I need her :(

[ncisive]

The love of my life just broke up with me after 8 months, all of it we had distance, cause i went to college. I dropped out for her and moved back home and gave up friends for her. Theonly person i got is my mom now, and it has been killing me. She broke up with me because we had a rocky past, it included me saying things i shouldnt have because it was my first relationship, and infedelity on both parts. She always showed her complete lvoe though, and made me feel amazing. The only person i got now is my mom, and im not even that close to her, so for the past week I have been throwing up and crying in my room. I try to contact her every second I can on AIM or myspace, and she always says she doesnt know what to do anymore, and she needs time and stuff. We talked today on aim, i didnt contact her for 24 hours, and i gave in. I basically broke down again on aim, and told her what I felt in my heart. I let her down a lot, and I realize how much she means to me, and I made an effort 2 weeks before the break up to change myself. She said I was doing better and the reason she broke up with me is because she had a nightmare about me sleeping with someone else and it resurfaced feelings. She is my life. I cant help but feel that she might find someone else or already has. Im literally dieing, she is my first love, and I could see myself forever with her. I love her so much. I never cry or anything, and I cant even function now. I just want to die literally.

[coooolsome]

She knows how you feel, now you really need to do NC. You do not need her. You dont need anyone to make yourself happy. This is the time where you need to reflect and make yourself a better person. If you dont want her back, continue doing what you are doing. Trust me, if you really dont want her back, continue pushing. Nothing and I mean nothing you do will bring her back.

 

Give her the time and space she wants otherwise she will end up resenting you and hating you and you dont want that. Dont think your situation is different because it is not.

 

Give her time to miss you and heal. You need this time to heal and become a better person also. Infidelity is a hard thing to forgive and you have to let her forgive you and you must forgive yourself also. Why did you do it in the first place? Was something wrong with the relationship? This is the time to think, and to heal.

 

Give her the space she wants.

[ncisive]

I did it because I was young, and was just so dumb. I also said things in the relationship, like maybe it should be open, and things at the beggining that hurt her, and I realized how dumb it was and started making an effort this past month because I didnt want to lose her and love her so much. We literally went from laying on her bed talking sweet to each other on new years eve, to the next day telling me she cant do it anymore. I gave up everything for her, and I dont know what to do anymore. She was all I had

[coooolsome]

Well you started to change and thats good. But make sure you are changing for yourself. This is the time to do that. People only change if they want to. Another problem I see is that you "gave up everything for her". Girls dont want to feel as if they are needed. They want Men. Men who can live without them and that is what you need to do now. How old are you?

[ncisive]

im 19 years old

shes 23

[ncisive]

i just talked to her on yahoo because i cant resist her ims. she sent the girl i had a relationship with at the very beggining a thing saying she could send emails and stuff to me now cause she was done with me. I then asked her she said earlier "i know plenty of couples that have broken up and gotten back later to work things out" and if that applied to us. She said maybe. Right now she just has so much rage against me and it isnt going away. I asked her if she would go to a therapist with me and she said she doesnt believe in shrinks. What can I do to try to get her rage out and start seeing the love again?

I asked her if i could think of a logical answer to maybe fix it would she considor it and she said maybe. I know she loves me deep down beause of the months she was all over me and the emails she sent me everyday. I think the rage in her is just covering up everything, and she still has that nightmare and she cant sleep without taking sleeping pills she says. Theres gotta be a way to help her get over this???

[coooolsome]

You cannot fix it. You cannot do anything to help her. She needs to do it herself and if you keep asking her what you can do, you will eventually push her away. You need to give her time and space if you really want her rage to go away. If you really love her, then you will respect her wishes and let her go. I learned this too late and if you want my fate then keep doing what you are doing.

[coooolsome]

And I know its hard, but you really need to stop. One of the hardest things a person can do is let go of someone they love. You need to start getting back in touch with your friends, start going out, meet new people. Live your life without her. Your clingyness and neediness is very unattractive to her right now.

 

Dont push her into the arms of another person. Keep any contact she initiates short and sweet. She has to fall in love with you again and no one is going to take back a broken shell.

 

Would you take back someone that is acting like you are right now?

[ncisive]

i know NC is suppose to work, but I really think there might be something I can do. She said if i came up with something logically she might do it. We have never lived close to each other, im an hour from her right now.

[ncisive]

I mean right now she is just so pissed its not even funny. she called me a sex infested * * * hole of a boyfriend. Which maybe I was, but im commited to her forever. She had an affair to and used my affair against me a lot of the relationship but then told me about hers. I got over it fairly quickly though, cause I guess I just wanted us to work. I think she kept a lot of the pain in and hid it and now its just bubbling to the surface.

[coooolsome]

Yup, and the worst thing you can do is keep reminding her of that pain. That is what you are right now, a reminder. You need to tell her that you love her, you want to work things out, but that you realize you need to fix your issues first and you need time to heal. Then do NC for a month. Then see how you feel after a month has passed.

