is there a chance for me

[texasman123]

sorry had trouble with the posting

 

so here it is-

 

I dated a girl for about a year. It was an amazing relationship when we were together. She was previously in a 4 yrear realtionship with a guy that I guess did not treat her too well and that she eventually had enough of and kicked him out. She had been aprt for him for about a year before she met me. We hit it off but she was very causious at first and things went slowly. I got along well with her friends and vice versa. I even heard that she told a friend that I was "the one".

 

I was staring to fall for her pretty hard, but she would do the weirdest things. She would "freak out" and end the realionship after each progression. she ended things after we first kissed, after first sex, after our first trip together, and after the first "I love you" whcih she said firsy very confidently and passionately. We would always get back within the next few days and I chalked it up to a hrad past and trust issues. Things were alwyas great when we got back. She would say int he breakups that i was more into her than she into me and that we never fought whioch was bad, and that she was not sure of her life and future (she hates her job), etc., etc. this was weird to hear though as I have been in numerous relationship sand I always ended things and the exs always felt I was not nice to them and not attentive to them. I was really making an effort with this girl becasue of how I felt, and was neverin her face about anything. 3 of the 4 trips we took were her idea. She met my parents 2 times while she always had me over to hers.

 

the next time this happened was when we booked a trip together to go away. she was the one that suggested it, and then freaked after it was all booked. She said it just put pressure on her and made her scraed. I flipped. She was almost happy I was mad, but the next few days she acted weird again and she again broke things off. This time was serious since we needed to cancel the trip.

 

She started to text me again and call me after a week, and this was the familiar pattern of getting back so I assumed it would probably happen again, although I was not sure what to do this time or how I felt. She started calling and we would have 2 hour converstaions in which she would get emotional and cry at the end and text me and say how she missed me.

 

We then went out to dinner and had a great time (4 hours) hanging out. We had a very passionate kiss and she started crying a shaking and hugging me and wishing things were different. I stayed nocommital. She started again to text every few dyas and we again would talk for hours. I was not mad at her, as she was never mean or cruel about any of this. I was just waiting and seeing. I did go out on a few dates during this time. they were okay but nothing comparable.

 

then came new years. We did not spend it together, or text or talk. BUT, the next day she text'd that she wanted to go out to dinner this week. It had been about four weeks since the break-up. I said sure, and we ended up talking that night and she started crying aain. I asked if she wanted me to come ove and she said she did, but it would be a bad idea. she even text'd me after we got off the phone to say she was sorry and that she did want me but it would make things hard. We ended up hangin out the next day. It was sort of weird at first but then got back to normal and we hae a blast together. When dropping her off, we kissed for a while and she said how it was amazing to kiss me, and how i was so different from other guys she had kissed (I guess one on new years). I pushed to go inside, but she said it would be bad. I continued to push and then she got a little forcful in her no's. I definitely pushed too hard and she was a little perturb about it. We ended the conversation with me saying I thouhg that we might not be able to hang out as friends. she reluctanly agreed.

 

Since then she text'd me a few time and called me once, where she wanted advice about something. It was a fine conversation and we really never got into the realtionship. It has been about a week now and I have got nothing. I miss her a bunch, but am not sure how to take this. I feel like there is a just a block with her and it has nothing to do with me, but i don;t know. She went on a bunch of dates before me and nothing happened, and certainly hadn;t met anyone while we were dating. that could have chnaged recently, but I don;t know.

 

I have been good about not contacting her but having her come to me. It has worked well, although It is harder to not hear from her. Like I said its been a week. what do people think in terms of chances to get back?

 

I think that in this case it takes time, like 3 months or so for the change of herat. she really needs to experience life without meand vice versa. I think with the nature of things though that I have a pretty good shot. thoughts?

 

I know its long shot and I am prepared to move on and have in some ways, but I do truly miss her and would consider taking her back if she came back. am I being sound in practice?

[newts]

no, there is not if we can't help you on your unfinished post

[sweetharmony]

by the sound of your relationship, it sounds like she'll come back. it does sound like she loves you, however, she is scared and freaks out at every interval of commitment. i know many people say for him not to call her, to let her come back, but sometimes, those weho are scared may be fearful of letting thier guards/walls down of letting people in. maybe she needs a little reasurrance. you need to have a mature discussion about where you're going. tell her how you feel. maybe her texting you was a sign for you to take the lead. don't play games back. just tell her,

 

"i really care for you and want to try this relationship. if you need time, i'll give it to you. if you want to try again, let's be open, honest and communicate. if you get scared, let's talk first before breaking up-b/c i can't go through this anymore."

