Repentance?

[MyEyesHurt]

I was in a on again off again relationship. During the "off" part, I slept with her friend. It was a horrible mistake. The friend got to her before I did. We're both destroyed. I barley remember how it happened. What can I possibly do now.

Apparently this friend of hers had a crush on me for a long time and set out to break us up. Now that we are, she actually called my ex and asked her if it was okay if we dated, she's calls me 6-7 times a day. I've told her that it was a horrible mistake and nothing more, that I didn't want anything to do with her. She keeps calling, I don't pick up. It's been a little over a week and I'm just about ready to throw myself off a bridge, I can only imagine how my ex feels. She won't talk to me much but she gets her friends to try to check up on me, see if I'm okay or something like that. I fell like suck a horrible person for this. What can I possibly do.

[princess81]

Well you might have crossed some lines but what's done is done you just have to move on with the girl that keeps calling she will get tired eventually she will get the point you just have to stay strong and not give her no chance at all to think that something can come from what happened now with your ex you got it take it real easy on her dont push the issue give her some time and space and that same time let her know your sorry and that your there for her you already explained your side of the story to her and thats all you can really do for right now just give it some time. I hope I was of some help.

[Miss M]

Apparently this friend of hers had a crush on me for a long time and set out to break us up. Now that we are, she actually called my ex and asked her if it was okay if we dated

It's really weird. I read your other threads even before you started this one, and at the time I was thinking, "it was a setup... that friend knew all along what she was doing... she was trying to break them up so she could have him for herself." So this is really weird to me that you're now posting this.

 

This is a bad situation, mostly because of that so-called "friend." I'm guessing that she's still mouthing off to your ex about the details of your "encounter" with her... just rubbing salt in the wound, keeping the pain fresh. I'm sure she wants to make sure your ex keeps hurting so she won't take you back. That doesn't help you at all. But that's one reason why your ex is still hurting so badly. This is a difficult one for her to heal as long as that friend is still hanging around. And since you didn't know they were friends when this happened, you and your ex both got blind-sided. You might have a shot at getting her back if your ex would dump that friend, but that might not be happening unless she gets smart about what that other girl is doing.

 

Your ex is hurting on many levels and is probably feeling very confused. She might also be feeling really angry at the friend, and also angry at herself for trusting the friend as a "best friend." That really stinks. Unfortunately she might be redirecting a lot of that anger at you because you're a very convenient target right now. She needs a lot of time to heal. It's not fair for you to take the blame for all of this, but she needs to know you're sorry for what happened. It might help if you tell her that as much as you can... just don't accept that you were totally wrong for all of it. Since she's got others checking on how you're doing it means she's still interested. It might help if you can get them to convey messages again of your deep regret and love for her, that you didn't know they were friends when it happened. It's very likely that some of them are also telling her that it's not all your fault, and that that other "friend" is a sleazy and deceitful snake. Maybe she can eventually hear the truth in the middle of all of that pain and begin to forgive.

 

Good luck.

[MyEyesHurt]

Thanks for you're reply. Her major issue with me is that I wasn't the one that told her. And I guess she does have a big point there. I have been send all kinds of messages threw her friends about how sorry I am about the way things turned out and everything. About the conniving best friend, they go to the same collage and have classes together, she even helped my ex get a job where she works. My ex told me that of course she's not ever going to trust her again, but she's forced to see her everyday and that just make what I did so much worse. As I'm writing this, my cell is ringing, it's THE FRIEND. I'm not picking up.

[Miss M]

Thanks for you're reply. Her major issue with me is that I wasn't the one that told her. And I guess she does have a big point there.

If I understood your other threads correctly, you were caught off guard and very surprised by the realization that these two were friends? If that's the case, I still think your ex is being unfair to you. Her pain is very understandable, but giving you the brunt of her anger isn't right. I don't think there are many of us who would have handled that situation too well either.

 

they go to the same collage and have classes together, she even helped my ex get a job where she works.

Helping your ex get a job was just all part of the overall manipulation and strategy. People who are snakes often do lots of things that make us feel grateful to them. And then when they change direction to do the dirty deed, it's even more confusing for us. And unless your ex can see that, (and all the rest), she might not be able to get past this. I know you care about her and want her back, but if she can't stop putting all the blame of this onto you, she probably isn't the right one for you.

