Confused by my ex.

[Cherokeelion]

The last four months have been the weirdest ones of my life, I think. My ex-girlfriend left me because she felt lonely and thought I didn't love her the way I do. In fairness, she did warn me of how she felt and that another man was giving her the attention she craved from me.

At the time I was a knucklehead who put our relationship on the back burner while I tried to fight multiple fires on other fronts... taking her for granted. It was only after she left that I realised she was the foundation of my life, she was what grounded me.

 

It took only several days to see how much of a mistake I had made and I spent some time absorbing my stupidity in how I hurt her. She had gone to this other man and he gave her some of what she was missing. To tell you all that has happened since then would fill a small book; shes confused, I'm confused...

 

She is disabled, and so the connection with who is close to her is more profound since that person is taking care of her intimately as well as emotionally. Right now shes gone back to the other man to see if thats where she wants to be after several back and forth episodes between myself and him. She has told me she needs to stop being angry with me and that she feels that I deserve some time alone for wrecking what we had. She has also told me she feels very angry at me for making her feel like she had no choice but to find someone else she could rely on before I dumped her... which would never have happened, but its how she felt. I honestly get the picture shes torn between loving me, a man who hurt her and this new man... who she doesnt know very well yet.

 

I am beside myself with 20/20 hindsight and guilt at what I know to be true. I am also agonising over the fact that I know she still loves me but doesnt want to go back to the way it was between us.

 

I have told her that, in time, with counseling and my own actions she will see that I am serious about wanting to save Us and our family. I am posting here because I need an outlet to vent on this. I do not want to do the wrong things anymore, we have a wonderful little girl together and just being away from both of them is killing me inside... even though I know the best thing, I think, is to give her the space and time to figure things out. It is a helpless feeling knowing that your track record is a major player in how the future is shaped... and that the only real thing that can fix some things is time, and love. I am not a patient man... so this is hard. I feel like this ](*,) when I try some days. Does anyone have any advice?

[teacup]

yes. it sucks. but you know what, there is nothing you can do about it. many men say they will change but the truth is, a woman gets sick of being treated the way she's treated.

 

i have been dating a guy 7-8 times now and i really really liked him. except he doesnt treat me right. doesnt make time to spend with me, doesnt make me feel important or special, doesnt seem to value or appreciate me. i sit here and i think......what am i with him for?? i can find someone who does value and appreciate me and love me the way i want to be loved. and why am i with him, trying to fight with him on treating me right when there are guys who would be happy, and feel lucky and glad to have me???!!

 

so, mabe he deserves her and not you. because you didnt treat her right.

 

i gave up a good guy who did treat me right for this buffoon. and now i am sooo regretting it and kicking myself. because it's not worth it. it's not worth it when the guy doesnt care for you right. i wish i could have him back.

[Bethany]

Just give her the space and time to recover from her anger and be as loving as you can when you do meet up, make sure she knows that you regret what's happened and that you stil love her.

It's obvious you care for her and have regrets, and we all have regrets and take the people we love for granted as we alwways think that they will be there for us but I don't think you deserve ALL the blame for what has happened so take it easy on yourself.

 

Do your best to see her and your child on Xmas day and try to spend it as a family as I'm sure she will follow her heart.

[Cherokeelion]

Thanks for the input... as for the Holidays, I will be alone this year. I have our house in California and she is in Wisconsin with him. She came home before Thanksgiving after spending a short period of time there with him. How can you know someone well after being with them for a month? Anyways... she came home with him on her mind and spending time on the phone nightly with him. To make matters worse there was still strong sexual attraction between us two. We ended up making love multiple times during her time here. She confessed to being sexually frustrated around me because she was supposedly with this other man. Each time was hell for me too... because I wanted to respect boundaries but am irresistably attracted to her. That was part of the reason she went back... to be right to the one she was with and to give herself the time to really see things clearly, without me and our home intruding.