 

if she can't give you a straight answer or can't work on it maturely, then you have to let go.

how many times can you do this to yourself? tell her you ar thre for her and that relationships go through ups and downs. mayeba little reassurance is what she is lookign for. mayeb the no contact on your part isn't what's going to work. it sounds in your situation that she wants you to chase after her-but that's not healthy either.

 

i can tell you, i made the mistake of breaking up with a great guy b/c i was scared. i have the chance to try and work on things and i'm messing up b/c i'm scared. i'm not taking the lead, b/c i'm stubborn and feel thigns should be the way they were-when he was pursuing me and surprising me all the time. now, he's taking a backstep and seems unintersted. so, i'm unsure of where to go and now even more fearful. i try to see if he wants to make plans, but he doesn't really ask or commit to a date? do i ask him out. i don't want to be the fool, now. am i wasting my time, is he stringing me along b/c he has noone else now?

[texasman123]

I reassure her tons. She knows that I am a rock for her. She claims the biggest problem is that I was too nice to her and that she felt that she didn't derserve it. She would often be weird about asking me to do stuff, and then once, when pressed, she stated "i'm just not used to someone wanting to do things with me". It seems she almost wants me to treate her porrly and feels that I am too good to her..

[sweetharmony]

she sounds as though she has sel esteem problems too. the only thing you can do, if the two ahve you ahve talked openly and honestly is to let go. tell her one mroe time that you can't go on like this and until she wants an adult relationship where there are no games, then you can't wait around for her. give her some time and only take her back one more time if she proves herself.

 

what else can you do? you allow her to gt back together break up-you continue the cycle-even though you don't initiate it. let her realize what she lost without you. but don't allow her to walk all over you either. be patient, but firm. you can't continue this cycle over and over again.

[texasman123]

thats possible. But if thats the case then I really do not want this to end because she is so great. If it really is her. and I feel that is is based on the circumstances because,

 

1. she always wanted to come back (if she didn't want to be with me she would have just stayed away when it was less of a relationship and easier to move on)

2. she cries almost all the time on the phone when talking.

3, does not want to get off the phone when talking.

4. the pattern shows that it is the events that cause the emotion and not just being with me. She even got scared when she finally solld the house that her and her Ex lived intogether ofr about a year.

 

I will/am be/ing patient. But, does that give me a chance?

[sweetharmony]

she sounds a lot like me. i recently broke up witha great guy. why? b/c he started talking about the future. he was wonderful-always surprising me. like always, i find something wrong with the ones who are wonderful. but now he's not so into me, i realize i made a huge mistake. i realize my childish behavior and need to face up to them. perhaps my fear stems from insecurity and an emotionally abusive relationships in the past. or my inability to let go of the past. every time i get close, i pull away. i couldn't even tell my last bf of a year i loved him-for fear of vulnerability. it's hard b/c i don't want to be hurt. yet i keep choosing the very men who will in fact hurt me...and those that are too nice, i reject. i'm learning to see this inevitability and until i get help for it, i can't be in any relationship. i will continue the same patterns. i can't speak for her, but the same thing goes. she's not ready for a relationship. she needs to work through her fears-counselling. i believe she will come back. you sound great and she will miss you tons. but she will leave you again, as seen through this neverending cycle. until she can get help or sort through her emotions and realize you're not going to wait around forever. or until she just grows up a little.

[texasman123]

I hear what you are saying and I agree as I ahve thought this for her. I see almost pain in her in not being able to just let go and enjoy things. Its like she has to block herself; she knows it; and she is helpless to it. I even see the same sort of pattern with her friends. A part of me just feels that I should let go and move on. to be honest, as hurt as I am and as much as I miss her, I have always been able to move on from things like this. I almost don't want to move on though. I almost want the pain and hurt to continue.

 

In a way I think she needs help and I want to help her. In another way my parents (both psychologists) tell me I need to just let her go completely and be better off. I'm not worried about metting someone else, and i know thta I could probably find someone that I have a similar connection to. I have always beena very confindent (borderline arrogant) person and I have to say that she brought out a more delicate side of me that I really did not know exsited. to be honest I am almost glad to feel this strong of a loss, since I have had many girlfriends and have never really felt their loss as much. what also makes it harder is that she is an absolute sweetheart. she really never does any of this in anger, but rather seems more tortured than I am going through it.

 

Thanks sweetharmoney as your words are helping. As someone that can give a minor look into maybe what she is going through, what should I do to still be there for her? What is she looking for from me? how can I get to place with her that things stay solid? I can feel the love from her, I just need her to trust it. Thoughts?

