about to end all the nonsense

[Big Jim]

Hi,

A brief recap of my story, broken up 3 months now, have been friends since, talking as much now as we did then (same classes at uni). At first we were hanging out even more, but now that has tapered off. We have done all sorts of couple things since the breakup, skiing, movies, dinners, me falling asleep cuddling on couch. She is extermely moody exhausted all the time, and not eating much, most likely depressed, although refuses to see a doctor. Has been three months of "i love you , need you one day" and two days later im the last person she wants to see. This seems like an exargeration, but half the time shes my girl, the other half a complete stranger. Needless to say its been three months of mixed messages and my heart getting stomped. I have never tried so hard to be there for someone, and am only getting slapped in the face.

 

The whole story is under the "is there a chance" thread by texasman

 

Well, i think its time to go to Nc,

Her behavior has bothered me for the last time. Last friday she freaked on me for no reason, was so mad, swearing, then hung up on me. I was like that was stupid and went out drinking. Around 2 i get a message saying "sorry" etc and i didnt respond. Went the whole weekend without talking to her, when surprise who is outside of my class on tuesday crying. Spent the whole day with her, she was talking about everything, all the stresses, and even about us. It was a great day, spent the entire time together, and she was saying all the "wouldnt it be nice if we did this..or i cant wait till we do that etc" and i totally got caught in the moment. Well the week went on and her moods got worse and the hot and cold started up again. Wednesday she was a *****, and we left things on bad terms, then thurday morning i got a message "why didnt you call me last ngiht". Friday was more or less the same durign the day. Well last night went out drinking and was having a good time, got really drunk and she called me late, i was loaded and was happy to hear from her, and she was at some chicks condo and said something like "i would like it have a place like that with you", so i kind of starting saying things (for the first time in a while) like "i really miss you" "i think of you all the time" (nothing she hasnt said to me on the days when she is really needy, ie just this week). Well she got all quiet and would try to change the subject all teh time, so i got upset. I asked her stragiht out "how do you feel about things", "i cant answer that, you know i dont know". Its been 3 months, its time she knows already. I finally said, "this is such bull, because if your in that mood im there and reposive, but if i say anything i feel like an idoit for saying it! I'm tired having to put my feelings on your shedule!" Now we havent slept together since we broke up (just once) and she implies things of that nature all the time, but i feel like an idoit when i do because she is so cold to me. For gods sake on thurday she was holding my hand and arm as we walked from class!!! then she kissed me lightly in the car!!

I am tired of all of this. Whatever mood she is in , is how it has to be, well no more of this. I think she has not been afraid to lose me since we have broken up, she gets teh best of both worlds, her freedom, and me when she needs it. It is not fair to me adn i plan on telling her this all. Any thoughts or advice on the situaiton???

I havent talked to her since 2 am on friday, and am asking for advice. Do i just keep it like this, do i call her and tell her no more, do i right a email venting my frustratoins????

Ive been trying so hard, beucase im the only person she opens up to about her problems (there are many right nwo), and she does "need me" in a sense, but i cant take it anymore, the games, the lies, hte constant reminder of what i dont have...

[Lady Bugg]

Hey Jim...

 

I agree, it's time you put your foot down with her. She is WAY up and down with you and it's not fair at all. If it was her decision to break up, she should have to live with that decision. I recently read the book "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken"....and although it's written with women in mind...it pertains to BOTH genders. In fact there's a section in the back dedicated to men. I highly suggest this book....and strict NC. You deserve better.

[Big Jim]

thanks for the response,

She has me second guessing myself all the time now. Yeah i was drunk, but i didnt think me saying i miss you etc was all that outta line, considering the stuff she says to me. I was drunk and stupid, but i realized she cant put anything on the line when its not under her terms. I dont think me saying "i miss you, thinking of you" when i was drunk was reason for the huge fight. I think she just can not be confronted, and can not handle when i do outta nowhere.

[Lady Bugg]

Jim....

 

She's been using you as an "emotional tampon". Is that fair to you?

Her mood swings would concern me a lot too.

 

You're doing the right thing by doing NC. Keep it up

[ocrob]

Jim, I tried being friends with my ex for a year and it was way too hard. She did not give me the mixed emotions yours is giving you. I say that you go NC. She either wants to be with you or not. You can't be her support system. Go NC and if you eventually talk, then tell her that the situation does not work for you. It is either a relationship or nothing.

[Big Jim]

Do i call her, or email? or do i wait to see if she calls me again and then say it, and if she doesnt well, just assume???

[BONO]

Whatever makes you feel comfortable. I guess email is one way communication. In that I mean you can get all your thoughts down without getting off track and into a argument. Have you seen the email I sent to my ex. I posted it about 12 days ago. Take a look. Your ex seems to be similar to mine. Let me know what you think Big Jim !!

