learning from LTR/LDR/breakup-makeup/Rebound

[luciddreamer]

Hi all,

I love this site -everyone on it is so insightful and I have always been helped by coming here. I just wanted to share my pretty complicated story of heartbreak and, hopefully, redemption for those hurting in case it is a comfort. And to share a few things I feel I've learned the hard way...

 

I was with my now ex-boyfriend in some form for four years. We met on holiday (he was visiting but we are from the same hometown) and 'hooked up' in a passionate rush, then headed into a rather tortured, long letters/email/phone romance distance relationship. I was never sure if it was what I wanted, and hated the distance, but he became the strong one, always believing, and I did come to love him.

 

We broke up once and he flew back home to convince me; after a month I agreed to try again. After a few more trips I moved to where he was going to grad school a year and a few months later, on the west coast. I was unemployed for a while and he supported me; then I found a job that was ok (bad bosses; a step down from my previous position). I started seeing a psychologist b/c of my work and relationship issues.

 

I guess I took my stress out on him somehwat. We were unhappy quite often, but then again we really grew as a couple. We had the young urban politically progressive lifestyle and shared interests. Then we both decided to go back to school; him for a MD and me for a MA. So all of a sudden our time was consumed with applications and the uncertainty of being geographically together given we couldn't control the admissions decisions. I got into a school on the east coast and since it was a full ride I went out there. We stayed together, saw each other fairly often, but I guess i was drifting and broke up with him Jan 2005.

 

So I at first figured he should be the one to change, as I blamed most of our long standing problems (his childhood abuse, acknowledged insecurity, self-esteem and nurturing issues) on these lingering effects. Then after about two months I guess I processed the fact that I had lost him and started to think about my part in it. I became really humbled and knew I had to change too, whether he took me back or not, because I had communication and intimacy issues, how to be open to someone else and respond to their needs regardless if you agree with it. I believe I changed.

 

I asked him back in March and April, but he said he was unable to "go back" and that we had spent too much time not working -- despite his strong feelings for me. I cried at least once a day for almost six weeks. It was the most excruciating thing that's ever happened to me. In May I finangled my way to see him (lying to myself that it was for closure) and we had the most amazing week together-perfect. But he still decided to go to the school 3,000 miles from our home state. I really hoped he would come home so we could have a shot, b/c I wanted to return home after many years. He said he wouldn't promise me anything, wanted to wait and see (& see other people).

 

In the summer I was a fellow at an institute with other students. I got into a passionate relationship with a mad genius type who fell for me --intelligent, fun, handsome, from excruciating hardship but had 'made it,' bi-polar, binge drinker. Wow! It was my 9 1/2 weeks. Somehow my heart didn't get wholly captured however for obvious reasons, so we parted in August. I was busy with school this past fall semester and didn't contact my ex much. But I discussed thanksgiving plans with him and he suggested one of us make a trip to see the other for the week.

 

I volunteered to go, (and refused to let him pay since he was now the one making 'less',) and spent the week out there in chicago. We had a nice time-he was busy furnishing his new apt so we were at Ikea or home depot half the time... but I loved being with him. He said he loved me, he had made a mistake, could I see myself out there? and it was so natural to just take his hand in the street and snuggle at night. We slept together a couple times. I began to get attached agian. We parted knowing that we'd be back home together for the holidays for a few weeks. I had mixed feelings-happy but a bit pissed that he was getting everything he wanted and I might have to move to make it work again.

 

Then after I got home last month things changed. We hung out one day and he seemed troubled, asked if we were still on our own (single) and I said yes, since he was so busy with school... (hoping he'd say otherwise)... it was a mess. Three days later he said he was interested in some girl from high school he reconnected with on a layover going home (a week after my trip) and "I kept haunting him," so we should just not talk for a while, etc. I wrote him a thoughtful email saying (as I told him @thxgivng) I wanted to be w/him forever and he just needed to tell me if he had a vision for us for the long term...I was willing to try to find a way through the three years.

 

Well, anyway, he didn't, and in our last face to face conversation before Xmas he said he had been spending every day with this person, (intimately,) and had lost had the drive to try and make it work with me. He mentioned how she adored him, how it felt like how it felt at first with me, how our sex life had made him feel like something was wrong with him, even mentioned my penchant for leaving jars ajar(!). He is a very good person. but I even heard something like "I still love you... but I feel like I have to lose you to get you back." Eh??! Basically a mix of pretty silly excuses and real reasons known/unknown to me. I cried my eyes out, but realized it was really over. I had too much pride to beg under the circumstances. It was the same confused story heard many times on this board.

