pos69sum's journal

[pos69sum]

it's been 8 days since me and sophia broke up. at first i thought it was a joke, then i realized that she was serious when she informed me that she had been flirting around with somebody else and wanted to a pursue a relationship with this person. she had become cold and impersonal towards me, at times almost hurtful.

 

i have been thinking what i could have done to provoke such a change in someone whom i loved with all my heart, and wanted to be with for he rest of my life. i am still in shock about everything that happened, and angry at her betrayal towards the end. i know enough about relationships to know that this person whom she is involved with now is most probably someone she has known for some time, and that she must have already disconnected herself from our failing relationship some time before she actually broke the news to me. to me this was dishonest and cowardly on her part.

 

she was the apple of my eye and the joy in my heart. i feel like whatever traces of idealism and innocence i had left in me died with her. how can i ever forgive her after basically cheating on me like that? it's difficult for me to see how we can even be friends anymore. i told her a week ago that i can't talk to her anymore, i told her perhaps in a couple of months we could contact each other again and see if we can be friends, she managed to twist this into only one month. i do not intend to ever contact her again.

 

i miss her. i feel alone in the world, and i just want my best friend back. i don't know how to live without her. i told my therapist that perhaps it is good we lived in different cities so i won't have to run into her accidentally - but when i think about it, she was everywhere. hers was the last voice i heard every night before i went to sleep, and hers was the first voice i heard when i woke up in the morning. for six years, we spoke every available minute of the day - her love gave me strength, and thinking of the next time we would visit each other gave me something to look forward to. we shared every thought, every family crises, every neurotic fear, every trivial joke - she knew me better than probably anyone would ever know me again, and vice versa. it was just sweet, i will miss that sweetness in my life.

 

i am at my lowest point ever - i scan the personals ads all day because i'd really like to find somebody else to take my mind off her. but i know that the wounds are too fresh, and i am too much of a wreck to date anyone these days. i started smoking again after quitting 4 years ago. i have never been a drinker, but i've been drinking every night mainly because it helps me to forget and to fall asleep. tuesday night i went out drinking at a bar and am ashamed to say that i almost got a DUI on the way home (if the cop hadn't let me off the hook out of laziness, i would have been really screwed - i remember at the time not even caring what happened to me). i have called in sick to work for the past 2 days, and am terrified of going back to work in the morning. i have stopped going to the gym, and have been eating entirely too much. probably the only positive thing about this whole situation is that my sex drive seems to have come back in full force...

 

i'm proud that i haven't broken down or tried to contact her. my dignity is pretty much intact. there were no drunken emasculating confessions or needless drama. once i realized she was serious i cut it off very cleanly. we stayed up til 4 in the morning talking that last night, i must admit that i did some pleading, but that we also agreed the decision to break up was partly mutual due to that long talk we had on the road trip to michigan. the next to last words we said to each other were

 

'you were my first love'

 

and the last thing thing i said to her was

 

'god bless you angel'.

 

it seems like a sad ending to a story. i never wanted our story to end that way.

[pos69sum]

i've decided to forgive her. if i am honest with myself, this is something that has crossed my mind to do to her on many occasions but have never really acted on. i broke up with her a few times in the past because it wasn't working for me and i wanted to see other people, i just never 'built a safety net' like she did in this case. and we kept getting back together. after the last time i realized that i probably wouldn't be able to break up with her because i loved her too much.

 

i wasn't the greatest boyfriend in the world either and i took her for granted a lot of the time - this may just be karmic payback for all those times i acted like i was bored around her, let her down, wasn't there for her, etc.

 

we were together for six years. the fact that we loved each other dearly was not enough, there were a lot of problems in the relationship. we held each other back from growing as people because we were so dependent on each other, we were unhappy together a lot of the times. if this is what it took for her to end it so that we could both be happy eventually then maybe it was all for the best.

[pos69sum]

tuesday night i sat down in the coffee shop for 2 hrs and wrote down

 

all of the things that were wrong with my relationship with sophia

1. i was not a great bf to her - there was that situation w my mom, and i constantly acted bored on the phone with her, like i had nothing better to do - not like i was on the phone with the person i loved. she was always really attentive to me and loving on the phone, i loved her more than anything, but i was also kind of an * * * * * * * to her in this respect. i think that after a while i forgot why i was sitting at home night after night with this person to begin with and attributed the emptiness of my life to her. i felt trapped, i'm sure she felt the same at times but was too sweet to vent this resentment.

2. as i said, we held each other back from growing as people. the situation with her and my mom i used as an excuse not to cultivate a relationship with my family and to harbor further resentment towards my family for all the various issues i have with them. despite how nice my mom was to me, i always held it against her that she was the one who wouldn't accept sophia or let her come to lloyd's wedding. i resented being on the phone with her all of the time because i felt like 'it was holding me back' from making friends, from possibly having a relationship with someone closer to me so that i wouldn't be alone and miserable like i was.

