Am I overreacting?

[HAYLE]

I just need some advice. I am 48 and my husband of 4 months is 47. We lived together for about a year before we got married. I knew that he looked at porn some and we talked about it but told him I understood the need for it for men at times. Yes I have been reading all of the posts on here about porn and we all have different views. I just found out quite by accident that he has been looking at porn at least every chance he gets. This isn't the problem. The problem is that every porn site that he has been on is "Teen". Yes I know they are legal, but some of these girls are dressed and really do look like they are 14 yrs. old. I can understand the desire to look at porn and our sex life is good and I know that he finds me attractive. He shows me all the time. I just can't get the images out of my head or understand why of all the stuff on the net that he wants to see "barely legal", teens. Any help would be appreciated.

[novaseeker]

I would suggest you discuss your concerns with him. It would appear he has a fetish for fantasies of being with young women ... note that this is different from pedophilia, because the women depicted are (hopefully!) of legal age, but it is not an uncommon sexual fetish among men. In fact, a good deal of what is portrayed in porn represents one or other sexual fetish rather than simple, striaghtforward sex. But I'd suggest discussing it with him if you're concerned by it.

[BellaDonna]

Hayle,

 

I don't think you're over-racting. I can see why the concept bothers you. Personally, I really don't care if my husband looks at porn- but there is some porn that I find unacceptable: in particular:

 

*anything involving "rape" fantasies

 

*anything involving violence/degradation of a partner

 

*anything involving references to children or underaged teens (even if the women pictured are of legal age- they are clearly marketed otherwise).

 

Luckily my husband isn't into that kind of stuff, or we'd have big problems, to say the least. The porn he chooses, although far from classy, does not have any degrading or criminal/sex crime undertones.

 

I recall being 13 years-old- I developed breasts/ curves early- but clearly was still a child, and walking home from school with my pink bookbag- there was a group of "dirty old men" outside of a coffee shop that said dirty things to me daily that I should not even have known the meaning of at that age. There is no doubt in my mind that those dirty slimballs would be the consumers for porn advertised as "teen porn". There is something inherently different about men like that, as opposed to the average man who just looks at more "normal" porn.

 

Sure, we all like to look at models of human perfection- and a young person's body is often attractive and a turn-on. But those things can still be viewed without being marketed as "teen porn" ...and without having to pretend that the person is 14 years-old- because in REALITY, a grown man or woman wanting to have sex with a 14 year-old is criminal thought process. That's my opinion anyway.

 

As novaseeker suggested, you really need to talk to your husband about this.

 

As him WHY he likes the idea of a teen. Is it because he wants them to be inexperienced, vulnerable, or naive? Is it power he is looking for- or to play "daddy". Are you a powerful woman who intimidates him, so he has fantasies of being with a "teen" who is less knowledgeable/gullible etc.

 

BellaDonna

[HAYLE]

Thank you for your replies. I'm not crazy after all. No I am not a powerful woman who intimidates him. Quite the opposite. He can talk to me about anything and he knows that. Now his ex-wife was and I think he has been doing this for several years. I'm just having a hard time getting over this teen thing. He says that none of it is real which I understand-but we have a lot to work through.

[PersonalMe]

i deffinatley think u should talk to him ..or make a simple question like "when we have sex? what do u think of?" and see if he tells u soemthing like a teenager or something, obviously he wont tell u at the first try, but just keep talking about it, or ask him how he feels about teen porn and why. conversation should be the best solution.

[HAYLE]

Thank you for all of your words of wisdom. We have talked about this at length but keep going around in circles. He tells me that he will no longer do this. He promises me. So now I have to trust that he won't. I asked him-Why teenagers? He has no answer. He just says he doesn't know. He thinks I should see a therapist to help me forget this problem. Hello, I wasn't the one looking at naked teenagers on the internet. I personally think that he has a problem but I don't think he will ever admit it. Still I am left with the images in my head of what he was looking at. Our marriage or at least our sex life may be in real danger.

[BellaDonna]

He thinks I should see a therapist to help me forget this problem.

 

Would he be willing to go to counseling TOGETHER?

 

Our marriage or at least our sex life may be in real danger.

 

If you feel this way- then you should definitly address this further with him.

 

 

 

He tells me that he will no longer do this. He promises me.

 

 

Well, I sure hope he is being honest- because the situation will only get worse if he makes a PROMISE and then breaks it. Then it isn't even about porn anymore- but it's about trust. Right now at least his activities are out in the open- but if he starts lying and hiding, then that becomes a whole other problem in and of itself: deceit.

 

I'm not saying he will sneak and do it. Maybe he is indeed a man of his word. But now his behavior will just be edited- wihout the underlying issue being addressed. There might even be mroe allure now because now the porn is "off-limits" which might make it more exciting for him.

 

Maybe a compromise can be reached?

 

Maybe there is a kind of porn that you would not mind him watching? Let him know WHY you object to the "teen" porn- and maybe offer an alternative that could still be visual enough for him- but without the implied-statuatory rape undertones.

 

BellaDonna

[HAYLE]

Well here I am again. As you can read from above I was the one whose husband promised me that he would not look at "teen" porn anymore. I told him other adult porn was ok and he promised he wouldn't look at it again. Well, quite by mistake I found out he has been. I ask him why and at first he denies looking at teen porn but-he knows the evidence is right before him. He just says he doesn't know why and that he won't do it again. He has now lied to me and now the issue has become a trust issue. I'm confused and really don't know what to do.