Need some friendly advice

[starfish]

This is my first time posting on this site - so hello everyone.

 

Until two weeks ago I had a bf. Then a few days ago he said that he had met someone else, about three weeks ago, and he wanted us to take a break (with the option of dating someone else). We had been dating for 2-1/2 years and we had talked about marriage. Well, he was the one that insisted I bring it up with my family initially. But after I did that, he changed somehow. It went from "You are the one I want to be with" to "I am too young and I need to be able to see other people..there are too many differences between us etc etc."

What bothers me is that he had thought this out for three weeks now. Last week he was all lovey dovey and acted like nothing was wrong. We didn't even have a fight. And now this. I am not sure how to react. I am not angry, I haven't cried about it. I didn't argue with him after he said he wanted a break, because he was being defensive and a big bully. I had planned to spend New Years with him, but now it seems that that was never his intention. Why would someone go to such extents to deceive someone that they "supposedly" loved?

[WildChild]

Hi starfish!

 

I am a little confused and if you could clarify, that would be great He told you two weeks ago that he wanted to take a break with the options to date others, and that two days ago he said he met someone else three weeks ago? Is that correct?

[starfish]

Hi WildChild.

Sorry I wasn't clear enough. He met someone three weeks ago and basically was planning a break up ever since. But we talked regularly on the phone and via email every day since and he didn't say anything. I spent all of last week including Christmas with him and there was no indication that anything was wrong. The day after Christmas he told me he wanted a break (but the point is that he had known that all along, only he had been pretending to be in love with me ever since he had met this other woman). When I asked him if it was a break or a break-up, he shrugged and said that there wasn't really a difference.

[JynX]

 

Well, he was the one that insisted I bring it up with my family initially. But after I did that, he changed somehow. It went from "You are the one I want to be with" to "I am too young and I need to be able to see other people..there are too many differences between us etc etc."

 

This sounds like he's realized he's scared of the potential commitment and now wants to see other people to be sure it's the rigth choice. Maybe he needs to go off and date someone else, to prove to himself you are what he wants. People react differently to the thought of marriage, some are overjoyed, and others get cold feet and run off. It sounds like he chose option B. Maybe all he needs is some time away from you to sort though his feelings, or maybe he's just not ready to make the commitment. Did you talk to him about it, get his side of the story and how he feels about things?

[starfish]

It's actually quite strange. He used to talk about kids all the time - wanting kids, how many kids, what names, and so on. Until, a month or so ago, I asked him to please stop talking about kids, not because I didn't want any, but because I was getting weirded out. It seems logical to me to be married before having kids, but I don't think he got that logic - he never talked about marriage. The only reason he did was because I told him that we couldn't have kids unless we were married. After I asked him to stop talking about kids, he did. But when he broke up with me, he told me that he had been hurt when I asked him to stop talking about kids. Does anyone else find this weird? Or is this just another pathetic excuse from another pathetic ex?

[WildChild]

Maybe when you said to stop talking about kids, it led him to believe you didn't want children. He may have decided then that you had different outlooks of what you wanted in life. What are your ages?

[darkblue]

The 'differences' that he spoke about may have been your ideas of the future.

You didn't seem to want children out of wedlock - and he didn't mention marriage, and focused on the children.

 

I'm under the illusion that you aren't taking this badly - but you are posting for advice.

Do you even want to get back with him?

You do refer to him as a 'pathetic ex' with 'pathetic excuses'...

 

P.S - welcome to enotalone!

[newts]

Hmm... seems weird. Maybe he thinks you both want different things because of the kid factor. You both need to sit down and have a good talk about what you both want.

[lovecrazy]

Sounds like to me you could do better than this guy.

 

if he gets a hissy fit over you not wanting to talk about kids, then what does he do if you have a real right.

 

I am sorry you are in pain, it happens to the best of us.

 

Maybe try NC for a while.

 

I wouldnt spend New Years Eve with him. Show him that you dont need him to be happy.

[starfish]

Thank you all for your responses. They definitely give me perspective. Also, I guess, I was feeling a little alone and down and wanted an outlet for my feelings.

 

In response to all your questions: when I asked him not to talk about kids, I said that I did want kids, but he just seemed obsessed with the idea and that was what was freaking me out. I love kids and he knew that, so I think it's a poor excuse for a break up.

 

I am not taking it too badly because its been a long two and half years where I have been bullied and pushed around too much. The reason for this breakup is because I refused to cave in to the additional demands that he kept imposing, especially when it became apparent to both of us that we couldn't keep going unless we were talking marriage.

Another thing that came up, which kind of turned me off from him was that he finally revealed to me (as he was breaking up with me) why he had broken up with his ex (his gf before me that is). Apparently he had cheated on her. They had been together for three years and all same big questions about marriage had come up and so he took the easy route and cheated on her. The funny thing is that throughout our relationship he kept insisting that I needed to trust him and that he would never cheat on me. I did trust him and now I feel like I was lied to.

 

So yes, you are right to say that I am not taking this too badly.

 

Winschica, thanks for your post. I can find someone better. I just wish that I hadn't invested so much of my time in this person.

[darkblue]

Good for you.

You have realised that you deserve better than this.

 

What action are you going to take, now?

[starfish]

Enjoy my freedom! Life's young - there's just too much to do and see...I lost touch with many friends over the past 2+ years due to this man. Fortunately for me, they are still my friends. I am going to enjoy spending time with them. I am in no rush to see anyone right now.

[darkblue]

Fantastic

You have an admirable perspective on life.

[starfish]

Thanks darkblue! I try

[starfish]

Small update....

Well, I was doing well until New Year's when the ex calls to wish me Happy New Year. I didn't pick up because I just didn't want to talk to him and I didn't want to call back either. He called again tonight and I picked up because it was a little annoying. He asked me if I was ever going to call back and that he was worried about me. I didn't talk much, just said I was fine. So when he figured that I wasn't interested in talking he said ok bye and then please call some time.

Why should I call him? He broke up with me after 2 1/2 years because he wanted to chase after someone else. And very honestly I just don't care about him anymore. He lied and treated me horribly and pretty much ripped out any feelings that I might have had for him. I just don't care about him. What should I do?

[darkblue]

Why should I call him? He broke up with me after 2 1/2 years because he wanted to chase after someone else. And very honestly I just don't care about him anymore. He lied and treated me horribly and pretty much ripped out any feelings that I might have had for him

Exactly!

You don't have to do anything.

He lost the right to have you as a partner, friend, confidante, etc when he did all those things to you.

[starfish]

Just wanted to say to all of you out there that this NC thing does really work. It's been 12 days since I last talked to my ex (he called me). I haven't called him or emailed him or tried to contact him in 20 days (since we broke up). Truth is I haven't felt the need to. I have thrown out almost everything he gave me, deleted all his emails, pictures and even his phone number and it really wasn't hard! I guess I really didn't want to be with this guy, so it's no big deal. I think NC is the only relationship I want with him ever.

I can understand how it would be difficult for those holding on to hope and wanting to be back with their exes. But be strong, stay on the NC. Even when you are down and feeling low, talk to other friends or family for strength. Someone that didn't think twice about hurting you now, will most probably do it again, and you certainly don't want that someone to be your confidante.

[darkblue]

That's great, starfish.

I'm glad it is going well.

Keep it up