3. i can only imagine what her life was like, all those years on the phone with someone who didn't even love her enough to stand up to his family. i am sorry sophia, you deserved much better than to be treated like that. i honestly wanted us to somehow someway grow as people and to eventually get to a point as people where i could go to my parents and say, here's the woman i love i'm sticking with her and we have this plan on how to spend the rest of our lives. but we had no plan, we could never develop that plan because you were lost, and i was in this holding pattern, not able to move on. we're free now, but we had to give up the sweetest thing ever, watched it wither away because we waited too long and were not able to act on it. i thought that if i held on long enough things would somehow eventually change and we could be together, but you lost hope in us before that could happen.

4. when i think about what your life must have been like, on the phone with this * * * * * * * of a boyfriend, waiting for your life to begin, a beautiful young woman locked in your bedroom for years because of some crazy idea we had when we were younger, i feel so * * * *ty. it made me so sad, every time you'd visit and i could actually see the physical toll it took on you. you started out a beautiful young girl, but you put on weight, got gray hairs, stopped caring about your appearance, gained weight - because you were a sweet depressed person who spent all her time in her bedroom on the phonr with some * * * * * * * in chicago. six years is too long for that, you need to live your life whatever happens to us, six years waiting for me is longer than i deserved.

5. you were always pressuring me to marry you - maybe because you felt desperate to get out of your situation any way possible. it made me feel pressured, and i resented you for it - because we could never have a normal relationship where we got to know each other and dated for a while, visiting each other more often like i mentioned, instead of jumping into a marriage where you didn't even know yourself and there were so many other issues that we hadn't even begun to resolve. i know you tried to play it off like you were joking, you just kept pressuring me to marry you so much that i realized that it wasn't a joke.

6. and why should you joke about it? i made you a promise the first night that we talked. i asked you to marry me and in your innocence you said yes because you didn't know anything about relationships. i was much older and i should have known better, but i loved you so much and i wanted to believe the same stupid dream that love could overcome all obstacles. in this case it was not enough. i will never experience a love so innocent and pure again as long as i live, and i will treasure that memory because that part of me died with you and now i am truly old. you were my first love, you got the best part of me.

7. there was an element of distrust - probably exaggerated due to the distance between us - i had so many questions about you and your family, how you lived your lives. these questions grew until there was a part of me that didn't trust you. in the end you cheated on me and betrayed my trust.

8. there were so many things - our age difference, the situation with our families, you not having a career and me trying to convince you that you have to get your life together which probably made you resentful even though you knew i was correct, the interracial thing, the sheer distance between us that made our problems that much worse.

9. the only thing we really had was this crazy dream that we would someday be together, and that love would conquer all, and last of all but more important than everything, the simple fact that we loved each other dearly, more than any other in the world, knew each other's hopes and fears and shared each other's lives down to the smallest detail. from the moment i woke up in the morning to the time i fall asleep at night, you were the voice in my head telling me you loved me and that i was a special person. how can i ever hate you? your love gave me strength at a time when i felt like i had nothing left, even now i don't feel as low as i did the day you met me. you were my first love, i will always love you and miss you. this will never change as long as i live, although someday maybe it won't hurt so much.

10. you gave up on us, i don't blame you. i believe that you loved me more than i deserved and stayed with me longer than you should have. if you go on to become a great and beautiful woman without me in your life then so be it, that's all i ever wanted for you. goodbye, baby.

[Miss M]

Looks like it helped you to write all of this out. Just wanted to let you know that (although it took a while ) someone is here reading it... in case that matters to you...

6. ... i was much older and i should have known better, but i loved you so much and i wanted to believe the same stupid dream that love could overcome all obstacles. in this case it was not enough. i will never experience a love so innocent and pure again as long as i live, and i will treasure that memory because that part of me died with you and now i am truly old. you were my first love, you got the best part of me.

Just want to say that no matter what your age, no matter how old, you don't have to be finished with loving another person. Of course you still need time to process and heal from this. But after that's done, don't let it end with this... and don't lock yourself permanently away from the potential for a future love. Learn from this, and use the insight gained with this one to be better the next time.

[pos69sum]

thank you miss m. it means a lot that people care.

[Danny H]

i've been drinking every night mainly because it helps me to forget and to fall asleep. tuesday night i went out drinking at a bar and am ashamed to say that i almost got a DUI on the way home (if the cop hadn't let me off the hook out of laziness, i would have been really screwed - i remember at the time not even caring what happened to me).

 

 

POS, I did all of this to, luckily for me the cops didn't stop me, like you I didn't give a fig about the consequences, until I woke up the next day and realised what an idiot I was being.

 

Do yourself a favour, cut the drink ( too much thinking in circles).

Concentrate on getting yourself into the best physical/mental shape you can.

 

Maybe in the future she will realise what you had and want to try again- maybe not, but at least by then you will be feeling better about yourself.

 

 

I think a hell of a lot of us guys seem to find out too late that it is over- are we blind??? I guess we must be blinkered sometimes

 

 

Dan

[pos69sum]

i used to take her for granted, i wouldn't listen to her when she was saying something to me. now i'd give anything to hear her voice again. i used to act disinterested in bed and give her * * * * about her looks - now i am hornier for her than for anyone in the world, more than any playboy model or hollywood actress. it's amazing what basic psychology can do - when you miss something, it increases in value. basic psychology is kicking my * * * right now.