[Big Jim]

I took a look at your email, pretty much exactly what i intended to write if i go that route, thanks for your help i really appreciate any advice. However at this moment, im so mixed up with feelings of anger/saddness, that i am not going to call or email her anything. I need to calm down and collect my thoughts before i write her or call. Either way its gonna be awkward next week when i see her in class (spring break this week). However i do feel good that im doing this. I love her, but she left me and has to see exactly how that is... but god i miss her haha see how mixed up i am

[Big Jim]

Well i never got a chance to email her and express this. Starting late monday night i get a bomdbardment of phones calls on my cell, i dont answer. Then i get a text message and an email, "why are you ignoring me like this etc?". Still i couldnt give a * * * *. Tuesday, 7 am my phone is ringing, i dont answer it, wasnt until 9 i realized she finally left a message. I listened to it, and it broke my heart. She was obvisiously crying hard and begging me just to talk to her. So i caved. Yeah i know, bad idea, but after so long with this girl, its hard to be mean to her.

We talk for a while, and she was so upset, thinking i had left town (spring break) and had even driven by my house to see if my car was there. Well we talk for a bit, then she had to go. She calls again at 3, we talk, good times. Then at 6 she calls, "what you doing tongiht.. blah blah, would you like to come over? im really down, could use someone to talk to". So like an idoit i go. We sit in her room for 3 and a half hours, her opening up, a complete mess, and i realized that yes this girl has some serious * * * * going on and i am just a small part of it, and she is completely lost in life. We watch a movie, and she falls asleep in my arms. Next day, exact same thing happens all over, less drama, more just a fun night. Wednesday calls me first thing in the morning seeing if i want to hang out. i say yes. We go out, have a great lunch, then the * * * * hits the fan!

However this is were i lost it. See she hasnt been this relaxed and easy going in a long time, she always seems tense and stressed, she wanted to hang out 4 days in a row (this is a record since the break up). Yes she is still down and depressed, but she is relaxed around me now. Surprise surprise, i connect the dots, that family friend guy who she talks to now is outta town for the week. I always knew she was playing games with both me and him (i know she isnt "doing" anything with him, but apparetnly leads both of us on). So she was driving me home and we started auguring, i said i am tired of you bull@$%@. She thought i was implying her moods and not being well, i was like no , you know exactly what im talking about, and im not taking it anymore. She was shocked didnt know how to respond to me putting my foot down, so starts attacking me with nonsese. "thats right your the perfect one, we all know that your the saint etc" (yeah ive been exceptionally nice to her, but dont throw it in my face like it was a bad thing).

So i just got out of the car. She was shocked and speed off. The phone calls start, i dont answer, finally i do, "if im too messed for you now, tell me and ill leave ytou alone" (looking for pity). I said we both know thats not the issue. The fight went on for a while, she starting grabbing for anything "your pushing me again! i feel sufficated" (hoping i would back off, bs, she has been calling me last few days), i simply said i dont care anymore. "So you dont want to talk anymore??". I responded "i just dont want to talk, i dont want to see you, i dont want to sit with you in class, i dont want to even acknowledge that we ever knew eachother, i dont want to know you anymore, its been fun, good bye"

I know this isnt the end per say, she loves drama and will try something, i am sure, but i dont care. Its the end for me as far as being there for her. She dumped me 3 months ago, but htere was no chagne between us (except sex). Time for her wake up call, see if her new "friend" will listen to all her messed up * * * *. I surprisingly dont care. I am happy it was on my terms, i have no regrets (i didnt jump to conclusoins, this week was just proof), i was always good to her, and it was my choice. Shes gotta grow up

[Big Jim]

Quick note, after all this, listen to everyones advice,

as soon as you get dumped, go NC (unless some bigger cause, in my case she is honestly messed up in the head). The LC or friends makes it 100x worse.

[BONO]

Well done. You have to draw the line somewhere Jim.

 

As with me this is perhaps not the end to the drama. However, she knows where your limit is now - and moreover, SO DO YOU !

 

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

I agree, and it feels great.

Yeah ill miss her, but ive been doing that for three months now and getting no better, its time she misses me. And she will, i didnt talk to her for three days and i had 10 missed calls, i text, i email. Its funny, yesterday she was saying to me when she was mad "things have changed they are not the same" which is true, but she is kidding herself too, because her actions are completely different. Haha for gods sake, just yesterday i was talking about my buddy and how he is feeling just like a friend to his girl (no sex life) and she takes him for granted and needs him when she is down, and my girl got worried being like, "its not like that with us, im not doing that to you, i never lost interest in you sexually, i care about you so much, just having a hard time, you know this right? rigiht??"