[Itsok]

Pick up the phone the next time the other girl calls, and tell her in no uncertain terms to stop contacting you and that you want absolutely nothing to do with her. From then on, whenever she phones, pick up the phone, hang it up and repeat. Maybe eventually she'll get the hint.

[MyEyesHurt]

Pick up the phone the next time the other girl calls, and tell her in no uncertain terms to stop contacting you and that you want absolutely nothing to do with her. From then on, whenever she phones, pick up the phone, hang it up and repeat. Maybe eventually she'll get the hint.

I've done that. Late last night she left me a message saying she was going to give me a little time to get over all this so then "we can just hang out, and do whatever I want". I'm starting to really hate her.

 

If I understood your other threads correctly, you were caught off guard and very surprised by the realization that these two were friends? If that's the case, I still think your ex is being unfair to you. Her pain is very understandable, but giving you the brunt of her anger isn't right. I don't think there are many of us who would have handled that situation too well either.

I had herd they had a class together and one of my guy friends mentioned the job thing but I wasn't sure if it was the same girl.

[Miss M]

It was this part...

Maybe the ideal response would have been to pull your gf aside right away when they first arrived, when you first realized her friend was the girl you had been with. And maybe your sitting around laughing and drinking with them is the part she's having problems with. I was saying I don't know how many of us would have been mature and brave enough to do the right thing at the right time. And maybe your gf would have wanted you to do the most noble thing, and that would have saved her from more embarrassment. She probably felt that you, as her bf, was supposed to be looking out for her well-being, but at that point you honestly weren't doing that. And I'm guessing a lot of her anger at you has to do with the fact that you and the other girl knew, but didn't tell her. Instead, you sat around drinking, laughing, chit-chatting, as if everything was normal. She probably would have felt somewhat better if you had halted all that "socializing" right at the beginning. I'm sure she found your ability to sit laughing with the two of them to be a very odd thing. And she probably feels like she's an even bigger fool for sitting and laughing with the two of you when she would have preferred to know the truth first. By reading again what you wrote, I can really understand her pain, and why she is not wanting anything to do with you. She feels doubly betrayed by you because you didn't confess right away. In her situation, I might react the same way. I can also understand that we aren't all perfect people, that you didn't know how to handle the situation at the time. Honestly, this is really a tough one.

[MyEyesHurt]

You're 100% correct. And that's exactly what she told me. I just panicked and didn't know what to do. You know, the friend actually told me that she didn't want this to come up again because we agreed it was a mistake and she said she didn't want to loose my gf as a friend, after it first happened. God I'm such an idiot.

I just came home and found a message on my machine from my ex, which is odd because she didn't call my cell. She said she was going out right now but needed to talk to me so she'd call back around 11pm (est) which is a little over four hours from now, and I'm freaking out. I don't even know what to say to her anymore. I'm miss you, I love you, I want you back, I'm sorry. I don't know.

[Miss M]

Well, in that case, I'm changing my advice. Sorry, I feel like I've been steering you wrong, and I really just wanted to help.

 

So, it was a stupid mistake... and yes, you panicked... and you let it slide when you should have spoke up to stop the cozy little social gathering. And now she clearly knows the friend was a back-stabbing snake, intentionally trying to hurt her. She should be very clear about what to do with someone who intentionally hurts her. But you were someone who supposedly cared for her. And she REALLY counted on you to watch her back. She depended on you to look out for her, and you took the easy way out. But it was the easy way for you, but not for her.

 

So before when I was saying don't take all the blame, now I would change my advice to tell you to apologize profusely, and fully admit to being a big idiot. (Yeah, I know it probably hurts to say that, but it's actually true, and the only way to possibly salvage this is if you face the painful truth honestly and boldly this time... no shirking at all.)

 

I don't even know what to say to her anymore. I'm miss you, I love you, I want you back, I'm sorry. I don't know

Yes!... all of that is exactly what you should say, and also add "God I'm such an idiot"... and also add "I just panicked and didn't know what to do." Yes, admit that you screwed up big time by wimping out when you should have been looking after her. Tell her you realize it must have been awful for her. (And to make that a true statement, just think if it had all been reversed. If she had screwed around with one of your backstabbing buddies, and then you guys got together, sat around cracking jokes and drinking. And if he blurted out something about a wanting threesome... Are you getting this picture? And then if she left the room and he chose that moment to tell you he had f-ed her... Okay, got that sick feeling in your gut yet? Now you know how she feels.) And tell her you panicked, (like a dope), that it's not an excuse, but an explanation... and vow never ever to let her down again....