[sweetharmony]

you seem so darling. it seems as though she needs a rock like you in her life and she doesn't realize it yet. i can see she's so scared. usually, people like her need stablity, yet they thrive on excitement and drama. she will soon realize that stability is more improtant than romance and drama. i realized this many times. the grass is never greener (unless he wasn't worth it). and stability is much ebtter than a few months of romance and those excited new feelings of "love" which are really dopamine and other chemicals in our brain. those never last-what's really left is commitment-that's love and i'm slowly realizing this. hopefully, she will too. but she needs to go through the loss of you to realzie it. maybe after some time, she will come back to you. don't wait around, be there for her and keep the lines of communication open. be you...friendly and warm, but let her make the decision. only time will tell... (cheesy cliche-i had to add).

[texasman123]

That's pretty much how I have been handling things. She has had some touble with her job recently and she called to get some advice on how to handle it, and about another idea that she had for a new job. I have helped her in the past with some of these things, although I must say that she is not at all needy, in fact just the opposite. One of the things she said is that she is really trying to handle being alone more (ie no friends, family as much).

 

It's amazing how you hit right on the head exactly what I think she is like. she strives for stability. Has never moved out of the state (i have many times and come back); she has kept her job 4 years after college; she is very close to her family; she is very clean and organized; and cooks and bakes to level of perfection; but she does seem to invite drama. I can;t imagine she enjoys it, but there is always drama in her life; Be it with me or friends or family or work. Its always one of those. I hope she realizes before I move on that I want to be that person for her, and that things can be so great and happy for us together (as they always have been). I want to think that. I think deep down she knows that we are different. I just hope that she will do something about it. what have you felt has kept you from doing something about your feelings in the past?

[Big Jim]

I am in a very similar situation, but my question is for sweet harmony, when you say she has to experince the loss, what is the best way, cut her off completely? or be her friend? If he/I am always there for our respective exs, then would they not ever experince what it is like without us?

[sweetharmony]

be nice. don't cut off completely, show you still care. but don't contact all the time. maybe call every now and then. you don't want to play games, but show that you're not a doormat. tell her, you're there for her when she is ready. if and only if you are free and want to get back. don't wait around. but don't be cut off. otherwise, there will be too much anger if you just cut off and it will be hard to reconcile.

 

i'm at a loss as to what to do right now. the guy i dated for a few months. i broke up with him and now realized i made a mistake. he's giving me little chance to make it up. i'm not a chaser, but i've been calling and he's been receptive to my plans, but doesn't call me to make plans. he invited me to party this weekend (along with my friends) but just as friends. i haven't made a huge effort and when i invited him to dinner, it got screwed up b/c of his schedule and then othr plans got screwed up b/c i was late. so i think he thinks i'm a flake now and won't make plans with me. i've been calling him. we talked tuesdsy, and he told me he would call yesterday, but he didn't. now the tables have turned. i'm not sure if he wants me to make more of an effort or isn't interested anymore. HELP!

[texasman123]

sweetharmoney,

 

In your case this guy obviously wants you in his life, but is afraid that you will do the same thing to him that you did before. Don't worry about what he thinks. As someone that was dumped by you, he is a little hurt still and might not trust you completely. Try to make him feel overly comfortable with how you feel. Ask him to do things. be confident towards him that you want to do things with him, and you guys will eventually move towards being together. That is my advice right now...

[Big Jim]

Hey sweet harmony

Just a question for you because you said you did the same thing. My girl told me repeatedly over the last while, and told her brother (who is my friend) that she ended it because she was sarced to need someone like she did and sarced to depend on someone completely. Over the last two months we have been broken up, we would have an amazing week together, then she would do something completely out of character almost to mess things up on purpose. Does this fit in with the whole sarced thing? she has some issues with dependance on someone, since her parents marriage is less then ideal and her mom always tells her to be independent. I guess my question is as someone who got sarced yourself, this is kind of behavior explained by being sarced???

[sweetharmony]

this sounds a lot like me. but everyone is different. i csn relate to having parents with an awful marriage-fighting, screaming. i wished they would divorce. marriage freaks me out, yet it's somethign i desperately want. i struggle continually with trying to be dependent, yet always end up dependent. it freaks me out. i vassillate b/w the two b/c i'm afraid of becoming depedent on someone like my mom) who is dependent on my dad and it would be very difficult for her to leave this emotionally abusive marriage. yet, in my heart, i want someone to love and care for me. but the minute i get it. i feel like i don't deserve it or don't want it. gosh,why are we so messed up? on;y her ewalizing this mistake and getting help will help her. otherwise she is a slave to her emotions and will always be tied in this neverending cycle-the codependent dance-push pull.i need you. i don't need you. read about co-dependency. it's the awful truth.