 

i am paralyzed. i have not done anything productive in more than a week. all i do is try to distract myself from this pain i feel, this horrible feeling of loss and loneliness. i would like nothing but to call her, just to hear her for five minutes telling me that 'we shouldn't be talking right now but i hope you're ok', even though i know i will regret it later. so far i haven't broken down. i have to constantly check myself or else i will pick up the phone and beg her to come back or something stupid like that. i've been through this enough times to know that that NC is the way to do it, and nobody ever got their ex back by calling and bugging them to come back. if that will happen, it will happen naturally, after i've gotten over her already, when i least expect it, and if i try to call now it will just make things worse. it will probably happen too late.

 

i am not a stalker and i'm under no illusions that i can get her back by anything i say or do. i'd like to move on and meet someone else, but there's a part of me that doesn't want to let go of her. i've been thinking about all of the times over the years when i said or did things that were mean or unfair to her, just driving myself crazy with guilt. if she came back to me i would marry her on the spot, with no prenup, and do whatever it takes to make her happy.

 

but that's not going to happen - i had my time, i had six years to do just that, and i couldn't do it. i start this new exercise program tomorrow, i'm going to start picking up around the house, i have to stop eating so much and drinking - i have to pick myself up, a week and a half is too long to live like this. i just wish i had someone to talk to - she was my best and only friend. although i frequently yelled and complained to her about how 'i was sick of always being alone and not having any other friends', the truth is i don't know the slightest thing about how to go out and find some friends, much less attractive women i could possibly date.

 

i'm always scared. my biggest fear is being alone, it's ironic since i spend the majority of my life alone. i should be used to it by now.

[Miss M]

You're just going through a difficult period right now. This kind of thing is always like a roller coaster. And it's normal to have moments of wanting to get back together. But you're a smart guy, and you already know that on many levels that's not a good idea. Stick with NC.

 

And thinking about giving better attention to exercise and diet... that sounds like a really good idea. You're starting to come out of the initial shock of what has happened. And now you're moving into the stage where you realize you can't continue to stay stuck where you are. It's time to get up and do something different. It's time to reassess and readjust your perspective to think of how to be in this world again without her. And it's time to think about doing getting into some other activities with other people. You get there one small step at a time. Just keep taking those small steps.

[pos69sum]

I have been doing better the past few days - I tentatively have a date with a girl I met on link removed. She seems nice, at the very least I might make a new friend. I've also been out a couple of times with friends and have had a lot more time to work on my guitar practicing, which I didn't have a lot of time to do when she was around. I'm also getting into my work. I don't feel sad as I did as last week, or get the urge to call her, but I still miss her.

 

She's been instant messaging me a couple of times today. She basically asks 'Can we talk now?' - even though she knows full well I told her I won't contact her for at least a couple of months (in fact, I had decided that I'd probably never contact her again).

 

I think I already know what you guys are going to say - the best thing is to keep NC at this point, right? I still love my ex, but now I realize that if I try to be friends with her right now I might be setting myself to get hurt again after struggling to get over it the past couple weeks. And if for some reason she wants me back - I'm not even sure if I can ever forgive her for what she did. It's really sad - even a friendship at this point doesn't seem like a good idea.

[Miss M]

Glad to know you're doing better. I guess in the beginning it doesn't feel as if it will ever feel "better" but eventually you do get there. You just have to hang in there through those really rough times. And it's good to find those passions (ie guitar) that you can pick up again.

 

And now I have to say the standard response... don't use this new woman as a rebound... and don't use her as a way to recover from your ex. In other words don't lead her on. Let her know you're still healing, fresh out of an important relationship. Don't let her get her hopes up. You're a looonng way from being ready for another relationship.

 

I think I already know what you guys are going to say - the best thing is to keep NC at this point, right? I still love my ex, but now I realize that if I try to be friends with her right now I might be setting myself to get hurt again after struggling to get over it the past couple weeks. And if for some reason she wants me back - I'm not even sure if I can ever forgive her for what she did. It's really sad - even a friendship at this point doesn't seem like a good idea.

Yeah, sounds like NC is still the best thing right now. I think you're still on the roller coaster and will have more rough days. This is all still too recent and contact will just make that worse. And yes, contact will probably just cause you to go through the pain all over again.

 

But why do you feel you need to forgive her?... it seems that she really didn't do anything wrong for which she needs forgiveness. By your own admission you wrote that she had been exceptionally patient, and you wrote that it was way past time for her to move on. Couples sometimes have to split up because things just aren't working. Parting ways is often the most logical, sane, and natural thing to do. And if she didn't mistreat you, then there's no need to resent her for her decision, and also no need to forgive her.

[pos69sum]

But why do you feel you need to forgive her?... it seems that she really didn't do anything wrong for which she needs forgiveness. By your own admission you wrote that she had been exceptionally patient, and you wrote that it was way past time for her to move on. Couples sometimes have to split up because things just aren't working. Parting ways is often the most logical, sane, and natural thing to do. And if she didn't mistreat you, then there's no need to resent her for her decision, and also no need to forgive her.

 

 

hey Miss M

 

 

my mind keeps turning over the complete personality change that came over her the last few weeks before the breakup, that and the insensitivity with which she generally handled the breakup. she basically went from sweet caring girl to cold * * * * * overnight. just her general tone and some of the things were said, the breakup was unexpected enough as it was, and to top it off some really harsh things were said and done on her part that just seem to me unnecessarily hurtful.

