Well, it's been 6 months...

[lulu04]

....and I still feel horrible. I feel like I've gone through the stages of grief over and over again and here I am back at the beginning again, feeling like I can't go on.

 

My ex left me with a letter while I was at work one night. We were engaged, together for 6 years. (i've got other posts from back then) Since then, I have learned that he was doing cocaine behind my back for about a year before he left. He was very cruel & un-helpful for the first few months after the breakup. Left me with the bills, wouldn't come get the rest of his things, etc etc. I knew he was seeing other women, too. Then around Christmastime, he called me and said he wanted to clean up and come home and how much he regretted losing me, etc etc. By this time I was seeing someone else (which did NOT work out at ALL, btw) and I was shocked that all of a sudden he was coming back around, just as soon as I was starting to heal (of course).

 

3 weeks pass & I see him to sort out some remaining issues with our cell phone plan. He again said how he would do anything to come home & asked if he could take me out in a few weeks. I said I wasn't sure but that we could maintain contact. Well then I didn't hear from him for the next 2 weeks. Finally I called him. He said we should meet for lunch.

 

I saw him last thurs. and we sat and talked about all of the great things about us & what we had each done wrong. I admitted all of my faults in the relationship & really opened up to him. He told me he had been clean for 2 weeks, but still wasn't seeing a therapist (which upset me). The way the conversation was going, I totally thought we were talking about trying to work things out together. Then he drops the bomb on me that since he last saw me he started seeing someone else, i guess he met her pretty much the next day. She was also trying to get off coke and he said they had that "in common" and were "keeping each other clean". he also said how "light and easy" things were with her and how they were always so "hard" with me.

 

Again, i'm floored, crushed by him. I couldn't believe it. I just don't understand what is going on, what's wrong with me that he doesn't want me anymore, and I feel like I am the one to encourage him to get clean, then he runs off with someone else and credits her with it all....I feel like he's getting healthy, things are going so well for him, and I'm totally lost and depressed.

 

I know it sounds like he's totally awful. But for 5 years together he was amazing to me, and I feel like I took it for granted. And now I just want it back but someone else gets to have it. I feel so empty (once again), angry with myself, and most of all completely terrified of my future. People say to "move on" but I don't know what to move on TO. My career is nonexistent b/c everything I'm interested in is artistic in nature, so I have to wait tables to pay the bills. I just feel like there is nothing for me & I miss my "old life" so much, it's killing me. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm just the stereotypical emotional abuse victim or what, but I feel like I don't want to go on without him. I'm so lonely I'm afraid I'll never feel that connection again -- I thought we were soulmates, I still do. I feel like I need to get him back but I know that isn't logical....but there is such a huge ache inside of me....I don't think I can do this life anymore. Please, any encouragement would be so great.

 

peace.

[arwen]

Hey Lulu,

 

I think your ex is not just on the rebound, he is also in a rebound codependency relationship. I can imagine it's hard to get over the feelings of betrayal and loss. Just stay far away from this guy. He's nothing but a negative influence on your sweet spirit.

 

You are artistic, do you feel any relief in performing arts? Maybe you can find your strength back by focussing extra on what interests you. You say you are a waitress, surely there are jobs in the direction of arts? I think when you don't find THE job, it's best to go work at least in a company where the job you want is located. Like maybe you can start working in a museum, theatre, and see where it goes from there?

 

Ilse

[Lady Bugg]

LuLu, you sound like an incredible woman. You have a LOT to offer someone.

This is painful, I know...but this guy is just an anchor around your neck. What you're feeling right now is pure rejection. He's "involved" with another cokehead. Can you imagine the conversations they must have?? Of COURSE things are "easy and "light" with her....her main concern is not snorting nose candy on a day to day basis. What kind of existence is THAT? You are kind, decent, caring, honest.....it shows in your posts. You can do SO much better than this loser. I know this guy has an addiction...and HE has to deal with it. HE has to find help....HE is NO good to you in this condition anyway. How could you trust him if he DID come back?? He lied to you for over a year...doing drugs behind your back You would NEVER feel secure with this guy. At least not at this point.

 

Try to put this guy behind you. Look at it as a learning experience. You're worth it.

