Gf always dumps me...

[SadHatter]

Hi guys,

 

Firstly - Merry Xmas and I wish a really wonderful and happy New Year to everyone!

 

OK, here's the deal...

 

My girlfriend of 10 months CONSTANTLY dumps me...pretty much every single argument we have I get dumped! It then goes on for 2/3 days, stupid games are played, i.e. not answering the phone etc. until she either apologises and promises it will never happen again, or I just apologise because I love her and miss her, sometimes even when I don't feel I was in the wrong.

 

I am six years older than my girlfriend, not sure if that matters, I wouldn't say I am the most mature person in the World, but I can be very sensible and grown up when I need to be. I wouldn't say I am immature immature, but just like to have a laugh and be bubbly.

 

Anyway, today we argued this morning, about trivialities, and she gets in a strop...I am falling out of love with you bla bla bla...same old same old...I said OK then and why is that...she said fed up of the way you treat me...even though everyone I know, including her friends, thinks I treat her really well! In fact, a couple of my mates' girlfriends have said she's really lucky to have me and they wished their bf's were more like me! So I said to her...here we go again, dump me then and she said Oh I already have don't worry about that and then proceeded to storm out of the house! I'm thinking...here we go again and Merry Xmas to you too! Especially at this time of year - you just don't need this do you?! I spent soooooo much money on her for Xmas, got myself in debt and my parents spent a lot on her too - she's been staying at mine the past two nights! I just can't believe the ungratefulness!

 

Why does she dump me every time there's a slight argument? And she seems to be totally fine for up to 3/4 weeks and then this starts again, every time without fail...and she's convinced it is me and not her and that I treat her bad!

[PocoDiablo]

I had a GF like that. After the 9th time I realized something was wrong and told her to take a hike when she came crawling back.

 

Why does she do that? Well, because you're acting like a doormat and letting her walk all over you. She's lost respect for you so she treats you like that, in my opinion. And it makes sense to me - you're not standing up for yourself.

 

I'd kick her to the curb and tell her "Goodbye!" at this point in my life.

 

Then I would point out that it's probably not that you treat her bad, it's more likely that you treat her TOO good. If you do everything she wants and try to avoid problems that gets boring. You've got to stand up for yourself and make her treat you good sometimes too. If she wants to get back with you, tell her something like "Oh, no, it's not going to be that easy this time. You need to prove to me that you are worthy of getting back with me." Then make her do something just for YOU and let her know she is on probabtion. If you do get back together with her, let her know that you're done playing her little game, and you'll decide how things go from here. If she slips up, she loses a point. If she loses too many points, tell her that you're going to end things permanently.

 

I bet she gets upset, but changes - if she likes you.

[Danny H]

She seems to have control issues, you need to be firm and she needs to go away and change her behaviour.

 

She probably goes away and clams down and maybe even regret what she has done, but doesn't feel in the wrong. If that makes any sense

 

Best

Dan

[theantibarbie23]

Tell her if it happens again, it's over for good. Do you really want to spend another ten months or ten YEARS playing these childish games with her?

 

It sounds as though she hasn't matured enough emotionally to be able to handle a serious relationship. This is the type of thing you do at sixteen and hopefully she'll grow out of it someday but, I personally wouldn't be hanging around until then...

[IntrepidFox]

i wouldn't take her back (this time)...let her wallow in the misery of the bed she made...let her know what it is like for her games to backfire and leaving her in emotional limbo (i know it seems like a game....but sometimes they must be employed)...as the others said, you need to stop being a punk and letting her walk all over you...(i wouldn't be surprised if she had something on the side). Unless there is more to the story, like kids or something...i would just drop her * * * * and move on, or even better, date one of her friends.

[RayKay]

She does it because she is immature, and wants to exert control over you. It is not normal, healthy relationship behaviour. It trivializes the value of relationships - of communication, partnership, conflict resolution. It sounds like she does it to get her way, or to absolve herself of the blame in some way. She is emotionally immature. This is proved even more by her belief the problem is all in YOU, and not with her at all.