 

for one thing - i know, 'all's fair in love and war' but ... the way she described it to me, she had already decided she wanted out, but it seemed like she just held onto the relationship until she could find someone else to latch onto in order to ease her anxiety about being alone. this is her personal problem - she is one of those people who needs to be in a relationship and cannot be happy just by herself. her codependant tendencies were partly to blame for the fscked up state of our relationship in the first place. she has to have someone else to focus on because she is lost on her own.

 

to me, if you decide your partner is not making you happy, feelings change and so forth - then either try to fix the problem or end it. do not take the coward's way out and find some other random dude to latch onto *before* you break it off with your current guy. i mean, they did not have sex yet, but they were already talking, from what i know, as if they were boyfriend girlfriend *while* i was still with her. to me this is almost cheating and is certainly not fair to me. what happened was that basically i was sideswiped by this unexpectedly, i thought everything was ok, and then wham. complete emotional devastation, while she gets to enjoy the giddy rush of a new relationship, throw away our six year relationship and walk away unscathed. not fair. also - the things that were said at the time, the general callousness and some of the mean things that were said - ex., why in the F$CK did she have to blurt out hurtful SH!T like 'i think i love this guy, i may even sleep with him' or try to show me his picture (why would i even care to see this douchebag?!) - just make me see her in a new light, validate feelings of mistrust i've always had towards her that held me back from making more of a commitment to her, and generally just make me wonder, why would i even need a person like this as a friend?

 

and to top it off - she had the audacity to not respect my wishes, contacting me 2 weeks later - when i told her i will contact you in a couple of months. what does she want? well probably a) she is still with this guy and is bored when he is at work or something, noone to talk to so she is trying to contact me. what does she want to talk about? who knows, problems with the new guy? we were together for six years - you have to be an emotional idiot to know that it would probably rip my heart to even discuss trivial stuff like the weather with her at this point, much less be her 'shoulder to cry on' while he's away. i find this incredibly selfish. or b) she made a mistake and wants to patch things up - well, not possible for me at this point, and this is probably not the case anyway.

[Miss M]

Ooookay. Well, I can see why you have some reasons to be angry. You hadn't yet mentioned any of this stuff about her bad behavior, so I had been confused about your reason for your anger. But yeah, this makes it clearer.

 

I'll give my opinion on a couple of things, and you can take it or leave it, or even tell me to mind my own business.

 

So she went from sweet and caring to mean? I guess I wonder if she should get points for all her years of caring patience? Seems she put up with a lot for a long time and maybe something just finally snapped? Of course, I don't really know, just tossing that out there for your consideration.

 

Otherwise, some of your anger definitely seems justified. If someone intentionally mistreats you, tries to hurt you in a deliberate and willful way... yeah, that's pretty mean stuff, and your anger makes sense. But sometimes we start wallowing around in that anger and include things that don't quite fit. Like that point about her needing someone else in order to get over you.... Yeah, that hurts your ego, but by itself that's just her own shortcoming. If she had done that without rubbing it in your face, I can't see how that by itself is a reason to hate her, even though it's painful for you. In fact, I once did the same thing, and I can see how it was hurtful to my ex, because I went directly from one relationship to another. I didn't specifically look for another relationship as a way to help me make the transition, but I found myself attracted to someone before the apartment-hunting and moving process was completed. And then I realized I was using it as a way to cope with the painful breakup. I was fully aware at the time that the new relationship was giving me a way to soften to blow, a crutch. And it even made me more sympathetic to my ex because I knew he didn't have that. And the new guy also knew exactly what was going on, (we discussed it), and he was willing to let me lean on him in that way. So we were all upfront, and everyone knew what it was about. But I never rubbed my ex's face in my new relationship. I was confused, lost, and definitely used to new relationship to keep from falling apart, but I was never cruel about it to any of those involved. IOW your ex, like all of us, has some failings. She obviously needs someone to lean on in order to find the strength to break away from you. Some people use alcohol, some use drugs, some use meaningless sex, or gambling, or video games. And some, like your ex, use another relationship. Just by itself it's just another way of coping and shows how she's lacking an internal emotional strength and resiliency. But we all are lacking in the same way... we only differ in how we cope with it. And there's really no point in getting angry at her for having that flaw. But yeah, if she lashed out at you in anger, trying to use the new relationships to hurt you in an intentional way, that's something very different, (even though it's ultimately still her flaw). So yeah, anger is very understandable, but don't be angry at her for being a flawed and confused person who's clumsily coping, because we all are that.

 

And the "giddy rush" you think she had is probably nothing like you imagine. I'm sure she's probably suffering a great deal. And if she really was getting a buzz from a rush, then she is likely experiencing the inevitable delayed crash right now. IOW no need to resent her because you think she was able to bypass the pain, because I'm sure she hasn't escaped it either. And especially, she did not "walk away unscathed" because it seems the relationship with you was a toxic one too... and it seems that plenty of "scathing" happened to her while she was with you. Just know that there are never any "winners" in a breakup. And it's not a competition to see who can get through it with the least amount of scars. Everybody hurts... a lot.

