Need advice.

[Silver Glow]

I went to check my email on bf's computer. We both have told each other, we have nothing to hide.. and checking emails etc... no biggie.

 

Well, gmail already had him logged in and I noticed one of the two new mails he got.. "___, someone is interested in your profile!"

 

So I'm like.. Profile? Hm. Click..

 

It's to this.. sex site. Dating, web-cams, videos.. not professional porn if you know what I mean.

 

Anyways.. the information was up to date after our recent move (about 6 months) we've been together for over 4 years now. We have a child who is not quite a year and I did confront him about it.

 

The part that got me, was that in the profile it stated all of his fantasies, and said.. "I am seeking a discreet sexual relationship outside the home."

 

I'm floored. He can't tell ME what his fantasies are.. can't even talk to me with the lights on lik enormal. I've noticed they are either dim, off completely or we just don't talk about it. I'm always the one asking him what HIS fantasies are.. so I can try to please him without saying.. "tell me what to do to you". I get "I don't really know.. I don't really have anything I like specifically"

 

Well anyways.. the answer I got was that he didn't know why he made the account. He said he wasn't mad that I found it, but that there was anything there to be found. He said he was very sorry, and that was about all he could tell me.

 

I've had a past marriage that I left partly because of how much chasing of other people my ex did. 1) Peeping tom if you ever heard of one. 2) Wanted to * * * * his "Friend from work" with my permission. 3) He'd gotten me to do a 3some with him.. 4) was all into any kind of sex except child porn.

 

So.. I don't know what to think. I don't know wether his lack of explanation is believable, you know.. he was so specific with the sex fantasies in this profile but he couldn't ever tell me that he'd thought about sex with two women. (That's pretty standard stuff right?)

 

I'm not mad that he looked at the porn, well yeah I'm jealous.. I'm fat and ugly and he keeps telling me I'm not... Of bloody course I'm jealous of that but... putting that aside... I feel that my level of 210% trust in this guy.. was completely shattered. He can't tell his girlfriend of 4 -5 years what kind of sex he goes to look for.. it's like pulling teeth out of a dead horse! All I really got was that he kind of liked red heads. =/

 

He says he never went back, and most of the emails he's gotten were marked for the spam box.. and he'd never gone back even.

 

But here he is, requesting sex on the side that I don't know about (That whole Discreet bull * * * *.) and all he could tell me was that he didn't mean it.. and it was when he couldn't find work and he didn't know... he was sorry.

 

I'm so * * * *ing pissed off at him.. I don't yell at him. I hardly act indifferent, because really I'm still trying to figure out if his words are like his actions..

 

I really really loved him. (I say loved, because I feel like everything, our love, our trust, our futures.. is on hold now.) I have a beautiful child with him. I never planned to even look at anyone else after being with him..

 

I'm so heart broken and I don't know what to do. There are things I want answers to. To help me deal with this.. but I don't get a solid answer.

 

I don't expect you guys to have a solution for me. but... do you have anything?

 

I feel like just the act of filling out his profile with a request for a discreet sexual relationship... is grounds for cheating on me emotionally. If he couldn't even talk to me.... why is he making some profile somewhere asking strangers to * * * *

him?!

 

Has he cheated on me? Should this be looked at, as though he had really committed some act behind our backs? (My son and I - because that's how I feel.) I would rather he tell me he wants to have sex with someone else, so we can decide wether or not to end things.. than for him to tell me nothing, and go be with others.. and bring home whatever to me.

 

I'm so lost right now.

[annieo]

Wow Silver Glow so sorry! If I were you I would do some further checking on the computer. Check the history and see where else he has been. Did you check his sent e-mails to see if he sent any replies? Can you check to see if he really has his e-mail set up to send these notices he gets to spam?

He has given you every reason to not trust him, can you believe that he registered and never did anything else? He said he was looking for sex outside the home, you need to be sure he hasn't. Protect yourself. Get tested for STD's. Maybe he never did anything else but you need to be sure.

I know how hard this is. You can get through it if he sincerely wants to. He has to admit everything, hide nothing and do everything he can to make you feel secure.

Most important take some time for yourself right now. I found a therapist I could talk to very helpful. I never wanted to tell anyone else. When I did eventually forgive my husband I didn't want anyone treating him differently or for my kids to find out what dad had done. She was wonderful because I could tell her everything and she helped me see things clearly and to stand up for myself.

Take care, you will get through all of this!

[coollady1957]

read my original first post " he lies , cheats, and decieves, when is it enough"

i have had a similar situation in some respect, and i am about to end my relationship with BF today for good.

[RayKay]

Welcome to enot Silver, I am just sorry that you are in this situation to begin with.

