Boyfriend Has Had Mutliple Affairs - Need Help

[Hope75]

Hi sad moop,

 

I asked you some tough questions in my last post to you. I noticed that you didn't respond.. I wonder if you've thought of the answers to yourself.

 

Of course I wake up today.check the phone....there is a fresh message from this woman at 2.30am. It was harmless.........but, of course it all goes somewhere....it is playful but, nothing explicit. And of course all the call logs I found yesterday have been deleated and all of his sent and received texts.

 

Girl, if my boyfriend was receiving phone calls at 2:30 am from a woman you can bet I'd be questioning him. To me, there is NO excuse for a committed man to be receiving booty calls like that. Unless it's his sister and she's broken down somewhere or something like that. I'm sorry, but I agree with Mun. Late night calls like that show ME that he's still looking, still making himself available.

 

Why are you afraid to confront him about this? Do you feel afraid that when you do the outcome won't be favorable and you will be forced to take action? (i.e. leave him?) What makes you afraid of a life without him?

 

I am of course trying to focas on a list of things to do right now while I am at work......it is hard.........i stopped calling her about 20 minutes ago.

 

I'm looking at this and wondering why you are calling HER. She has no loyalty to you, your BOYFRIEND should be the one you are calling on this. Say you call this woman and let her know that you are seeing the guy she's been flirting with/seeing. What do you think will happen? She may not care about you and choose to see him anyway, or she may feel bad and leave him be, and he'll just go seeking another women. The problem is with HIM, not her. HE'S supposed to be faithful to you... but he's basically told you he does not want to be... how much obvious does it need to be to you???

 

I can only see this as:

He does not want to see only you. He wants to be able to sleep with other women. He has done so in the past, and there are some pretty clear signs that it's still going on.

 

You are unhappy with this arrangement. You want a bf who is faithful to you and you do not want to share... to do so kills your self esteem, crushes your heart and destroys your soul.

 

There are red flags left and right that he's still up to his old tricks, he's already proved he won't be faithful, and yet you still stay with him

 

His actions show he's cheating and does not care that he is destroying you.

 

Your actions (staying with him) show that you accept this and are willing to share and don't want to confront him or leave so you will continue to put up with his cheating and verbally abusive ways.

 

I'm sorry if these words are harsh and seem mean to you. I don't want to hurt you any more than you are already hurting.

 

Someone else posted that you need a wake up shake.... and I think so too.

 

 

((SHAKE, SHAKE))

 

Wake up, Sad_moop!! You are doing this to yourself by staying with him!

[Hope75]

am obssessing about this woman.....I must of called her 12 times today and tonight......I am wondering where he is.....I feel sick.....I have to say that it has been like this for a long time..........especially since two years ago after I found out about the first two affairs.

 

I wonder how much more obvious a wake up call you need until you will stop tolorating this and leave him.

 

How you honestly think chasing after this woman will change anything.

 

How you can do this to yourself.

[Sadmoop]

None of it makes sense..........just me being obsessive.....me being in an inbetween place........i know i know..........horrible, horrible.......

 

i know its him..........of course the last two knew..........eventually!

 

I have this fantasy about quitting my job soon......taking off for a month or two........travel.......see things...........whatever.........then return fresh to paint.........

 

it could or could not happen.......depends on court case......

 

i want out for a while.....i am in a rut......thats it.....I know you can keep giving me wake up calls.....I know I know......... * * * * i know......but, I am where I am.........i cannot help that until I help that!

 

I am caught in a trap.....no turning back....because I love you too much babeeeeeeeeeeee o o oo o oooooo oo o !!

We can't go on together with suspious minds..........susssssssssssss spicccious minds !!!!!

 

Elvis song I think......

 

heh heh

[Hope75]

I am caught in a trap.....no turning back....because I love you too much babeeeeeeeeeeee o o oo o oooooo oo o !!

 

You are doing this to yourself.

 

You are not caught in a trap- you are not helpless.

 

You have the option to walk away if you wanted to. You are remaining a victim because you choose to.