 

She's a recent divorcee, in school 2000 mi from him, and, well, you can see he's got things to figure out (Him: "I know it won't work. I just want to make believe...") I just hope they give each other companionship and since he wants to not feel the void of what he's let go, that it's working for him. That's my story. I've been returning to a lot of budd hist readings for perspective. I recommend them to anyone who is healing after a breakup.

 

The teachings are all about letting go of attachments and desires that twist our minds; that our suffering is only a mental reaction to latching on to things that are by nature impermanent. They're about how to let things rise and fall as they are intended. It really gives me peace, because I know I did all I could and now it's time to s tep away and stop fighting. Listening to what your original mind (wisdom) knows is the truth, and if the end has come, then letting things be as they are.

 

Anyway, wanted to share one other insight. I had some warning signals of his lack of backbone/penchant for confusion AT THE BEGINNING and in between, but I ignored them or dealt with them wrongly. EG., we initially got together when he already had a girlfriend; he lied to her when he got back and had a hard time breaking it off. I too had periods of uncertainty and attraction to others, etc., though I didn't cheat. From this I have come to believe in karma (kamma in the Tibetan tradition), the effect and accumulation of past actions and conduct.

 

I do think that we should be careful to not overlook signs of incompatibility or character weaknesses at the *beginning* of a new relationship despite our euphoria, since we can cause ourselves a lot of pain in the long run... like I did. I also think that by starting off like we did, it was unhealthy (sounds trite, but bad karma) and it ended just like it began, with him slithering from one thing to the next when he knew he had a backup.

 

I suppose some people can become lotus blossoms in the mud and come from rebounds or sketchy circumstances, but I will try to be stronger and more mindful to improve the chances it will work for the long run. I'm not ready to jump in yet, but when I do I hope it will be a keeper this time. I've got lots of growing to do myself.

 

Lastly, don't get caught up in Myspace or friendster ex-tracking/photo posting crap! One casual look at his comments from her made me swear off it permanently. I'm doing 100% better now by focusing on getting myself back in one mental piece. Many interesting people are out there!

 

thanks for listening and any thoughts on eastern faith traditions in the process of healing would be welcome.

SORRY so long... I'm a writer.

[pos69sum]

can you recommend any books or websites to read?

[newts]

Although you seem to really miss him and what you shared together, however, you are the one who is making yourself a better person and moving on to bigger and better things.

 

Keep up the positivity and the spirituality books, I read them and they really seemed to put things into prespective on a spiritual level.

 

You have a very big and bright future a head of you young lady. Have fun in the journey of life.

[Frangipani]

I really good book I read a few years back that helped me no end and still read is called "Are you the one for me?", by Barbara DeAngelis. It's about choosing the right people and what traits to look out for in people that are toxic to relationships. Also teaches you about the the things that you SHOULD be looking for and how to break old patterns.

[Jut]

"I had some warning signals of his lack of backbone/penchant for confusion AT THE BEGINNING and in between, but I ignored them or dealt with them wrongly"

This is a great thing you observed/learned.

I guess this is what i also learned from my break up. There were signals at the beginning , but i ignored those signs coz i was pushing myself to be in love with an incompatible person. Totally different values and thoughts about things. But i guess it did make me matire enough for future relationhips, to know what i want.

[redandblack]

I love posts like this. I wish that everyone who is on here now will eventually post their piece of knowledge that was gained through the entire experience. One thing really stuck out to me.

 

I suppose some people can become lotus blossoms in the mud and come from rebounds or sketchy circumstances, but I will try to be stronger and more mindful to improve the chances it will work for the long run. I'm not ready to jump in yet, but when I do I hope it will be a keeper this time. I've got lots of growing to do myself.

 

This is very true. I feel the same way too. I think that the next relationship I get into will be my last. While our exs run from person to person without wondering what THEY did wrong, we are reflecting on everything and improving ourselves. We win again!