[Big Jim]

sweet harmony

What is the best thing i can do? it is hard because i have like three classes with her and she always wants to sit by me. Its so odd because she pulled away two weeks ago saying this had to end, etc, but she cannot seem to let me go. I would have left but i love her and want to be there for her because i do help her a lot, monday she was so depressed and asked to stop by, by the end of the night she was happier then id seen her in months.

Also there is this guy she has been friends with for years, who now has a thing for her and she hangs out with him once in a while. She knows it bothers me right now, and i questioned her about why after us having an amazing two weeks or so together would she go and do this and lie to me about it, all she can say is she doesnt know what she is doing, she just freaks out when we get close again and messes it up by doing that kind of stuff. I know in my heart she is not a cheater, this i know, but she is completely irrational. Her own mom told me she doesnt even know her daughter half the time these days. Does any of this make sense to you? the whole thing has me so confused. Everytime i feel i should cut her off, she does something that shows me the girl ive known for 3 years, and just how confused she is and i cannot bring myself to do it. Also she dated someone for a year and a half before me, and he brunt her bad, but that was 2.5 years before we started. I know shes over him cause he wanted her back a while ago, but she was always afraid to get close. She would then pull back. She continually tells me she thinks im too good for her, and that scares her.

To sum it up, everytime i show im letting her go, she clings on for dear life, but as soon as we are comfortable again, she screws it up bad, this keeps happening. Since i see her in class it is hard to avoid her. As someone who seems very similar , could you tell me what you think please????

[sweetharmony]

it's som hard to say, because the situation is not lack and white nor are we the same person. so i don't know what could be going on in her head. but from my experience, i continually try to "test" my boyfriends. i had a boyfriend of four years who stuck with me through hell-break ups and get back together, until finally i realized he was there for me. then, things calmed a bit and we were finally able to have a more peaceful relationship (living together) once i felt safe and knew he wasn't going anywhere. it finally just became comfortabel and he proved that he was there. but of course, every time things didn't go my way, i'd get freaked out (didn't break up at this point) but maybe threatened. it's just not healthy. the boyfriends that i really didn't love, i just ended it without going back. i only clinged to the ones i really cared for.

 

at this point, you can't do much. show concern, but don't let her walk all over you. she'll lose respect (even if she thinks she wants to be put on a pedestal). but don't treat her poorly. be her friend for now, until she can sort out her confusion. call her every now and then and keep communciation open, but don't beg or take her back so willingly, she needs to prove a little bit. but she also might be scared, so if she shows you any signs, be receptive and offer a little back.

[Big Jim]

so you think going the friend route is a better option then the NC? I thought so too, but everywhere i read on this is saying NC is the only way. I dont think i could just cut her off completely, no matter how big a * * * * * she is to me sometimes, when she is her old self it makes up for all of that. The way i see it, if she really loves me, i shouldnt make her miss me by avoiding her, i figure it will unfold itself. Does this make sense? or do you believe that sometimes people need to be "shocked" back into it but missing someone?

[sweetharmony]

although everyone here says nc is the best route. i have to say, it doesn't work for everyone. in fact it may be the kiss of death. every situation is different and what works for a teenager doesn't work for an adult. i realize that my child games i've played don't work on men looking for marriage. seriously. it depends what you want in life-games or a real relationship.

 

the point of NC as the moderators have discussed is for people to truly move on and rebuild their lives. it should't be used as a tactic to get your ex back. it is for knowing it's truly over and moving on. often, our exes will miss us and want us back. do they really want us back, or is it b/c they are lonely? how many breakups do you need to go throug? too many just kills the relationship. shame on you once, shame on me twice.

 

one guy i loved completely cut me out. i tried to get back with him once. he ignored my attempts and so...i took it as a hint that he wasn't interested. so i stopped contacting...and this was my four year relationship that I ended.

 

so...all people react diff. to diff. things. if he would have kept a friendship possibility, we could have tried things. but obviously he ignored me and then it told me to move on...and i did. but i'm not saying being her friend will be easy. don't be best buddies, just don't play games and shut her out.

 

also, don't expect anything from this friendship. move on...date others and rebuild from there. be receptive, but again, don't let her back into your life so easy. b/c she will not repsect you and will just take advantage as before with her constant push/pull. you deserve better than that. until she can respect you and your dedsire for a healthy relationship, you can only be there for her so much. be nice. b/c if your not...she just may move on. let her see you're wonderful and let her miss you....it's not no contact. it's minimal contact. just let her contact you and take the initiative and be open to it.