 

I cannot tell you what to do or how to feel, I can say for myself that finding out my partner was "seeking discreet affairs" to me would be cheating - it is a betrayal of me, my trust and a huge disrespect to the relationship. It is at the very least emotional cheating. However for some, it could be forgiven as he has not take it off line (from what you can tell). I can't answer that, it's something you need to search your own heart and gut. I don't think anyone would blame you for wanting to leave and feeling the way you do. Once the trust is broken, it is very very hard to get back to being healthy relationship wise again.

 

Since you have a child together, I do think you should make an attempt to seek counselling together, but also keeping in mind it may end up being used to deal with the breakup rather then to come back together. It is possible he signed up out of interest and decided it was not for him....but then you need to decide if that is a dealbreaker or not too.

 

He will have to earn that trust back, and you must feel you are willing to give it back bit by bit. If not, it is better to end things now before it only gets worse, however if you are both committed to working through this, this experience may also perhaps create more understanding between you. Perhaps he was afraid to share his fantasies or insecure, perhaps now he won't be. I am not sure, these are things you need to work out for yourself.

 

Good luck, please keep us updated,

 

RayKay

[poke]

I guess I can relate on some levels...

 

I worked out my partner was cheating after too many things just didn't add up.

 

As part of that experience I did learn some valuable lessons though.

 

- Communication is one the most important things in a relationship.

- Work out what is the symptom, and what is the cause.

 

I would suggest that him visiting the dating site, and registering his details is a symptom of something deeper that he is struggling with. (doesn't make it any less hurtful if its a symptom, just helps to make some sense of the picture) The problem is working out what its a symptom of... this is the hard bit, and where the whole communication thing is so critical.

 

My partner wore clothes that showed off her bits... and interacted with males in a way that used to really upset me. It wasn't until I understood that what she was doing was a symptom, that I started to be able to deal with it. The cause was insecurities that she has been struggling with since childhood, resulting in an unhealthy need for male attention. When those insecurities were addressed, then the symptom that was hurting me stopped.

 

I know that might not seem to help with the issue of him advertising for discreet sex, but if you are able to look past the incident itself and get to the crux of why it happened, then you may be able to find some answers that help you with the decision (to leave him or not) that your struggling with.

 

In my own experience, I had no idea of the problems my partner was having. I knew she was unhappy about some things, but I just thought that those things were just part of life, and left it at that. After I found out what was going on, a lot of communication occurred... and not all healthy, but in the end it all helped me to see the issues that I had been missing before.

 

If he finds it difficult to discuss things with you, ie the fantasies... then maybe you guys need to look at some strategies to help kickstart communication. As RayKay said, find a good counsellor. I have been to a few different ones, and I'd have to say that some of them did more harm than good, so its good to be picky.

 

The things that I learnt about communicating were to do with how I responded to something my partner said. Although I would consider myself a fairly sensitive guy, when my partner said something I would respond with a suggestion or a fix (typically male I'm told), or even just an opinion. Sometimes I would get angry about what had been said too. Now, I've learnt to just listen, acknowledge that I've heard what they said. Maybe ask some questions to clarify what I've heard, but not to "respond" - even if I feel hurt and angry. Since I started doing that, it seems that she communicates (even unprompted, which was unheard of) alot more with me. I will still go back to her a little while later, and say... when you told me xxxxxxx I felt very hurt because of xxxx.

 

Anyway... I'm rambling... my advise to you is:

 

1. Ask him if he would be prepared to go to counselling with you. I've found that people that are willing to try and work things out generally have a decent chance of making it work.

 

2. Spend some regular time together... once a week, once a fortnight... whatever is reasonable. Doesn't have to be a flashy restaurant. Just a walk in the park, repaint a room together... whatever. Just do something where you have an opportunity to talk (or hell... even not talk, just be together). You would be surprised what little emotional tid bits come bubbling to the surface during the course of time spent together. Don't feel like you have to discuss the issues. You can even make it an issue free zone if that makes it less threatening

 

3. Do something, anything!!! Don't let the situation just muddle along seemingly out of your control. Take control of it! Do what you need to do for you to be ok. It could be something like... set boundaries, get counselling, get STD tests, and if you have to leave him to be ok, then do it. I hope for both your sakes, and your childs that it doesn't come to that. If you do just let things run their course, and do nothing... waiting for something to change, then IMHO, you will end up feeling even more hurt, vulnerable, frustrated, angry and less like loving him than ever before.

 

Sorry if its all been a bit disjointed, but I've just typed it all out as I thought it. If I haven't made sense feel free to ask me to clarify it.

 

I'm no expert in relationships or counselling... I just hope that some of the stuff I've been through can help make your road a little easier.