[gratefulpain]

hi,

 

im sorry to hear about your recent inflation and deflation...that seems so unfair ...i have dealt with a woman that had that problem...but she would be clean for a awhile year or so then out of the blue be off and chasing the coke. I would ride around in my car and look for her in the seediest neighborhoods all night long... that was the worst experience in my adult life... I know that two addicts cant keep each other sober... he needs CA or NA and a spiritual approach to recovery (my experince only)... somehow the pain i feel relates to my self esteem or worthiness.. i feel like its in question....so i can relate to you

 

you seem like a strong woman who was just dealt a blow when you werent ready.....

 

god bless... i will pray for you tonight.... sorry im not much help i am in turmoil myself

[lulu04]

Thank you guys, I really feel like I need support right now & it helps to hear from objective people.

 

I am having a really hard time getting out of bed and doing anything during the day (I work in the pm's). I do have so many things I am interested in -- but they are things where I don't know how to make a living doing them. Most of the people I work with are in the same boat. I know if i change this part of my life that I will be in a stronger place with myself and feel better about myself, but it is really hard to motivate myself even to clean the house, do laundry, eat.....so the career thing seems huge right now. It's kind of a catch-22....if I don't do something, I feel worse, but I don't know what to do or how to make myself do it, so I feel bad anyway.

 

As far as the ex goes, I know it's probably hard for two addicts to help each other get clean, and that's what I'm trying to tell myself. But there is this part of me that wonders if they will make it work -- maybe she will get all of the wonderful qualities about him -- maybe she can bring out the best in him that he says I couldn't?? He tells me he never felt like he could be himself around me....but he was great around me! And I am an extremely open and accepting person, so I don't know why he would feel that way. He has been with 5 women since we split. (some just sex, one he tried to date for a couple of months.) Funny since he told me he wanted to be alone. This is very hard for me to think about & accept.

 

everyone says "you will meet someone better", and it's definitely good to hear....but I had that brief little rebound thing and it was SO lacking compared to the ex that it just reinforced my negative beliefs that I may never find that connection again. That just summed it all up I guess -- I feel very hopeless and don't know how to find hope again. thanks for being here, everyone.

[lulu04]

please can anyone help me, i just feel so low, so lost....i don't know how to get out of this depression. i'm in therapy already, i guess it isn't working. i just don't see any reason to be here -- all i can do is think about the life i had and how i'll never have it back.

[arwen]

please can anyone help me, i just feel so low, so lost....i don't know how to get out of this depression. i'm in therapy already, i guess it isn't working. i just don't see any reason to be here -- all i can do is think about the life i had and how i'll never have it back.

 

Hey girl, I am so sorry I saw this so late, I already sent you a pm earlier this evening (well, night in fact for me )

 

Sweetie, it's true that you won't get that life back. You will get an even BETTER life back. I promise you that. And this doesn't depend on any guy. It's the relationship with yourself that will make your life better than ever before. I know the feeling of feeling disconnected with everyone and everything. I have experienced so very very recently, and it had nothing to do with my lovelife. It had to do with the fact that I wasn't doing what I wanted in life, and that I felt like I wasn't myself anymore. So now I am changing that.

 

You wish your life back, I think in fact you wish your feeling of being alive back. The depression makes you feel numbed and detached, and the feeling of melancholy is just because your feelings right now are sadness and in the past they were happy. Those feelings will change over time, you will see that this guy was bad news for you, and that something so much greater is still out there waiting for you.

 

You can always pm me for help, ok?

 

Ilse

[lulu04]

Thank you Ilse. Thanks also for your pm. Any contact makes me feel at least a little bit better.

 

I guess I just don't know where to go from here. I have had bad bad experiences with antidepressants & have been trying to avoid them, but I have been in therapy for 5 months already and while I felt like I was making progress earlier, I seem to now be on a downward spiral. I don't see any hope & I don't know where to find it. My thoughts are very focused on all that I have lost, even when I try to stop them. I still feel like I wasn't good enough or did things wrong & I regret losing him & the life we shared.

 

I am so afraid that he is just fine now, and living this great life with this new woman who "understands" him & what he's going through. Of course if he would have come to me with his problems, I would have done anything in my power to help him. It feels really bad that he didn't think enough of me, after all I had done for him, to give me that chance & that respect.

 

I know I need to keep NC, but I'm sorry, it's just so hard for me. I cannot imagine having him out of my life. Maybe just because I don't have much going on right now....but the thought of losing him completely is killing me. I just want the light to be obvious to me -- to know there is hope, to know I will be successful & happy with someone else -- but I certainly won't be if I can't ever get out of bed. not sure what to do next.

