I think I lost him b/c of my trust issues

[leelee123]

I posted here yesterday about seeing a therapist about my trust issues and yesterday my boyfriend was very supportive.

 

Well I came home from work and he was upset and nearly crying. He saw that on Sunday I looked in the computer. I saw that He had googled my grandparents (not by looking at history, googled keeps your searches in the search bar) and honestly I thought he was going to talk to my dad..possibly about proposing ( I didn't tell him that). Anyways, I wrote down the address he had mapquested..b/c it was wrong and was going to say something. I totall forgot about it until he found it and freaked out.

 

He says he feels like I cheated on him. I've been NOT checking up on him for quite some time, and dont really feel that I was the other day. I was happy he was trying to go talk to my dad. I really was.

 

I dont know how to convince him of this. At first he wanted me to leave, we talked and I stayed. I told him I could prove to him that I do trust him and was seeking help.

 

Now he's barely talking to me and im afraid I've lost him. I dont know waht to do. I called in from work today b/c i just couldn't deal, and I hardly slept.

 

He told me that he loves me and wants this to work, he just isn't sure I can fix it. I have already fixed it, I feel like this is a misunderstanding, although i can see why. How do I make this better. I've been soo good the past 6 months or so and now this makes that all go away.

 

Ugh

[arwen]

Oh, leelee, it sounds like a complete misunderstanding! I think he will realize that soon enough, it might just be that this is the last he can take with the trust issues. For now, give him some space. You say you have been talking about getting married, and I think the two of you might need some time NOT talking about marriage. What is happening right now has been built up over the last couple of months probably.

 

I think it will be very good for him to join you in therapy, so he can see what really bothers you from a professional. When I was depressed, I had therapy and the bf of that time (it was a longterm relationship) came along for some sessions. He was a total sweetheart about it, he even prepared some questions for my therapist about dealing with my issues better within the relationship. Yes, we eventually parted but that was for other reasons and much later.

 

Take a breath!

 

Ilse

[leelee123]

And doesn't have faith that I can fix it. I know I can, b/c I didn't always have these issues. It was an old BF and maybe something else that did it.

 

I just need some prof help burying that stuff to move forward.

 

I've really changed so much , for the better.

 

He really was adament last night that we were over, then I ended up talking and I stayed. He's still upset today. I know he's just really mad and needs to cool it, but he's not sure he can go back to being the way we were.

 

could this just be his emotions? I know he loves me and wants us to work.

 

This is terrible.

[arwen]

I know this feels like hell, I have been there! I think you should really cool down, and give him some space. Are you both in the same house now? Is it possible for you to stay a few days at your parents or friends? Or just for a day?

 

I can imagine him being mad, but I am sure he just needs some time to clear his head.

 

Ilse

[leelee123]

If tonight its not better, I will go stay with my parents.

 

we had plans for a romantic weekend away. I think we need it, haven't been away in sooo long, but he doen't seem to want to go.

[arwen]

Then don't force him. It will only make him distance himself more from you. I know you feel like things are going out of control. And that your first thought is to try to stay IN control no matter what. However, you can only control yourself now, not him. So don't pressure him. Maybe you should stay with your parents now anyway.

 

I think the last thing the two of you need is a weekend where he will feel forced to play the happy couple. I think that could worsen things. Don't worry, I just think he needs some space, and it surely isn't the end of the world if you'd spend this weekend later on, right?

 

I wouldn't bring up the weekend now, was this going to be THIS weekend, or another?

 

Relax, and try to take some distance from this worrying. He hasn't broken up with you, he's just cooling down.

 

Ilse

[leelee123]

but after some talking i stayed and told him I could fix things. He says he's not sure he believes me.

 

I dont know what to think.

[arwen]

It is a complicated matter, and I can feel how you think you need to prove him wrong. I don't know what to advise you here, except from maybe take a break for now. I had these conversations/fights a long time ago, and it breaks my heart to see you go through a similar thing. The ex and I fortunately didn't live together, so it was easy to have a period of no contact.

