Need Advice on what to do

[aving21]

Have posted a similar topic but not about this particular advice.

I have been with my gf for 3 1/2 years. I love her more than i could ever imagine loving some one. But things turned a bit bad and we became co dependent on each other which caused her to pull away and want time out on her own. Now a year ago we talked about how if we ever broke up we would stay friends with benefits and eventually end up getting back together. We always talked about this like it would really happen. But last week she said she wanted to be on her own. But still wants me in my life because im her best friend and she loves me so much. And i said you cant just have me as a friend i need to heal. So we ended up seeing each other a week later and had a good time and ende dup making love in which she was VERY possesive and passionate. I could see an inner struggle in her like this is not what she wants. But we do need time to settle out our individual problems. But heres the thing. Should i wait NC for her to realize that shereally wants me. Or should i continue on as FWB and just hope for a respark in the future. I know i have alot of issues and really need to think about myself. But would being FWB hurt more or should i follow my heart in thining she is coming back sooner than she thinks. She says she sees us down the road back together but now now. What do i do. Im not heartbroken but not happy. She looked so confused in our last passionate moment because i saw the side of her that still wants me cry out. Do i go NC till she calls? or do i continue on. Im about to apply for a job that will basically give me no free time at all. So what do i do with this. I feel in my heart that she is struggling and will changer her mind. But i cant help wanting her touch. Does a long term relationship that dongrades into FWB have a chance of stepping up again? Or would i begin to only see her as a friend i make love to. She says im th eonly one she sees herself sleeping with because in her mind sex is the ultimate trust and that i have her heart. So what do i do.

[Darketernal]

This advice is something i got from a woman who had been married for over 50 years.

 

A relationship is about being together, but still being able to do your own thing.

 

Its called 'freedom within boundries' , and if you clamp to hard on her she will have this suffocating feeling that she has now. Everything in the universe attracts or repelles for certain reasons, i would just give her a 3 week break, and cut down on seeing her in half time after that compared to the amount of times that you are currently seeing her now. When she is with you, you need to make her 'happy' not suffocate her. Its delicate but try to find a balance in that ok?

[OceanEyes]

Is she about your age? If so, then her behaviour is a lot like mine would have been at 18-19-20. If you guys do end up staying together, then trust me, your relationship is going to change so much in the next 5 years that you won't even remember what you were like in the beginning. This is a pretty transitional phase for both of you (I don't mean that in a condescending way either - transitions occur at various times of life).

 

So, she's telling you that she needs to be "on her own". It's possible that she really does just want some breathing room for a little while, some time to herself to really go out and do what she wants. On the other hand [and you may not like what I'm about to say], she may be bored of your relationship.

 

If you keep having sex with her with 'no strings', you may be asking for trouble. Have you given some thought to how you'll feel when she starts going out with her friends all the time? What if she meets some other guy? Just be careful and think this through.

[aving21]

The thing is she wants "time off" But still wants me around because she loves me. She says we still have fun and teh relationship is great but she just doesnt want to have to worry about anything right now but still loves me. Yah she is 18 19 in november. She said she wants no other guy because she still loves me...And if she wants to move on she would end any intimate relationships we had. But i think i will wait for her to come around. Because she doesnt seem to know exactly what she wants amd she seems to be more fighting with herself than "knowing" so ill let her figure things out.

[NJRon]

FWB is only good when you are just friends to begin with. It's nearly impossible to go FWB right from a relationship... too confusing.

 

She is giving you mixed signals because she can't make a commitment either way. the only way for her to commit, to you or not, is to take yourself out of the picture with NC. Otherwise you will go FWB until one, or the other, finds someone else... and then the drama *really* starts.

[aving21]

Im not gonna sit around waiting for her. I am trying to get a job that will pay nice for me and take up most my time. Im trying to get done with my school so i can transfer a year early. I just know in my mind that she is coming back. Because i know she isnt even sure. But i can do fine for now. And will move on if i have to. I just have to hold on to the fact she still loves me and i cant forget that.

[aving21]

I know the situation i just dont like how she left me confused. Id rather have a defined emotion ratehr than being so confused. She showed she wanted me why would she do that??? I can move on and sort time off. I am doing NC for that as well. So that every time im sad i dont have to pick up the phone and call her and freak out if shes not there. I know cutting myself from her will solve my own problems. But How do i get this temporary feeling out of my head when it feels so strong in my heart. Like i will move on i will take all the time to solve my own issues. But why is that feeling so strong in my heart since i could tell she sstill wants in this just not as she is. Is this feeling bad? Will it slowly fade away until i realize im not waiting. IM NOT WAITING. Im not thinkning every day shes gonna call crying saying she wants me back thats not my thought process it just feels temporary. And in it being temporary i cant either feel sad or happy. Id rather her say we have no future then i think we will but not now. Because then i would heal and it would all come back around. But noo it has to feel temp.

