about to end all the nonsense

[solo34]

Yes BigJim...I understand just how much another man in the picture could and should upset U. See, not 2 say that U aren't handling your biz...but I wasn't. thereforeeee, my ex had enough of my moping and being down about things. I really can understand how my ex left me. However, in your case...your ex seems 2 want 2 "experiment" because she thinks that the problem ISN'T her...she's probably looking 4 something "new" 2 take away her troubles.

 

But in all actuality, it would only create much, much more. Don't worry man, I'm here 4 U. I'll help as much as I can. U seem 2 be doing really good, and just keep it going homie!!

 

-Solo34

 

P.S. Sorry it took so long 4 me 2 respond, I was out getting more applications.

[Big Jim]

Little bit of an update,

She texted me last night, was very formal (school project related), asking if i had done what i told her i would. I responded (its alll taken care of". She came back with a bunch of questions about it, obvisiously trying to get me to call, i just turned my phone off. Well this afternoon she calls me in tears on the house line , asking why im doing this, i told her i cant go on like this, she was really upset, and completely lost. She was making no sense. Well who knows what will happen, but she is obvisously not sure of her descicions now, becuase for the first time since the break up, she experinces life without me.

[solo34]

Yes, she's realizing that she in fact is/has lost/losing U, and she DOES NOT want this 2 happen. Give it a few more days, go 2 her and see where her heart and head is at. Good luck, homie.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Well didnt talk to her since last afternoon, but found out from her bro she was hanging out with that guy today. Honestly i feel so used i cant take it anymore. I wrote her a long email, explaining why i dont want to talk to her anymore, it says everything im feeling. Its not spiteful or harsh, just the truth as it is. I wish her well and say my goodbyes. I am forcing myself not to care anymore, because that gets me notwhere except hurt. NC is the way to go from now on. She is either going to srcew around when im in hte picture, or when im not. So might as well not be a doormat. I am happy with my decision, yet also happy to have waited a bit. I have no regrets at all, i did everything i could, she did not meet me halfway, so im leaving. She is mixed up and down, but not fair to me anymore, and now i see that clearly.

[solo34]

BigJim....proud of U 2 say the least. U know how shi*ty you're feeling right now? Well when you're in class, and she's waiting 4 U outside in a few days (it won't be 2morrow...I have a feeling), just do the whole cell phone bit. Like we talked about earlier. If U need 2 vent, we're here 4 U, homie.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Thanks man, much appreciated. Sounds odd, but as a guy its hard to talk to your mates about this kinda thing. They get it, but at the same time its like "shes just a chick". Thanks again.

The only reason i emailed her today was there was a lot of stuff i wanted to get off my chest, and i wanted to hit the point home with her that it is not that im abandoning her because she is moody and messed, but it is the way she is treating me that is unacceptable. When i talked to her yesterday on the phone, it was really brief, but i got the impression she was really confused about what i was doing. Since i still have a heart and know how much it sucks to be in the dark, I took scruffism advice and wrote an email, since i got all my thoughts down with no interruptions or fights (no this was not an excuse to break the fresh NC, i dont want a reply, i even said that). I must have read it over 10 times, it was just right, not mad , spiteful, but not loving and caring. Summed up: hey i really cared and tried to be there, but what you were doing was not cool, i know a lot is going on but that stuff was unaccpetable, so this is for the best for both of us, take care etc.

[solo34]

Yeah, U did the right thing....definitely did. Just go about your business now. It's on her...U really did what U could, U really did. Just hang in there, man.

You're gonna be alright.

 

Your friend,

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Yeah i think so. NC will give me peace of mind, i move on and/or she hits rock bottom and reaches out to me after realizing im not the problem in her life. She obviously is not sure what she wants, you cant go from a bombardment of phone/text/email on tuesday to not caring a few days later. I dont care who you are, its hard to fake that kind of stuff. We will see what happens. Thanks solo for your support, and srcuffism for the sample email lol

[Big Jim]

whats going on with your situation solo?

[solo34]

Oh man...long story short...I lost myself. I became depressed, and mentally and emotionally unstable. Not crazy or doing anything crazy, etc. Just became a real burden upon my lady. It was 2 much 4 her 2 deal with after awhile. She stayed with me through it a very long time...supported me financially, etc. Just a great woman in every sense of the words. I truly don't blame her 4 leaving. She left on Oct. 28th after over 2.5 yrs. 2gether. I tried 2 get her back, etc. up until January 4th when I realized that she was done with me. That's when I stopped trying, and I did the NC. I heard she has a new man in her life now...not from her, but from her cousin who is my good friend. He heard it through his Dad, which is her uncle. It hurts, but I have nobody 2 blame but myself, and that's the truth.

