Am I over reacting???

[ashben2400]

I really need some advice and I hope there is someone who can read this and tell me if I am being an idiot.

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year...this time. We dated three years ago and my problem comes from that previous dating time. We dated for about four months at that time. He had just broken up with his gf of three years. He told me he would never go back to her after the way she treated him. So, we dated. It was nothing serious but I was quickly falling for him. Then, she found out about me. She started IM'ing him. That led to phone calls and then she started just showing up at his house. I moved on. He knew he had screwed up with me and always regretted it but during our two years apart, he got back with this ex and they began making plans for marriage. Then, about 14 months ago, she broke up with him again. This time she has a new bf and it is serious.

 

So, he and I started dating again 11 months ago. I love him and we have talked about marriage. During the 11 months the only time we have fought is because twice he has gotten on the IM and either tried or talk to her or he has talked to her. Other than her, he doesn't really talk on the IM. Now, he has moved and he has the internet again. He is on all the time now. I have told him it bothers me because of his history on it. She is on all the time too. Right now she doesn't want him but their history is that she ALWAYS comes back and he has always gone back to her even though he has always said he wouldn't.

 

I was probably a fool to date him again knowing his past. But, now it is too late. I am involved and I do love him. I find my past feelings resurfacing because this is how he always begins the "talking" to her.

 

There have been other things like finding her pictures in his nightstand and him calling me by her name in his sleep once.

 

What should I do??? I don't want to tell him to get off because I can't tell someone else what they can and can't do. I can't watch him and I don't want that kind of relationship. Am I being an idiot or is there enough there that I should be worried? Should I put the brakes on this relationship until he stays off the IM on his own?

[LostInMyThoughts]

You're not over reacting, and you're not an idiot.

 

I say tell him exactly how his behavior makes you feel. Let him know he has a choice, change his ways, or you'll leave him.

 

Sorry this is short, I'm late for a meeting

[Mun]

I agree. You can't be watching him all the time and a private investigator to follow him around 24/7 would be expensive.

 

Given the past history, if he wants to keep you around and make you happy then he needs to sever those ties. If he feeds you a line or makes excuses or calls you crazy...then it might be time to walk. Anything less than " I know you are right, I'm cutting ties as of NOW" is not good enough in my opinion.

 

When you know what you want you don't settle for less...best wishes!

[Ms Omaniac]

because he is so secretive about it instead of telling you details...then id also have him make a choice.

if he would have been forthright the whole time and always kept you in the loop as to what both parties were saying...then i wouldnt have a problem.

but it seems he has made it a problem....and it's making you feel bad. you shouldnt have to feel this insecure.

[ashben2400]

Thank you so much guys. I can't tell you how much better I feel already. I hate confrontation and I really hate feeling this way. He always makes me feel like I am wrong for not trusting him and he always denies doing anything wrong. I will keep you posted. I am still watching to see if he talks to her on there before I make any moves. If he does, that will probably be it.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Let me play Devils Advocate.

 

Are you sure thats what you want to do? Set up a "test" that he will surely fail?

 

You said you loved him, but how strong is that love, if you are unwilling to confront him?

 

I don't think what he is doing is right; but I also think that if you don't confront him, you would also share some fault here.

 

Being able to go up to someone and tell them how their behaviour makes you feel is very important. I'm willing to bet in every relationship, there are things that one partner does that will bother the other. Being able to talk and deal with issues like this separates the strong and happy couples, from the weak and miserable ones. You may not have to confront your current boyfriend now, but something similar will come up in your next relationship; I can pretty much guarentee it.

 

Anyway good luck with whatever decision you make.

[RayKay]

I agree 100% with Lost, in this case. His point about being able to talk to your partner about how you feel is so incredibly important for a relationship, and your feelings are no less or no more important then his - this has to go both ways and be equal. No relationship is ever "perfect" - there will always be some conflict that comes up that needs to be discussed and resolved. It is those whom avoid conflict whom in the end are left wondering where things went so wrong!

 

Given what has happened in the past, I do think your partner needs to be respectful of your feelings on this issue. It might not be necessary to completely sever all ties, but he DOES need to be honest about his dealings with her and respectful of you - and that means limiting contact with her too.

 

I think calling you her name in his sleep was probably not intentional at all, and that should be let to slide (it happens, subconscious does strange things!) but he does need to be more honest with you about his dealings with her, respect your concerns given his past, and put you before her.

 

I think you two need to talk about this, and I hope that he will also listen to how this makes you feel right now, given past experiences.

[Mun]

Raykay said: It might not be necessary to completely sever all ties...

 

This is true of someone who can remain platonic friends with an ex, while letting their current partner feel they are deeply committed to them.

 

Not all people are capable of that kind of friendship with an old flame. He should do what will make YOU feel secure...whether it's to share a friendship with this gal...or cut all ties. And he should WANT to do that for your shared happiness...

[ashben2400]

I never thought of it like that...that I was just setting him up for a test he would fail. I do know in my heart that he will fail it and that is why I have no trust in him when I see him on the IM. I am not really afraid to talk to him about it...I will do it. It is just that I feel like we have had this discussion before and he knows how I feel. I feel like him continuing with it is so disrespectful to me and to our relationship. But, you are probably right and I never thought of it that way. I will talk to him about it tonight. Thank you soooo much for your help and I will let you know what happens!

[RayKay]

I never thought of it like that...that I was just setting him up for a test he would fail. I do know in my heart that he will fail it and that is why I have no trust in him when I see him on the IM. I am not really afraid to talk to him about it...I will do it. It is just that I feel like we have had this discussion before and he knows how I feel. I feel like him continuing with it is so disrespectful to me and to our relationship. But, you are probably right and I never thought of it that way. I will talk to him about it tonight. Thank you soooo much for your help and I will let you know what happens!

 

If you have talked about it before, and talk about it again, and he STILL disrespects your feelings, it's time to think whether you are really getting what you deserve and need from this relationship.

 

We like to hear words, but actions are far more important. And if he tells you one thing (never again) and the goes back to her (repeatedly) and is on the path to do what has happened in the past...well, the words become useless.

[ashben2400]

RayKay, that is just it. When it comes to her, his words are meaningless because his actions have not matched the words. I guess that is why I was trying to watch his actions this time and figure out whether I could believe the words this time. But, I agree with you guys that setting him up for failure is not right either. I guess I had hoped that he wouldn't fail me but in my heart I will admit I'm not sure.....

[RayKay]

As his girlfriend, of a decent amount of time by now too, I think you ARE in your rights to state how you feel, and that given past results, you are NOT comfortable with their frequent contact. I would never personally "forbid" my partner from having contact with an ex, but if it was OVER the line, as in very frequent, where she was being disrespectful to me, or there discussions were inappropriate, I would absolutely stand up and say something and expect him to listen to my concerns and find a solution. If it continued as was, I would consider that a clear message that his ex was a bigger priority and walk.

 

You should not be afraid to bring these things up with your partner, this is YOUR relationship too.

[ashben2400]

I talked to him last night and I can't thank you guys enough. He was so great about it. He agreed to stay off the IM and not talk to her. There was no fighting about it and he understood perfectly. If I had "caught" him talking to her, it wouldn't have turned out that well. I don't think we could have worked it out from there.........Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question!!!!

[RayKay]

I talked to him last night and I can't thank you guys enough. He was so great about it. He agreed to stay off the IM and not talk to her. There was no fighting about it and he understood perfectly. If I had "caught" him talking to her, it wouldn't have turned out that well. I don't think we could have worked it out from there.........Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my question!!!!

 

Yay! Good to hear ashben!

[Mun]

Glad it all worked out for both of you !

 

 

Love