 

This is day three of NC, she called the first day I got home to see if the answering machine was set up again. I didn't pick up the phone and I'm thinking she was startled by my greeting on the machine, which included both of our names. She didn't leave a message but I know she got the security of knowing she can reach me if needed. We made love the day she left and both of Us know we fit very well in that way. It is tough to sleep in a bed so recently occupied by the one I love, knowing she is freezing her California butt off in Wisconsin, trying to honor another man who loves her but feeling what she does for me too. I don't know how effective No Contact will be, especially since I miss our little girl too. My ex told me this is the last time she will do this... she can't afford to keep jumping, emotionally and financially. I cannot do anything except maintain our home and hope for the best. I truly believe love and family are worth at least a fighting chance to save. Confused and tangled hearts here for sure.

[Cherokeelion]

Ok now THAT was interesting. I said goodbye to my ex as she flew to Milwaukee to be with this other man. She just called and asked me to book her a flight home Christmas Day. I was staggered by this unexpected developement. She said she didn't want to be there anymore, but I also got the distinct impression shes still angry with me. I'm not complaining... I booked a flight immediately. I will say that I am not counting on anything until shes actually on that plane back home Christmas day.... theres too many days for her to cancel it yet. Strange things happening here.

[Cherokeelion]

I am blown away by this...

[Cherokeelion]

I am afraid my ex's call to me for her getting her home might have been either A, her temporarily being mad about something where she is now or B, possibly something she knew would hurt me if I got my hopes up about her coming home and nothing happened. Is she angry with me... yep. Its been 2 days since that call... I told her I would look for flights and that she needed to call to get the info. Frustrating to say the least, I can hold the tickets till tomorrow but if I don't hear from her tonight that will tell me a lot. You think if a person isn't confused about coming home they would be responding. My heart is slowly shredding and its hard to do no contact when youre asked for help by someone you love so much. On top of that now I have to worry about whether or not things are ok with her and my daughter... she doesn't know this other guy very well. Am I stressin too much or is it normal for me to stress like this?

[annie24]

Hi - I am so sorry. This sounds like you're being put through the wringer!!! Have you talked to a therapist? It may help get things straightened out. At least get your emotions in order. Your woman sounds very confusing. I doubt even she knows what she wants. that is hard...

 

talk to a therapist.

 

good luck

[Cherokeelion]

I don't want my little girl to get lost in all this either. Shes only 21 months but she cried at the airport when I let her go. I think she remembered the last time she left and knew it meant she wouldn't see me for a while somehow. It sure felt like that to me.

[Cherokeelion]

Yep... my ex was mad and called me about the flights. We just talked, shes not sure she wants to be there, but in my mind thats definitely not the same as saying she wants to be here. She does and doesn't, I think. Time will tell... which sucks. I can only pray for change, not something I'm used to doing... this leaving things up to fate.

[Cherokeelion]

How does one move on when they see such confusion? When she called today she, she knows how I feel and I noticed she kept asking me about stuff " back home at the house". This is the same person who tells me she feels I need some time alone to really put the past in perspective and feel whats missing. As long as I see stuff like this, I want to believe that the door to saving our family isn't completely shut despite the fact shes living with another man 2400 miles away. She got scared and didn't move her things out of the house, because she still loves me enough to not want to see me dissappear. I want this family to heal from the hurt... it's most I've ever wanted from anything in my life.

[stolenshadow]

Hi, I think you are adding a bit to the situation getting out of hand.

If she visited, was with the other man and planned to leave again there was no need for sex, you weren't together anymore.

Now she left, is there with the other guy, is not clear about what she wants but wants YOU to get her tickets, if she wants to go back home she can get them herself or at least try, instead she is blaming you for her actions and decisions and when they don't go right.

 

You said she's disabled, but she seems to like things being done for her, it's unfair, it's not healthy and it's not going to do her any good more than temporarily.

 

And you have a little girl, it's time that one of you becomes responsible, the girl IS suffering, all the instability around her and a mom who doesn't know what she wants, it's bad for her and of course everybody involved.

 

Do NC, she's the one who left so she's the one that has to return.

She knows (and you can remind her one last time) that you were willing to recognize and work on any mistakes the relationship had, and it wouldn't be bad if you are back together to go to counseling.

Meanwhile don't talk to her, if she returns but has nothing clear just see her as the mother of your girl and spend time with your daughter, but don't start anything with her mom until she puts herself together.

 

Don't panic, if this woman and you are meant to be together and love each other no problem is impossible to overcome, give it time, let things flow.