[aving21]

I just dont like how it feels temporary. Id rather have either confirmations. But she cant even give herself one. I want to go on and assume we wont be back together so i can heal. But it just feels temporary. And i cant stand it because i cant feel hurt or happy. How long will this go on. will i subconsciously move one? Or will i give up and go through pain that i should be goign through now. I was so hurt up until Friday then what she did gave it that temporary feeling. I hate this

[NJRon]

no.. you hvae to consciously move on... if you don't, you will be crying about it a year later. It's over. There is no such thing as a break. A relationship is either on or off. Right now, it's off... so proceed as if it is off.

 

If, in the future, it turns on.. well, it won't be the same relationship.

[aving21]

Whether a break or breakup it still feels temporary. I guess ill just busy myself out of thinking about it and eventually the feeling will go away.

Another thing is do women find a man in loss attractive? I havent been myself at class and i am getting more female attention than i have had in a long time.

And the sight of an attractive girl or a smile just creates a pit in my heart.

Like after class on Friday a girl approaches me and says hey ive never seen you around before and i thought she was gorgeous so i couldnt even look at her i laughed then walked away.

[NJRon]

to answer your questions...

 

1. It's not temporary

2. Only women you don't want to get involved with find someone who is pathetic... attractive

3. If it creates a pit in your heart, it's a little early.

4. Don't laugh at gorgeous women and walk away... unless you are married to them.

 

Cheer up guy. It's not the end of the world. Too early to dat e though and your feelings are totally natural.

[aving21]

So i hear from her close friend today. She tells me that she thought it wa steh hardest descision and bla bla and that she misses me. And how i am being unfair about how i say all or nothing. That why would i give up on her after so much weve been through. I GIVE UP ON HER?????? * * *. she tells her she wants me back after awhile and that she doesnt want to lose me during her time alone because i am her best friend and the only person who cares about her. Sigh this just gets more and more complicated on my damn head.

[NJRon]

It's not complicated... they are speaking weird women speak.

 

(no offense to the many fine women on this board )

 

You are right. All or nothing. Tell her friend that SHE is being unfair for putting you on the side. You are not a hairdryer, to be turned on at her convenience.

[aving21]

I told her im not talking to her because it would basically be me talking to her through my friend....I wont contact her. If she calls whichi think she will i will tell her that but if it works we still have hardcore * * * * to work out and we still have to find our way on our own. So basically she wants me as her best friend intimacy and always there for her. But doesnt want to worry about my feelings? Does she realize how stupid and selfish that is? Will she realize what she wants is basically me back? And will i even want her back. I love her to death but...Im not a fan on mind games. And if this girl loves me like she says she does then i guess she needs to make up her damn mind. Can i tell her this? or does she need to figure it out on her own.

[NJRon]

Don't tell her anything... read some other posts on here. move on. it sucks and it's tough.. but keep it to yourself.

[aving21]

I just dont understand if your having a conflict within yourself how can you say either or to some one if your not sure. Why didnt she think it out to what she actually wants Instead of trying to balance me on the fence till she figures it out. But its true she has no solid friends. No family to go to and she has always gone to me for everything. I feel so bad leaving her in the dirt but i feel so bad for her leaving me on the fence. So now i have descided i wont contact her unless she has a problem then ill determine if its worth it to help her or if its just her wanting to talk. If she never calls. I never will and i will slowly move on. The thought of some one that KNOWS they love me makes me smile. Just part of me wants it to be her since she was my first and i hers.

[NJRon]

When someone says yes, they mean yes

 

When someone says no, they mean no.

 

When someone says maybe, they don't have any desire toward yes or no. They have no ability to commit to either yes... or no. thereforeeee... it's a no. It is a no until they come to you and say yes.

 

Don't wait for her to come to you and say yes, it may never happen. Assume it's a no. Move on. You can deal with a yes later, and you'll be dealing with the 'no' now.

[aving21]

You can deal with a yes later, and you'll be dealing with the 'no' now.

that is the most helpfull thing i have yet to hear....

IF i get over her its like its ended and if she comes back then thats a whole diff thing.....i see