[Big Jim]

Thanks for the reply, it seems to make sense. It is such a confusing situation, my best frined who is usually rational is even at a loss. She is having so many problems, is depressed and afraid of the relationship. Yet she insists she does not consider herself single, and tells me she isnt moving on. Im at a loss, because i believe her, and things go good, then she lies and hangs out with that guy friend of hers. It kills me, because i feel im being kept in the dark sometimes, but then other times i know she is being honest. She gets so mad at me when i insinuate something is going on and she is being deicietful, and tells me i know her better then that , which i do. But part of me is doubting her now... im so mixed up by all of this. Just today i suggested we not talk as much etc, and that she is being dishonest with me, and she got so sad saying i of all people should know she isnt well and not herself, and it crushed me... what do i believe????

[sweetharmony]

i just noticed this old post which i hadn't read. i, too have so much stability in my life-i was in the same job for four years after college, tooand sucesful at it. immediately started a new job when i moved and continue to excel, despite the fact that i dislike my new job. i am stable, career oriented, clean, neat, good credit, pay bills on time, and organized in practically EVERY area of my life EXCEPT for my relationships. I think this primarily stems from my dramatic, dysfunctional family and my parents awful relationship with one another. it truly makes me fearful of what's to come i desperately want a stable relationship, yet i don't have the tools to create one. i'm slowly turning into my father-emotionally abrasive, yet educated, organized, cultured, creative and passionate about so many things. the only thing is his inability to have a healthy relationship with my mother. and here i follow in his footsteps...but i am adamant on not continuing on this downward spiral.

 

i don't know what your exes family background is...but this could be the case. i am not a psychologist nor do i know how she is, but i'm guessing. so regardless of how much of a perfectionist she is...she controls these other factors b/c she feels out of control in other areas-this a common theme for many perfectionists. they control some areas of their life b/c they feel loss of control over others.

 

the only way she will learn is to realize that she needs to learn to control her emotions and that "comfort is priceless-as she says" and maybe, hopefully she's realzing this. it took many years for me to realize this, but i am and though hard to break teh cycle of drama, i need to. real men don't play the games back and i'm learning this the hard way.

[Big Jim]

Do i continue to play it cool with her and talk to her at school, or should i just cut her off. Every day my mind changes and its killing me.

[texasman123]

Play it cool and talk to her at school. she seems like she needs support, but don't give her too much. Other than jsut being there for her on a very limitied basis, do not try too hard. Do not go overly out of the way for her. Make her come to you, but do not cut her off....

[sweetharmony]

texasman, your advice seems to fit your situation as well. listen to your heart, but also think with your head. it must be a combination of both. heart can be misleading. your head may be too rational.

[Big Jim]

thank you sweet harmony

I had an awkward time with her yesterday, saw it at school played it so cool and she was wanting more. However at night, i got super stressed about unrelated stuff which she always been the only one who helped me so i gave in and called, i needed her as a friend bad. Well she didnt answer and i went out for a while on a walk to clear my head but my phone died. When i got home my brother told me she called twice looking for me (hasnt callled my house in weeks). So i called her and she was hurt, thinking i had avoided her. Cleared that up but she was kinda pissed, which pissed me off cause i was totally in a bad space and had been there for her just last week, no questions asked. we started fighting a bit and she started implying everything that had happened to end "us" was my fault and i was pushing her away even more, man i got mad. I told her straight up that yes, i accept your having problems with life, but you are pushing me away with your lies, games, and being pissed at me all the time. I said i had enough, i had being trying to be there for her and all i get is bad moods and lies. Well she came back at me "fine i dont think we should talk anymore" and all i said was "that is fine with me", then she started "well what do you think?"and tried to justify herself, but it sarced her how little i seemed to care. She said she was sorry and just in a bad mood and lets leave it. Im still pissed about the whole thing. First time in a long time i needed her and she was * * * * *y about it. My patience is running out, i love this girl, and accept responsibilty for my actions, yes i push sometimes and make her be on the defensive, but it is hard not to with how many lies she told me. I want this to work , i want to be there, but i decided last night after (i actually cried) that i will take no more * * * *, im there if she needs me, but im not taking being treated like that. Funny thing is, it was left on kinda bad terms, but then i get a text message in class today, explaining why she wasnt there (sick, wtih stress i assume) and asking if id get her the notes. One mixed message after another. This is going to sound unhealthy but i prefer how i feel now, mad, as opposed to sad. Do you think i should still be there, or give up already???