becoming friends with the ex after a few months

[karen95]

Me and my ex have been broken up for a few months. would really like to try and give the relationship another go. cant talk to him about it, as that would push him away.

we are not on bad terms with each other, but we are not in contact either.

SO i would like to become "friends" with him again. i dont know when i will get this opportunity, but i'd say i will.

but if/when this opportunity comes around, how do i become friends with him without falling into the friends trap.

we were friends before we started the relationship.

but i want to "re-seduce" him so to say, without him knowing what i am doing. but how do i be his friend with potential rather than just a friend?? (i hope this makes sense!!!)

 

does any1 have any advice,

thanks!!

[Beec]

To start with do fun things together, that are not dates. Men bond by doing, more than talking. Women bond by talking more than doing things. You can ask him to do some things, but you should not make your asking appear to be you asking for a date.

 

Second, if you really want to try, go read "The Art of Seduction" by Robert Greene. It is amoral and if followed to the end will probably give you an unhealthy relationship. But if taken with a grain of salt, is quite useful and instructive. I would not stop reading there, but that's where I'd start.

[darkblue]

You show from the very start that you want more than a friendship.

[Beec]

You show from the very start that you want more than a friendship.

 

Step 2 in a seduction would be to make an indirect approach. Showing you want more would not be indirect. Sending some mixed messages might work. I'd be vague.

 

And, yes, I know this is or may be manipulative or playing games, but seduction is manipulative. It's getting a person to want what you want them to want, in this case back into or restarting the relationship.

[darkblue]

I don't like the word 'seduction', it has connotations with having hidden agendas and simply wanting one thing.

[karen95]

i think i will have to give mixed messges though. he is 1 person that you could very easily push away. that is why i have been in no contact for so long. as well as to heal myself i knew i had to stay away from him for a few months. i am hoping that he has a bit of respect for me as when he broke up with me i did not cry or beg. i just asked him if he was sure he wanted to break up, and when he said yes i just walked away. we did share a few text messges then, but that was just in the days following hte break up. they were just a few messages trying to keep the friendship going but it proved to hard for both of us i think.

but now i think i am strong enough to try and give this a go. i will try to bump into him "accentially" a few times and maybe get talking a bit, and then hopefully send a few text message. i'd say it will be a slow process but we were friends before we started going out together so hopefully it wont be impossible.

[darkblue]

Nothing is impossible.

[karen95]

i know. i really dont want to mess this up. i want to make the best possible attempt at this, and if he is not interested i will move on. but talking to him about it or telling him would def not work. i dont like playing games but to get him interested im me again, i think i would have to pretend that i was not that interested in him but also try to build a friendship and have contact!!! does that make any sense?

[Beec]

I don't like the word 'seduction', it has connotations with having hidden agendas and simply wanting one thing.

 

I don't think it's the word you have issues with, I think you don't like the concept. It can well mean one has intentions and desries that are hidden and that you want and have one thing in seducing as a goal.

 

I also think you probably engage in it to some extent, because we all do at least a little.

[Beec]

i know. i really dont want to mess this up. i want to make the best possible attempt at this, and if he is not interested i will move on. but talking to him about it or telling him would def not work. i dont like playing games but to get him interested im me again, i think i would have to pretend that i was not that interested in him but also try to build a friendship and have contact!!! does that make any sense?

 

Perfect sense. I like the way you are thinking.

[darkblue]

Yes, it does make sense karen - and if you feel that it will help you move on, with or without him - go for it.

 

I agree beec, every one does it to some extent. I suppose we just don't like admitting that we do.

[karen95]

Its just getting this friendship going that i am worried about. i do not want to lose any dignity or respect. i managed to keep no contact and did not cry/beg after the break up and i do not want to throw that all away now. because at this point he can never say i cried or begged or ran after him or rang him and i dont want to throw that away.if i do become friends with him again i will know whether i stand a chance or not. its just becoming friends with him without letting him know that i am interested in getting back together with him that i am going to find hard to do.

[lonelyfish]

Start with just a friendly phone call, I wouldn't push the "friends" thing though. See how the conversation goes.