 

When will you love yourself enough to demand some respect and leave him?

[Sadmoop]

Do you think that a boyfriend should make you feel this badly?

 

No, but I believe with some types of people it comes with the terrority.

 

Do you think that a relationship should cause this much pain?

 

I think relationships are painful to people who have had a difficult relationship from the beginning with two emtional insecure people.

 

Do you feel that this relationship is healthy, loving and respectful, knowing that he told you he wanted to sleep with other women and has cheated on you in the past?

 

Of course it is terribly unhealthy but, again I do not see things as balck and white......never have.

 

Are you being fair and true to yourself by staying with someone who treats you so poorly?

 

This I can answer directly and honestly no........in no aspect of my life is this helping.......

[Sadmoop]

Do you think that a boyfriend should make you feel this badly?

 

No, but I believe with some types of people it comes with the terrority.....I also believe that love is actually a painful process.

 

Do you think that a relationship should cause this much pain?

 

I think relationships are painful to people who have had a difficult relationship from the beginning with two emtional insecure people.

 

Do you feel that this relationship is healthy, loving and respectful, knowing that he told you he wanted to sleep with other women and has cheated on you in the past?

 

Of course it is terribly unhealthy but, again I do not see things as balck and white......never have.

 

Are you being fair and true to yourself by staying with someone who treats you so poorly?

 

This I can answer directly and honestly no........in no aspect of my life is this helping.......

[evy38]

First, either call this woman and talk to her or stop calling her altogether. My preference is to stop, but do one or the other. You know, s*** or get off the pot. You say you can't handle the confrontation, right now, yet this constant calling is whipping you to a fever pitch that is guranteed to make you explode. You have the off switch.......use it.

As far as confronting him, I wouldn't even bother with that. You both know, deep in your gut, what is going on. Just end it quietly, for yourself. You owe him nothing, certainly not a reason. He's cheated on you, told you he's going to do it again and is now trolling. You know you need to end this and you won't feel any better about it next week or month or year. Instead you'll do more drinking, pill popping and screaming. I want you to visualize yourself on your kness, on the floor, in front of him, holding unto his legs and begging him not to leave you. Now, see your best friend doing the same thing with her man. Are you appalled? Good. You should be. Feel for yourself, what you would feel for her, what I would feel for you, if you went there. You'll just feel stupid for waiting longer, and you'll have to get over THAT too.

Life isn't black and white, but this relationship has become so. You are the light of truth and he is the dark of deciet.

Love is compromise, but not pain. If it's pain somebody isn't doing it right. Don't confuse drama with love. Love cannot survive, where it isn't tended.

[Hope75]

I'm glad you answered the questions, not for me, but for you.

 

I wonder if thinking about those questions made things a little clearer for you.

 

Knowing that this relationship is unhealthy and destroying you physically, emotionally and mentally, what do you think is the best thing for you to do? For yourself, for your mind, body and soul?

[Sadmoop]

i know i know........

 

I have called him tonight..............it goes on with my paranoia.......it just goes on.................i could not just leave it where it was this afternoon........him inviting me somewhere.........thinking about it.....I had to call when I saw he did not check his boards when he said he was going home........he was sleeping......told me to relax........said he was sleeping and he will see me later......after he has done some work..........

 

i feel awful.

 

I have not done anything I was suppose to do.....I am going to try soon......or maybe just keave it for another day.....maybe tonight I need this board more than ever..........I mean I remember last week when things were bad I could not really discuss anything.........now i am using it tonight.....because I feel bad........lonely and worst of all .........at my lowest with this * * * *ing man.

[evy38]

I hope you can get away, for a while. Beaches and sea breezes would be nice. Lots of rest and constant pampering. Even if you don't manage to get away, try to pamper yourself, once at least, everyday. Spend a little more money, when you can, a little less, when you can't. OMG, I just thought of something. Will this court case net you money, possibly?

[Sadmoop]

that is a very nice suggestion......thank you.for now i am trying to work out for at least 45 mins get a sauna and just sit by a pool and try and read one page of a comic...........its hard,......I can't read......but, the work out is good.....i work out so hard I do not think.....(well, almost).