 

Over time, it just continues to destroy the foundation of the relationship. Part of a healthy relationship is feeling you can trust your partner, feel safe and secure within the confines of that relationship, feel free to express whom you are, to be your own person. How can that be done when you live in fear of wondering when the next break up will be?

 

She does not have much respect for you...she may come crawling back and say sorry, but she does not really regret doing it. Why should she when in the end it still works out to her benefit?

 

I would NOT take her back. These on and off again relationships are not healthy for you, you are currently existing on the lows, just to reach the highs, but this is not normal. A healthy relationship does not have you breaking up everytime there is a disagreement.

 

Stand up for yourself - you don't deserve this.

 

You say she is 6 years younger, well, to me it sounds like it is her emotional maturity and respect level that is the problem more then her age.

[SadHatter]

Well, things have gone from bad to worse - although in a way I feel relieved at tonight's affairs.

 

Well following this morning's debacle and subsequent postings on here, I wasn't really in a good mood anyway and was considering finishing this whole thing...and then tonight she rings me and asks me if I would like to go out for a drink and a meal with her and a couple of my friends (my best friend and his girlfriend) so I agree although I am going to talk to her about things at the end of the night...these are friends of mine who don't really like her and always tell me I could do better.

 

So, we go for a pre-meal drink and just before my girlfriend arrives, I am with my best friend and his girlfriend. My best friend's girlfriend has just started a job with my girlfriend's cousin, and she says to me, "I was speaking to your girlfriend's cousin today at work and she said she heard you're a right w****r, so I put her straight about that!" Well, I couldn't believe it. For the last ten months, there have been incident's where my gf has rung me or I have rung her and her mates have shouted at me down the phone and called me all sorts and when I've asked her what the heck is going on, she's said they're just saying the truth. I say no, they're saying things that YOU have told them and it annoys me so much because I think why is she turning her friends and family (cousin) against me? Doesn't she want them to like me?

 

So, I am now annoyed and we're onto the pre-meal drink. I go to the toilet and I am gone about 5 minutes...I come back to the table and my best mate says...where were you?! I said I saw an old friend...he laughs and says you haven't got any friends...but I know he is joking as best friends do..all tongue in cheek...we always take the mickey out of each other like that...she turns around, laughs and says...see he realises what I say...you have no mates - this is something she always jokes about and we've argued a lot over - she is really spiteful and says I have no friends even though I have a good few and they're what I consider true friends. I said at your age I had so many friends - people change as they get older - go to uni, get gf's, have jobs etc - you'll see when you reach my age.

 

I basically now am very annoyed and she starts acting very arrogant..."Oh right...yeah whatever" etc. I said "I am sorry to embarrass everyone, I really don't mean to...I've only had a pint so it isn't like I am drunk...I've just had enough...enough of you putting me down, of you saying I am useless, of your friends saying I am a w****r and a c**t - because of things YOU tell them - turning everyone against me, God knows why."

 

I said - I'm sticking up for myself and she said, being very arrogant - "About time" and I really got annoyed now and said, "About time? Who the f**k do you think you are?" and she said..."*her name*" and I said, "Yep that is just about the kind of response I would expect from you...when you're grown up enough for an adult relationship, you'll realise what you had with me...now I am going for a beer with my friends, bye" and she just said, "Whatever" and walked out of the pub.

 

My two friends were really pleased and said they were so proud of me and at last I had stuck up for myself. Earlier today my dad said he was disgusted for saying it but for the first time in his life he was ashamed of me and that hurt me so much...he said he was ashamed that I let a stupid girl, who is 6 years younger and still a teenager, mess me around.

 

So I haven't heard from her for the rest of the night...it has been about 2/3 hours now...was I right? Am I a w****r? Maybe sometimes I am - isn't everyone - but tonight I realised I'd rather have no girlfriend and no friends (as she says) than someone who treats me like s**t just for the sake of saying I have a girlfriend and not being alone!

