How to proceed, and if!

[hazlcha]

Hi,

 

I'll cut straight to the issue. There's a 17 year old I've known for a couple of years now. She's a great person, pretty, talented, and a truly special personality. She has good self-esteem, a playfullness and sense of humor that is really attractive. And she's 17, but I mentioned that already.

 

We've had a friendly relationship, since we were involved in some musical shows together, with a lot of good teasing and stuff. Every so often we got together for a movie or something. This was all very modest, since we're both religious physical stuff would be out of the question even if we were in a relationship.

 

All this time, I had in the back of my mind that I lie this girl, and darn, why can't she grow up faster? But I never allowed it to become anything of a serious relationship, because she's too young and it's not fair. I'm not that young and a bit concerned about maturity as well. So far so good.

 

Well, I hadn't seen her or been in touch for a month or so, and she was fading from my mind. A few emails hadn't been answered, so I figured nothing was happening. But tonight (my birthday, btw) I was part of a concert, and she was in the audience. I didn't even know, she just came backstage after the show to congratulate me. She told me she had left me a message a while back, etc... She seemed to want to connect again.

 

So I'm trying to figure out what I feel, and even more, what she feels. She just burst back in to my mind. If there's really something there, she'll be 18 soon and we can start a relationship. It is an age gapper, but I'm OK with it, considering that it's not physical and could lead to something really long term. My main question is, how to find out what she's feeling? Should we just hang out? Should I bring it up? Wait for her to bring it up? Not find out at all at this point? It's the not knowing that's bothering me, because when you don't know, you don't know what to do.

 

I would appreciate especially the feedback of women in that age range, how you experience those situations and what you would want if you were involved.

[Tigris]

There's only one way to find out, ask her!

 

Good luck

[hazlcha]

Yes, ask her. I get butterflies when thinking of doing that! Any thoughts on how to do that? "Do you love me" is a great song from Fiddler, but I'm searching for a cool way to do it that will make us both glad I did.

[mifune]

Well she's 17. At that age, male or female mopst teensdont what they want. Maybe she is super mature, but most teens are still finding themselfs. She probably going through a variety of emotions. I am sure that your age might be an issue for her too.

[MiaLeah]

I'm 17, nearly 18 and I'm dating a 33 yr old guy. We've been dating for about a year. People who don't know us and hear about our age difference jump to conclusions as is expected. He's actually pretty young for his age, while I'm mature for mine. We have the same interests and such and get along really well, as if there is no difference at all. My parents weren't really happy about it at first, as I imagine the parents of this girl won't be. If you really like her enough, it'll be worth the risk of that though. When I tell people at school that I have a 33 yr old boyfriend, I do get some nasty comments and some rude things have been said about me. My boyfriend kind of gets teased about it since I can't even get into clubs or anything. We went to an 18 and over concert once and I couldn't get in so we had to leave. Certain things like that are annoying, but those things are just trivial.

[Blue Skittles]

Well, I'm 22, I've always dated older guys, with quite a bit of an age difference. I keep telling myself i should date younger guys but I'm just not attracted to them. I just don't like the immaturity and stuff I guess. It is possible things can work out with that age difference,the only thing i'm concerned about is you are thinking in long term and she is still quite young so she might not be ready for that yet..

[imsouncreative]

Your situation is a lot like mine. I'm 17, but I'll be 18 soon, and for a few years now I've been flirty with a man many years older than me, John. It's been mostly long-distance, but I have very real feelings for him. I don't claim to be in love with him, but the feelings are strong, and mutual. I know what people would say if I were to get into a relationship with John, and I even frown upon age gaps sometimes, but something's different here. My older sister dated a man about the same distance in age from her as John is from me, and it just seemed creepy and yucky. He was very controlling, insecure and weird though, and John just isn't. An issue I have is, John wants marriage and kids very soon, and I want to wait a few, maybe several, years. I don't think I'm ready for a commitment, and I've told John that, but I don't know that he accepts it.

 

My father left me several years ago. I suspect if I'd had my father my whole life, I wouldn't feel this way for John, but I don't know if it's bad or wrong that I do. It's not at all conscious, I don't think "If I have John, maybe I won't miss my dad so much", but I'm a smart girl, and can put my daddy-issues together with feelings for a man old enough to be my father.

 

My thoughts for your situation, hazlcha, are find out if she's ready for and wants the same kind of commitment that you do. And also, does she have a father in her life? If she doesn't, and you see something wrong with what I said above about daddy issues, then beware of that. Just make sure not to expect more of her than she is willing or wants to give (and I don't mean in terms of sex, I read the part about religion keeping that til marriage).

 

 

Emily

[rubberducky86]

Well I am 19 and my boyfriend is 29. Close to your age gap. When I first met him he came on very strong telling me he loved me too soon. We had just met that day! I needed a few months after that to clear my own head and then we started going out. He was and is a great guy. The biggest problem with our age gap is not that there is ten years between us, it's because I look like I'm 16, not that he looks like he's going on 30 but he doesn't look like a teenager either. The only time we ever got weird looks was at the movies once. But you guys have already been there as friends, so there's a plus lol.

 

I know you have mentioned you are religious as another person has brought up so if you can wait until marriage...or at the very least until both of you are ready then do it. I didn't and I'm pregnant now. It's not as bad as it sounds, I'm not really religious but we had a...problem with protection and afterward I had prayed for what was right to happen and now I'm pregnant...so who knows.

 

Personally I see nothing wrong with your relationship. I am not saying this because of my own relationship, but because before I met my boyfriend I liked someone 21 years my senior. People are weird, some like them old, some like them young...etc.

 

Either way I would say ask this girl her feelings, that is the only way you will know if you can advance anything. And NEVER say love right away, it'll scare the hell out of her! Good luck!