 

So right now, I'm working very hard 2 improve myself...become that man that I once was, the man she fell in love with, but 4 me. I also want 2 be the man she fell in love with in case she decides 2 come back and that she made a mistake leaving me. I want 2 be stable financially, mentally, and emotionally. Just how I used 2 be. I'm definitely going 2 do it...I've already begun 2 do it. I really do want a true 2nd chance with her 2 do it right, and 2 follow through on our plans that we made 2gether.....the plans of spending the rest of our lives 2gether, just how we BOTH envisioned. I've got lots working against me...I mean, she said that she'd NEVER be with me again, she has a new BF, and the breakup wasn't screaming or yelling at all; but it wasn't the best.

 

However, I did stop bothering her and she hasn't heard from me in any way at all in over a month...I don't know anything about this guy, but I do know that he ISN'T me. Meaning, I know that he isn't going 2 treat her the way that I did, he isn't going 2 love her as much as I do, etc; etc.

 

I'm not sure how long they've been 2gether, either. Who knows (actually, she does), she could be missing me now...she could even be thinking about me lately. One can only hope.

 

I hope this answered your question.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Well a hell of a lot of stuff has happened some good, a lot bad.

Hadnt talked to her for a few days, then she got the email. She tried calling me a bunch of times, i didnt answer, she ended up waiting lreally late at night at school in hte parking lot because she knew i was there studying. This was last monday. She was a horrible wreck. Had been waiting 2 hours in her car crying hard (i saw her before she saw me and she was not doign well), i was kinda touched. We talked a long time and she was trying to explain herself and tell me hows shes feeling about everything. I know i caved a bit, but i was touched be her compassion and really feel for her situation, shes having such a hard time. Anyway things were pretty good because a lot of air was cleared. We stuided together the next few days and had an amazing time. Then the weekend came, and long story, she thought i was avoiding her calls, got mad at me, but i really just missed them all. But by this time i was tired of the hot/cold, so when i talked to her sat afternoon i made no meniton of wanting to see her, or ill call her later etc, and i was really cold to her for once. Joked around with her, but she got the message i was not interested.

Didnt talk to her for the rest of the weekend, then monday morning i got a text saying "im having a horrible day, u going to school?". She then called and started to talk to me. Well i met up with her and we talked 3 hours in her car. I was in a really good mood that day so i was completely calm. Which was good, i kept pushing her to talk more, aobut school, her friends, family, then finally us. She told me it isnt right, she is missing me way too much, im the only thing that makes her happy, she now realizes that i wasnt the problem, she told me how everyhting is messed, how the situation wiht the family friend is out of hand, cause she just wanted to hang out cause she was bored, but now its all messed, cause if she tells him to back off, hes always over and it will be awkward. Summed up she admitted its been one bad desicion after another etc and she did it all. When i told her i still care about her, but not so much about "us" she was crushed (but its true). Anyway the day went on , her being so close to me, hung out all night, talked again later for another 2 hours, her actually saying to me "im beginning to think im so mixed up all the time because im trying to do the opposite (be independent and single) of what i really deep down want (us)". Was a great day.

BUT

next day was crabby to me again, she admitted it "i hate being this way, i hate teh fact that yesterday i loved you and was happy, adn today im depressed and resent you" but i cant help it. well it got worse and worse and she got madder and looked at me like she hated me. So i brought it all up again, said i/we cant do this, has to stop, its not fair etc... she got really mad, was completely diff from the day before, was defending things she admitted the day before, got defenisve , said it was all my fault. I said "i cant even reconize the girl yesterday here" I just walked away, she sped off. Had class today, when she walked by me, i just looked the other way.. i think its done for good now, ive never ignored her before

story about the length, no where else to vent

[Big Jim]

i feel like * * * * today. Saw her at school and she kept looking over at me during class, but quickly looked away when i caught her eye. Finally we ran into eachother later and started talking a bit, she was pretty upset and so was i. How does someone change so quickly? monday she loved me and was completely into me, today she seemed to feel none of that. Is this NC the best thing? cause right now it seems like the worst idea...

[Big Jim]

Also today she told me when she was upset/mad, that i make her feel bad all the time. Now i know i have been good to her, and i never have intentionally tried to bring her down, quite the oppostie. My buddy says he thinks she is saying that because she feels incredibily guilty over how she has been treating me, and cant handle it. Any input on any of this??

[solo34]

Yo, Big Jim...it's Solo34. Yeah, the NC is the way 2 go. I've yet 2 hear from my ex, but if things are shaky with her and her new man, I have a feeling that I'm going 2 hear from her by her own account; and not by me doing anything other than working on ME.

