Never been 'just friends' but now we have to be :(

[Hunny1607307342]

Hi, I'm 17, started a new school, met this guy. A couple of months down the line I really got to know him well, and we developed an extremely flirtatious relationship. We spent a lot of one to one time together and he thought up a few excuses to get me alone. At this point everyone thought we were going out. He spoke to me and told me that even though he loves me to bits, he's just come out of a relationship and is not ready for one, but that if he would want a girlfriend I would be top of the list. I was okay with it, I thought that in a few weeks he'd ask me out. As time moved on I was beginning to think that he's just a naturally flirty guy, because I observed how he behaved around other girls, and realised there's a chance he doesn't want anything with me.

 

But then the flirting between us increased and it got to the stage when he was treating me like a girlfriend. Holding me, holding my hand, kissing my hair. Then came the climax: we had our first kiss. It lasted quite a long time and was absolutely amazing.

 

After that he carried on treating me like a girlfriend. Then we talked about 'us' and he said that he likes me SO much but has exams for a couple of weeks so he can't have a relationship at the moment since all he has to do is study. I said its fine because they were REALLY important exams. I believed he meant what he said, because he told one of my friends that he does REALLY like me and that we still have so much time left after exams and that he's planning to surprise me for Valentines Day.

 

Still, during his exam period, since we see each other everyday, it seemed we couldn't just break things off, so he still carried on hugging me, kissing me, and being with me when he had breaks from studying.

 

EVERYONE was talking about us going out, but this really got him worked up, he hated all the attention. He denyed going out with me, and although its true he hadn't asked me out yet, I was still disappointed by how he responded to people.

 

A week later he asked me to go for coffee and said "what's happening between me and you" Anyway, we sat down and talked. A lot. But we didn't really get anywhere. He told me why he likes me, that I'm special, that he's never met a girl like me, that he REALLY likes me and told me all the reasons why. He told me that he tried a long term relationship once before and he got really heart broken over that and he just doesn't want to feel like that again. He asked me what I want, and I didn't want to tell him directly, but I think he figured out that I want a proper relationship. Since he seemed afraid of attachment, he suggested an 'open relationship'. I didn't have time to realise that there's NO WAY I'd go along with this, so at the time I didn't seem keen on it, but I didn't say no either. He said the only drawback with this is that I'm 'too good' to be played and he didn't want to seem like a jerk because 'he's not like that'.

 

Anyway, the next day, he said we need to talk again and that we're either GOING OUT or NOT GOING OUT and that it's not fair on me to have something in between. When we talked, he told me that he thinks we work better as being just friends. I was crushed. He said that I deserve so much better, I've got a wicked body, cute personality, everything, but that he doesn't think 'he's the one for me'. He said he should never have kissed me, because it confused me and lead me on and he can't commit with his whole heart, and that there are loads of guys who like me (this made me really upset cos it's as though he woudn't even get jealous of me with someone else). I asked him why he did lead me on, and he said 'because I really liked you and I knew you liked me so I thought it would develop into a relationship'. Then he said that he doesn't even really know me that well (what?!) and that we're not compatible in that way, and begged me not to hate him or think he's a jerk. He said he would like to get to know me, and continue being friends.

 

I was so crushed. I am so heart-broken, and I know this kind of thing happens, but in this situation; I HAVE TO SEE HIM EVERYDAY. If I were to never see him again, i could just forget about him. But every time I see him its a reminder of what I nearly got, and will never have. Everytime I see him I think 'what if he changes his mind'. But the saddest thing. BEFORE, everytime I saw him he'd give me a big hug and a kiss and hold my hand and give me a look, ie. treat me like a girlfriend. I couldn't imagine us any other way. I can't handle having him see me, and simply walk past, or politely ask how am I and what I'm up to. What's also heart-breaking is that he seems like he's not even bothered. Isn't he even a little upset about not having me as more than a friend anymore?

 

Do you think he'll ever change his mind?

 

Will I really be alone on Valentines Day?

 

I'm sorry I like wrote and essay, but I really need people's advice, it really means so much to me. Thank you xxx

[Relationship Coach]

Hunny,

Welcome to ENA! I hope you find this place friendly and packed with advice.

 

It sounds like this guy has commitment issues and has at least been honest about that with you. His request for an open relationship and his explanation about getting his heart broken before all seem in line with how he is behaving. You have to decide what you are willing to except and to what extent you want to risk your feelings in this. I would back off 100% and just be cordial to him but not friendly. A smile as you walk past him and a simple hello. Let him know that it's all or nothing and if he has true feelings for you then it's time he makes a commitment to you. Think nothing of Valentine's Day, let it come and go with no expectations. Do not allow him to have any physical contact with you what so ever, he can't have it both ways. I have a feeling he will have a change of heart.

 

RC