[Silver Glow]

So, I was going to wait to read your responses before I spoke to him about it to 'finish' even talking to him about it. But we had planned to go get some dinner, and after thinking about things again, I was obviously very upset at him again. He handed me th ekeys to the truck and told me he would look after the baby - and suggested I needed a break from the two of them.

 

Well.. a little more talking and I told him.. "You know, I've been trying to tell myself that you did it because you were doing something stupid, or just for "Whatever" (You know, being dumb online? I can understand that... ) but, you never do anything without a reason. Never."

 

So he asked me to go back inside to talk some more, and we sat down on the floor together and he opened up a little. He said he didn't say anything about why he'd posted the ad, because he felt ashamed. He signed up, duringa time when I guess we were having alot of arguments, and I was yelling at him alot, he couldn't find work.. (I can understand feeling like crap in life.. and looking for some kind of out... but.)

 

He told me that he registered on the site, but realized what he was doing and what would happen in our lives and closed it, never went back and never responded to the emails he got (And he didn't. I had gotten a thorough look at his account there. All of the emails are kept on the website, then the website emails you that someone left you a message. Every single one of them were unread. And the free acount was expired.. ) So yeah, I honestly don't believe he actually did anything. When I left him a voice message to confront him about this.. he told his boss he had to get home Right then.. he couldn't explain but he just had to leave that moment. - He was affraid the baby and I would have already been gone by the time he got home.

 

Anyways.. I told him that I didn't know what the hell he thought was going to come of screwing around with other people. It wasn't going to solve those problems he was having, and I told him how I felt that he'd even gone outside of our relationship to look for sex, just because we were having a bad week.

 

I have personal experience with this on two counts.

 

First one, my dad found another woman in college when he and my mom were having a bad week. My dad said my mom was yelling at him alot and he found someone that made him feel good. Well, I was right at th eage where I remember that my mom left my brother and I with them when she caught them at the doughnut place we used to love. I really really hated her, and I resented being forced to sit in her lap when we all had to pile into my dad's truck.

 

and Two, my ex-husband I left partly because he was always online trying to hook up with other girls. At the time, i was online getting the emotional attention I needed with other guys, so I didn't honestly care, he wasn't giving me what I needed and we handled our relationship horribly. Well I hated my life - hated myself.. and I worked up th eguts to leave him. He had actually asked me if it was ok with me if he screwed his 'best friend' from work. I went to visit my mom for 3 months (I learned not to do this btw... never ever do this unless you have to I guess.) and he had her come stay with him. He SAID they never did anything, and that she just wandered around in her skimpy little bikini... and he 'considered' my visit to my mom, a break in our marriage. I have serious doubts of wether he told me the truth or not. At any rate.. back to our story.

 

So - I told him these things. So he understood where I am coming from. I listened to what he had to say.. and although my trust is bruised I am going to stay with him. .. for now. I believe his words of appology, and he told me that he wouldn't blame me for leaving. When I asked him flat out, what he thought I should do, and what he would do if things were reversed... I think it really hit his heart. He shut up for a few minutes and with a pained look he admitted that he could only tell me what he wanted me to do, and that was to stay. He said it would never happen again, and I told him that I didn't want him to promise that to me. I'm finished with anyone promising me anything they can't follow through on.

 

And now that I type that.. I'm sad. We are promised to each other. He hasn't yet asked me to marry him, but we've been this way for.. I dunno. 4 years now? *sigh* I think I'm going to wind up doubting him for a very long time, but biting my tongue until he does something. How sad to start a brand new year off this way.. (All of this came out on the first.).

 

So, at any rate. That's how things went.. I know I could have been clearer but.. I didn't get a chance to write this last night, when it was still kind of fresh in my mind. I told him I needed him to be stronger, to not go looking out of our relationship if there are problems going on in our relationship.

 

And.. later in the truck after we went out to get out of th ehouse.. I told him to leave me, before he ever cheated on me. I guess.. I really hate that men who cheat, don't have the balls, the backbone, the honesty, dignity or respect to just dump you before they go screwing around on you and bringing home whatever filth they pick up from some 'casual sex meeting'.

[Silver Glow]

Oh yeah.. and he's never usually not with me unless he's at work. So we are together alot of the time, and he gets to have friends over or go out with them whenever he wants.. I don't have friends here. I don't know anyone.. he's my friend, my only real contact with other people here since we've moved to where his family is. (And I don't really like them all that much. I tolerate going over to do things with them, and it isn' like I'm not nice or genuine but I don't appreciate alot of the things they do, or the way they behave around any of us so I just keep to myself.)

 

So anyway.. the only time he would have been able to really do anything.. was if he was scheduled to work. And he's been late before, but only by an hour. Around here, that's really not enough time for anything like moonlighting as an available man.

