What a mess

[whatuk]

This problems only really arose about 3 weeks a go, but, before I describe the current situation a little history.

 

About 8 years a go when I was 11 I met a girl in school she was in the year below, we became great friends and nothing more, spendng a lot of time together both in and out of school. However, she was being bullied by a small group of people in her year so she decided to leave the school, soon after she left she also moved house ironically closer to me than she was before, however, we still managed to lose contact. Last summer I heard through a mutual friend that she was pregnant, and a few weeks later when I was starting University I saw her with her new born baby son. We talked and agreed to met up when I had free time from Uni. As it happened I had that Friday off so we met up and had a long chat about the various directions our lives had taken, she told me that a couple of months before the birth her relationship with the father of the baby began to fall apart but they agreed to be friends for the sake of the baby, after the baby was born the father took little to no interest in baby, who by now was six weeks old.

 

Anyway as the weeks went on me and my friend became closer again I began spending all my free time at her place. Then came possibly the proudest moment of life so far when she asked me to be Godfather to her son. I was and still am honoured that she chose me to be a Godfather. With all the time I was spending with her and the baby I grew to love the baby like a son and I saw my friend in a new light she was a devoted mother, and had matured into a beautiful woman, I never did anything about these feelings as she was constantly saying she didn't want a boyfriend.

 

A few weeks a go I left her place at around 11pm while walking home (about a 15 minute walk) I was stopped by two boys who began to ask questions about the nature of my relationship with my friend and the baby. I told this to my friend who called the father to ask him if he had been the one to threaten me, he denied it and through the course of the conversation managed to arrange to meet my friend and Godson, the meeting went ahead and about a week later I got a text message from my friend telling me she was back with the father.

 

I was gutted, because I knew that although I would still see my Godson and friend that I wouldn't be needed in the same way to play the father role. I was also upset that my friend who had spent the previous nine months saying that she didn't want the father in her childs life even going as far as to go to a solicitor to try and stop his access rights, had notonly let him into the babies life but had got back with him in the space of a week.

 

Through a combination of anger and jealousy I became more and more argumentative with my friend, through the course of the arguments we both said things intended to hurt the other. It got the point where last night we agreed to end our friendship. After I had cooled down and thought about it I sent her a text message outlining why I had become so bitter, she never responded which I took as a sign that she didn't want to reconcile, immediately I felt happier as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. But today I received a message from her saying that she still wanted to be friends but I had to accept she was back with the father and stop acting like a p***k.

 

Immediately I started feeling confused again. On the one hand I want to be friends because before all this we got on really well and I really and I enjoyed spending all my free time with her and the baby even as most of the friendships I formed at University ended through a combination of people quitting and me spending so much time with her and the baby, but on the other hand I don't know if I can control my feelings and feel like a clean break could be best for both of us. I have no idea what to do.

[secret_agent_man]

It sounds like you're in a hard spot. I'm sure you have your doubts about why she got back with the childs father, but as long as he's not harmful in any way to her, it may be good for the child. If you don't know him, hesitate before you judge him. When I was born, my father sort of did the same thing. He was scared, so he ran and hid. My mother took a long time to forgive him, but although she or I haven't seen him since, we have forgiven him. It's a tough thing especially when your young. He may have seen that he was being replaced by you and realized what he should do. He may still care for her and the child, but might have been too afraid to admit it even to himself. Try to remain a part of their life, mainly the child's. You sound like you could be just a positive influence for all involved, being that you care for their well-being.

 

On another note, make sure that she is with him for the right reasons. If she still cares about him but he's not good for her, try to figure out a way to make her realize that without causing a problem. It will be hard for her to deal with, so be careful. It may be beyond your control.

 

Good luck!

 

[crookster_man]

Your last paragraph answered your own question. Cut ties, some things are left in the past. It's clear that she doesn't want to be with you. Can you be just a friend? Do you really want to be a father? Why is it that you need to be a father? You're still so young.

 

Live your life; meet people your age who are on the same wavelength and on a similar path. Let her be. You can be her friend in time, but right now you need your space. This is how the world works. People come and go, why cause yourself undo suffering? For what?

[secret_agent_man]

Yea, as much as I like my own point of view , that's a very reasonable approach, too. It may be best to not get caught up in it. You are still young, and always remember that none of them are your responsibility. It's easy to take on responsibility for someone when you care, but some things are just better left alone. Besides that, it's probably out of your control. You must realize that they share a huge bond through their child, and that may make the situation too tough for you to worry about...

 

Good luck!

[kdreger]

You're in a crappy spot but it happens. You aren't the first person that it's happened to and you won't be the last.

 

The other guys gave good advice. I'd hit the road. See, you filled a role while the father was gone but he's back and no matter how much it might hurt, he's more important. It doesn't matter that you were there when he wasn't, he is linked to them both in a way that you will never be.

 

Look at it this way, you may have helped that child in ways that he won't know, won't be able to thank you but will always be a better person for it. By being there for his mother, you helped her through a tough time and not only caused the father to come back but helped make it possible for it to happen. You possibly gave that child his father back - you have done a selfless deed that will enrich that child's life in ways no one will ever know. So don't feel sad, feel happy and proud that you've already had a positive effect on someone's life.

[secret_agent_man]

Look at it this way, you may have helped that child in ways that he won't know, won't be able to thank you but will always be a better person for it. By being there for his mother, you helped her through a tough time and not only caused the father to come back but helped make it possible for it to happen. You possibly gave that child his father back - you have done a selfless deed that will enrich that child's life in ways no one will ever know. So don't feel sad, feel happy and proud that you've already had a positive effect on someone's life.

 

Wow, what a thought. Don't forget that one.