There will be days when we havent talked, then days when shes calling my cell, even my house (which is odd for her since the breakup), desparate to get a hold of me. Just last week she was waiting outside my class crying, spent the whole day together, i cheered her up huge, and she says thigns like "i would like to have a place with you, or i wish everyday was like today."

Way i see it now is, she is in a rough spot in life, mixed up with everything not sure what she is feeling, however still has strong feelings for me. Yet she uses this "things have changed " line to jusitfy her chatting it up with this other guy. It was always that way, she would cause problems between us to justify for things she has done. A new ago her ex started calling her, causing problems between us, but she would go outta her way to cause trouble between us, to justify her talking to him. This girl refuses to deal with everything, just push it aside.

So i feel good, haha feel like a man again. I was and am willing to be tehre if shes having a hard time in life, but she has to be respecting me, and not pulling moves like this. She now knows where i stand, and what is acceptable and if she doesnt like it, well she can deal with ehr stuff alone.

[Big Jim]

ps

thanks for everyones opinions and adivce throughout this stuff

[BONO]

No problem - but you must remain strong now. By past experience she will be on your case in the coming days / weeks. NC NC NC For now.

 

If you break it she will know that you will come round in the end. DONT

 

Scruff

[Big Jim]

Im not breaking it at all. Unless she says to me i made a mistake i want you back, im sorry. Then ill give her the time of day, but even then i dont know if i do. If that never happens great, if it does great. I will settle for nothing less anymore

[BONO]

if You Dont I Will Hunt You Down Even If You Are Big, Jim !!!

[Big Jim]

haha well now i got to stick to my word, or live the rest of my life in fear haha

I even have a plan on what to do if she pulls her usual wait outside my class crying thing. Ill start talking to her, she'll tell me how down she is, ill ask to borrow her phone, find that guys number, hit send and pass it back, "saying her you go" and leave

haha i dont know if ill be mean enough to do that, but either way im not her "rock" anymore

[solo34]

No, do JUST that! Either that, or walk right past her. You're letting her know that you're not 2 be F*CKED with.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

haha yeah i like that too, its in your face. How i used to be, before she broke me down into such a doormat. Man i got taken for a ride. She used her being down, depressed, etc, as a tool to get to me. No more of that

[solo34]

Well it's natural when U love someone....but if it's a one way street, it's not cool. U both have 2 be able 2 lean on each other during the hard times 4 it 2 work. But right now BigJim, show her that you're not 2 be messed with or played 4 a fool. Definitely do the phone thing, or just do the walk on by. Make sure she realizes that U see her there 2. It's going 2 hurt U, but she MUST find out that U aren't 2 be messed with.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

thanks for the advice solo, much appreciated

Monday will be rough, i have class with her, but im not going to even acknowlegde her. I know she believes deep down that i will always love her (she always joked when we were together that i was the kind of guy that if a broke up with a girl because of issues unrelated to the relationshp, i would go on loving them, long story, converstation started because of some stupid song). And all she has been doing is drilling the idea into me that she is just messed and cant do this right now, that it has nothnig to do with me etc...

So when i dont cave she will freak out, i know this for sure.

Since the breakup , everytime i pull back she goes nuts. Its almost as if she broke up with me knowing id stick around.

Summed up= she takes me for granted

[solo34]

U know it, BigJim....U know it. Once she sees that U ain't a punk as* sucker that she can take 4 a ride, she'll recognize the truth. Let that marinate on her mind. It won't even take that long, she will probably cave that very night once all her phone calls aren't answered that day/night. I picture her driving 2 your house in the middle of the night 2 apologize. If she does something like this, I'd think U might want 2 accept it. She is a person with issues, and I know U got a heart 4 her, 2. Sometimes it doesn't take much 2 get someone 2 express how they TRULY feel 4 U(us).

[Big Jim]

haha i would kill for that to happen, but would perfer more time apart. I want a good while of NC, for both of us to think of things. I know how i feel, ive got my stuff together, but i wnat her to hit rock bottem, so she actively starts to help herself, as opposed to just wanting me to make her feel better. I want her to want to change

[solo34]

Yes, and it sounds as though your girl is going through what I am/did, and that U are being like my ex. Just don't give up on her like it appears that my ex did on me. Although she did give me 2 1/2 yrs of us being 2gether. Hopefully, the both of us can work this all out with our ex's and later down the road we can get 2gether 4 a double date and laugh about this bullsh*t someday. Sounds good here. Haha, take care BigJim.

 

-Solo34

[Big Jim]

Thanks again man

Yeah shes going through stuff, and i was willing to be tehre all she needed, but this other issue of this other guy is too much. Yeah shes lost confused and i can kinda see why she would "experiment" with this idea of a new guy (kinda like anyhting to make her feel happy). But i know she will never be happy till she looks at herself. I never gave up on her, she did on me a while back. I will love her for a long time, but no more of this stuff