[RayKay]

Let me ease your worries. You did the right thing. The process might not have been ideal (in the bar) but the ultimate result (standing up for yourself and leaving her!) was the right ending and the right decision.

 

I am not sure how old you are, but in addition to her having some lessons to learn, I hope from this you also learn your own....maybe one of them being that this was not healthy, or loving. Partnership is what you want, not this control and abusiveness on her part. Any partner that puts you down is not respectful, loving or very caring or deserving of YOUR love.

[theantibarbie23]

"Yep that is just about the kind of response I would expect from you...when you're grown up enough for an adult relationship, you'll realise what you had with me...now I am going for a beer with my friends, bye" and she just said, "Whatever" and walked out of the pub.

 

So I haven't heard from her for the rest of the night...it has been about 2/3 hours now...was I right?

 

She sounds like a total headcase. My god, I don't know how you could deal with that behavior for as long as you did.

 

Yes, you did the right thing. Next time, find a person whom treats you with the respect and consideration you deserve!

 

Be strong. DON'T call her and above all else do NOT take her vicious little immature butt back! You can do sooo much better than someone with that much emotional baggage.

[SadHatter]

I went through a hard time with my ex-girlfriend...we were together for three years and she dumped me for her boss from work (she was 18, he was 32!). My dad said he's so ashamed of me because he was so proud of me for getting through that and for coming out of it with my head held high and with dignity - and now I am letting this girl who is 6 years younger walk all over me.

 

For Xmas I got her...about 10 dvd's, a £60 necklace, two computer games, a top, a belt...loads of little things too, cost me an arm and a leg...that was without her little brothers and sisters and her parents...does she care? I think not. My dad even said earlier today he had a bet with my mum how long it would take before she started arguing with me again now Xmas has gone...he said today and my mum said tomorrow...he said he is ashamed of me and disgusted that it has happened again as he predicted.

[PocoDiablo]

Sounds like your dad needs to lose a bet.

 

Standing ovation for walking out on the GF. I think you were a little rough around the edges (i.e., you could have been a little more ... calm ... about it) but the end results were great.

[SadHatter]

Thanks mate, I kinda feel guilty for the way and the place in which it happened...but it had built up for so long...

 

No doubt I will be called all sorts by her friends and maybe even her family...oh well - if they can't see what she's like...or maybe she hides it - who knows. Not my problem anymore

[PocoDiablo]

You know, even when they are calling you names they cannot deny that you were strong enough to make a good decision - even if the execution was not perfect. I think you did good.

 

Now is the time to start thinking about what to avoid in your next GF.

[Danny H]

well done sad hatter, your girlfriend and her mates sound a right bunch!!

 

To be disrespected by your gfs mates ( while your gf is there) is either very childish, or very nasty, either of which you can do without.

 

Keep your head up for all of us.

 

best

 

dan

[SadHatter]

Well it's been two days now since we broke up...

 

I received a call from her today - this morning - asking me to meet her to collect some things of mine that she had and so I could also get some money she owed me.

 

So I met her, got the stuff, was only there for about 20 seconds, she just gave me the stuff and said, "Thanks...see you later" and off she went.

 

I have to admit I am pretty surprised I haven't heard anything else from her. Usually by now she's ringing/texting me saying she misses me etc. Maybe this time she actually thinks it should be left and wants to leave it. Who knows? Tomorrow night will be strange though, New Years Eve and we'd planned to go out together - I still plan on going to the pub we were going to. Will be weird with her not being there and knowing she's out somewhere probably pulling people maybe doing even more!

[Danny H]

I still plan on going to the pub we were going to. Will be weird with her not being there and knowing she's out somewhere probably pulling people maybe doing even more!

 

New years eve is a particularly hard time to be alone what with all the contemplation etc

 

Sadhatter keep your head up, who knows what she is doing.

Everytime she enters your head tonight Kick her out, do that for yourself, there are only so many new years eves in all of our lives.

 

Just go and try and have fun, but beware of the drunken dial scenario.

 

Best

 

Dan