Afterwards.............

[Gracelove]

Sometimes I wonder why life seems so cruel....

I've been sitting around feeling down and worried. I don't feel happy anymore.

The last 2yrs. of my life have been pretty much like hell. I've had people in my life who have been really angry people. People who are mean, petty, spiteful, etc. The experiences that I've had with these people have completely clouded my life.

My self-esteem has dropped. I'm so afraid of stepping out because I'm afraid I'll fall on my face.

Out of all the days there have been over the past 2 yrs. the only things I seem to remember are the bad times with those people. Every other good thing that may have happened in my life, is pretty much forgotten.

I know life's experiences are meant to make us stronger, but I feel like they have just sucked away all hope.

I feel hopeless. I don't feel I have anything to look forward to.

I always try to be optimistic, but I feel like I've been swimming in false peace.

I feel stuck.

People have many nice things to say about me, and I don't know if that makes things harder.

I guess because I don't believe in what they claim to see. I wish I could feel the same way about me that they do.

I feel soooo unhappy. I feel stuck.

People ask me questions and I feel as if I don't know the answers.

Sometimes I just wish they would stop asking.

I miss the happy times. I really miss being happy.

I used to believe that happiness came from within. However, now, I feel emptiness within, so where is the happiness to come from now?

[romantic sweetheart]

You post sounds like a portion of my own mind and heart---I know exactly how you are feeling..exactly. Like you, the past few years of my life have seemed so difficult, especially this past year. Anger can shatter lives.

 

I, too, long for happier days, and often wonder how I can achieve a sense of peace. Tihs battle is long, uphill, and oftentimes, seemingly alone.

 

I also feel scared about things. I feel scared to go outside, scared to go to a store, scared to talk to people. And I don't know how to stop the fear. When someone says kind things to me, I am just like you...I wonder how they see what they see.

 

The world tricks us into hating who we are..or fearing who we are...But we are born so innocent and pure, with no apologies for our feelings and desires. Somehow, we have to get back to that innocent state, and feel free to exist in this world as the unique souls that we are.

 

Yor question is: where can happiness come from now? We look back to times when we felt more content and wonder how to achieve that feeling again.

 

The answer is hard: happiness is an internal state, so must come from an internal source. Wouldn't it be easier if happiness could be consistantly created by outside events? But the outside world doesn't always provide us with the joy we crave.....Somehow, built into our very souls, is a source of peace that is more powerful than we think.

 

The task is to tap into that source, hidden away but years of sorrow or fear.

 

I have been working on positive statements about myself that I say in the present tense, such as "I am happy with who I am . I give myself unconditional positive regard. I look younger than I did three years ago. I feel healthy and rested. " etc. etc.

 

Most of the time, the mind resists these thoughts, but the trick is to convince oursleves these things are true.

 

When I see someone on the street, I smile to them, even if I feel afraid. When I look in the mirror, I also try to smile and feel something positive..I try to turn off the negative thoughts as best I can.

 

I know that the pain is crippling and frightening. The best thing we can do know is love ourselves, and reach out to others who are inneed. In doing so, we heal part of ourselves, just as we are doing here on this forum.

 

The moods are life are always changing, keeping things alive and energized, pushing us onward to more growth and wisdom......I know in time, your happiness will return....

[Gracelove]

Thank you so much. Your post is really helpful.

I do need to say more positive things to myself and take risks.

Just like you took a risk when you smiled at someone on the street.

I walk in fear as well. I avoid people because I don't feel like I'm good enough.

And I'm so afraid that someone will hurt me. I don't feel like I'll be able to take it.

I was in an abusive relationship and my mental state was so fragile. I didn't know things could get that bad and I don't want them to ever get that bad again.

There were times when I felt like I was losing my mind.

And that is my biggest fear, that I'll return to that state.

It has taken me a year so far, in working my way back to "normal", and I'm not there yet.

Like you, my past few years have been rough, and filled with people who were angry and enjoyed being hurtful or cruel. And after so long, you become broken. Espicially if you aren't doing what is needed to protect yourself.

I think it is an uphill battle.

You do have to find peace with in.

For me, I think I have to learn how to like myself again.

I feel like I'm a good person, however I allowed myself to become influenced by the negativity of others.

Now I have no desire to help myself it seems...to do what is best for me (like eating healthy...or just anything).

When I look in the mirror, I feel I don't know who is staring back. Just a face I put makeup on...a little outer beauty to cover up for the diminished beauty on the inside.

To me, happiness = beauty

I don't have much of an opinion about myself.

I don't know what to do, what's coming in my life.

I think that's another reason I don't want to be around people... I don't want them to pick up on the fact that I feel empty.

I feel like I have nothing to give, and if other people figure this out, I think it will make me an easy target.

I feel like I can no longer defend or take care of myself.

I feel kind of lost.