[confused89]

its going to be building a friendship that is going to be the hardest along with keeping your self respect. just try to bump into him a few times and get talking a few times. maybe you could start texting each other again???

[Beec]

Acutally, you should try a few communcations with you onlyseemking to care how he is and not wanting to tell him much about you and what's going on in your life. Be very vague, but seem interested in him.

 

It would be great if you called the first time about something he was interested in and about which you had a question. I don't know him, so I cannot come up with it.

 

An ex of mine, once called about getting some things of "hers" but really wanted somethings I once offered her that were mine. I first gave her, her stuff, then gave her what she wanted, she thanksed me, and it took a while, but we got back together.

 

In the short term, be a friend, but don't act like you want to be friends either. Does that make sense?

[chai714]

I agree with Beec.

 

Making an indirect approach is your best bet, by far. I've known someone in a similar situation as yours. He made an indirect approach - went to coffee a few times, even saw a movie with his ex, and asked for nothing in return. As long as you can execute this in such a way that you come off as if you want nothing from him and expect nothing, but while you're with him you meet his emotional needs then you're doing well.

 

There's no "sure way" of getting him, but your attitude and approach are likely to have more desireable results as opposed to other direct methods.

[karen95]

that makes a lot of sense. its getting this initial contact and getting back on speaking terms without f**king it up that i am most worried about.

[chai714]

I can only think of a couple ways of making contact.

 

One - "coincidentally" running into him. This could be at church, the mall, school, a restaurant, club, etc. People know people, people talk, so you might be able to figure it out.

 

Two - make an excuse to call him. If he's into "fly fishing" let him know that you heard of a "fly fishing expo" coming to town. If he's into cars/trucks, ask him about something you "are considering" buying. Think of a way and bust a move (or rather, a phone call).

 

Three - email him an interesting article you think he might be interested in. If he takes the bait (by responding), write back and then call him. This might take some "weirdness" away.

[Beec]

I can only think of a couple ways of making contact.

 

One - "coincidentally" running into him. This could be at church, the mall, school, a restaurant, club, etc. People know people, people talk, so you might be able to figure it out.

 

Two - make an excuse to call him. If he's into "fly fishing" let him know that you heard of a "fly fishing expo" coming to town. If he's into cars/trucks, ask him about something you "are considering" buying. Think of a way and bust a move (or rather, a phone call).

 

Three - email him an interesting article you think he might be interested in. If he takes the bait (by responding), write back and then call him. This might take some "weirdness" away.

 

All good examples of the kind of thing you might do.

[redandblack]

Before giving advice here I would like to know a little more about your relationship. I couldn't find any past threads about it.

 

If you dumped him, then I believe most of the above advice would work wonderfully. However, if he dumped you then there could be many situations under which contacting him like this might not be ideal.

 

I think a lot of how you proceed here depends on the past circumstances.

[karen95]

we were friends before we got together.

we were together for about 7 months but i think we got too serious too quick as we did not have the whole getting to know each other bit of our relationship due to the fact that we were friends first.

he moved town, got new job and new friends. he got distant, i got clingy. we only had about a bad 2 weeks. but we broke up in the middle of a heated argument. i walked away with as much dignity as i could and did not cry or beg as i knew that this would wreck any chance of a relationship or friendship in the future. we did text each other for a few days after we broke up. just friendly texts but i think it was too much for the both of us.

so we have not had contact in a few months. i grew strong and would be able to handle a friendship with him now. he has moved back home so hopefully i will be able to bump into him.

[karen95]

i think he is dating people but nothing serious. its just a relationship that i feel ended before its time and i would really like to give it another go. and if that fails i would like to be friends with him because we were close friends for ages before we got together. its just i dont want to push him. all the ideas about contacting him were great. i really like the email one, but he does not have an email address - he still lives in the stone ages. completely avoids computers.

[Beec]

Instead of email, you can send him something. I ocne sent an ex an article I copied from a magazine, because I thought she would be interested in it. Now, I was not interested in her, but it seemed to revive some interest of her in me. And it did get us having friendly communcations.

[karen95]

thanks for al the advice, i will try something in the coming few weeks and let you know what happens!!