 

I know it's very very painful, but I am gonna suggest you go to your parents, leave him a note that you will be there for a couple of days to think.

 

Ilse

[leelee123]

I just told him no pressure about this weekend, its his decision and to call me at lunch if he's up to it.

 

I also said I love you, he replied with an "I love you too"

 

then said "but im still hurt/mad"

 

i'll see how tonight goes, and if he's still distant with me i will go to my parents to give him space.

 

in the meantime i have some cleaning and sleep i could surely catch up on.

 

thank you again

[arwen]

Good for you girl, you need to rest! I think cleaning a room also cleans the mind, so go crazy on the dust!

 

Sounds like he's cooling down, I think it was wise of you to let him decide about the weekend.

 

Let us know how things are tonight, ok?

 

((hug))

 

ilse

[leelee123]

thanks for the kind words and advice.

 

It helps.

 

and I do think he's cooling down.

[leelee123]

He came home last night, gave me a hug and said we would give it another try. He said he was "hesitant" about it but loved me and wants it to work. Then he acted pretty normal after wards. The "hesitant" kind of bothered me, but a guy friend I talked to thinks that its just him still harboring some mad/hurt feelings and his "way" of saying he isn't going to apologize.

 

And he didn't apologize for anything he had said the night before. I did ask if he meant all of those things, and he said to me "well what did I say again?". Didn't even remember. I think they were out of anger, very extreme anger. I had never seen him like that.

 

We are still going away this weekend too. I left it up to him and he was talking about it last night as if nothing happened.

 

Its really good, and I actually have my first therapy session tonight. I guess I tend to dwell on things and am still a little shaken and I am totally amazed at how he is.

 

I really dont understand men sometimes.

[arwen]

Ah, good to hear, leelee. The guy loves you, he just wants to see you happy as well. It can be very frustrating when one of the partners in the relationship is depressed. I wouldn't bring up what he said out of anger again. Just leave it like that, he was out of himself, that's human.

 

How good to have therapy already tonight! Keep us posted on how things go, ok?

 

Ilse

[ShySoul]

I really dont understand men sometimes

 

Neither do men.

 

Seriously, this was a misunderstanding. It probably has little to do with what actually happened hear, and was more about old issues that hadn't been resolved finally getting to be too much until he exploded. It is great that you are seeing someone, and so fast. You guys can get through this. Take care and keep us informed. Best of luck, and don't give up.

[leelee123]

Things are already getting better actually. I can tell he's still a little mad (or was the last of it last night) but thats ok, I deserve it. He is back to future talk too, I really do think it was an outburst of feelings he had over the past few months. He needed to get it out and now that he has and I realize what I need to do, I think we will be stronger and better in the long run.

 

Therapy last night was great. I already feel better. I love my therapist too, she's so easy to talk to and very positive that I can "fix" these issues I am having a lot easier than I thought I could. I really felt good when I left her office.

 

And the BF is very proud of me for going and so supportive --I think he sees how serious I am about putting these issues to rest and being the best person I can be.

 

I think everything is going to be great. Im very optimistic about it all.

 

 

[ShySoul]

Awesome leelee!!! You can do it. Glad to hear things are getting better. Keep it up and know we are here for you.

[escape_velocity]

I find it strange that he is checking up on you.....I don't know the whole story though...so i really can't chime in much now.

 

Is he going to therapy too?

[leelee123]

It was me that was checking up. He found that I wrote an address that he had looked up on a post - it, actually to ask him about it and interpreted it the wrong way.

 

We are good now, actually got engaged over the weekend and talked through it all.

[arwen]

Woooohooooo leelee!!!! Congratulations! See I told ya he loves you! Wow, you must be so happy. Continue the therapy though. There will be other trials in the relationship, and you need the confidence and trust!

 

 

 

Ilse

[ShySoul]

Wow! I'm getting up and doing my happy dance for you. Congratulations on being engaged. I knew the things would get better for you. Keep the therapy, just to be on the safe side. But be happy and celebrate. This is awesome news!

 

Wishing you the best.