 

The reason I tell U this, is because U should just let your girl do the same. Don't tell her what you're doing, who you're chillin' with, etc. Don't respond 2 her, etc. It's none of her buisiness 2 know what you're doing...after all, you're not 2gether. If she's your girl, then obviously that's a different story. 4 now, maintain NC and let her see EXACTLY what it's like 4 her 2 NOT have U at all in her life. It will force her 2 work and focus on herself. Something that she obviously has ignored 4 quite some time now. It's easy 2 see that she hasn't taken any time 2 figure herself out.

 

Homie, this is hard as a ganster that's been shot 12 times and lived 2 tell about it, but U HAVE 2 do this. U have 2 let her focus on her...and that may mean 1-? months without U in her life. I say this because my ex left me and by her doing this, I have figured myself out more...I am becoming an even BETTER man than the one that she fell in love with.

 

I hope U can see my point, man. You're just going 2 have 2 trust me on this. If it's REAL love, than she WILL be back when she gets her sh*t straightened out with herself. That's a promise. U will see that she is better without her having 2 say anything 2 U, either. I know that when I am 100% back, that my ex will catch wind of it and see it 4 herself...and maybe I'll get that oh so rare 2nd chance. It's the same with U and your girl.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Thanks for the reply solo

Yeah i guess your right. Its hard as hell, i really wanted to be there for her, monday was an amazing day becuase she was so open with the * * * * going on in her life, and completely affectionate towards me. I helped her a lot on monday, that i know, but now i seem like the last person she wants to talk to. Really hard. But i guess this is what i should do. You dont think someones feelings change that quickly do you, monday she was head over heels, then this? I think she is just seriously messed up

[solo34]

Yeah, she's messed because she hasn't gotten in touch with her heart and mind...she doesn't know who the hell she is or what she needs and/or wants.

 

That's why I'm telling U 2 let her have this time 4 HER...it's really the best way 2 go with this. In the end, U and her could be something wonderful...but only AFTER she knows herself.

 

Stay up, homie...

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Well im starting to get the impression that strict NC will never be a option. Simply because of two reasons. 1)after just 4 days of not talking, i get a phone call from her. She almost sounded sarced to talk to me, thinking i was going to rip her head off for calling. She was so low and alone and miserable and really needed to talk to me, asked if it was ok that she did...which leads to reason 2) she will never stop reaching out to me unless im a complete * * * * * * * and tell her to * * * * off, which i know i cannot do, it is simply impossible for me to be that cruel to her after everything we have gone through together (there was some really serious stuff outside of "us")

Yes i know many think this is not the best approch, and i have to admit i agree. But knowing how i feel about her, im not just talking about gushing love or lust, but actually caring about her as a person, and i cannot abandon her when she calls me while shes having a breakdown. I simply think to myself, even if someone i was not even close to needed help this bad, and i know i did help to an extent, i know i would. So how then can i not do the same for someone who was closer to me than anyone else??

Im starting to see past the "relationship" and all that drama, and am trying to be there when she needs me, in other words trying to be mature. It is very hard to separate the two, and i most likely will fail, but i know that if i had cut her off today, i would regret that. Im know your thinking she is walking all over me, but being compassionate does not have to equal being a pushover. What can i say, i love her unconditionally, which in some cases is unconditionally stupid. We will have to wait and see i guess. Thanks for listening

[solo34]

No BigJim...You're doing the right thing, and being a good person goes much further than being an as*hole. I feel the same way about my ex. If the day comes when she needs me, it's going 2 be hard 2 say "no..." Keep your head up about all this. You're on your way 2 greater things, and I know it.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

solo

would you say no to your ex, if she needed you? Do you really think, regardless of what has happened, that if she really (and i mean really) needed you, you could say no? You seem like a solid guy, from what ive read, i would bet all my money that you would be there.

[solo34]

Yeah, I would be there...and if someone hurt her, disrespected her, etc. that person or those people wouldn't be around anymore. I would be there 4 her without a doubt. That's why I was telling U 2 be there 4 her and that U are doing the right thing.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Holy * * * * im having a hard time with things. One day i feel great, the next just horrible. All i get from her is mixed singals. Yesterday she was having a break down, callled me for teh first time in 4 or 5 days, after i told her no more of this. Well we talked and i cheered her up alot, and she called me before she went out. All this i was fine with, i told her if she was ever competely miserable or down call me, but no just "hey hows it going". However the curve ball happened at night. Outta no where she called me at 12 (drunk with the girls) just to say hi, this was kinda odd. She called again an hour later and i offered to drive her home, didnt want her cabbing it (bad area). She said shed call me back soon to tell me whats going on. Didnt hear from her until about almost 4, her and her friends had got a ride with a friend. I was kinda mad, feeling like i was strung along and thinking thanks for the call back. Yet then she starts her "i really missed you tongiht, i want to see you, i wish we could have just hung out etc." I honestly dont know the truth anymore and am going nuts. Please i know ive been venting a lot, but i am so very lost, any advice would be apprectiated.