I could get a nice settlement and I think that will change how I see things.....if it happens......

[evy38]

that is a very nice suggestion......thank you.for now i am trying to work out for at least 45 mins get a sauna and just sit by a pool and try and read one page of a comic...........its hard,......I can't read......but, the work out is good.....i work out so hard I do not think.....(well, almost).

I could get a nice settlement and I think that will change how I see things.....if it happens......

 

Does he know you could get a nice settlement? Oh course he does. This picture is getting darker, by the minute...............

[Hope75]

Girl I only wish you could see how bad this man and this relationship is for you and how you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for.

 

You won't be able to see that until you stop allowing this loser to treat you like you are a piece of trash.

[Sadmoop]

he is not interested in my stuff......on that level......he is self sufficient......trust me on that.......it is not his way.......we have been together for five years....I have always had more money than him......it has always been like that....of course there has been a couple of months here or there where I was in a bad situation.............

 

he has never asked me for anything.....

[evy38]

he is not interested in my stuff......on that level......he is self sufficient......trust me on that.......it is not his way.......we have been together for five years....I have always had more money than him......it has always been like that....of course there has been a couple of months here or there where I was in a bad situation.............

 

he has never asked me for anything.....

Good, let's keep it that way.

[Sadmoop]

although he never does.....coz I always pay for nice things........always.......he pays for his trips to Montreau........records and booze...........oh yeah and apparently one glass for christmas.........

[evy38]

although he never does.....coz I always pay for nice things........always.......he pays for his trips to Montreau........records and booze...........oh yeah and apparently one glass for christmas.........

We need to add "cheapskate" to his list of bad qualities. Make me a list, I want to know every single one, of them. Then we'll throw cyber tomatoes at him. It will make us feel better. :splat:

[evy38]

What the heck, why wait.

 

O

l

/\

 

Man/Boy

 

 

I feel better. lol

[Mun]

How did you meet him? Who asked who out? sorry, I'm just curious...

 

It's a shame that you don't take more control of your happiness. He is not everything you know. He is breaking down your soul and you are just letting him...not even putting up a finger to stop it. Do you remember the last time you were a strong woman? Do you remember how that felt? To be in control of your future, to be happy, to say " to hell with it" when a relationship was making you miserable....

Pick your dignity up off the floor and take your life back...he is not the end and be all of your life. You must have been someone before he ever entered your life...you should not make him all of your life now.

 

I'll have you know that I don't tell someone to leave unless I see that it's a relationship that is bad for their health. This one is killing you, you've said as much. You may not like the message, but that is the one you are going to get from strangers who care that you don't lose your sanity....

 

You have to love yourself more. Only then will you see what the rest of us see....he is no good for you, he's already cheated on you twice before, he KNOWS how much it hurts you and he still has the nerve to tell you to your face that he wants to have sex with other women...

This is a man that has no respect, you've been wayyy to nice.

 

You deserve better, if only you would believe that.......

[Sadmoop]

hello

 

Oh I see what you mean that it can get worse........I am on his computer............and I find that he has looked at outcall gilrs on the erotic services for incalls...............now I know this man is a computer, nerd vouyer............but, now you can imagine where I am..................I am calm.........i do not hink he is the type to pay for sex and go to some dodgy place for sex.............i think it is titilalion.............for now I am going to use condoms.........I am still thinking ..........my first night off.......I have make three pieces of art tonight......

 

I am not 100% convined...............

Because I know the sites he looks at...........I have seen it for years.........profiles on link removed...............it goes on and on and on.........

 

But, let me tell you something.................so you don't think I am a complete loser............I am * * * *ing thinking................maybe I need to think a little more...........I need to get through this week...........I have to..........too much to risk than to crash right now................

 

all I can say is that I am so * * * *ing worried.........

 

so worried..........

 

so * * * *ing thinking...............

