I'd be grateful for some advice...

[Jaimie]

The whole situation between me and ex is very complicated so for the sake of brevity I'll make it brief: We split in July 2004 because she cheated (all the details can be found in my previous posts) We were together for 5 years. I let her stay living in our house for another 10 months afterwards as she had nowehere else to go. This of course was pure torture.

 

She finally moved out in march 2005. Since then I have completely ignored her. This doesn't mean I don't feel for her still. I do, big time. We had such a strong connection and if I could, I would get back with her. Problem is, I'm too stubborn and can't get past what happened.

 

Anyway...she suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, big time. It's getting worse and it kills me that I can't help her. She now lives a few miles away from me and I know she's suffering. She often texts me/emails me/msgs me on msn telling me how she misses me and she's thinking about me etc. I know she wants comfort from me because she knows I'm the only one who can understand. I desperately want to be there for her, to help her, be friends etc but I stop myself because I still have feelings for her.

 

I feel like I'm abandoning her in her darkest hour. I'm torn between being friends with her and offering her support and just continuing to ignore her and get on with my life. She emailed me today and she clearly needs me and I am not the type of person to turn my back on someone in need.

 

I want to put the past behind me and be there for her but whenever I have contact with her I'm just reminded about what happened, how our relationship failed, how she is going to end up with someone else and not me...and it kills me.

 

What should I do? Swallow all my pride, forget the past and just be there for her or just continue to ignore her?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[DN]

Putting it bluntly - you are her ex-boyfriend not her therapist. I think that trying to help her while you still have feelings for her but also don't want to put the relationship back together would be very difficult.

 

Do you know if she is seeing a therapist or if her family or other friends could help?

[Jaimie]

Hi DN. Thanks for the reply.

 

She is italian and is living in London so she's away from her family. To give you a better idea of her state of mind, this is the email she sent me today, in response to an email I sent her asking her to stop contacing me.

 

"You know what? I wish that the description of my life you have in your head was true. I wish it was all sex and guys and freedom. I wish it so much because I'm in hell. I've been for a long time and I will be forever probably and nobody will ever be able to get close to me again becaus e I'm sick and I can't deal with people. I've got almost no contact with Anna, we grew apart and hardly see each other. I stay home most of the time. I had a record of 8 days at home without going out at all. My parents are very sad, they're suffering because of me, because they can't help me...my friends think Im just being selfish and that I don't care about them coz I can't tell them the truth. I'm alone, completely alone here so you stop * * * *ing pretend to know what Im thinking or feeling or going through coz you don't know * * * * about how it feels. Yes, I was trying to find some comfort and peace from you because you know me better than anybody else and you know how my illness effects me and you're the only one who understands, but my God, could I be more wrong than seeking your help? Forget it. I won't contact you again because I dont want you to send me those kinds of emails.

 

This is it then. No more * * * *ing contact. Happy now?"

 

My email to her was not malicious in any way.

 

"I really don't know what you want from me. Why send me messages saying "I'm thinking about you?". All that does is make me feel sad and remind me again that our relationship failed. Why do you think of me anyway? Why ask my Mum if I have a girlfriend? What's the point? Why do you care? You wanted out - now you're out. You wanted someone better than me - so go find him. Do you still have feelings for me? Do you want to get back together? If so, then say so. If not - why contact me?

 

I just want to be left alone to remember the Elisa that I love and will always love: the untouchable Elisa of my memory. The girl that liked orange juice but didn't like oranges. The girl who chewed everything 25 times, including soup. The girl with the uncynical heart of gold. The Elisa that existed before being corrupted by that morally bankrupt, swedish whoring * * * * * "friend" of yours. She stole you from me and for that I hate her. I have never hated a person in my life but I am truly ashamed to say that I hate her.

 

Whenever you contact me it makes me think of how she's probably encouraging you to * * * * around like she does and * * * * anything that moves. How she's still orchestrating the gradual erosion of your moral values and self-respect. How she's still poisoning your mind with god knows what. The saddest thing is, I imagine you share the same attitude to life now that she does: Sex, sex, sex. Guys. Guys. Guys. Because that's all that matters, right? It makes me sick to think about it. You can't see it because you're in the zone but one day, years from now, you will see her for what she really is. I don't want to think about these things but whenever you contact me then I do.

 

It kills me that you're alone and suffering from OCD and I can't help you. It kills me that we can't be friends. I want nothing more than to be near you, talk to you, hug you but it's not possible. Thinking of you is too painful for me. Thinking about how you're sleeping with other guys and how you're going to end up with someone else is too painful for me. Every time you contact me, these thoughts come rushing through me and and I feel profound sadness.

 

Just please forget me and get on with your life - the life that you have chosen. As I've said many times before, I want nothing but the best for you in your life and I wish you all the luck in the world with whatever you do.

 

Just let me go.

 

As for me - I will continue to remember my beloved Elisa, who now only exists in my memories"

 

The point is, I still have feelings for her and I would love nothing more than to be back with her. Maybe she just needs me as some emotional crutch? Maybe she has feelings for me still. Who knows? I just can't stand the thought of her suffering so much and me not being there for her, hence the feeling that I'm abandoning her.

[DN]

You are not abandoning her - she abandoned you. And why is she not seeking treatment?

 

You are asked her if she wanted to get back with you and she failed to answer. So what does she want from you? - comfort and peace, she claims. But how is she going to get that from an ex-boyfriend who still loves her?

 

You can't be her boyfriend because she does not want that.

 

You can't offer her what she wants because she does not want you as her boyfriend and you can't be anything else without damaging yourself.

 

I also doubt that in either case you would be able to help her in the way she so clearly needs which is treatment from a qualified psychologist.

[luciddreamer]

I agree with DN; having known someone with OCD, it's important for her to seek help. Your reply was not malicious but it is clear that there are strong feelings about what happened and her friends, so it might stir up heated emotions for her and she clearly isn't in the mental state to withstand agitation. It seems you've been supportive but are justified in wanting space to heal, so I would be firm about it. No one can _make_ another feel anything; ultimately we can't go on feeling guilty for others' state of mind in cases like these. Good luck