 

And with the realizatin of what he'd done.. I think he became aware of what he was about to do. And that was to do to his own son, what his dad had done to him. Give cause to 'abandon'. His dad.. was never married to his mom. I have no idea how lnog they were together after he was born.. but it wound up that his mom dropped him off at his dad's parents house, who raised him. His dad was never around, was never a father, and he says he doesn't want our son to grow up in a broken home like he did. So..

 

I think he tried to handle things on his own.. but out of a quirk that I wanted to check my email on his puter since I was downstairs with the baby - and seeing one of the stray emails... just kind of.. I dunno. Wound up being an ugly mistake that got seen. I really hope that this doesn't happen again, and more so because I don't want him to take things any further. I honestly believe.. he is the best guy in th eworld for me.. and I'm always affraid some gorgeous looking little thing is going to catch his attention.. but that's unfounded and just my self confidence going down the tubes. I'm always like that.. Im not sexy and I'm not even very attractive. But I still want to be respected in a relationship no matter who I'm with.

 

I don't want to have to leave him, but you can be certain that if there is reason.. I won't be sticking around to wind up hating myself again.

[RayKay]

SilverGlow,

 

I think you are doing the right thing, since you are following your heart AND your gut in this and it sounds like....this did open some things up between you two, which may strengthen things.

 

I can relate to what you are going through, I have actually been in a VERY similar situation to you that I would prefer to talk about privately rather then here (you may have to enable your PM's first though!), and it turned out well.

 

RayKay

[Silver Glow]

Oh, are they not on when you register? Okay, I'll look for that. I think I'm going to keep this site a private little.. um. Resource hehe. I need somewhere where I don't know anyone that I can vent and ask for help in some area's.

 

I really appreciate all of your responses, and if we have more rocky steps - I am going to talk to him about counceling of some sort. We're really broke at the moment and no insurance even if that did help cover some of it but.. anyway.

[RayKay]

Oh, are they not on when you register? Okay, I'll look for that. I think I'm going to keep this site a private little.. um. Resource hehe. I need somewhere where I don't know anyone that I can vent and ask for help in some area's.

 

I really appreciate all of your responses, and if we have more rocky steps - I am going to talk to him about counceling of some sort. We're really broke at the moment and no insurance even if that did help cover some of it but.. anyway.

 

Yeah, you may need to enable them in your settings, as I got a bounce back.

 

I am off for the day, but will try to send you something tomorrow if I can remember! It's a similar story that worked out well, but might help you see it can be done, and he may very well be telling the truth...does not make it RIGHT, but the fact he does truly seem sorry and wanting to fix things, and talk with you seems VERY positive.

 

Take care,

 

RayKay

[coollady1957]

hi SILVER GLOW, i hope everything works out for you. its hard to make the decisions i know. I struggled for several weeks with no sleep and anxiety attacks over my situation. my now EX BF lied and cheated and decieved me. he started out the first time, by going to singles sites and signing up , he communicated with numerous women and then cheated on me with one of them. He stopped for a while but just last month he started the same thing again,,, searching out women on the net, having sex converstaions with them and finally led to him setting up meetings again.

HE and I had set our boundries when we first me on what we did and didnt consider to be cheating scenarios and situations. He didnt keep with what we agreed on. He wanted his cake and eat it to. We rarely had agruements or disagreements of any magnitude. The sex life was great, we enjoyed every thing we did together in life. but some how he just needed more. He never had a good clear reason for what he did. I too had told him that if he felt the need to cheat or to have other women to just let me go , split with me and then go and do what ever he wanted, but to please never do it behind my back. Of course he said he would never hurt me nor cheat on me and he would part with me before hurting me by cheating> well that didnt happen, he did it anyway behind my back.

I hope that your parnter can change his ways if he truly loves you and u want to be with him. I hate to see people have to break up. We all have our personal situations that are similar but some times they dont have the same out come. I am sure there are situations that can be resolved on the positive side of working thru it all,, however mine just wasnt one of them.

[poke]

Silver Glow... at least you have started communicating. There is an opportunity now to keep talking about things, so hopefully it won't get to that point again.

[Silver Glow]

I hope so too Poke.

 

And I'm sorry to hear about that guy Coollady.. I really hope he doesn't.. I told him if it happens again, he's going to get the knee jerk reaction, the utter and complete * * * * * that comes out, and that he's just going to have it. (All the emotions and outrage that I held back on this time. And I told him that it would come from this time too heh.)

 

Or, I'll just be aloof and tell him "Okay whatever.. we'll be out tonight. Kbye"

Course, that's my mean streak shining through, hoping it really hurts him that I couldn't care any less about things. Probably backfire on me but..

 

I hope hope hope.. he doesn't do anything like this again, or worse. I'd totally be bummed. He's so wonderful.