 

love to you all.

[gratefulpain]

Someone once asked me if someone gives me flowers what do I do with them?

I said I dont know put them in a vase enjoy them.

I believe that (higherpower) fill in what you like.....gave me flowers two years ago and i received them with the knowledge that they may not last but to enjoy them while theyre there.

 

I am still in turmoil like yourself... i love her and dont even care that we may not have been the perfect match i just want her back in my arms sleeping peacefully... i cry when the feeling overwhelms me.

 

much love 2 u 2

[lulu04]

does anyone know anything about cocaine/ other drug abuse?? is it likely that he will "get clean" with another addict / with no professional help? he has been using for a year; i'm not exactly sure to what extent....

 

i guess i'm just so worried that i am the one who helped him make the decision to get clean; even after all he has done to me, i have been there for him when he calls me needing support -- i even suggested treatment ctrs (this was when he was saying that he wanted to get clean and come home). then 2 weeks pass and he has found someone new who he says is so great....it's so unfair. i'm so afraid he will get it all together & be great to her, learn from the mistakes he made with me....just makes me wonder why did i go through all of this?

 

and what if no one loves me again? it's possible that i might be alone forever, or never find that connection again...i'm very afraid of the future & can't seem to let go, no matter how hard i try.

[arwen]

Girl, you need to see this whole thing in perspective! First of all, HIS cocain addiction is no longer YOUR problem. At least be happy about that. Whether he recovers with her or not, it shouldn't matter to you.

 

I know it's hard because worrying about these things gives you a false sense of control, it makes you feel like he's still a part of your life. Truth is, he isn't, he's an addict and probably has so many issues that he can't even think straight.

 

I don't know about cociane abuse. I think as any other addiction, it will be a very hard thing to kick. Especially without help. But somehow I get the feeling that you ask this because of this GIRL, and not because of his addiction. If you and he broke up and he would have tried to get clean together with a male friend, would you have the same worry?

 

Girl, having read the things you wrote about your ex, I am SURE someone better will come along for you. Just put a little faith in God or the universe or what/whomever you believe is out there

 

First of all, CUT HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. After six months, and all this misery, it's time to see him for what he is, an addict that poisons your everyday life.

 

Imagine how much more peaceful your life will be if you won't hear from him again, talking about her (how insensitive!!!), about his recovery. It's not your problem, I just keep repeating it now.

 

There are many great things waiting for you, don't keep standing at the side line of life and jump back in!

 

Ilse

[vickyviking]

Hey, I feel just like you do and I just wanted to say that you aren't alone, you have my support. I too have just started therapy but I cannot move on fro thinking about my ex all the time and thinking will there ever be a time when I don't think of him. It seems that every day is the same at the moment, waking up with that awful feeling that he has gone and just thinking of him all the time. I just cry when it gets too much. I am not sure I can take much more of this depression and sadness either, but one of my friends recommended taking baby steps, just focusing on the here and now and not thinking too far ahead. Hope this helps

[lulu04]

When I have talked to him in the past, he makes me doubt that he really has a "problem." -- He has come to me when he is feeling low, wants to move home, get clean -- at those times, he says that his problem is "pretty bad" and that he was using almost daily. But the last time I saw him, he said I was blowing the whole thing out of proportion & that it really wasn't that bad, that it isn't what our breakup was about anyway. It just makes me wonder what is wrong with me & also makes me feel like he's pulling it together, while I sit in this mess.

 

I know, logically, that it is better for me to not have any contact with him (in terms of my healing). I was doing better before we got back in touch. But the problem is that I can't see my life without him -- I WANT to talk to him, deep down i really still WANT him to come home and have it be how it was. I still don't even understand what went wrong since he wasn't communicating with me. I don't know how to stop myself from wanting these things or acting on them.

 

I know I sound pathetic, but I hope I can voice what I'm really feeling here & not be judged. Because it is hard to deal with these feelings & I'm not proud of them. I wish I felt stronger. I'm trying so hard, but all I can think of is our life together. It was what I wanted -- I never wanted to date around or be with anyone else. I still don't. I miss cooking together and movies and spending time together....I just don't feel like I can function on a day - to -day basis right now. I'm going nuts.