Is he interested or am I way off?

[mysterygirrl77]

I'm a 28 year old single mom of 2. I haven't dated or liked another guy since I met my kids father when I was 19. In Sept. 2005 I started school and put my youngest in daycare. A few days before Halloween one of the owners/teachers who is also a guy asked if I wanted to send my son on a different day so he wouldn't miss the Halloween party. That was the first time I can remember noticing him. It seem like after that point I started noticing him more. I would often catch him looking at me out of the corner of my eye while I was talking with someone else. I would notice him smile at something me or my kids would do or say. At least when I was around he always seem to take an interest in my son more so then the other kids. Near Christmas I needed an extra day of daycare and asked him what it would cost and he told me he didn't have time to figure it out so to consider it a Christmas gift from him -although with this one I wasn't sure if I should be flattered or offended he couldn't take the time. For about a week and a half in Jan. he suddenly seemed to have stopped talking to me; even a hello or goodbye. So I figured I was wrong about him having interest. Slowly he seem to come back to where he was with me at Christmas time but it was just mainly hellos/goodbyes. I also noticed he was referring to me as mama ( see you later mama )while he called the other mothers, including my sister by their first names. Well this week was the week to confuse me for good. He acually referrred to me by my name. He struck up a conversation with me about my son, how good he is and helpful - standing right next to me showing me his work which is not a ususal thing they do there, how my sister was lucky to have me - I pick up my nephew from there everyday, and when my son didn't want to leave he asked if I wanted to stay while they had snack time. He also asked my oldest how many bros and sis he had and when my son asked him why he said he was just wondering. He was looking and smiling a lot. With all this, I'm not sure if he is with someone or not - haven't asked; and he has never made any move past what I have explained and it's been three months now. I'm going nuts. Although I'm 28, I feel so new to this because last time I was in a situation like this I was a teenager. Can someone tell me what they think is going on?

[Miss M]

Some parts of this seem alarming. First off, his behavior is inconsistent and that always seems like a red flag to me. Also, under these circumstances it's almost like dating someone from your job. It's all too intimately close and complicated on too many levels. If something goes even slightly wrong, it could easily feel very awkward and uncomfortable. And if you start a relationship with this guy, so many others are going to be affected by it, incluiding your own children, your nephew. For example, if this guy wasn't already involved in your children's lives in this way, you might naturally take a while to introduce a guy you'd want to date into their world. But since he's already very involved with them, there's no "space" to buffer them against all the emotional "stuff" that goes along with dating. IOW they'd be instantly very plugged into your relationship right from the start and that just doesn't sound like a good idea.

 

Also, if something goes just slightly wrong, it could affect this guy's behavior and relationship with your children at the daycare. If he's already treating you differently, that actually shows he's not being professional in his job, that he's not able to separate his feeling and attraction for his clients from his profession, another red flag. He should at least be outwardly still treating you like the other parents. And he should definitely still be treating your children like the other children, not using his relationship with them to impress you. And he definitely shouldn't be using his relationship with them to get more information about your circumstances. I think he's displaying really bad judgment in that way.

 

And lastly, if you do try a relationship with this guy and it doesn't work out, you'd very likely not feel comfortable continuing to use that daycare facility for your children. If it doesn't work it would cause you and your children so much upheaval, it might not be worth it.

[mysterygirrl77]

I totally agree with you. My kids have always been and always wil be my first priority. I hope I would never make a foolish, selfish decision that would cause trouble in their lives. In fact when a friend of mine started dating, I told her the same thing about keeping the guy away until she knew it was a good time. My concern about this is the fact that I have been out of the loop for a while and I not sure what the signs are that a man has interest. I'm not saying I'm going to jump into a relationship with every man that shows interest, I just want to make sure I can read the signs or if I'm making stuff up in my head. I've heard people say that if you feel it in your gut then it's probably true, but my gut is all over the place lately.

[Miss M]

Yeah, it definitely sounds like he's interested, just not in a healthy way. He's given you a lot of clues over time that he's interested, but he's also sent a lot of mixed messages, aka red flags.

 

One thing about getting back out there when you have kids... I noticed some guys will specifically use your kids as a way to get to you. They become very interested in your kids well-being... they use your children as a way of starting a conversation, admiring your kids, or telling you your kids are clever, skilled, intelligent, well-behaved, well-raised... etc. ... They offer to do little helpful favors in a way that will benefit your kids... In other words, they play off your attachment to your kids, or look for your vulnerabilities in regard to your kids, and will try to approach you from that direction. Sometimes an interest in kids is genuine, but I was very amazed at how guys used my son to tug on my heart. Dating when you're a single mom is a whole different game.

[mysterygirrl77]

that's what is weirding me out. Last time I dated I was a single teenager. Now I have 2 kids to consider in every decision I make. You always hear of women dating guys that end up hurting their kids or a guy is nice to your kids until they get you and then they just blow them off. My kids father doesn't exactly treat my kids nicely-which is one of many reasons we split- and those are his kids. I also don't want to mess things up with this daycare because I like it, my son likes it, and it's affordable. I do like the guy- he's totally not someone I would have dated when I was younger- there's just so much being put at risk. Thank you for listening/reading.

[mysterygirrl77]

By the way, what do you mean by red flags with his mixed messages?

[Miss M]

That hot and cold behavior... I always think that's a seriously bad sign, a red flag. When a poster writes "he keeps sending me mixed signals" I always suggest that she should only pay attention to the "negative" parts of those signals, (and ignore the good parts) because the bad parts are what will rip your heart out later. And even if there's good stuff mixed in, it's value to you is ZERO if you have to put up with intermittent torture to get the good stuff.

 

If a guy genuinely wants to explore a relationship with you, he really shouldn't be hot then cold and then hot again. There are guys who even use that type of behavior as a way of getting a girl's attention, trying to entice her by being mysterious. But those types of guys are always very troublesome IMO. If he wants to be in your life, shouldn't he be consistently a gentleman? Or should he be confusing you so you can't tell what he wants? If a guy thinks the way to seduce me is to confuse me, then I always disregard him immediately because I don't need/want that. Relationships are already confusing and difficult, even when everyone is doing their best to be kind and caring to each other. And guys who think the pre-relationship stage involves twisting a girl's head into a knot are just the male version of the drama queen. He's also setting a bad precedent, giving you a preview of what he'll do if you get into a relationship with him.

[mysterygirrl77]

ok I understand what your saying....well I guess I have to move on. I don't have time in my life for games or drama queens. Thanx for you help.