Hope or more pain.

[barnettac]

I've recently posted that my wife left me because she didn't feel the same way about me as she used to. We have 3 boys together and have been married for almost 5 years. I live in Anchorage Ak and she went to move to Oregon. I recently went down to Oregon for 2 weeks to try to work things out and see my kids. I told her that I was gonna go to counceling down there and she agreed to go with me. When we went she refused to do any of the activities with me. But she agreed to spend the time I had down there with the kids together. In turn she wanted no physical touch on my part(hug, kiss, holding hands). Said she didn't want me to get false hope that she wanted me back. I agreed and as hard as it was not to try to get close we spent time together with the kids. We had a good time mostly, but every once and awhile I would slip up and bring up the relationship or hug her when I was leaving. She told me she wants to wait 6months before doing anything legal, but she doesn't want me to wait for her. Of course thats not gonna happen and she knows that I will wait regardless of what she says. We later got into a fight and I asked her if she really wants to divorce me. She told me yes, and then I asked "Then why are wanting to wait 6months before doing anything!" She just told me she doesn't know why. I left it at that and left before digging myself deeper in the hole. Right before I left to come back up here we agreed that I talk to the kids every night and leave our talks to goodnight and I love you(she still tells me that). Once a week we will talk about how the kids are doing and every 2 weeks will be about us and our relationship. I dont want to push her in anyway. When I got home I went on myspace and looked at the list of her friends and found out who the guy was that she had expressed feelings for. It was one of her friends that she said it wasn't. Before she left me she swore and promised that she wouldn't talk to the guy that she felt this way with(didn't know who it was at the time). I instantly got angry and called her and asked why she lied to me and why she would promise that she wouldn't talk to him and not mean it. She told me that she was still talking to him, but they were just friends and it is nothing more that that. I asked her if she still have feelings for him and she said yes a little. Frustrated and angry I cut the talk short and did something very stupid. I got into her account and read her messages towards him. I found out some things I didn't like, but at the same time felt bad because I just betrayed her trust by invading her privacy. So I called her and told her what I did and told her I was sorry, that I did it out of anger and frustration. I told her that we need to be honest with each other from this point on or any relationship with or without our marraige will be close to nothing. Right now I feel hurt beyond belief. Ive never kept anything from her and I dont understand why she would keep secrets from me. She says she wants to wait 6months, but why? Should I see it as a sign of hope that I will get my family back or just another dead end road with more pain. Doing the NC thing is so difficult to do when you have kids. I dont want to push her away from me any more than she is, but at the same time I want to know the truth about what has gone on in the past few months to make her change. Right now I worry about the kids and her. She has a part time job and is living in an apartment. 3 kids with day care is expensive and as much as I want to just give the kids and her everything I have, I'm obligated to the bills and house she left behind when she left me. I dont know where my kids will be in 2 months. I dont want my family living in poverty, as much as she thinks she will be happy that way.

[fishrrshortae]

I hate to say it, but maybe you should go right back to the account and print out what you found. In case there is a divorce, you may realistically need this proof. Or maybe not. Either way, I would consult an attorney immediately to find out what your options are.

 

So from the post, for whatever reason, it sounds as if this other guy is one of the big(gest) issues here. This does not matter, it is ultimately irrelevant. What is most important to me, reading your post, is what will happen to your kids. Obviously moving and being separated from you is going to be a big problem for them. Realistically, I would focus less on you and your wife and more on you and your children. Again, this is something to discuss with a good attorney.

 

It is plainly selfish of your wife to ask you to wait, and to have "relationship" discussions with you. I think it's time for her to make a decision once and for all. And you also need to decide for yourself if you are still willing to be with her. If you both want to work on things, she needs to figure out whatever her issues are instead of seeking comfort with someone else. If she insists on making you wait, I would walk away for good.

 

What has happened to you is very unfair, mostly to your kids. I hope for their sake everything works out. Good luck

[Hopingpraying]

I can tell you that you can do no contact, even when you have kids.. I still do no contact to this day even though I talk to my ex-wife nearly everyday.

 

It is a modified version of no contact, and in no contact I mean there is no contact with my ex-wife about us specifically. I only discuss our daughter. Nothnig more, nothing less. Sure it has been tough on me at times, but I've made it this far. I suggest you do the same.

 

Really you have to come to the decision if she really doesn't want to be with you, then why do you want to be with her so badly?? I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be with someone who did not have the same feelings for me. Especially someone I had been with for over ten years..

 

It has been nearly two years since my wife and I separated. I keep it friendly and have never said one bad word to her. I look at it like I don't want to give her ammunition to say she was justified in her decision. On the contrary I try to do everything I can to make her regret her decision.

 

It makes it even better the day you can honestly say to yourself you don't need her anymore..

 

The other reason to keep it postive is for the sake of your kids. Put them first in everything, including ahead of yourself. Sometimes she may say or do things and you will really have to swallow your pride. Do it, because in the end you will be the better person and your kids will see that.

 

Sorry to ramble. Hope this helps.