Need help ASAP re: sexual addiction ... thank you

[kimmydoll46]

My boyfriend of 2 yrs. confessed to me last night he is addicted to "lesbian conversation/etc. via phone). We get along great, but since last Oct. I had been finding #'s to chat/date/sex lines and calls to his ex-girlfriend (who is bi). He knew that the calls hur me, ( i found them on his cell bill) and said he would stop. The final blow up was yesterday and he confessed this to me re: the addiction and that it's nothing wrong with me and he does not want me to be involved with women or otherwise, but its problem he has. Is this normal for a guy? It really hurts because any type of sexual conversation outside your relationship is wrong in my eyes. He swears he's not sleeping with anyone else, but you don't have to "physically" have sex to cheat. Please give me your thoughts.

[secret_agent_man]

One man's opinion...

I think things are positive in the sense that he is not taking it out on you, and doesn't deny it. It's strange that he thinks the fantasy is a "problem", a lot of men like this. But, if he sees it that way then maybe he doesn't want to feel this way. Honesty is great, and be proud that you two can at least talk about it. Try to seek help, it's easier than it seems. Psychologists and psychiatrists can recognize things that most people don't even notice... Just keep an open mind and take his positive response as a blessing. Work WITH him on this, don't let him do it alone, and he'll thank you for it later.

 

S.A.M.

[kdreger]

I don't think anyone else's opinion should sway the way you think. How you feel about it is all that matters in your relationship. You shouldn't accept anything that makes you feel uncomfortable - we are who we are.

 

That said, I think this is comparable to the watching porn debate at it's simplest form - harmless for the most part because it's a "fantasy". What makes this worse, in this case, is that there are cases where the lesbians in question are not strangers.

 

If these lesbians were strangers I would think less about it but calling an ex-gf? No no no. That's not good. It changes it from a fantasy into a reality and that is dangerous as it can lead to other things.

 

I don't know your bf so I don't know how trust worthy he is. If he says he will stop - will he? That's a decision you have to make.

[kimmydoll46]

I am willing to work with him. But what if he does not want to follow through w/ professional help? What can I do to assist in it so that he loses the urge to make these calls?

[secret_agent_man]

He has to want to help himself. There's no other way. It's not like drug rehab, where you can just pull someone away and lock them up. He needs to decide. It sounds like he might want to help himself, because he stated that it was a "problem".

 

But, like kdreger said, you have to be comfortable. If it makes you uncomfortable, which is obvious by your post, you need to tell him that he has to do it for you, too. This may help in pushing him to seek outside advice. You have to be there with him. It's a hard thing to say, even to a Psychiatrist who makes you very comfortable, it can be embarrasing. Just tell him that he has to do it, but you won't leave him stranded unless he fights it too hard.

 

Hang in there...

S.A.M.