 

Otherwise, now that you've explained more about her behavior, it seems that she is probably on her own crazy roller coaster, and is very confused. And I'm sure she's feeling tortured. And you're absolutely right, she's not honoring the final agreement of one month, and that's probably because she's being selfish. And yeah, she's probably trying to reach out to you in order to soothe her pain in some way. Maybe she wants to hurt you again. Or maybe she's sorry and has regrets. Or maybe she wants to check to see if you're hurting and thinks you both can help each other stop hurting while you continue with the breakup process. But whatever the reason, it's probably not a good reason to go backward. NC definitely seems the best way to continue. So, if she continues trying to contact you, either ignore her, or if that seems impossible, maybe send her a very brief note to repeat again that you agreed to a month, and that you intend to stick with that. And maybe tell her that even if she persists, you won't respond anymore until the month is up. Just stick to the bare facts, and then go right back to ignoring her.

 

In any case, you're still going through the grieving and healing process. And venting about (and sorting out) the things she did (whether I agree or not) is probably good for you. And hopefully, I've offered something to help.

[pos69sum]

i did make it sound like our relationship was horrible didn't i? it's really sad to think that the reason behind everything that happened was that we loved each other, and we shared a promise w each other that we'd always be there for each other. of course i wound up taking her for granted. i treated her badly, i even - almost- cheated on her a number of times, but i always stopped myself. and that would lead to my breaking up with her due to feeling 'trapped', but then we'd get back together again because i really needed her. this is definitely karmic payback of some sort. i was definitely a lousy boyfriend. i feel so guilty, i want to make it up to her but of course it's too late.

 

in my defense all i can say was i did the best i could - i was working a 50 hour a week job and putting myself through graduate school. my mind was constantly preoccupied by daily pressures of work and exams. i haven't taken a vacation in 4 years. and i was doing it for us, i had this stupid idea that someday i'd make so much money and be able to take care of her. i still haven't gotten to that point, even after all these years of pushing myself. i was stupid - i wasn't there for her in the simplest most basic way. her love inspired me to try to become a better person, but in the end i forgot what i was working so hard for, and i became a person that she didn't love anymore.

[pos69sum]

* * * *! i just called her!!

 

2 weeks of no contact down the drain. i let it ring 3 times then hung up before anyone answered.

 

i feel horrible, god what a shmuck i am.

[pos69sum]

* * * * she called me back!!

 

was not bad, but then again it wasn't good either.

 

i'm gonna need a lot of therapy now.

[friscodj]

Erase any instance of her number or email address from your phone so that doesn't happen again!

[pos69sum]

we had a long conversation - i will write about it later.

 

right now i need a drink.

[Miss M]

Ooh, sorry.

 

But it's not really all "down the drain." You've been through a lot in the last 2 weeks, and you've learned a lot about yourself. You've made a huge amount of progress, growth, insight. And especially you've learned that you can actually bring yourself forward through the most painful periods. That's a very valuable experience and knowledge of yourself that you've gained. You haven't lost all of that, and you can bring yourself through this difficult period too.

 

And sure, it's gonna be painful again now, and it'll probably feel like you're going backward again, but you're not really going all the way back to zero, not really. It probably won't take another entire 2-week period to get back up to where you were. Just remember that breaking up is always a process of going backward and forward. Setbacks are normal and should be expected, just part of the overall process. Just don't beat yourself up for doing what's normal. Have some compassion for yourself.

 

So, do you think it will it help to write about the phone conversation? Or will that make it worse?

[pos69sum]

i basically have *no* hope that we will get back together, except the knowledge that anything is possible - but some things are extremely unlikely. my ex is finally making herself happy, which is all i ever wanted for her, all we ever really wanted for each other, but were unable to do when we were together. how can you find time to make friends in your local area, or find time to do things for youself and your future, when you are in this 'relationship', which except for a few times a year, basically boils down to sitting in your apartment on the phone with someone out of a sense of obligation or loyalty or just force of habit? someone who has very different ideas of what it is exactly you should be doing with your life that are different from what you know is true for you?

 

i am certain that what we felt together was love, although a naive and kind of stupid love that blindly, stubbornly refused to acknowledge our external circumstances. the reality of the situation was that we lived in different parts of the country, and that the *only* thing that would bring us together living in the same city was an offer of marriage on my part, because her family would never consent to us living together outside of marriage. and the reality of the situation was that, at the time, i felt that i was just not ready to make that kind of commitment to her. there was always a part of me that did not trust her, and wanted to be sure that if we got married, we would stay together and never get divorced, as that idea scared me most of all. i felt that she needed to do a lot of growing up - get back into school, find herself a career path, get out of this rut that i felt she was in, not giving any thought to the future, concerned only with partying. i loved this carefree and idealistic girl, but i wanted to marry that girl after she had grown up and was ready to settle down into a mature relationship where both partners contribute to building a future together. a lot of this dichotomy had to do with our age difference - i had done my share of partying when i was her age and i was now trying to focus on my career.

