likes and dislikes. So what if you are beautiful - if you like punk rock I'm not going to date you. People need to have common interests, too!

 

Don't tell me that site isn't true. Most the girls are accurately ranked.

Bull. Any woman who shows cleavage or is wearing a bikini gets ranked higher. Any woman who acts sexual gets ranked higher. Plain and simple. Try it for yourself.

 

god really must have f-ed me up.

God helps those who help themselves.

 

How does the face of a 21year old asian girl with big lips, high cheekbones and nice eyes and a little nose wind up ugly? Seriously. No wonder no guy wants me. i am crazy to think i'm beautiful. i look like brigitte bardot with asian eyes. apparently that's pretty damn ugly. or maybe i'm just deluding myself like i always seem to do.

Are you getting tired of beating yourself up yet? So much self-pity here. It's a very interesting tool that you use to get attention from folks. In a way, I would suspect that this subtle form of passive aggressiveness and manipulation is a tactic which you use to get attention from folks. The problem is that you are not being fun to be with. Misery loves company, but most people don't like miserable company. People want to smile, laugh, flirt and have fun. Don't you?

 

why did everyone lie to me. All my guy friends who said I was hot and a few i met when I was out (and not dressed trampy). Why do people say this to me. Why did my therapist lie to me. why can;t they just be honest and tell me i'm not good looking.

Why don't you post up your BEST picture so we can give you some honest feedback. Of course, I almost would rather not ask because clearly the issue is not your looks, but your personality.

 

no one's ever gonna want to get to know me. who wants someone who's totally unattractive. i used to feel so good about myself. i used to think i was pretty. why did people let me believe this when its so obviously not true.

I tell you what, if I went on a date with you and all you did was talk about yourself like this you can bet I wouldn't want to hang out again. It's self-centered and boring. Yes, you need to work on your social skills, but unless you actually take a step to do something about it then anyone who tries to offer an opinion is wasting their time. I think most people recognize that.

 

.... everything else...

You know, you need someone to come up and shake you by the shoulders. You're stuck on a broken record of beating yourself up.

 

How about try opening up, how about try to realize that your looks have nothing to do with it? None of us has seen what you look like but recognize you have a lot going on inside for one reason or another.

 

What's really going on? Should I start taking guesses? Parents divorced or were verbally abusive to you? Were they emotionally distant to you, so you're in an adult world with child-like social skills?

 

I think you need to calm down. Have some dip. Relax. Think about what you could do to be a better person to those around you. It's hard to spend time giving you advice to have it ignored.

 

You didn't even say thanks... that says a lot...

[sweetheart230]

Ok, I usually thank everyone for their advice. I was just having a very off night.

 

Look, I have a wonderful personality. Yeah, I delve into self pity, but no one knows about except me and the people on this website. My friends think I'm fun, sweet, gracious and incredibly generous. I'm very interested in other people and very talented. I'm just shy and reserved with guys to a fault and I've been used a lot b/c of low self esteem. Everyone I know thinks I have a high opinion of myself.

 

I just have a secret obsession with my looks and a hidden, but paralyzing fear that no guy will love me for all of me and that my face is really just ugly.

 

I have good social skills. Everything comes easily to me... I almost always get my way b/c people like me so much. I earned probably half of the A's I got in high school, the rest were b/c I "convinced" teachers to help me out a little. My parents were great.. but my dad died when I was young. I guess I never had any kind of approval or love or affection from a man growing up. I don't remember what its like for a man to love me.

 

I'm just terrified that I'll never be loved for me. That's the bottom line.

[lgirl]

I'm just terrified that I'll never be loved for me. That's the bottom line.

if you keep focusing on your looks, how will anyone know who the 'real' you is?

[sweetheart230]

I just feel like no one will want to know the real me unless they like the outside, too. I want to be loved for all of me, outside and inside.

[PocoDiablo]

I just have a secret obsession with my looks and a hidden, but paralyzing fear that no guy will love me for all of me and that my face is really just ugly.

Yeah, I think we've noticed that. It's so interesting to me, though, that you focus on something you cannot change. I mean, I'm 6' 4" and I would love to be a little shorter and more built. Everyone wants to be different in some way. Some things you have to let go of though.

 

I have good social skills. Everything comes easily to me... I almost always get my way b/c people like me so much.

And because you are attractive. Don't forget that part. Studies show that more attractive people tend to do better in many areas of their lives, from school to careers, so maybe you should check that out...

 

I earned probably half of the A's I got in high school, the rest were b/c I "convinced" teachers to help me out a little.

Shameless flirting? Tsk, tsk. (Just kidding!)

 

My parents were great.. but my dad died when I was young. I guess I never had any kind of approval or love or affection from a man growing up. I don't remember what its like for a man to love me.

Bingo. That is what I was thinking. Me, personally, my Mom died when I was just figuring things out socially, and her abscence left me very emotionally and socially stunted. That can be a HUGE factor in this, and it's clear you know about it.

 

So what are you going to do about it now? In my case, I spent a lot of time learning how to be social, how to grow up and be mature, all that stuff. I think if you spent half the time spent on self pity reading books on how to be more social, more mature, and spending time with people who are also more social and more skilled than you are, you may find another method of learning how to grow up. Your "bad day" display was very child like to me, in the way that a young child would act to get approval or punishment from a parent. It was you reaching out for what you have lost, in my opinion.

 

While I am pleased to hear you have not slept around aimlessly and feel guilty about that, you may want to think about who you are dating. If you are dating younger men, you may find that they are not mature enough for you. I would bet money that you would be much happier with a man that provided more structure and control in your life, to some extent, like a father figure. Those kind of guys are hard to find as far as I can tell, but they do exist. You just have to look out for the guys who want to completely crush your spirit (like the ex, it sounds) and dump them fast. Never reward anyone who treats you poorly by sticking around for further punishment.

 

I'm just terrified that I'll never be loved for me. That's the bottom line.

Meh, you sound like a nice enough person, and I only know you from a bad day. How horrible can you be, really? We all have our little dark secrets, our insecurities, but if you take your time and find a quality partner you'll probably be just fine. If you settle for the first guy who comes along, you probably won't be so fine. It's your choice in life to make good decisions, though, and only you can do it.

 

So what steps are you going to take to get moving along here? Maybe throw away your mirrors? I used to have a problem with my looks (believe it or not) and finally got rid of all the mirrors I could, and it worked wonders. The less I look at myself, the happier I am.