[iamjackiamjack]

My main purpose is to show you exactly what to do and why it will work, to get your mate or lover back.

 

There's no question about it, I know exactly what works and what does not work. But first, I'm going to tell you the three sentences that you've heard about.

[Cherokeelion]

My ex called tonight... she was missing me and said it felt strange to be gone. My first reaction was to say " Come Home " but I held back. I told her that I missed her, and she said I can't make someone want to be with me... I said of course not but I can heal myself and fix the things that went wrong from my side... the rest is up to her. She was quiet after that. It was one of those moments where nothing was being said, but you could feel a lot through the silence. This is tough.... she understood what I am trying to do. I've said this before, it's easier to bury a relationship that you know is dead and gone than it is to fight for something that you aren't sure theres a chance of saving and the other person is acting less than final. Especially when it's been long term and children are involved.

[Cherokeelion]

She called again this morning saying that she missed me and that our daughter loved the present I sent to her. Last Christmas was a bad one for Us and she said shes happy now. My question is, why does she turn around and say that she misses me and that I'm always on her mind? I know she feels obligated to this other man but still, can anyone here tell me what to make of this? She also said shes calling again tonight and I made it known that being apart as family feels wrong to me. Is she juggling emotions as I suspect or am I reading this like I want to... not how it may be? On a happier note... I had forgotten how GOOD Eggnog is...

[ocrob]

Cherokeelion, your story sound similar to mine in a few ways. I don't know what your mistakes were so I can't even imagine what your ex is thinking. I won't get into my story, but made some mistakes that in hindsight were not that bad. Don't beat yourself up over them and don't overstate how you will change. Just do it with actions. Just an example, but with me I drank too much and let myself get a bit out of shape. Instead of telling my ex I would stop or I would start working out, I should have just done it. Just do what you need to do and things will either fall in place or not. My ex broke up with me and she was engaged in three weeks. It did not work out and when we started dating again I was not patient enough and that caused things to not work out. I am definitely not saying to be her back up plan, but do what you need to do and give her some time. Don't stop your life for her either. If she knows you are there waiting, she has no incentive to come back right away. My ex just started dating another guy and I said cya. I have been in NC for a few weeks and probably will not be with her again. Look at her point of view for a second. Just think if you thought things were over and you were moving on. Would you want to put yourself in a position to be hurt again? If my ex were to want me back now that I have made up my mind it would be hard and take time. Give her some space and time and quit beating yourself up for your mistakes. We all make mistakes and if you truly address them with actions, then that is all you can do. You don't have to tell her you will give her space or you will make improvements. Just do it. I know how hard it is, but at some point she will either have to forgive you or you will have to move on. If you were to get back together and she throws the past in your face all of the time, then you will not be happy either. I feel so much happier not waiting around for my ex. It does sound like there is a chance so just do the right thing. Good luck.

 

ocrob

[Cherokeelion]

Thank you Ocrob...if it seems like I am being hard on myself here, thats because this is the space I use to sort things out. I tend to be self- critical before anything else. I truly do not know what the honest chances are of working things out and you make some valid points as to whether I should want to or not. I'm just doing what I can to stay busy and heal things here. I do not call or write to her even though sometimes I have to physically restrain myself from doing so. I want to pick up the phone and see how our daughter is doing, but I am also trying to give her the space and time she has asked for to figure things out.... and that, Ocrob... is hard to do.

[Danny H]

Having kids in the mix makes it so much harder, even straight N/C is difficult.

 

Plus the added pain of maybe somebody else becoming " daddy".

 

I wonder what was up with her when she wanted to come home for xmas, maybe she is seeing that this other guy has faults as well.

 

Man you are being incredibly strong at this most difficult of times and I hope you get all you truly want.

[Cherokeelion]

Danny... yes, she went back and forth twice before. We both know that there won't be another time, if she comes home to this house it's because she is committed to trying here. She knows I don't want another go around and neither does she... too emotionally and financially hurtful. This is probably why she is still there... to really make sure one way or the other, not a spur of the moment thing. To be honest, I can't fault her for that because that is the only way she can come home without wondering..." What If? ". That would hinder any real reconcilliation. I also do not like being a long distance daddy and hearing of my daughters reaction to her gifts over the phone... theres something just not right about that.

