Why do I want to keep punishing him?

[sparkler624]

For some reason I feel like I want to keep punishing my boyfriend for things that he has done in the past. He did all of those things (like sleeping with a certian girl that I'm not fond of, doing drugs, etc) before he met me, but for some reason they still bother me. When we have sex I don't feel emotionally connected to him because of who he slept with before me. He is my first and only in the sex department, and she was his first. I think that because I wasn't his first that I'm not connecting with him on that emotional level, because we couldn't share his first experience with eachother (does that make any sense?). Sometimes when we do have sex I just keep thinking about him doing it with the other girl and it gets me out of the mood. He hates this girl now and totally resents ever being with her. And he has apoligized to me for hurting me (which it's not his fault because he didn't know me back when he made those decisions). So my questions are...

 

How do I get over his past?

Why do I keep wanting to punish him?

How can I connect with him emotionally and intimately during sex?

 

Any advice would be great. Thank you so much!

[yeawutever]

First of all, he did nothing wrong, she was there before u guys met, so why would u feel hurt. U stop when he became ur b/f. Now, if u don't stop that, ur gonna scare him away.

[RayKay]

I can say that if you don't stop punishing him for his PAST, your relationship is basically doomed. There is no way he should feel he needs to apologize for that past when it was both way before you, and not something involving you.

 

We all have pasts, some different then others, but when you choose to accept someone in your life, and love them, it should be only if you can accept all of them, for whom they are.

 

Just because you are not his first does not take away from the experience. Everyone is different, and the first is not ALWAYS the most meaningful. He is with you, he is choosing to be with you. Now that is meaningful.

 

The only way to "connect" with him is to decide to move on from thinking of the past. How to do that is to figure out why it bothers you so much. Does it affect whom he is NOW? Does it take away from YOUR relationship?

 

I will say if you can't move forward, perhaps you better end it and find someone whom does not have a "past" as he does not deserve the resentment and punishment. Of course, then you might have a "past" they could not accept...

[theantibarbie23]

You need to learn how to keep things in perspective. I'm sure you've done things you aren't exactly proud of in your past, so does everyone. What you are basically doing is punishing him for being human and making mistakes.

 

If he slept with a girl you didn't like in the past, so what? He's with YOU now. The connection has nothing to do with not being each other's firsts. The lack of connection comes from the fact that you are refusing to allow one because you won't let go of imagined slights.

 

You are sabotaging your relationship and if you don't learn to see your boyfriend for the person who's standing before you now as opposed to the sum of his past mistakes then you will lose him.

[arwen]

Ray is right. Either accept it and get past it, or move on from this relationship. Keep in mind, HE will be YOUR past in any future relationship. Would you want a possible future partner to hold this against you? His past with this girl ended with YOU. I think a lot of 'issues with the partners past' can indicate too big differences between the partners. One of my exes really liked getting drunk for example. He'd tell me about crazy parties and stuff. That would scare me. Basically, my and his attitude towards alcohol turned out to be very different.

 

His past with drugs is no problem as long as he is totally free from them now. This is something you will have to trust on. We all make stupid choices (cigarettes being my stupid past choice), and we all can decide to walk the other way and not do it again. What is his attitude towards drugs and this girl?

 

Ilse

[italianstalian]

i had the same problem when i started going out with my x. She had lost her virginity to a kid that i HATED, and i always used to give her a lot of crap about it but eventually i got over it