Trust in our Relationship

[wkim31]

Ok here is my problem and I can't seem to shake it.

 

My wife and I have been married for over 7 years now, we have a daughter who will be 3 tomorrow. I am 31 and my wife is 27. My wife and I had a good first couple years, until I fell into a self esteem issue. It wasn't just one thing that put me through this, but the primary reason for it was because my wife didn't seem to be satisfied with me or it could've been in my head. Anyways, the problem mostly started when she was online talking at adult chat sites. I mean I didn't mind it at first since it seemed harmless at the time, but what happened was she started to talk to them and spent more time with them more than with me.

 

She even started saying how so and so was hot and how she fantasized about doing things with other men. I did tell her numerous times I didn't like it at all. That I wished her to stop, but she came back saying it's ok nothing is going to happen and that she's doing it for fun. So she would just basically console me back to that it's ok. It just made me feel really bad, but she never crossed the line for 5 years, but during the last 5 years she kept bringing it up every now and again. She did claim to stop 2 years ago, and I believed her. Now and again she would bring up about her fantasies about having sex with another man...etc..etc....til finally she broke me down last October and I told her to go ahead. (This was a bad mistake because I was at the lowest ever self esteem wise and I felt that to please her I have to let her) I know sounds like a dumb logic....anyways I felt bad that night, but not as bad as I did of what I found out later. Which almost cause us to split.

 

I find out though she lied, she had kept in touch with two guys. That the guy she saw last night was one of them. It's like she planned this on me, that week was horrible. Numerous fights and yadda yadda yadda...I lost all my trust for her all out the door. Yet she still thinks she did nothing wrong, while this conflict happened my wife would say things like. He turned me on when he did this, and how good looking he was...etc..etc.. Boy that started to make me pissed off on the lack of respect for me. I don't know what happened but I finally blew like a volcano. Something happened and I regained my self respect and self esteem. Well at least I started being a man again, and didn't let her run me over. She seemed shocked at all this....but anyways we decided in the end to stay togehter. But she had to promise not to talk to these guys again.

 

At the end of November though I found out she lied and she actually chatted with him a couple times between october-november. She stopped she claimed, but I forgave her thinking it would be ok. To give her another chance, but my trust of her was...way past nil! Anyways, she was fine in December but she did it again last Monday. (January 9th 2006). I'm just at a loss on what to do now. I mean should I just finally call it quits? That she is never going to stop and my trust for her is never going to be back? I mean that seems the logical thing to do. She won't seek help or won't want to try a marriage counselor. etc..etc...I'm at the crossroads i think and am ready to take the left turn towards divorce. I just don't know. Please help!

 

Thanks,

Wkim

 

PS sorry if it's choppy, just hard to post this from work being interrupted her and there.

[RayKay]

Hi wkim, and welcome to the forums

 

One thing that struck out at me is you are blaming yourself, you blame her actions on your "self esteem issue". Well, I think most people would have a "self esteem issue" if their partner was talking sexually and so forth about other men/women!

 

 

Honestly, everytime she was chatting on adult chat sites...whether you considered it harmless or not....it was weakening the intimacy you should have together as a couple. I am horrified she also rubbed that in your face. If she has met them in person, I suspect things went much further then chats too....it is quite classic that someone whom cheats will twist things around to blame YOU for not trusting, or trying to brush it off as nothing.

 

Honestly, sweetie, your wife sounds like she has very little respect for you, your relationship and your family if she is so blatantly throwing it away.

 

Her unwillingness to work on things, or seek a counsellor together, or admit any fault are pretty big indications there is something SEVERELY wrong. That is not healthy, and just indicates she will do it again, and feels NO responsibility for where you two are at now or guilt for what she has done.

 

Unless she is willing to work on it, no, your trust will not magically come back....she should be earning that trust right now, and unless she admits her part in it, it's not going to change.

 

You deserve a million times better, honestly your wife sounds narcisstic, reading this post made me feel actually sick that someone would treat someone like that, and worse I feel sad for you for not seeing it that way.

 

It's not easy as you have a daughter together, but this relationship sounds toxic, SHE sounds toxic...you can't force someone to change when they don't want to. You deserve better.

[Meow18]

I agree with RayKay completely.

 

Do not blame yourself here. You have done nothing wrong. You have done nothing to deserve this behavior from her.

 

Part of being married is being completely into that other person. She should never have gone to adult chat rooms. She should never have told you that she wants to have sex with other men. At least she was honest and didn't do anything behind your back, but that doesn't make it any better. It just means that you don't have to guess whether or not she is being faithful.

 

You deserve better. Her behavior is not going to stop. She has done it so many times and refuses to get help. That's just like saying she doesn't want to try to make your relationship better. She is the one causing your self esteem to go way down. That's pretty obvious.

 

You deserve better. And you deserve to be happy.

[Relationship Coach]

WKIM31,

 

Welcome to ENA and I'm sorry for the circumstances that has brought you to us.

 

Anyways, the problem mostly started when she was online talking at adult chat sites. I mean I didn't mind it at first since it seemed harmless at the time, but what happened was she started to talk to them and spent more time with them more than with me.

 

RED FLAG! You should of never permitted this from the beginning! Something was missing from the relationship and this was a big HINT! The lack of honest communication and respect played a big part in this. Your requests for her to stop her chatting was certainly justifiable and she lied repeatedly to you about stopping. She more than likely had physical contact with these guys long before you gave her permission which you know was a real bad idea on your part.

 

There is no question here as to what you need to do. Someone needs to be the responsible adult here, you have a child to raise. Do you want her to be the main influence in your daughters life? Is her behavior one of a good role model? You know what needs to be done, so do it. I'm really sorry for your pain but some of it was self inflicted by allowing her to do the things she did. Be strong and realize you are young enough to recover from this and someday start a new family for your daughter.

 

RC

[ratherbesailing]

wkim -

 

You're in a tough spot. You've got a wife that doesn't want a conventional marriage and hasn't for some time. Top that off with the fact that she hasn't been honest and she seems less than concerned about your feelings, hence no guilty feelings. She may come accross as confident but I'd say she's probably the one with the serious self esteem issues.

 

I'll tell you one thing, divorce is horrible, especially with kids involved. Don't give up until you feel you've exhaused every effort to work out these issues or you will regret it later. Only when you are at that point will you be able to give up without feeling guilty yourself, especially with your child around.

 

You need counseling for yourself even if she won't go at this point. Somehow you need to get control of this situation so that your wife realizes that she's racing down the path of ending the marriage. She really needs counseling but you need to at least find out why she is willing to jeopardize the marriage when she had decided before that she wanted to stay. Tell her that you can't accept cheating and lying and ask her what has changed since the last time she decided to stay. Is she really ready to give it all up without a fight? Will she ever be happy in a conventional marriage, honoring the vows that were made?

 

My wife was unfaithful, but the point that I gave up was when I realized she had no commitment what so ever to the marriage and that her only concern was for her own wants and desires, not my feelings or the kids. I know there was nothing I could have done, she just didn't want to be in a conventional marriage.

 

Good luck and don't kick yourself for past mistakes. It wouldn't hurt to talk to a lawyer so you know what divorce is really all about on paper even if you don't end up going down that road.

[wkim31]

Well, thanks for your alls advice. I guess I kind of knew the answer. I'm really going to have to think about everything. It's just hard as heck, cause I really love my wife with all my heart. It's just the worst thing I can think of happening in my life....Thanks again!

 

Wes