How to deal with things that just annoy me...

[SALLY_ANNE]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for just over seven months now and I am still having troubles accepting the character of some of the people he likes to hang out with. He belongs to a car club which is fine because thats his passion. I just don't like some of the people that are in the same club and that he subsequently spends time with or talks to a lot. They speak filth all the time. They have no morals. They are constantly doing things that I would never want my boyfriend associated with and I just don't like the fact that they have so many qualities that I really can't stand yet my boyfriend still involves himself with them. I don't want to stop him from his passion of cars but I don't like him interacting with some of these gutter-mouth people. What do I do??? I have spoken to my boyfriend regarding their behaviour and all he says is that they aren't really like that and they are ust playing it up a little or that he can't do anything to stop their behaiour. I don't want him associating with these people? Where can I go from here?

[Tigris]

You are either going to have to accept that he likes talking to these people or you are going to have to decide whether you want to finish the relationship!

 

It's upto him to decide who he wants to be friendly towards.

[DN]

What is important is if he behaves like that. If he does not then don't let it bother you how other people are. You can't insulate him from the world and the people in it that you don't like.

 

Be careful that you don't try to control how he runs his life for that will cause many problems in your relationship - or even end it.

[SALLY_ANNE]

That's just the point. I don't want to end the relationship at all because I love him dearly but I don't want to have to accept these people being in his life either. I think I'm in a lose lose situation.

[SALLY_ANNE]

What is important is if he behaves like that. If he does not then don't let it bother you how other people are. You can't insulate him from the world and the people in it that you don't like.

 

Be careful that you don't try to control how he runs his life for that will cause many problems in your relationship - or even end it.

 

 

 

 

Normally he doesn't behave like that but his behaviour tends to slip a little when he is around these people and that's what I really don't like. It's bad enough knowing they aer like that but it's worse to see that it affects him also.

[DN]

The words that you use concern me a little. "His behaviour tends to slip a little" is the sort of thing a mother would say of her child. I know you don't like his friends but you are giving me the impression that you somehow feel you have a right to veto who he sees and set a standard for his behaviour, even if it does not affect you directly. That may be necessary if he is doing drugs, or something like that but not otherwise.

 

Be careful here that you don't become like his mother - no normal man wants to date his mother.

[SALLY_ANNE]

The words that you use concern me a little. "His behaviour tends to slip a little" is the sort of thing a mother would say of her child. I know you don't like his friends but you are giving me the impression that you somehow feel you have a right to veto who he sees and set a standard for his behaviour, even if it does not affect you directly. That may be necessary if he is doing drugs, or something like that but not otherwise.

 

Be careful here that you don't become like his mother - no normal man wants to date his mother.

 

 

Of course it affects me directly. If he slips into a persona that is not the person I am attracted to and have strong feelings for then of course it affects me. I'm not trying to mother him. But his behaviour does reflect on me. If he is there with "these people" and they are talking filth and acting in a manner that I don't approve of then it says to them- hey he's getting involved in this too so she musn't care or I don't know what type of girl they must think I am with some of the stuff they go on about. For instance if they are sitting there talking about going on strip club crawls and he says yeah sounds like a good idea that reflects badly on me even if he doesn't follow through and actually go to the strip club. Likewise if the two skanky girls that are there start talking about touching themselves and touching each other and other such thigns in graphic detail as they often do and if he reacts at all then that reflects on me. Any of this type of behaviour reflects back on me, what type of person I am and what I am willing to accept. I don't want to look like I am comfortable with any of these things or comfortable with him being involved in any of these things...get my point?

[DN]

Yep - but don't agree with it. However, it is what you think that matters. And as Tigris said, maybe you should consider if this is the right guy for you. By the sounds of it he is not unless he is willing to change who he is to become the person that you want.

[SALLY_ANNE]

hmmm....not sure that you've been much help but thanks for trying.

[DN]

You seem to want someone to tell you how to change him. Perhaps someone else will be willing or able to tell you how to accomplish that.