[solo34]

Yeah BigJim, before I got 2 the end of the story I was thinking..."This girl never called him back 4 the ride and had him up late worrying." I just got the sense of that, because U said she was drunk with her friends...she called because she was drunk and did miss U. However, 2day's probably a different story and she'll have the drunken "excuse" going on I bet. Just hand in there, man. I'm still down lately about my ex, 2. I have feelings of relative happiness (if U can call it that), but 4 the most part, she's still always on my mind.

 

I'm just realizing that she's actually gone, and that I haven't heard a thing from her since around Christmas time. I have some feeling that she might be thinking of me, but it's probably just my wishful thinking acting up. I've left her completely alone since Jan. 4th...much 2 her satisfaction indeed...she wasn't calling, etc. at all or talking 2 me at all, so it made it "easier" I suppose; unlike your ex. It's time 2 not answer, etc. Put the shoe on the other foot, act like YOU don't want HER.

 

Let's try and hang in there, BigJim. Hey, look on the bright side, your name could be "BigKmart..." U ever thought of that?

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Things have gotten really bad for my situation. Monday i hung out with her all day had a great time was so much fun, yet near the end of the day she started to change moods on me again. Was getting cranky and stuff. Well surprise she never calls me monday night. I had said call me if you need anything tongiht, and she always calls, but not then, so i was kinda lost. (im and thougth she would have said her goodnights to me. So i was already in really not reading into this as much as it sounds, trust me, with her every action has significance). Well i was kinda hurt, cause i took her out all day a bad mood, and signed on to my computer. Here is where it gets bad. It signed into her msn account automatically(yet to change that), and i saw a couple new emails from her long time ex. This guy was horrible to her and she had told him off when we were dating.

Well my curiosity as to why he was back got the best of me and i read them. i know i shouldnt have, but i have just needed the truth so bad it is killing me. Well the first one was innocent, yet implied they had been talking on the phone a bit, she told me he had called, but never that they had talked. The second one however was a knife in my back. It implied she was hangin out wtih the family friend guy the night she didnt call me, because the ex had called her that night and i guess she got off the phone fast. She actually told him she was "dating someone". This hit me hard. Not only that but it went on to say she had texted the ex "do you still miss me?". None of this makes anysense to me.

I have no idea what is lies and what isnt, it is very possible she told the ex she was "dating someone" to avoid confrontation, she has done this before. Or maybe she is lying to me and is in fact dating the other guy, either way she is * * * *ing him over becuase not only is she hanging out with me still and saying i love you, she told the ex she would hang out with him too.

I could not handle this anymore, told her first thing in the morning, you have been lying to me since day one , this is too much, goodbye i dont want to talk to you again. Was really hard but had to. I asked her if she was dating the guy and she still denies it. Well that night she called me with some school reason but i never answered, then again yesterday, then texted me like mad today, beggin me not to walk away. Too late for that.

I now understand why this is going on, she is mixed up, has absolutely no self confidence, and hates her life, i figure shes trying anything she can to change something, except for herself. Shes got me, the guy she knows loves her so much, shes got some new "exciting" haha guy, and now the guy that broke her heart 5 years ago is also pursueing her, a major ego boost for someone so low. This is gonna all fall apart for her, and i hope it does, she needs to change herself, not her situation.

I was kinda relieved to find this all, not that i trust all the information, she lies all the time now to everyone, but it reassured me of just how mixed she is. If she is "seeing" the new guy, that would have really hurt, because everything would have been BS. but the fact that she is reaching out to the ex and even told him they will hang out, shows this new guy isnt the be all and end all. (especially if you knew the ex, the guy is not much of anything and an * * * * * * *). First time i ever thought the ex said anything intelligent, he said something like "obviously your new relationship isnt that great if your willing to hang out with me" hahahah if he only knew what he ws getting into.

Im done with it all, i love her more then anything, but this girl has 5 years of emotional baggage that has been avoided surfacing at once, and she needs to do this. She needs to stop living with all her "what ifs?" (ex, new guy, me) and see things as they are, without me there as her best friend. we will see what happens

[Lady Bugg]

Jim, please don't be offended by this....but you have stopped and started with this girl so many times it's kind of hard to believe you when you say "this is it". At this point she is so used to you just dealing with her crap...what incentive does she have to change?

 

I say it's time to "man up"..and cut this girl off for good.

[Big Jim]

no you are completely right. i have made things 100x harder for me. i was trying to be there but just got walked all over. i am hurting bad