 

Tell her you will respect her decision, give her time and space to think. Tell her you know you made mistakes and the only thing you can do now is to learn from them and not make them anymore. Then take time off and start learning to live again. If you want her back, dont date and no sex with anyone. Let her make the decision of coming back, not you.

 

If you guilt her into coming back, you will not stay together much longer.

[ncisive]

I dont think I can guilty her at this point, I have alreayd been through the stage of pouring my heart out, and telling her everything I felt. I know she just needs to get over the anger and hurt, and after that I know we could work. By the way thanks for your support, you are really helping me.

[ncisive]

I was thinking about showing her this what do you think...

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself

By Michele Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busting

 

 

Are you someone who walks around feeling angry with your spouse or loved one much of the time? Do you have a little inner voice that constantly reminds you of all of his or her wrongdoings? Have you become expert at remembering all the minute details of past injustices just so that you can keep score? If this describes you at all, you better read what I’m about to say and take it to heart.

Lack of forgiveness imprisons you. It takes its toll on your physical and emotional health. It keeps you stuck in the deepest of relationship ruts. No matter how justified you feel about your point of view regarding your partner’s insensitive behavior, you still are miserable. When you wake up each morning, a gray tint shadows your life. You walk around with a low-grade depression. You can’t feel joy because you’re too busy being angry or feeling disappointed.

In the face of these fairly obvious disadvantages, you hang on to your belief that, since you feel let down, you must not “give in.” To you, giving in means forgiving, letting go, making peace. To do so, would be tantamount to giving up your soul. So, you keep your distance. You interact in perfunctory ways, never allowing your partner to step over the emotional line you’ve drawn. And though the distance often feels intolerable, forgiveness is not on your short list of solutions to your dilemma.

I have worked with so many couples who say they want to heal their relationships. And yet, when they’re offered the tools, they can’t seem to move forward. These are the couples who, instead of finding effective ways to get beyond blame, continue to repeat their mantra, “Our problems are your fault and you must pay.” As long as they maintain this mindset, they are doomed to failure. How very sad. Even sadder are their children who, on a day-by-day observe their parents being “right” but “miserable.” What lessons are they learning about love?

If any of this strikes a chord with you (and you wouldn’t be reading this if it didn’t), you need to internalize that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. Letting go of resentment can set you free. It can bring more love and happiness into your life. It opens the door to intimacy and connection. It makes you feel whole. Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged, but the fortitude required to forgive pales in comparison to the energy necessary to maintain a sizable grudge. The person most hurt by holding out or blaming is YOU, no matter what the circumstances.

“All this sounds good,” you tell yourself, “but how can I ever forget what my partner did to me?” Good question. You don’t! Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. You will probably always remember the particular injustice(s) that drove you into your corner. But what will happen, is that when you forgive, the intense emotions associated with the event(s) begin to fade. You will feel happier, lighter, more loving. And these renewed positive feelings won’t go unnoticed. Others will be drawn to you.

Just keep in mind that forgiveness isn’t a feeling. It is a decision. You decide that you are going start tomorrow with a clean slate. Even if it isn’t easy, you make the determination that the alternative is even harder, and that you are going to do what you must to begin creating a more positive future. So promise yourself, that no matter what the reason, you will not go another day blaming your partner and feeling lonely. Make peace. Make up. Make love. I promise you that the benefits of deciding to forgive go far beyond anything you can picture in your mind’s eye at the moment. Your decision to forgive will create a ripple effect of exponential changes in your life.

__________________

[Royltnxile]

The only think you can do is to leave her alone. You should also consider changing the title of the thread because you come off as very needy and clingy...and women don't find neediness attractive in the least bit. You claim this girl is "your life"? Give me a break. You cheated on her, and she cheated on you. That should be a big clue that you and her aren't exactly "meant to be". From reading your post I gather that you are attached to some kind of fantasy relationship involving this girl rather than focused on the reality that she's not coming back. You need to move on, let her go, and live your life. You're only 19 years old so take some lessons from this experience so you are better equipped for your next relationship.

[coooolsome]

Yes, you do come off as very needy even from your posts. There is nothing and I mean nothing you can do to bring her back. Leave her alone. Learn to love yourself. Learn to be happy by yourself. Its hard but you can do it. This will only make you stronger in the long run. Learn from our mistakes. We know what works and what doesnt b/c we have gone through it and that is why we are here telling you what to do and what not to do.

 

I guarantee you that if you continue trying to get her back, you will be posting something in a month saying you screwed things up and you wish you just followed our advice and went NC. And then you will ask if its to late.

[ncisive]

i already pushed to hard, we had a long talk this morning and we didnt argue, but then i noticed she is hanging with this guy a lot. He is falling for her, and she is taking the bait im pretty sure. Its like back to square 1, a punch in my chest. i guess im just gonna do nc now

[coooolsome]

Yes, and GO BACK TO SCHOOL. You dropped out of school for a girl. Never do that. Never compromise your future for someone that cannot guarantee you something like a college education can.