[WildChild]

My ex called tonight... she was missing me and said it felt strange to be gone. My first reaction was to say " Come Home " but I held back.

 

I don't know if you watch the "70's Show", but Red would have said "Dumb A**!" She WANTED you to say you missed her and to come home! When in trouble or dismay, people turn to those they love!!!! I haven't read the rest of this post after this point, but when I read about how much you messed up and how you read her emails/messages and the lonliness she was feeling and basically calling out to you, begging you to pay attention to her! At this point I don't know what the rest of your posts say and I am intrigued to say the least, you best be calling her (and your daughter) and telling her how much you love her (them). Stop being a man who is taught no emotion and start being a human being!! You realize you messed up, you know you love her, you know you took her for granted so you need to tell her "You don't know what you have until it's gone, and I never want you to leave again... come home, to our home!"

[Cherokeelion]

Thanks Wild Child... I have told her such, and did today too when she called twice. I told her that I wanted to learn "with" her and not "from" her... that she is the woman of my heart and that I wanted her home. She knows, and still calls. She told me tonight that she was glad Christmas was over, that it was hard being away from everything she knows. I kept thinking well come home then... I also know that when I'm direct, she pushes that away... so I have to be careful.

[Cherokeelion]

Three calls on Christmas Day.... the last one a message to me after I went to bed, " Ho Ho Ho Glad Christmas is over, hope you're ok... I love you, Goodnight". This is after she said she misses me earlier in the day... I know shes going to call tonight too, frustrating to say the least. I mean, come home if you miss me... the calls are torture. This is our house and home, our daughters too... I've been through a divorce before and I think that was easier because there was no uncertanity. I almost feel paralized as to living life because we did everything together... I'm burying myself in work as a distraction, which only works until I hear my quasi- ex on the message machine. I don't recomend this for anyone else because it's the toughest thing I've ever tried to do. I'm not giving up on my family just yet...

 

The emotions vary from sorrow, anger ( wanting to kick the other mans disrespectful * * * ), hope, puzzlement, joy at hearing my daughter, loneliness at seeing the other half of the bed empty, numbness and determination.

 

My extended family thinks I'm nuts for waiting... this makes me angry for the lack of support, it also undermines my focus and only adds more stress. I have been out on the town socializing but it's like my family is right next to my heart... a heavy, heavy all consuming presense I'm both glad to feel, and sad to feel in this situation.

 

Giving my ex the time to figure things out is easy to do in the sense that I love her without condition, and I do believe family is worth trying for. I believe that if we do make it through this... with counseling and better expression of love, we will be stronger.

 

It takes two... theres one here.

[Cherokeelion]

Hmm.... Three calls on Christmas Day, Two on Christmas Eve Day, on days she misses me, but today none. Hmm... I cannot figure this woman out. Whats funny is that is sadly some of what the attraction is, the mystery and unpredictabilty. I sometimes wonder if I'm setting myself up to be burned by the nearest blowtorch in the name of love...

[Danny H]

Hang in there you are being very strong , yes there is no point coming back to you if she is always going to be wondering if things were going to be better with this other guy, so I guess she really must be sure before coming back to you.

 

I hope for you the whole process takes as little time as possible, you don't want to breakdown under stress.

 

best

 

dan

[Cherokeelion]

Happy New Year Folks... I just got a call from my ex. She says she misses her life here, that she's coming home. She also says that even though she loves and misses me, not to think of myself being the reason shes doing so... but the combination of everything. Not exactly a ringing endorsement but I have always liked her bluntness. She is leaving the door open for healing... so I can be glad for that. Who knows... maybe now we can work together in finding what we once loved about eachother. So... yes, it's possible to re-unite but for myself its by the slimmest of threads. I'm not complaining, it's infinitely better than a broken family to me. 2006 is going to be a year of learning for me... and a year of building the foundation of family that crumbled under circumstances so easily prevented. That is the good that I think comes of this... I, for one am very, very aware of just how much she and our daughter are a part of my being. To everyone else... I wish you good blessings for this new year, live life for life is MEANT to be lived. Enjoy those around you, meet someone new, buy a good book, go to the opera... buy a parakeet- life is good.