 

So... admit your error... apologize profusely... profess your undying love and devotion... but only if you're sincere about all of it. I really don't want to feed you a script to give her if you're not sincere.

 

If you guys can heal from this, it might bind you more tightly together. But healing still might take some time, so be patient.

 

And never ever screw up again... Always take the high road... And I hope she also always does the same for you.

[MyEyesHurt]

So we had our talk. She sounds better, the last time we talked she couldn't stop crying. I think I got my message accross. Also she's dropped the friend. She told me she misses me. I told her I missed her too, and she said "You do? What do you miss?" and after I listed just about every thing I love about her she said "You're going to have to do a lot more a**kissing then that too make up for that" in a playful way. So I don't know, it seams like a good sign. We establish that we are both lost without each other and that we need to talk again really soon, I didn't push it and just agreed. Maybe things will get better, maybe not.

[Miss M]

Actually all of that sounds DARN good. She obviously still cares about you... and she even WANTS to forgive you. But even when a woman wants to forgive, you still have to do you part to deserve it, and she seems very clear about that. And that is just as it should be.

 

She didn't want to break up... And she definitely didn't want this pain. But she knows you messed up, (not by having sex with her friend, but in how you handled it afterwards). And she knows you have some work to do on your end of it to fix this... And she's absolutely right about that... In fact, if she hadn't gotten outrageously angry and kept away from you while you kept saying, "but it's not all my fault," then I would have said there's something wrong with her. Besides saying you're sorry, she also wanted and needed you to take ownership for your errors, be accountable. And she needed you to really understand why it hurt her so much. But right now what you wrote here... yes, these are all very good signs under the circumstances.

 

after I listed just about every thing I love about her she said "You're going to have to do a lot more a**kissing then that too make up for that" in a playful way.

Man, I think you did good. And the fact that she said that is a good sign. And the fact that she said it in a "playful" way is a VERY good sign. But just because she said it playfully, don't think for a minute that she's not very serious about what she said. I think you must have said all the right things in the right way, and she's probably very relieved you finally said what she needed to hear from you. And her response was her way of offering you an invitation to continue to apologize to help mend this. And it's her way of saying she's still in a LOT of pain, and still needs a lot of healing. She's telling you that she expects you to do your part to help her heal, but she's also saying she's willing to try forgive. The difficult part isn't over yet, but you guys really seem to be on the right track towards healing.

 

So, all of the things you've already said to her, keep repeating all of that in various ways. It's still gonna take some time for her to get over this.

[Vanilla]

man if i was in her shoes- no offense but you wouldnt have a shot in hell.

 

dont ever mess up AGAIN- I hope you have built an inmmunity for women who throw themselves at you.

 

I know you feel horrible, but one time is all it takes...you are SO lucky if she takes you back. I just don't accept it. I know you feel terrible, I can sense it...but i think you get my drift. i just hope she can be happy again. I really hope so.

 

just out of curiosity- would you have taken her back if she had done this to you? honestly...your most honest answer.

 

I wish you the best of luck man! good luck!

[MyEyesHurt]

just out of curiosity- would you have taken her back if she had done this to you? honestly...your most honest answer.

You know I would, it would be hard as hell but I'd have to, I really love her.

[Miss M]

Well, I hope it all works out because she seems to care a lot about you too... and besides, I like happy endings. \\

 

And especially, getting back together is the very best revenge on that sleazy snake. It would be too bad if her dirty scheme broke you apart for good.

 

Good luck to you both.

[MyEyesHurt]

Well, I hope it all works out because she seems to care a lot about you too... and besides, I like happy endings. \\

 

And especially, getting back together is the very best revenge on that sleazy snake. It would be too bad if her dirty scheme broke you apart for good.

 

Good luck to you both.

 

I don't think we're actually get back together just yet anyway, this is going to take a long, long time. I sense and on-again off-again thing coming on, I hope I'm wrong. I'm going to talk to her again tonight.