 

it endeared me and exasperated me to have this cute girl always asking me 'so when are you going to marry me?'. nobody *ever* loved me that way, and i cherished her for that. she was my baby, and i always had this idea we would work it out somehow. she just could not see things from my perspective - that i was willing to be with her, but if we were really going to be together we had to have some type of plan. i had a plan, and if she *had* her version of a 'plan', i was wiling to work with her and compromise in whatever way i could to arrive at a mutual plan. i am always pragmatic, it just did not seem like a smart move to me - it seemed like a recipe for disaster, actually. i could see a future where i would resent her for not taking steps to contribute to our general welfare - namely, getting some type of career, resuming her acting pursuits even - and she would likewise grow to resent me for trying to force her to do something which she was, i don't know - 'unable to do at this point in her life', at my most exasperated with her i would say 'too lazy or immature to do'. in my darkest thoughts, i felt sometimes that she just wanted to get married as an easy way to get out of her parent's house, have someone take care of her - and even (i am an * * * for thinking this) have the option of divorcing and getting some money out of it if she didn't like being married to me. i am a very paranoid person - and that is my problem - i always think of the worst possible scenarios.

 

and why shouldn't she insist on getting married to me? when i met her i fell for immediately, i thought if this beautiful young girl wanted to marry me i would do it. and i asked her to marry me the first time we ever spoke to each other, and she said 'yes'. that one promise, made out of a mixture of innocence, desperation and stupidity - changed both our lives for the next five years.

 

for the first three years it was just sweet, and i was carried through my daily life by a secret strength that came from knowing that this beautiful girl was mine and i was hers, and that we would be together once we could. she inspired me to become a better man - to get into graduate school and start building my career. i told her once that she was my 'good luck charm', because all of these good things started happening in my life after i met her. now she is someone else's good luck charm. i wonder what will happen to me now that she is gone, i feel so sad these days i have trouble facing each day. she was the apple in my eye and the joy in my heart. she was the first voice i heard in the mornings, and the person i said goodnight to every night before i went to sleep, she was my best friend - i opened up to her and shared my life, all my thoughts and dreams and fears and secrets, in ways that i never thought would be possible for me. i don't know how i'm ever going to have that kind of bond with another person again.

 

but we had many problems. i know this is not right - but i keep turning over our relationship in my mind, and now i can see that many of the things that were wrong were my fault. she was my first long term girlfriend, and more than that she was my *best* friend, the best friend male or female that i ever had - and i was an arrogant insensitive jerk to her.

 

my parents are very snobbish. they are doctors and are stuck on this idea that i marry someone of my 'caliber'. my mother in particular, saw sophia - this dreamer girl who had dreams of becoming an actress and had dropped out of college - and saw only bad things. she did not like that i was spending all my time - and money, this was in the days before unlimited long distance cellular phone plans - on the phone with this girl in another state. at the time i was saving up for the down payment on my first home - my parents were helping to cover part of my expenses. my mom kept nagging me about not having enough money to meet the deadline for the down payment and how they would have to cover more than they had agreed to, i was under a lot of pressure. and i did something unforgiveable - i broke up with sophia to get my mom off my back (also because we had been fighting at the time but mainly because i me being an idiot). and i got my mom off my back, and i felt free for a little while - until i started missing her, and asked her to take me back. for the next 2 years, i kept the fact that i was still with sophia a secret to my mom and my family. she became a secret that i kept from everybody, and this destroyed our relationship eventually.

 

i do not know why she took me back, if i was in her position i would not take me back after something so horrible. but she did, and time went on and i forgot about it, but she would occasionally give me s*** for it when she got angry with me, and she never really forgot about it. it was at this point where we started having real problems. we also grew to love each other more, but we quarrelled more frequently when we never used to argue at all. i also started going to graduate school - and for a couple of years i was just not *there* a lot of the times, i'd always have some type of test or project i was worried about on top of my normal 40 hour a week job. and i got bored with talking to her, i got more into my music and wanted time to practice, and i met friends in school, women who i thought i probably could have dated. i felt frustrated because i always had to spend my freetime on the phone with sophia. sometimes i would feel resentful towards her, and neglect her, because i felt 'held back' by her.

 

i was the one with a job and school - my life was busy if not fulfilling. i can just imagine what it was like for her - while i was out getting a degree a new house and a career, she seemed to stagnate. she was just a young girl always alone in her room talking on the phone to this guy in another state who was not there for her a lot of the times, or was so preoccupied and stressed out that he ignored her or blew her off. how she put up with this situation, i do not know. i remember one time i did not see her for almost six months because i had a big thesis project, i took her out to a restaurant the first night of that visit. i remember looking accross the table at her and realizing that this beautiful young girl i had met years ago was now overweight, and i could see a sadness in her face that was not there before. this thought made me so sad and guilty, because i realized that i was looking at a depressed person who had spend the past four years sitting in her room on the phone, waiting for me to finish school and marry her. the naivete of that, and love that it took for her to do that, filled me with sadness and it made me love her even more. i started crying and i held her hand. she asked me why i was crying - at the time i could not articulate what i was feeling.

 

but then again i did not force her to do this - she had every opportunity to go out and do whatever it is that would fulfill her as a person, to meet new friends, this is in fact what i wanted her to do. i wanted to marry a complete woman, i didn't want to be everything to someone or to have to bear the sole responsibility for providing for a household. she *could not* do this while she was with me. this is her problem, and it kills me when she says 'i have to find out what i want to do with my life and i can't when i'm with you' - because this is exactly what i've been telling her to do all along, and the thing that made me so frustrated with her. we held each other back from really living life, we were each other's security blankets - and despite the great love and friendship we shared, we could not overcome this. she told me on the phone she got tired of waiting for me to marry her, and i don't blame her. she waited six years, much longer than i deserved. if i could have done that, we would have been able to move on with our lives *together* - but i could not see this at the time.

