Wife wants to continue....doesn't want to....wants to....HELP!

[rndy]

i have a same situation kinda. Me and my wife have been separated for about 1 1/2 years due to an infedelity of mine. It happened once and our marriage was in a non-communicado situation due to grievences with her inlaws and both of us going through financial strains.

Since then I have been to councilling ( a ton!!!) and have really changed my life for me firstly but to hopefully reconcile with my wife. I have not spoken or seen my wife in almost a year but she would not reply after i wanted to move on and file the divorce. In Oct i sent her an email for the last time stating that I was filing the divorce that day. Boom!! She responds very nicely! (Long story short) more emails, MSN conversations, phone calls and the last month she has been coming up to see me ( i moved from our home town to help me get over it and have a kick ***** job as well she does now also), and we have been disscussing the future together and deciding who will move where to continue our marriage.

 

It has been amazing until 3 days ago she calls me and says that she doesnt know waht she want because she would be disappoint her father and her friends who really love her. I told her the ball was in her court and I would leave it up to her for further contact because I didnt want her to feel pressured. I havent heard from her in 2 days.

The point:

This is the second time since we've been separated that she has done this!

I know I have caused her a great deal of pain (myself also), but she has been telling me how much she loves me, wants to have kids with me and really convinced me about our future together. I asked her to be suare of this when we first began speaking again as it was important to me and i have really matured a lot (im 33 she's 28 by the way).

Why does she say all this, knowing i've asked her not to lead me on (saying these things, sleeping with me, etc) until she was sure, and then the very next day says i dont want ya? What is she thinking? IS it just a comfort thing until the novelty wares off?

I would like some opinions. I can understand happening once but happening again after 1 1/2 year of not speaking. I mean im ok, i was really hoping for a reconcilliation but i been through it before so I have to wonder if i am beating a dead horse!

Thanks for listening.

[DN]

I agree - and it could be there is a certain amount of 'punishment' for you cheating on her.

 

I would tell her that she's either in the marriage or not. Tell her you love her and would like to reconcile but that you will not wait any more. Her choice but she has to make it now or you will just file for the divorce and move on.

[rndy]

Yeah Im incined to agree. It's really hard now because I did accept the split after a long time trying to hang on to our marriage and was doing quite well with the whole thing, ready to move on. And then wammo!! She's back.

I have been trying to look at it from every angle and not jump in to quickly and even questioned weather or not it was a good idea to even consider going back. I felt i would always wonder what if... if I didnt try and knew that I could wind upp getting hurt all over again. Well thats exactly what happened, mind you to a lesser degree of course. What bothers me is that I asked her not to lead me on and say thing like "I cant wait to have kids", "I love you so much", and just in general plan our future out before we delt with the issues at hand. She is very very very influenced by her friends and father and she pretty much does whatever they say. I told her I would not compete with that and she had to be sure she wanted the marriage to continue before making any decisions (where to live, job, etc.). It was litterally like this...Spent entire holidays together, was awesome! She told me the day before "I love you so much" and then bang next night she said " im gonna disappoint my friends and fammily If I get back together with you". She could have told me that before we started seeing each other again. I was very upfront and honest with her from the start and let her know my intentions and love for her.

I dont know why she did this. This is the second time also she has done this since our seperation. I cant figure her out! I mean I believe that she cares and loves me so she must know by doing this that she is causing me much pain all over again.

Any hoo, thanks for listening. Any opinions? Would love to hear them.

[rndy]

I kinda get the feeling that she misses me, gets together with me for alittle while, and then when it gets too close to making decisions to stay married for good she goes away again.

I told her on the phone last earlier in the week (thats when she dropped the bomb again) that the ball was in her court that I said all I could say and that she knows my thoughts and intentions. I told her I would not call her and that if she wanted contact she could contact me. The thing is that she never said she didnt want to continue with me but didnt say she did either. I am going to wait prob another week and If I dont hear from her I am filing the divorce and not telling her. She will get served and that will be that. I have cleaned up my life immensly and am ready to move on. I even spent $500.00 an a digital camera for her for xmas with a card that said "For a lifetime of memmories together" and she quits me 1 week after. I feel like a sucker 4 sure!! The last time I spoke with her I did not yell or use any kind of tone at all and she was trying to get reaction out of me but its better to kill em with kindness i think. She is a coward and although I dont hate her I am angry and wish no further contact ever with her after I file.

[BigSyke]

RANDY! same thing man! i bought my ex a 400 dollar necklace, but that day BAM with another guy and ended a fairytale relationship she will never find anywhere else. Days after the break up we met up and things went pretty good, she fell back inlove with me, and then BAM! she doesnt care for me.....then a few days later she sees me again and she falls inlove with me...then again the weekend comes and last night she had sex with a few guys i guess drunk, and even worse told me she didnt remember it happening, but it was fun. today she told me she doesnt wanna talk anymore because she wants to party, have sex, and other things and im just a looser i guess and hangs up.

 

We just wait around to see what the next day brings like an effing game. Thats how i am at right now...cant wait for tommrow to see if she was just feeling warn out from all the sex, or just hung over...haha wow. This all needs to stop bro and i think you and me need to say hey, F***CK YOU and give the birdy, get your stuff back and disslike her as much as possible. Its a cycle and will not stop, even if she was your wife (I was engaged to my ex). Bro even if she does come back, its a smoke screen because she wants something and when she has it, BOOM shes gone and your back to rock bottom....im going to try some new tactics with my ex and see if she realises she lost a guy, most girls will kill to have, and they tried to while i was with her, but now that im not, it seems I have nothing.

 

It will get better as long as you dont get excited over her talking to you.