[healinginnyc81]

I agree with redandblack, I think although for most of us, our ex's seem to have moved into new relationships and SEEM to be doing better. I really think in the long term we will come out just as good and probably better, because we've been forced to reflect on ourselves and on the reasons why the relationship failed. I know from the times I talked with my ex about the reasons for the breakup that she seems to be lying to herself and just making up anything when the real reason we fell apart is that we had too much stress with school and we spent all our time together and ended up stressing and depressing each other. We still got each other through a lot but then after almost three years when she met another guy who seemed more fun and outgoing, she fell for him and starts finding all these reasons why we're incompatible including "we're too similar to be together."

 

I really think that by taking our time to really understand what went wrong and what qualities really made us incompatible or what signs there were that we shouldn't be together, we will be much better off in the future.

 

Of course, that means I have to have patience. Not one of my virtues.

[friscodj]

"I had some warning signals of his lack of backbone/penchant for confusion AT THE BEGINNING and in between, but I ignored them or dealt with them wrongly"

This is a great thing you observed/learned.

I guess this is what i also learned from my break up. There were signals at the beginning , but i ignored those signs coz i was pushing myself to be in love with an incompatible person. Totally different values and thoughts about things. But i guess it did make me matire enough for future relationhips, to know what i want.

 

Oh yeah! Me too! Too many times!

 

Great original post! That one's a re-reader for sure. Sounds like things are getting better for you. Man I love this site...

 

Any references on the Buddist readings?

[luciddreamer]

Thanks everyone for your positive support and commentary...

Let's all learn from loss and heartbreakng experiences. I heard it once that you don't really grow up until you've had your heart broken; well, I guess I became an adult at 28 7/12 years old. I feel much older and wiser...

 

My ex says he's grown immensely from our experience and is reflecting a lot, but since he's moved right along, isn't that like trying to talk about the sun from down inside a well? He wrote me today after over 3 wks ( It was totally out of the blue; we agreed to NC to get over things) and it was basically a repeat of our last conversation and restating how we never changed and he lost the energy to at the end. Because I have accepted that whoever's right or wrong, it doesn't matter anymore, I think I was much less upset. Still, it brought back a reminder of how he used to want us together forever...

 

For those who mentioned readings... try some of these. I liked them; I was raised protestant and believe in God, but at the same time the majority of timeless basic principles of Buddhism are actually secular in nature.

 

wry, accessible writing style by american guy who became monk of thai forest order. any writings on four noble truths, i think, are helpful...

'zen and the art of falling in love' Brenda Shoshanna -- sometimes the 'exercises' aren't too concrete, but some of the basic principles and parallels to difficult relationship situations often faced rung very true.

Any book by Thich Nhat Hanh.

I just read "Everything Arises, Everything Falls Away" by Ajahn Chah and it was simple, relatively short, and prompted some good insight.

This 'clearinghouse' has a number of topics:

 

 

Best wishes to everyone.

[luciddreamer]

Everyone,

This is an excerpt from an email I got from my ex described above after 3 wks NC (it's his response to my closing email after we talked and agreed that since he had lost hope and was seeing someone, it was time to break up for good).

 

What psychological adjectives would you say he is displaying with his words... what kind of emotions? I know I'm biased, so I'm curious... thanks...

 

I can't lie to you...I think about you a lot even though I am with

someone and even though I feel the same about you as I did a month ago. I

think about you intensely-what made us happy, what made us sad and most

importantly what kept us apart.

 

I was just hoping that things would eventually change between us. I was

hoping that I would see more of the excitement in you that made me fall in

love with you. I was hoping to be adored in the way that I wanted to adore

you. There were a handful of times that we would stay up talking all night and

I wish we could have done that so many more times but our lives outside of

each other consumed us. [...] The reality is though that you never really changed you now that? (sic) From this I have grown so immensely. You don't even know the half of it. If I had to do this over and do it right I would do it in a heartbeat. Sometimes, I think I am over you and sometimes I turn over in bed hoping that you are there

adoring me in the way that I longed for for many years. Like I said before though, you

can't change the past. You were wrong, I did dream of forever for a long long

time. [...] By the time the end came around and you persisted that things

between us would change ... I did not see it happening. When did you sense that I lost hope? I always saw us together forever. I

really did but I could not carry on anymore. I'm so sorry.(Then thanks me for helping shape who he is...)

[redandblack]

Hey,

 

He still misses you, but it sounds like he is blaming you indirectly for the way he feels. He still has a lot of growing and realization to do. He needs to realize that he is the master of his feelings. Not you or anyone else.

 

Take care