 

when she broke up with me, i was shocked by the animosity that i could sense she had been holding back for so long. she told me on the phone that she could not get over the situation with my mother. it broke my heart to hear her basically gushing about this new guy she was with, and the casualness with which she now spoke to me, as if i was her best guy friend, when for so long we were much closer than just friends. this new guy actually sounds like a decent guy - he is taking her to meet his parents, she told me. he is proud of me, she said. when i heard that, i felt like i deserved all the loneliness and heartbreak that i had gotten. and she deserved to be happy for a change. god i miss her so much, i feel like i'm missing a part of myself. when i think that she doesn't love me anymore, that i lost my baby because i was a coward, because i could not stand up for her, because i could not be a man, i feel like dying. i might have lost the love of my life and the best thing that will ever happen to me.

 

i had a dream once that i spoke to god, he told me 'you see that girl? that's the person that i gave to you. you have to take care of her'.

 

on the last day of her last visit - we took a long drive and i turned to her and said: 'i love you. just give me the word and i will go to my parents and tell them that i am with you, i will stand up for you'. she was overjoyed at the time and told me that was the sweetest thing i ever said to her. she never took me up on that, i thought that she might have on this last visit over new years, which never happened because at that point she had already broken up with me. something, like you said, snapped in her mind between that day and christmastime. i will probably go to my grave wondering what caused this sudden change in her perception, but i think that it was more than meeting another guy - in fact i think that guy is just her 'safety net' to avoid feeling alone right now, but i do not know or want to know the specifics of that relationship. whatever caused this change in her, it is my fault. i did this to myself, i don't know how i can live with myself knowing this.

 

she is a different person now. i do not know this person, i know my best friend is still there somewhere, although she may be trying to bury that person forever. this new person treats me casually, and it cuts me to the core. it hurts me more than a punch to the gut hearing her talk to me about her new guy, like i'm just one of her girlfriends. and it makes me angry that she would be so malicious, or be so unthinking, that she would flaunt details about this new relationship as if she were talking to just anybody on the street.

 

and she has become cruel. she makes hurtful comments like 'why don't you go hang out with your mom now?' and 'you should fire your therapist'. she had im'ed me a couple of times, and i missed her so much that i broke down and called her. she asked me why i was calling, was i calling to talk like friends? no, i said, i was calling because i missed you. and we proceeded to talk, and i tried to talk as friends, although every word that was said was like a knife in my heart. when i hung up with her i said 'i love you'. and she said 'it'll be our secret, i love you too'.

[pos69sum]

one day i will not have any desire to think about it anymore, and then i will know that have moved on. any person who just lost their girlfriend will be temporarily obsessed with it like i am. maybe the act of writing these things down will help me sort things out more quickly, i don't know.

 

have you ever seen that movie 'sweet and lowdown'? sean penn is a jazz guitarist whose girlfriend finally gets sick of his * * * * and leaves him. at first he doesn't care, but then he realizes that he really loves her, and tries to get her back but at that point she has already married someone else. it's at that point that he becomes a real artist goes on to create the greatest music of his career, before disappearing into obscurity.

[pos69sum]

ok

 

probably the stupidest thing i've done so far:

 

i copied this thread into my blog and i sent her this email-

 

s.-

 

i don't know what you will think of me after reading this, but i am writing about my life after you breaking up with me on my blog

 

link removed

 

i respect your decision for wanting to go on with your life. i am not trying to get you back, i wrote some things here that i was never able to say to you and i thought you should read. after that last phone conversation i realized that it just hurts too much to talk to you right now. you will always be a dear person to me, and i would really like to be friends with you the way you want at some point, it just hurts too much at this point. i just wanted you to read some of these things that i wrote. i hope you are well, give my love to your family.

 

me

[pos69sum]

i'm basically trashing any type of progress i've made or even chance at a friendship right now, why did i do that?

[Miss M]

This is an interesting (and complicated) story as it continues to unfold. (Wow, I didn't know it would come to this when I first posted just to let you know someone cared, geez... it's okay though. ) I'll give you my thoughts so far... (and I'm doing my "psycho-analytical" thing here, but hopefully it's not too painful. )... anyway, here goes...

 

It seems you feel a need to be angry/resentful at someone... at yourself... or at her.... And you keep switching back and forth because you have this anger and resentment that you really desperately want to "assign" to somebody, and you just can't decide who deserves it more. Every time you try to assign it fully to her, you see that she doesn't fully deserve it. And then you switch to assigning it fully to yourself, and you also see that you don't fully deserve it. I think you're right when you realize that neither of you is deserving of all of the anger. It's not an "all or nothing" situation. There's a lot of gray area. (I'm in therapy too, and psychologists refer to this as a "black or white" way of thinking.) But life and relationships are not all one way or the other. We just can't realistically categorize relationships as either/or, and we only harm ourselves and others when we try to regard it all in that way.