 

I iwll not drink.........if it is the last thing I do.........I iwll not do that.........i will not confront him either................I spy alot and this is the first time I have seen this. I know he has issues.........I am tired..........i am going for now to make art.................

[Sadmoop]

I am not sure if this will make any sense to anyone out there............but, I hope it does..........

 

I am waiting.for the right time..................for me this is not crazy.........I feel I have to be really strong to let this go and tell him to his face why............or even not say anything..............right now I am weak..........very weak........I need to work all this out in my mind.........i am feeling so very low........I need to get through this month......it is important..............it has been a long time I have put up with stuff.......and now things are unravelling right before my eyes.......

 

if I start down that path now.............I iwll not be able to cope.....

 

So if this makes any sense.......I am waiting until I feel alittle strong..........and I am working on that.......I am letting this all sink in.............and I am waiting until everything in my life is secure........my job, the court case and everything............if I start to let go now I iwll collapse and I am scared.......I know myself............i know when I am strong..I am not strong right now........

 

i read the loser article posted by dark blue............alot of getting out of the realationship is planning..........working it out for your get out............when I get out I will take time off and go away......that is my first plan..........right now I cannot do that.

 

I am not strong enough to say .i have had enough........not this week..............yes I know the damage this is causing but, I can take alot .............I have already................

 

do this make sense.....because when I walk away...........i want to feel every last bit of pain he has given me and not crumble................

 

my goals are to get through my work and this case and to find myself hopefully soon.......to say get the * * * * away from me...............and never LOOK BACK

 

please tell me I am doing the right thing........please tell me that I am not a sucker again...........i have been through this............for 5 years. This is not new .............I need to be ready..............ready.

 

Does anyone undertsand and can help me with this....

 

So far I have eatten, not drank and work out religiously for 4 days.........I need to build myself up for the final get the * * * * away from me............you * * * * * * * * * * * *

[evy38]

Well, you're at least sounding like you are really considering leaving him, which is a little progress. I think, if you want to really get strong though, you need to stop focusing on what he is doing now......you know it's no good. You need to focus on all he's already done and why you would be better off without him. On how much happier and stronger you'd be without the stress of his bull****, in your life.

And stop sleeping, with him, girl! Why put yourself in that kind of danger? Besides, you're mad at him, remember? He needs to know that.

I'm still waiting on that list, you know.

[Hope75]

Hey Girl,

 

I too am glad that you are beginning to think that you don't deserve to be treated this way.

 

I can understand that you need to do what is right for YOU... and in your time frame.

 

Something I wonder about, (because I know myself and how I would react) is how you feel you will be able to build up strength as long as you let him keep doing this to you and destroying every fragment of self esteem that you have.

 

I know for myself when I left my ex who broke me down like this, I sort of had this little epiphany.... I still felt weak, but I knew that if I let him break me down for one more second.... there would be nothing left.

 

You sound like you are reaching a point where you are very broken down too... I wonder how you plan to build that up as long as you are in pain every day and afraid every day and chasing him and spying on him and not trusting him because he cheats and hurts you.

 

Can you tell me how you plan to do that?

[Sadmoop]

can't remember what list that is.........just found out that my job is probably over in a week..............nothing to do with my performance..........anyway I am off to therapy...............I am so feeling it.I am now horribly paranoid as I have some kind of something on my lip.................I never never get things on my lip.....................

 

of course I know I can be outrageously paranoid.............I guess this is expected with everything else going on...........So far I have ignored him all day............and honestly not missed him or panicked............I just feel deeply betrayed and disgusted.........

[Sadmoop]

I am very broke down..............but, I think I have sold four little paintings in a show I have right now.................so you know what...........I feel a little better............I am thinking very much,,,,,,,,,,,,I spoke to a good friend...........she told me to * * * *ING USE CONDOMS............am I crazy.....so.........that is that..............condoms..........I am a little disgusted to even touch him today..........

 

anyway...........I feel everything come at me at once..............I am pulling it together.I * * * *ING HAVE TOO

 

Can you imagine all the things I am dealing with.........I feel like I am on a time bomb...I hope I explode in a good way,......