 

Your anger can be likened to you having a hot potato that's burning your hands, and you need to hurry up and put it off onto someone else (her). You can't make up your mind who deserves to be "burned." But also you know that neither of you deserves it. But really, the bottom line is you don't NEED to be angry at either one of you. The anger and resentment is a kind of "free-floating" thing that you were feeling long before you met her, so in one sense, it's illegitimate. You're inclined to try to assign this free-floating anger to places where it doesn't rightly belong, and some part of you knows that's not right, so no matter where you place it, you feel guilty. And you then feel a need to pull it back again, taking it on yourself, assigning it to yourself in the form of self-hatred. And so you're left again with the anger burning you in harmful way, so what do you do with it? But of course, knowing this won't make it automatically go away. But maybe it will help just a little if you can understand that the anger and resentment is almost like a separate pre-existing entity that seems to have inserted itself into the middle of this. It genuinely seems like it rightly belongs there, but it really doesn't.

 

Also, you keep switching back and forth from blaming her for everything, to not blaming her at all. No, she should not take all the blame, but also, she is NOT blameless in this, and part of you knows that too. I'm sure she really is/was a sweet and loving and patient woman, but sitting around for six years waiting for you to "fix" her life isn't what an emotionally healthy and whole person would do. Also you should not have proposed that first day, and she definitely should not have said yes. I'm sure it seemed very inspired and romantic at the time, but both of you were obviously showing signs of having poor judgment that day... red flags. A woman who was thinking clearly would have been very wary of you at that point, but she immediately latched onto you, holding tightly onto your promise. And she definitely should not have been sitting in her bedroom on the phone with you for six years. (How old is she?) She should have been out making a life for herself with school, career, friends, activities. You felt the burden of being everything to her, you felt imprisoned, and resentful, and that made you balk and hedge, and rightly so. She was putting too much of the responsibility on you to fix her life, to be everything for her, and you felt that burden and resented it. I actually think that was a very rational and sane part of you that was resisting that.

 

Also you think you messed up your chance at a wonderful marriage... Well I say you didn't. I say the marriage would have been a very hellish disaster. I would even say you dodged a bullet and should consider yourself lucky. A marriage with her would have been a blending of all of your dysfunctional problems... and all of her dysfunctional problems... and man, it would have been "up close and personal" in a way you probably can't even imagine. There is just no way you can get a realistic idea of marriage if you spend so much of the pre-nuptial time sitting on the phone with each other... it's just not the same thing at all. And how could you marry someone who you rejected in order to placate your mother? And how could you marry someone you felt ashamed to share with your family? (e.g. keeping her a secret for 2 years?) And how could you marry someone who you didn't respect... who you resented even prior to marriage? You had an unwholesome and mutually codependent relationship that clearly wasn't working, so the marriage would not have magically made the relationship flower into something wholesome. A marriage would have just emphasized and magnified the dysfunction, and it would have been a guaranteed catastrophe. There's no point in looking back to what might have been, or berating yourself for what you tossed away, because that fantasy image in your head is not actually the reality that would have unfolded. And also, that anger you saw in her towards the end... my guess is that it was always there, just hiding, lurking, waiting.

 

So, at this point, all you can do now is take the good encouragement and inspiration she gave you, be grateful for that for what it's worth. It made you better now than what you were before you met her, and moved you further along in your life. Really that's great. But do realize it was just a stepping stone to something better, not a stopping off point. And it was NOT, and never was, a good idea to marry her. And it's probably worth repeating again that you are NOT old... and your life is NOT over. (I can say that because I'm much older than you. ) In fact there is something better that waits down the road for you if you can find the courage to face it and accept it and move towards it.

 

You now have to figure out how to BE your own person without her. You're a lot like her in a certain way, because you've spent years getting your identity and self-worth from her and through her. You've spent years knowing that she was there patiently loving you, giving you all her attention and hope, and you've used her as your motivation. Now you have to figure out how to give that good regard to yourself without her, how to motivate yourself. That's the very difficult job you now have to do, and that's the thing that's really torturing you at the core because you don't yet know how to do that. Your usual tendency and habit is to hate and berate yourself. So how do you look at yourself in the mirror and find your own self-worth and self-respect without channeling it through her? That's a really tough thing to face when you've been out of practice for so long, but really, it's your only option.

 

I also have more opinions about your relationship with your parents, but that's not really what this thread is about. But I do think a large part of getting healed from this breakup has to do with also getting away from the need to have your parent's input, approval, (and money), in regard to your life choices. In other words, your self-worth doesn't come from your ex. But also, your self-devaluation shouldn't continue to come from your parents either.

 

BTW, I tried that link but it only takes me to the myblog home page. There's really no way at all to find you from their home page. So if you gave her that same link, (and unless she knows something that I don't), she might not have been able to find your blog and read it. Now, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

[pos69sum]

omg how do you know me so well?

 

this is very good, i really appreciate it. and got me through a rough day of sitting inside w nothing to do - usually a bad thing for me these days.

 

i will write more later, peace to you miss m.

[crossflow]

Sorry for my ignorance but I am confused. Were you living with Sophia or was this just a 6 year phone relationship? or were you together at one point but then moved away? I'm having trouble working out what sort of relationship this was (Not that it really matters)